Finding connections on gay apps?

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Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby theoux » 17 July 2020, 00:16

Hey quick questions. What is your experience with using gay apps (grindr, scruff, romeo) to find nonsexual dates and friends? How can apps better help users find dates and friends?
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby René » 17 July 2020, 01:12

Tinder seems more promising for non-sexual dates, to be honest.

Having said that, I have made a friend and a boyfriend through Grindr. Admittedly the friend is always horny and wants to fuck me, but he's still my friend even though I'm not interested in him in that way. :P

The boyfriend probably isn't fully relevant to your question, because I didn't find him by seeking a non-sexual date through the platform. My husband and I (being polyamorous) just got unbelievably lucky. Our profiles made clear we were looking for a boyfriend for a committed relationship (polyfidelity), but we were far from home (in a different country) and just looking to have our first threesome over there at the time. It just so happened that the perfect guy for us lived around the corner from the hotel we were staying at and messaged my husband looking to hook up. We had our first and only threesome with him but also rapidly fell for each other. The threesome turned into spending most of 5 days together, which turned into him joining our relationship, long-distance to start off but hopefully not for too much longer. 2 days from now we'll have been seeing him for 4 months, and we think there's good chance this will develop into something lifelong. :heart: (I wrote this thread about the initial experience.)

In general, from what I've heard, Grindr is a relatively unlikely place to find a boyfriend, and an extremely unlikely place to find one where the relationship doesn't start off with hooking up or with dates that are expected to lead to sex rather quickly. Which is a real shame. I do think that usually, for the best long-term potential, it is best if a relationship isn't based on / doesn't start out with sex.

We did briefly look on Tinder for potential boyfriends and had several very promising matches within reasonable travel distance, even being polyamorous and limited to guys interested in joining an existing couple/relationship, one of whom was like us in that he would have wanted to just cuddle in the beginning and wait a while to have sex until we'd dated a fair bit and knew we matched and worked well together and stuff. I think the chances of finding a guy like that are way better on Tinder than on any gay-specific app.

Grindr does seem to have a lot of potential for making local gay friends, though. During the brief time I was on it, I was always getting messaged by guys who just seemed interested in a friendly chat or to hang out, with no expectation of / potential for attraction, sex, dates or a relationship. I've heard this varies a lot by area, though. (I live in Scotland.)
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby theoux » 17 July 2020, 23:23

Renè this is truly a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing so much. I read your post too..the parts where you just held each other and playes board games really touched me. i could see it. It reminds me a lot of the movie "Weekend." It resonates with me on a personal level too..Once i was having a bad time, and i met a guy on grindr. We just cuddled..Not that much conversation..we had breakfast together and that was it.

this is a hard question but what factors do you thi nk facilitated the connection? in an imaginerary world, what would an app do to help people form deeper connections?

René wrote:Tinder seems more promising for non-sexual dates, to be honest.

Having said that, I have made a friend and a boyfriend through Grindr. Admittedly the friend is always horny and wants to fuck me, but he's still my friend even though I'm not interested in him in that way. :P

The boyfriend probably isn't fully relevant to your question, because I didn't find him by seeking a non-sexual date through the platform. My husband and I (being polyamorous) just got unbelievably lucky. Our profiles made clear we were looking for a boyfriend for a committed relationship (polyfidelity), but we were far from home (in a different country) and just looking to have our first threesome over there at the time. It just so happened that the perfect guy for us lived around the corner from the hotel we were staying at and messaged my husband looking to hook up. We had our first and only threesome with him but also rapidly fell for each other. The threesome turned into spending most of 5 days together, which turned into him joining our relationship, long-distance to start off but hopefully not for too much longer. 2 days from now we'll have been seeing him for 4 months, and we think there's good chance this will develop into something lifelong. :heart: (I wrote this thread about the initial experience.)

In general, from what I've heard, Grindr is a relatively unlikely place to find a boyfriend, and an extremely unlikely place to find one where the relationship doesn't start off with hooking up or with dates that are expected to lead to sex rather quickly. Which is a real shame. I do think that usually, for the best long-term potential, it is best if a relationship isn't based on / doesn't start out with sex.

