Finally, I decided to share my story

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Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 19 April 2020, 13:00

I'm not looking for help, and I'm not gonna make it short.
So if it's TL(too long), just DR(don't read) :) .


Finally, I decided to post my story.

Hi, guys! I've been here for a while.
Recently, I see guys posting your harassments/troubles on this board. Currently, I am not happy, too.
So, I decided to share with you the story between me and my man.
I want to bring some positive energy here. Also, by remembering these, I may remind myself of the beautiful part in my life. And I'll try to do this in a positive way.

Some parts are happy, and others are not.
But I still hope this could inspire/encourage some of you.

Also, I need to apologize in the front. I'm still learning English, so if I'm being impolite or unproper, Please correct me.
And welcome to tell me how you think of it, or if you are interested (or not).

----------

Secretly, I call my boyfriend 'Mr.X'. That's the nick name I made in my old diaries.(Now he's the only one doesn't know this name.)
The story began at 2005, I got into high school, and just pasted the homosexual-identity-thing. At that time I was 14 yo. I believe all of you know how it is like during puberty. In China, high school was a very important phase of one's life. There would be many differences at school than before. For example, when in middle school, classes finished at 16:00 every workday. But in high school, I have to keep studing at school until 21:00, and only have free time on Sunday afternoon.
I didn't adapt to this well. So I just rebel everything. I invented a game, that is to try to kiss other handsome boys in public(of course boys that we know each other, and not much). Girls were very excited to watch, and the stupid straight boys thought this is interesting. They didn't know I was taking advantages.
By the way, I could enjoy a quick touch of their muscles and run. (Yes,I'm showing off. Ha ha! But don't learn this from me.)
Of course there're someone thought me as pervert. But at that age, I just don't care about how other's think of me. I wasn't out, but I wasn't intended to hide that I'm a homo-boy. I was kinda proud of this, that I was kinda special.

In their eyes, I could tell that none of them is gay. And I was not expecting for love. But I guess love always comes in a sudden way. And you are always not prepared for it.

Our school does student-switches twice a term. That is to move some students to different classes depending on their exam scores, so students could get different ways of teaching that matches their abilities. So, after the first exam, I kept my position in the best class. And two more students joined. The boy was tall and pale. His eyes shined temder light, and the red thin lips looks very yummy. (Yes, that's the first word flashed in my head). He looked very quiet, standing by the door and glancing into the classroom. He looks like a diamond handsome kind doll to me and I thought that was so beautiful. That image carved deeply in my head and it's a treasure memory. And I believe everyone is beautiful in lover's eyes.
I was attracted to him immediately. I stood up, the noises faded away, and everything else got blur. And suddenly my nose bled. In the laughs I ran out. And I stupidly crashed on his desk (he was carrying his desk when moving classroom) and fell and hit my head on the wall and lost consciousness right away.
That is the first time I met Mr.X and also comes my first 'crush'.

When I got back, his seat was right behind me. And I started to care about things. I didn't want my 'pervertness' to stain his beauty, also I don't want him to thought me like a slut or something. So I stopped the kissing game, stopped flirting around. And started to try to study hard on lessons, so I could help him after class :).
At that time, I don't think I'm chasing him or what. I just care about him. I didn't know what I want or what I should do. And I tried to use every chance to peek him secretly. And I was so scared to get close to him, so we weren't even friends.

Because of the bitterness of my little love, I started to write diaries. That's when the nick name comes up. I read some Shakespear's and I wrote many many love poetries in it. Yet, I had to pretend nothing at school. Actually I didn't know this is love, I just thought I was mutated or depraved and just obsessed to him. I didn't even considered to tell him my feelings. I guess every boy in puberty is a moron, right?

Sorry, I have to do the cook for him now. I'll update later, ok?
Tell me if you're interested.
Last edited by xiii_1991 on 20 April 2020, 10:01, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby Neuro » 19 April 2020, 16:42

God. I’ve some classmates from China telling me the high school’s ‘night classes’. I think it’s insane. I did stay until 2200 at school in the last few months in high school for the university entrance exam, but definitely not the whole few years...

