Feelings on adoption

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Feelings on adoption

Unread postby Derek223 » 17 August 2019, 12:55

Hi I’m new to this forum.

I’m openly gay and have been in a relationship for 10 years with my partner. We’ve just bought a house and things are going very well between us.

Recently though, Ive been feeling pretty weird because I’ve never really thought about having children or anything but as I’m approaching my mid thirties I’m starting to have mixed feelings towards it.

I feel torn because I’m not really in a position to have kids because both of our jobs are weird shift patterns that would make it too difficult

also I kinda feel that gay adoption is bit weird because I don’t know if society is ready for it yet. I really don’t know if not having kids is something I’m going to regret down the line as I never really have thought about it until now.

Also, I feel as if IF I did adopt, it wouldn’t feel the same as say having a kid in heterosexual relationship.

I don’t know lol. I don’t mean to say that people who are gay who have adopted aren’t as good as heterosexuals because I’m sure they are but I do feel all over the place.

What would you do?
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Re: Feelings on adoption

Unread postby NvM » 17 August 2019, 15:00

sounds like your live is good

Reading through your post you seem overly concerned about the gay straight thing. Remember you are an individual first, a married man second and a lot more things in between but your not gay. Sounds harsh because real stereotypes are out there. All good if your life by chance fits into a defined type set. A child dosnt have a concept of sexuality for quite a few years. Look at how the gay community has changed just in the last 5 years. What is in store for our future.? Your prospective child's future? We could all be wearing pink triangles or the next prime minister could be gay.

Everyone that that loves their children makes will make great parents.

remember back 10y ago when you first met your husband. You will be 100% vested in your child's life for maybe 20+ years or 2x the time. I am just saying after your done being a parent you will have given your WHOLE life to your child (s) and the family. Look closely how long you will have to play the game. I have been married twice. If i had a child (1st marriage was with my wife) i would be just now be able to toss aside my parenting name plate for a grand-father badge. My husband and I married for 3years and together 10years before we were married.

do it
be the better man
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Re: Feelings on adoption

Unread postby Yeauxleaux » 18 August 2019, 00:41

Maybe you could try fostering as like a temporary thing first to get a feel for life as a parent? That might be better than rushing into adoption if you're unsure.

I am glad to see you're taking a sober approach to it though considering your shift patterns, because that's important. I don't believe in bringing kids (either by natural birth or by adoption) into shitty situations that aren't conducive to their development into healthy functioning adults. That's partly why I don't want kids, in an ideal world maybe I'd feel different but I know I'm just not mentally together enough to be a good role model and I accept that. Plus I just don't want the responsibility, I love my freedom too much.

That's not to say it couldn't work, that's something you and your partner would have to work out between yourselves, but it's good to consider it.

I do think adoption is the better choice for any couple as opposed to surrogacy or IVF, including for straight people who can't conceive naturally. I just don't see the value in birthing yet more children into an already severely overpopulated world, when we already have children here who don't have parents and would love a happy home. I'm not saying outright that gay couples and infertile straight couples shouldn't strive to have their own kids if that's what they really want, that's up to every individual person to decide for themselves and you take whatever consequence comes with that, but that's just my opinion that I think adoption is better.
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Re: Feelings on adoption

Unread postby Jacketh » 18 August 2019, 23:55

I see a UK flag so I disagree with the view society isn't ready for it. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised by how better schools are now for LGBT folk. I came out in Year 11 and didn't face one bit of homophobia.

As gay marriage has become legal, and there are more gay couples adopting that ever, one of your classmates having two mums or a dad in twelve years time really won't be that rare - particularly in twelve years time I expect we would have progressed further.

The most important thing is to establish how much you want kids.

As for the whole biological-or-not adoption, I've always found it a bit absurd. Would I prefer it, if given the option, that my kids were biologically mine? Sure. Am I going to lose much sleep over it? Nah. You'll see yourself in your kid through the way you raise them. They would be yours. Simple.
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Re: Feelings on adoption

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 19 August 2019, 05:23

Is it possible to adopt a 22-year-old? Asking for a friend.
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Re: Feelings on adoption

Unread postby mxguy01 » 19 August 2019, 18:22

Derek223 wrote:Hi I’m new to this forum.

I’m openly gay and have been in a relationship for 10 years with my partner. We’ve just bought a house and things are going very well between us.

Recently though, Ive been feeling pretty weird because I’ve never really thought about having children or anything but as I’m approaching my mid thirties I’m starting to have mixed feelings towards it.

I feel torn because I’m not really in a position to have kids because both of our jobs are weird shift patterns that would make it too difficult

also I kinda feel that gay adoption is bit weird because I don’t know if society is ready for it yet. I really don’t know if not having kids is something I’m going to regret down the line as I never really have thought about it until now.

Also, I feel as if IF I did adopt, it wouldn’t feel the same as say having a kid in heterosexual relationship.

I don’t know lol. I don’t mean to say that people who are gay who have adopted aren’t as good as heterosexuals because I’m sure they are but I do feel all over the place.

What would you do?


Re mixed feelings and thinking about it: Well it is an decision that impacts a large amount of your life no doubt and requires much thought and IMO being in a position you decide to do it. Having kids, biological or adopted, involves so many issues.

The different schedules thing however doesn't hold up as on. That is an issue that can be worked around. In fact different schedules means you two are off work different times possibly giving more kid time coverage. Many parents are both working and I would actually highly suggest that in either a gay or straight relationship. I think it is important to have that life outside of the kids for both partners and an work setting is often the only way that is going to happen for some.

What would I do: That's irrelevant. And honestly that's a question you either know the answer to for yourself or simply there is no answer atm. Oh and it takes two on that little endeavor. What's your partners stance on the matter?
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Re: Feelings on adoption

Unread postby Jzone » 20 August 2019, 07:16

All sorts of unqualified people have been parents, so go for it. I'm not saying you are unqualified. The fact that you are questioning the commitment of raising a child puts you ahead of the curve. Just know that this commitment is far greater than anything you might imagine. I raised two who shared half of my DNA. I honestly cannot imagine raising kids who were not my own. I know people who unselfishly made that choice. I could not do it.
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