We did briefly look on Tinder for potential boyfriends and had several very promising matches within reasonable travel distance, even being polyamorous and limited to guys interested in joining an existing couple/relationship, one of whom was like us in that he would have wanted to just cuddle in the beginning and wait a while to have sex until we'd dated a fair bit and knew we matched and worked well together and stuff. I think the chances of finding a guy like that are way better on Tinder than on any gay-specific app.

Grindr does seem to have a lot of potential for making local gay friends, though. During the brief time I was on it, I was always getting messaged by guys who just seemed interested in a friendly chat or to hang out, with no expectation of / potential for attraction, sex, dates or a relationship. I've heard this varies a lot by area, though. (I live in Scotland.)
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby René » 21 July 2020, 00:08

theoux wrote:Renè this is truly a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing so much. I read your post too..the parts where you just held each other and playes board games really touched me. i could see it. It reminds me a lot of the movie "Weekend." It resonates with me on a personal level too..Once i was having a bad time, and i met a guy on grindr. We just cuddled..Not that much conversation..we had breakfast together and that was it.

this is a hard question but what factors do you thi nk facilitated the connection? in an imaginerary world, what would an app do to help people form deeper connections?

:3

I think we just matched incredibly well. In terms of personality, hobbies, interests, sex, affection, everything that matters really. It was uncanny. Almost enough to make you believe in a higher power. :P
Our Grindr profiles already didn't talk too much about sex, and what was there appealed to each other I guess. We're all really affectionate and already knew we were going to start off just cuddling together. :3
We matched so well that we could basically instantly move in together and just live together indefinitely without any issues arising, I felt like. It was pretty obvious within hours, and the first 5 days we spent together pretty much proved it to me.

I think deep connections mainly just arise naturally when you put the right people together. I feel like apps like Grindr could do more to figure out who is likely to match in different ways, kind of like OkCupid tries to, but doing a better job. :P But I guess its creators really mainly had sex and looks on their minds... which is a shame given how popular it is and how many people on there (I have to hope) would probably be interested in forming a relationship if they found the right guy(s) rather than just hooking up. Our guy didn't appear to be looking for a relationship or dates at all, just sex, but it turned out when he met the right guys, us, a relationship developing was actually something he was quite open to.
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby xeta » 24 July 2020, 15:01

I find Grindr aweful. Simply because I find almost everyone there respectless (maybe I just go bad experience?). I did sometimes look on it but I've never met anyone. I also have a boyfriend so that's maybe also a reason why.

I think Tinder is the right application to find friends and/or future boyfriend.
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby theoux » 24 July 2020, 16:26

René wrote:
theoux wrote:Renè this is truly a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing so much. I read your post too..the parts where you just held each other and playes board games really touched me. i could see it. It reminds me a lot of the movie "Weekend." It resonates with me on a personal level too..Once i was having a bad time, and i met a guy on grindr. We just cuddled..Not that much conversation..we had breakfast together and that was it.

this is a hard question but what factors do you thi nk facilitated the connection? in an imaginerary world, what would an app do to help people form deeper connections?

:3

I think we just matched incredibly well. In terms of personality, hobbies, interests, sex, affection, everything that matters really. It was uncanny. Almost enough to make you believe in a higher power. :P
Our Grindr profiles already didn't talk too much about sex, and what was there appealed to each other I guess. We're all really affectionate and already knew we were going to start off just cuddling together. :3
We matched so well that we could basically instantly move in together and just live together indefinitely without any issues arising, I felt like. It was pretty obvious within hours, and the first 5 days we spent together pretty much proved it to me.

I think deep connections mainly just arise naturally when you put the right people together. I feel like apps like Grindr could do more to figure out who is likely to match in different ways, kind of like OkCupid tries to, but doing a better job. :P But I guess its creators really mainly had sex and looks on their minds... which is a shame given how popular it is and how many people on there (I have to hope) would probably be interested in forming a relationship if they found the right guy(s) rather than just hooking up. Our guy didn't appear to be looking for a relationship or dates at all, just sex, but it turned out when he met the right guys, us, a relationship developing was actually something he was quite open to.



Thanks Renè for your thoughtful response...what aspects do you feel are important to finding the right person?

T
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby theoux » 24 July 2020, 16:28

xeta wrote:I find Grindr aweful. Simply because I find almost everyone there respectless (maybe I just go bad experience?). I did sometimes look on it but I've never met anyone. I also have a boyfriend so that's maybe also a reason why.