Please continue the story haha
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby Frigid » 19 April 2020, 18:41

Bullshit
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 20 April 2020, 10:00

Neuro wrote:God. I’ve some classmates from China telling me the high school’s ‘night classes’. I think it’s insane. I did stay until 2200 at school in the last few months in high school for the university entrance exam, but definitely not the whole few years...

Please continue the story haha


Where're you from? We delayed it to 22:30 the last year. And actually in the 'night class' everyone are doing there own work, not having lessons.
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 20 April 2020, 12:42

OK, Let me continue my 'bullshit'.
Then the term finished. And in the summer vacation I start to know gay circle on the Internet. I chatted with some gay person and I realized, maybe I should try to tell him. I thought a lot on this. Then I think I should try to get closer to him, let him know me. And tell him at a proper time. And if he doesn't accept, just let it be. I'm losing anything anyway.
So the Grade 2 began, I switched seat with his deskmate. I think his deskmate and mine may noticed my feelings to Mr.X, so they didn't ask about the switching. So, Mr.X and I began to chat by wrting on notes during class. And we knew each other more. About a months, we talked a lot. And I also realized I havn't have a friend before him. I hezitated about my plan. I thought maybe it's the best if I can just keep him as a friend, without telling him my feelings that may ruin our relationship. But I loved him more as we know each other better. He always have unique opinions on things, unlike me, I am dull in many ways.
He told me he liked a girl in his original class, but he don't want to think about it. He wanted to focus on studies during high school, then he could choose an university far away from his family here. I asked if he wanted me to choose a same university, and he said yes.
Anyway, I couldn't stand it anymore. After a mid-term-exam, I told him that I was suffering a love for a long time, but I wasn't gonna tell the person my feelings. He insisted to know (I was expecting that :) ), he said, 'As a friend, you have to tell me.' And I wrote, 'You.'
He was very confused, 'But I am a guy.' Me, 'I think if one loves an other, gender is very unrelated.' He went silence. And I looked a side lying on the desk. After a while, he passed another paper, 'What should I do for you?' Me,'I wanted you to be my boyfriend.' 'OK. I'll have a try.'
Oh, I was so happy, I thought it would be harder. And we even agreed to have a date to the beach Sunday afternoon. Honestly, there wasn't any difference than before, we still talk and walk together as usual, just I felt happier.
A week after, the scores came out. He got lower and I got better than before. He was very upset and I was trying to encourage him. Suddenly, he said he thought I was the reason. I was making bad effets to him and he wanted to stop this. And he is not gay. So, since we got together after the exam happens, I assumed he meant being close to me is bad for him. I asked why, but he stopped respond. And this is it.
I moved my place away, and I try to avoid him in all situations. I was very sad and being very off. I even hurted myself. There was a small time that I kinda enjoy the pain when I cut myself. I did werid things a lot. And I think maybe I was crazy at that time. It's kind of stupid. I just couldn't stand up again. I really regret it, but it's already happened.
Also, there were no helping comes from family. I think if my mom could noticed a little of my sadness, I wouldn't be so shattered. During that time, my family is also dealing with some terrible crysis, but that's another story.
Anyway, I wasted the rest of my high school life in this agony and suffering. And before graduation, I remembered the agreement that we choose a same university. For a moment, I thought I should go and have a peek on his decisions, but I didn't. I thought I should leave him to his life and never bother him again.
So, at year 2008. I went to another city far away for university.

OK. It seems that not much of you are intrested in this. But I grateful for those who read. And at least I'll finish it. At least do this for myself.
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby Neuro » 20 April 2020, 14:55

xiii_1991 wrote:Where're you from? We delayed it to 22:30 the last year. And actually in the 'night class' everyone are doing there own work, not having lessons.

I’m from Hong Kong. I think we’ve the same cultural background.

As an adult, the story might sound a bit ‘stupid.’ But this is what makes the love story so pure (Don’t know how to express that). I enjoyed it.
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 22 April 2020, 15:18

Neuro wrote:I enjoyed it.