I think Tinder is the right application to find friends and/or future boyfriend.


Hi Xeta,

Thanks for your response. How was Grindr respectless? congrats on yohr bf..how did you meet?

Best,

theo
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby René » 24 July 2020, 17:00

theoux wrote:Thanks Renè for your thoughtful response...what aspects do you feel are important to finding the right person?

I may not be typical, but my experience has been as follows.

Being compatible on various levels (personality, hobbies, interests, having stuff to talk about, sexually, affection...) is important, but I have to say, in both of what I would consider my successful relationships (successful in the sense that they're still going, seem solid and don't seem to have any personal factor that would prevent us from successfully spending the rest of our lives together), the majority (but not all) of the initial 6-12 months was just spent talking online on MSN/Facebook Messenger, getting to know each other through text.

Obviously that's not normally how it goes for most people (I have a habit of falling for Americans, you see :lol:), but I feel like this has been a big factor in the success of these relationships. Probably mainly because communication is really important and if that step/phase succeeds, it means that you're able to form a bond at a level where all you do is communicate. I think that helps build a solid foundation for a lasting relationship, as well as eliminating anyone with whom you're unable to build such a foundation.

When it comes to finding someone in the first place, I don't have a lot of advice except to just go with the flow and let it happen. I have never found a boyfriend while looking for one. They've always just seemed to fall out of the sky in one way or another while I wasn't actively looking for one and they weren't either. One being a new forum member, the other actually being a Grindr hookup (one who, based on his profile, wasn't looking for a boyfriend at all but did appear to be compatible from what he could fit in the very limited profile text space allotted :P).

Brenden and I did come relatively close to seeing someone from Tinder on two occasions, which might have worked out if it'd got that far. We've certainly had good (actually, only) experiences with meeting people online (on forums/apps) who were or might have been an amazing match.

I hope this helps :D
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby theoux » 25 July 2020, 13:02

René wrote:
theoux wrote:Thanks Renè for your thoughtful response...what aspects do you feel are important to finding the right person?

I may not be typical, but my experience has been as follows.

Being compatible on various levels (personality, hobbies, interests, having stuff to talk about, sexually, affection...) is important, but I have to say, in both of what I would consider my successful relationships (successful in the sense that they're still going, seem solid and don't seem to have any personal factor that would prevent us from successfully spending the rest of our lives together), the majority (but not all) of the initial 6-12 months was just spent talking online on MSN/Facebook Messenger, getting to know each other through text.

Obviously that's not normally how it goes for most people (I have a habit of falling for Americans, you see :lol:), but I feel like this has been a big factor in the success of these relationships. Probably mainly because communication is really important and if that step/phase succeeds, it means that you're able to form a bond at a level where all you do is communicate. I think that helps build a solid foundation for a lasting relationship, as well as eliminating anyone with whom you're unable to build such a foundation.

When it comes to finding someone in the first place, I don't have a lot of advice except to just go with the flow and let it happen. I have never found a boyfriend while looking for one. They've always just seemed to fall out of the sky in one way or another while I wasn't actively looking for one and they weren't either. One being a new forum member, the other actually being a Grindr hookup (one who, based on his profile, wasn't looking for a boyfriend at all but did appear to be compatible from what he could fit in the very limited profile text space allotted :P).

Brenden and I did come relatively close to seeing someone from Tinder on two occasions, which might have worked out if it'd got that far. We've certainly had good (actually, only) experiences with meeting people online (on forums/apps) who were or might have been an amazing match.

I hope this helps :D



Hi Rene,

Helps Immensely! Thanks for your continued thoughtful responses. It sounds like you are saying that the connections have been rather spontaneous, depending on chemistry, hobbies, and communication. Personal experience for me as well. My bf and I bonded over our knowledge of Treponemes and love of ice cream. Anyway, it sounds like you have been lucky in finding these connections but in retrospect how optimized would you say apps are in helping users find matches like yours or even for friendship....a connection that doesn't prioritize sex? In other words, could there have been a feature or something to help you find these connections either faster or with more ease?