Thanks, pal.
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 22 April 2020, 15:53

Being in a completely strange city made me feel I'm so little. I hovered around in the city when I got time. It felt like floating in a river and I just pass by without relate to anyone else. I didn't bring my diary, hoped I could start a new chapter here.
But I was not sure. I still kept thinking of him. I wondered how he is dealing with his new life. And I felt sad about the fact, that I won't be part of it any more.
I noticed someone would write phone numbers and short tips on the walls of some dark corners in the city. Like "fake IDs", "special services", etc. One day, I noticed a new message. It said "making homo-friends" and a phone number. I don't know what I was thinking, and I saved the number. After I went back, I did cosidered for a while, but I think I didn't think about it properly. So, I texted the number and we started to chat.
It's a guy at age 28, and I was 17 then. From now I look back, it's like he was playing me all the time, but I was seriously treating him as a friend. We didn't talk too much about personal things, just local news and weather some times. But it was nice that I could talk things with some older man and don't have to hide the gay thing.

After the first month, I had a vacation of a week to get home. Some high school classmates were hanging out and one of them invited me. Mr.X was there, too. The girl invited us knew our little history, so I think she did this on purpose. That was so awkward, I was trying to avoid him the whole time. And he didn't seem to care very much. He talked a lot with other friends and I just followed and listened.
It seems that he did it well at his city. He made an older friend there, who was a married business man. And he offered him a lot of help. Also he could sometimes go to that man's shop to help. I did feel a little weird about that, but I didn't think much. He's already moved on, and I thought I shouldn't bother him any more. I was just satisfied with a chance I could meet him again. And I was glad he's ok.

After the short vacation, I was heading back to university by a train. It's too far that I had to suffer a 17-hour journey. (Now it only takes 5.) Just before I arrived I began to worry about how I could get in our living quarter at midnight. Also, I heard some street-murder story happened in this city. So I texted my 'phone-mate' for advice.
He told me how to get out of the station safely. And he told me I could go to his place for the night if I want. I hesitated. But then he sent me his address and told me he was heading out to pick me up. So I didn't reject. After 17 hours of shaking and noises on a train, I just wanted to rest. It wasn't bad if I could get a better bed, I thought. Maybe you already noticed what this is. But I was just too stupid to see this clearly.

OK, let's just jump to the adult part. It was pretty late and I was very tired. We lay down and I asked if he wants to talk for a while (how stupid me), he said it's too late just sleep. Just before I fell asleep, I felt him touching me. I thought it's ok, anyway he lend me a roof at this lonely night, so maybe I should do somethig as a pay back.
Then I totally fell asleep, I was too tired.

He woke me up in the morning, and ask me to wait for a while, he wanted to send me to the bus station. I said OK, then I noticed what he wanted me to wait for. He is going to clean the sheet, it covered with many blood. Then I remembered what happened last night. My head turns blank and I started to feel multiple pain on my body.
After went back to university, I walked under the sun, I felt myself so gross while other students looked just so innocent. I just gave my first time to a stranger. But I thought I need to be sure. If he was just trying to fuck me, so this means we're done, or maybe we could keep a relation ship, whatever this is like.
So, I texted him, 'Thanks for letting me spend the night. Are we still friends?' He answered, 'You could buy me a present if you're thankful. And we will be friends, but definitely not boyfriends.' I laughed out, I never thought one can say no in such a funny way. I looked down to the scars I carved years ago on my arm. Maybe I deserved this. I felt something inside broke silently and permanently.
So this is it, I never contacted him again.

Sometimes I still feel so dirty of myself about this. It feels like he injected something dirty into me that night, it grows with me and I can never get clean. But this won't happen if I just said no. I guess this would be my biggest regret.

That day, I kept wondering around on the street. Finally, I steped in to a small church. It was Sunday. I won't say I just found some salvation there. But looking at the people communicating with god, the ambience of joy comforted me a lot. I decided not to think about romance stuff any more, just focus on my educations.
And, I never thought I would cross Mr.X's path again.

(Sorry I didn't mean to make the last line so theatrical. I just can't help, it's my profession telling stories. lol)
Last edited by xiii_1991 on 22 April 2020, 21:54, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby Eryx » 22 April 2020, 17:09

I like the story, but do people actually bleed when they see someone they find attractive? I really thought that only happened in animes.
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 22 April 2020, 17:19

Eryx wrote:I like the story, but do people actually bleed when they see someone they find attractive? I really thought that only happened in animes.

Animes depend on facts. I was very excited, face felt like burning, and at some point the nose bleeds. I experienced this several times.
It would be different between people with different situation of bodies.
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby James M » 22 April 2020, 22:17

I was actually pretty gripped reading this. Despite some questionable decision making (which I won't judge you for - we've all been there) there's some parts of your story I think we can all identify with to some degree. However, I am concerned as to whether the sex you had with the 28 year-old was consensual, perhaps that explains why you felt so uneasy about it the following day. But I won't press too hard on that, as I know it's a touchy subject and none of my business really. Nonetheless, I'm interested to read on once you post another update, thank you for sharing this story with us!
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 23 April 2020, 16:48

James M wrote:I was actually pretty gripped reading this. Despite some questionable decision making (which I won't judge you for - we've all been there) there's some parts of your story I think we can all identify with to some degree. However, I am concerned as to whether the sex you had with the 28 year-old was consensual, perhaps that explains why you felt so uneasy about it the following day. But I won't press too hard on that, as I know it's a touchy subject and none of my business really. Nonetheless, I'm interested to read on once you post another update, thank you for sharing this story with us!

Thanks. But it's ok even if you judged.
I hoped my bad deccisions could be an alarm for younger guys. So maybe they
won't step into those kinds of mess again.
I can't tell whether that was consensual. I have to admit I did expected something.
But if you can't tell, does it matter?
And, I really liked the way you choose words. :nod:
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby Eryx » 23 April 2020, 19:57

xiii_1991 wrote:Animes depend on facts. I was very excited, face felt like burning, and at some point the nose bleeds. I experienced this several times.
It would be different between people with different situation of bodies.
Well, in that case, I'd love to find out where exactly the spirit sauna is.
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 24 April 2020, 19:36

Thanks to y'all for reading!
-----
Time went fast while I was spending my time in library. Soon the tail of the year came. I wasn't a 'puberty slut' any more, I had become a 'college nerd' :) .
The lively atmosphere of new year made me feel a little off. I rode (by bike) to the beach (at hometown) in the last evening of 2008. It was hard to distinguish sand and snow in the darkness. I lay down, and enjoyed the quietness, wished the rhythm of the waves could take my sorrow away.
New year fireworks appeared in the sky, I could hear people cheering far away. I had a sigh. My head was full of Mr.X's image. I thought at least I had him for a short time. Maybe that's nothing to him, but I still could fool myself and treasure this piece of memory. And at least I won't get hurt again being alone.
After a while I felt better. The sea is like a friend, it watched me grow up and contained my happieness and sorrow, and I could always get some confort here. My phone rang, 'Happy new year!' It's a text message from Mr.X.
I sat up. We didn't have telephones before graduated. I asked another friend for his number, but I don't know how he got mine. I hezitated for a while, didn't know how to respond. Then, he texted, "I'm bored about all this. Do you want to chat?"
I rapidly thought a lot at this moment. I know he's not close with his families, and he was bored to all the 'new-year-traditional-things'. He had to ask some one to get my number. But how did he know if I know his number? And why now? Most importantly, why me? I could not allow myself to feel excited about this, I was afraid to fall again. So, I responded, 'Who is this? Are you texting to a wrong number?'
"Ah? I left my number on a paper and put it in your book before the final exam of high school, didn't you see that?"

WWWWWWhat? (~_~;)

Shit, I was playing with crabs on the beach the day before the exam. (Oh, yeah, just laugh at me. I like adorable little crabs. And I like to eat bigger ones, too.) And I never opened the textbooks again.

He called, I picked up immediately. His voice tickled my ear, "Hey, it's me! I left my numbers to you, but you never called. Last time, you didn't talk to me, too... I thought I might be the last one you wanna talk, since I..."
"Oh, yes! Never mind about the puberty foolishness. Sorry, I didn't see the paper. And I'm glad we could still be friends. Completely no hard feelings." I tried very hard to speak normally, my heart was dancing out. Then we start to chat.