Best,

Theo
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby René » 25 July 2020, 13:17

theoux wrote:Helps Immensely! Thanks for your continued thoughtful responses. It sounds like you are saying that the connections have been rather spontaneous, depending on chemistry, hobbies, and communication. Personal experience for me as well. My bf and I bonded over our knowledge of Treponemes and love of ice cream. Anyway, it sounds like you have been lucky in finding these connections but in retrospect how optimized would you say apps are in helping users find matches like yours or even for friendship....a connection that doesn't prioritize sex? In other words, could there have been a feature or something to help you find these connections either faster or with more ease?

I would say a big shortcoming, especially in Grindr, is the very limited profile text space. I didn't use Grindr for long, just a few weeks, but I always wished I could express more about myself in my profile so people could get a better idea of what I'm like and I could have a better idea of what others were like before messaging them. It's all very well to know someone's preferred sexual position, HIV status and safe-sex practices, but that tells you very little about how well you'll mesh with them outside of sex. :P I don't remember exactly how much space was allowed for just open text writing, but I always found it extremely limited.

Scruff does a better job in this area but still isn't really ideal.

As for a specific feature, after allowing people to write significantly longer profile text and maybe asking everyone to answer some specific questions about themselves for their profile (like Scruff does if memory serves)... maybe an AI/machine-learning algorithm could be used to match people based on how similar their profiles sound? Maybe it could then learn from whether / how long people keep chatting / whether they exchange outside contact details how successful its matching has been so far in particular cases and make adjustments to its matching process and keep improving. (Of course this would probably require some tweaks to privacy/data-protection policies and safeguards.)

I think what I've described above has the potential to be pretty revolutionary if well-executed by a company like Grindr. And it would probably have to be done by an already established one like that, since it's very difficult to break into the market I imagine.

Hey Theo, just a hunch... Are you an app developer? :D
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby theoux » 25 July 2020, 13:36

Thanks Renè, I am not a Web Developer but rather a User Experience Researcher..pretty much we help users get what they want. All of what you wrote is really innovative. Glad you understood my question because i worried it was poorly phrased. To go along with what your saying, ive also seen people use emojis in their profile display..(e.g coffee cup emoji)....mainly on grindr and scruff.

Thank you so much
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby René » 25 July 2020, 13:47

That's cool :)

Yeah, I noticed people using emoticons as substitutes for words due to limited space, e.g. to summarise interests.

Of course those could be taken into account by a matching system as well, but really I think people should just be able to write maybe a long, thorough profile plus a short "tl;dr"-style summary for readers who are in more of a hurry.
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby theoux » 25 July 2020, 15:13

René wrote:
theoux wrote:Helps Immensely! Thanks for your continued thoughtful responses. It sounds like you are saying that the connections have been rather spontaneous, depending on chemistry, hobbies, and communication. Personal experience for me as well. My bf and I bonded over our knowledge of Treponemes and love of ice cream. Anyway, it sounds like you have been lucky in finding these connections but in retrospect how optimized would you say apps are in helping users find matches like yours or even for friendship....a connection that doesn't prioritize sex? In other words, could there have been a feature or something to help you find these connections either faster or with more ease?

I would say a big shortcoming, especially in Grindr, is the very limited profile text space. I didn't use Grindr for long, just a few weeks, but I always wished I could express more about myself in my profile so people could get a better idea of what I'm like and I could have a better idea of what others were like before messaging them. It's all very well to know someone's preferred sexual position, HIV status and safe-sex practices, but that tells you very little about how well you'll mesh with them outside of sex. :P I don't remember exactly how much space was allowed for just open text writing, but I always found it extremely limited.

Scruff does a better job in this area but still isn't really ideal.

As for a specific feature, after allowing people to write significantly longer profile text and maybe asking everyone to answer some specific questions about themselves for their profile (like Scruff does if memory serves)... maybe an AI/machine-learning algorithm could be used to match people based on how similar their profiles sound? Maybe it could then learn from whether / how long people keep chatting / whether they exchange outside contact details how successful its matching has been so far in particular cases and make adjustments to its matching process and keep improving. (Of course this would probably require some tweaks to privacy/data-protection policies and safeguards.)

I think what I've described above has the potential to be pretty revolutionary if well-executed by a company like Grindr. And it would probably have to be done by an already established one like that, since it's very difficult to break into the market I imagine.

Hey Theo, just a hunch... Are you an app developer? :D



Hi Renè,

I think this is pretty astute. Im sure building this website took some time. The UX on your site is excellent. If someone posted a long post, whats the likelihood that another would read it entirely and what type of info do you think they'd (or you) would be looking for.