There is an old saying from my hometown, "Man plus love equals a moron". Maybe that explains why I was being so cheap in front of him. That was the first time he talked to me, since that day he pushed me away 3 years ago. I think I wanted to grab any chance I could hear from him again.
We chatted on the phone for a very long time, at least I thought it's long. Also, I talked very carefully, I didn't want any leak of my feelings startle him away again. I tried very hard to keep my voice calm, like a normal friend, yet I kept shaking all the time.
As we were talking, I walked away and kept walking. I don't know why, I didn't want the sea to watch this, I wanted to keep this moment to myself secretly.

After that night, I finally felt hopeful again about future, since I felt shattered for a long time. There're other reasons, but those're other stories. I mean, this felt more than just a little satisfaction of love to me.

Actually, until now, I never find which book it is, and the paper in it.
-----
As I said in the beginning, presently, I am not happy. I wanted to write this, so I can look back to our relationship again. So, it's a little harder than I expected. I just dived into the memories.
So, sorry to ones who waited for my update.
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby Jryski » 25 April 2020, 17:24

I really like your story! Thank you for sharing this! :3 I’t was a tad bit hard to read but I’m sure your english will improve in no time if you keep at it! :) I have a feeling that this is a true story which makes it all the more awesome! :D

Just finished your story...... Did you get raped by the 28 year old mam? I’m so fucking sorry :( knowing how China is and especially since it’s something that happened between two guys, I don’t think police are of much use. Not that they do anything anyways. I’m sorry dude *virtual hugs*
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby Jryski » 25 April 2020, 17:29

Eryx wrote:I like the story, but do people actually bleed when they see someone they find attractive? I really thought that only happened in animes.

That is actually based on real occurrences. During puberty and younger years, your body is still adjusting so sometimes you end up having more blood in your system so nose bleeds can happen pretty much whenever for some people. When you get excited, you heart rate goes up making it even more likely to get a nosebleed. When I was around 13 or 14 my nosebleeds would get so bad sometimes that it looked like I broke my nose or something. Luckily it doesn’t happen anymore. :3
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby René » 25 April 2020, 19:38

Jryski wrote:
Eryx wrote:I like the story, but do people actually bleed when they see someone they find attractive? I really thought that only happened in animes.

That is actually based on real occurrences. During puberty and younger years, your body is still adjusting so sometimes you end up having more blood in your system so nose bleeds can happen pretty much whenever for some people. When you get excited, you heart rate goes up making it even more likely to get a nosebleed. When I was around 13 or 14 my nosebleeds would get so bad sometimes that it looked like I broke my nose or something. Luckily it doesn’t happen anymore. :3

I have literally never seen or heard of this outside of anime. :lol:
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 25 April 2020, 20:05

Jryski wrote:I really like your story! Thank you for sharing this! :3 I’t was a tad bit hard to read but I’m sure your english will improve in no time if you keep at it! :) I have a feeling that this is a true story which makes it all the more awesome! :D

Just finished your story...... Did you get raped by the 28 year old mam? I’m so fucking sorry :( knowing how China is and especially since it’s something that happened between two guys, I don’t think police are of much use. Not that they do anything anyways. I’m sorry dude *virtual hugs*

Thank you, pal.
I can't tell if it's raping. He didn't force me and quite gentle. Maybe we can say it's a quick ‘lure-then-dump' ?
But I think it doesn't matter and that happend nearly 12 years ago. Time don't wait fro you to move on.

Well, I think maybe I could try to have a try on younger students this way, with my 'experiences'? Haha, just joking. :pfft:
And these truly are my memories. I hope I could found out what's wrong with us currently by reviewing our path. And I don't want to yell for help, I'll have to solve this by myself anyway.

Thanks, you're sweet. :heart:
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby Jryski » 26 April 2020, 11:07

听您那样讲我还以为您有多大呢. 原来才比我大两岁. :rofl: anyways keep us updated on how everything goes! :D
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Re: Finally, I decided to share my story

Unread postby Frigid » 26 April 2020, 15:16

René wrote:I have literally never seen or heard of this outside of anime. :lol:

Suppose anything that raises blood pressure, like being uncontrollably turned on by someone, would in theory work if the person was susceptible to nosebleeds. That said, it's still all bullshit B/L fantasy.

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