Best,

Theo
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby Eos » 25 July 2020, 21:32

What you're looking for René is OkCupid !
You can answer a lot of questions, write a lot on your profile, but sadly there isn't much people in it.
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby Brenden » 25 July 2020, 22:30

Eos wrote:What you're looking for René is OkCupid !
You can answer a lot of questions, write a lot on your profile, but sadly there isn't much people in it.

OKCupid used to be good but then they tried too hard to be like Tinder, yet failed, while throwing a lot of what made the site great away in the process.

Also yeah, it never really had a ‘critical mass’ of users.
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby theoux » 27 July 2020, 08:05

Eos wrote:What you're looking for René is OkCupid !
You can answer a lot of questions, write a lot on your profile, but sadly there isn't much people in it.


Have you had any luck on OkCupid. I tried it the other day. Its very clean looking but seemed expensive.
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby theoux » 27 July 2020, 08:07

Brenden wrote:
Eos wrote:What you're looking for René is OkCupid !
You can answer a lot of questions, write a lot on your profile, but sadly there isn't much people in it.

OKCupid used to be good but then they tried too hard to be like Tinder, yet failed, while throwing a lot of what made the site great away in the process.

Also yeah, it never really had a ‘critical mass’ of users.


What made OkCupid great?
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby sailinguser » 27 July 2020, 13:24

I have to say that I'm currently sour on the idea that it's worth the time to try to cultivate high-quality friendships on apps. There are high-quality people on every app, even Grindr. But I think any app will always tend to be an inefficient place to make friends. People who already have plenty of friends aren't trying to make new friends on an app--those people are just trying to get a date or get laid. And people who are trying to make friends on the apps tend to be unskillful at being good friends in the first place (e.g., desperate, clingy, whiny, assume negative intent, easily wounded, etc.).

There really is no substitute for making friends IRL over shared interests. If you're intent on making gay friends, try gay singing groups, gay sports, gay community centers, gay fundraising organizations, gay business groups, etc. These aren't hypothetical suggestions--I have made great friends in each of these kinds of groups. If there aren't any gay groups in your city, then get used to driving or hanging out with the straights! I would rather (and have at times) drive to the nearest metro regularly to spend time with high-quality friends than to be without any friends.
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby Eryx » 27 July 2020, 13:55

My boyfriend's from Grindr. I had been single for about a month and wasn't really concerned with finding someone for a relationship, as I was still healing from my past experience and wanted to have a little bit of fun.

I remember I was about to close the app (after some frustrated attempts of finding someone to have sex with) when he sent me a message. Even though he initiated it, he made it clear he wasn't approaching me for fast sex, but was interested and would like to be in touch. We shared numbers, talked for a long time and decided to meet at a bar on a Friday. And that was basically that. I did end up in his bed, slept over, and we just wanted to see each other more and more each week until it became kind of obvious that we were heading towards an actual relationship.

Months after we were already dating, he confessed to me that he'd actually seen me on Grindr before he approached me, and couldn't forget my picture, so he faked his GPS to be online closer to my house and have me show up on his list again.

From his approach, I'd suggest that anyone looking for a relationship or even a colorful friendship (i.e. more than just fucking and leaving, and learning the person's actual name) should probably do something similar to him. Don't push for sex too quickly, try to gauge whether or no the person is actually willing to do other activities with you, and try to create a connection that goes beyond the temporary heat.
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Re: Finding connections on gay apps?

Unread postby Brenden » 27 July 2020, 22:53

theoux wrote:
Brenden wrote:
Eos wrote:What you're looking for René is OkCupid !
You can answer a lot of questions, write a lot on your profile, but sadly there isn't much people in it.

OKCupid used to be good but then they tried too hard to be like Tinder, yet failed, while throwing a lot of what made the site great away in the process.

Also yeah, it never really had a ‘critical mass’ of users.

What made OkCupid great?

All the questions about yourself you could answer and then seeing how you match with others. It's still sort of like that except that they give you a narrow selection of people you match with and want you to flip through them like Tinder. It used to be you could just find anyone with a profile and browse a bunch of profiles based on how they match with you. When René and I first started dating we both had OkCupid profiles and were able to find each other and, like, friend each other and compare all our answers.
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