Finding love

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Finding love

Unread postby Idot760 » 22 December 2021, 19:14

I am 41 years old. I haven't had a relationship in over five years. It's not that I can't get a relationship. I easily could if I was desperate enough. I seem to only attract the most undesirable guys. I honestly think they look at my picture and think I am as ugly as they are so they stand a chance. Should I just lower my standards and give them a chance? Am I just being too shallow and need to learn to love guys who are in my "league" even if they aren't what I really want? It's so frustrating because I think I am a nice looking guy with s lot to offer but my limited choices in the dating pool make me wonder if that's the truth.
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Re: Finding love

Unread postby pozzie » 22 December 2021, 21:44

Welcome to the forum!

There's really a lot at play in what you describe but I'm going to hone in on one point. When you write, "I honestly think they look at my picture and think I am as ugly as they are so they stand a chance." it makes me think you are using the first impressions from a dating/hookup app. If you are truly interested in dating and getting to know other guys, maybe even make some friends, then why be so choosy? It's so easy to just keep saying, "Nah, next!" when scrolling through dozens of profiles - at least I hope you're learning a bit about these guys before consigning them to the proverbial dating dustbin. Rather than saying no to all, why not find two to give a chance? It's not a life commitment, try dinner and a movie (or whatever you two are comfortable doing during this pandemic). And maybe change the thinking a bit: it's not about "lowering standards" but more about "expanding horizons".
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Re: Finding love

Unread postby RenĂ© » 23 December 2021, 05:59

pozzie wrote:There's really a lot at play in what you describe but I'm going to hone in on one point. When you write, "I honestly think they look at my picture and think I am as ugly as they are so they stand a chance." it makes me think you are using the first impressions from a dating/hookup app. If you are truly interested in dating and getting to know other guys, maybe even make some friends, then why be so choosy? It's so easy to just keep saying, "Nah, next!" when scrolling through dozens of profiles - at least I hope you're learning a bit about these guys before consigning them to the proverbial dating dustbin. Rather than saying no to all, why not find two to give a chance? It's not a life commitment, try dinner and a movie (or whatever you two are comfortable doing during this pandemic). And maybe change the thinking a bit: it's not about "lowering standards" but more about "expanding horizons".

It has also been my observation that most people look better in real life than in most photos, and that finding other things you like about a person, making a connection with their mind and personality, and any feelings you develop all have a massive influence on how you perceive them.
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Re: Finding love

Unread postby Idot760 » 24 December 2021, 14:13

To me dating is like a job interview. We go to job interview for a specific purpose. Nobody who has interviewed for a job and didn't make the cut says "Hey at.least I got an opportunity to get to know another person" You don't go to interviews for that. Same with dating. Unfortunately, there is fierce competition for quality guys and that scares me. I have to outperform the completion or he will just toss me to the side for someone else. Of course if I am willing to take the 270 lb autistic guy that works the drive thru at Taco Bell and lives with his parents, there is not any competition for him. He is delighted with anyone that shows an interest in him. No routine of multiple dates, talking about hobbies and interests and goals and blah blah blah. For the kind of guy I want, there's no getting around it. He has lots to choose from him and I don't know how to stand out from the rest. It's so aggravating.
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Re: Finding love

Unread postby pozzie » 27 December 2021, 20:59

Idot760 wrote:To me dating is like a job interview. We go to job interview for a specific purpose. Nobody who has interviewed for a job and didn't make the cut says "Hey at.least I got an opportunity to get to know another person" You don't go to interviews for that. Same with dating. Unfortunately, there is fierce competition for quality guys and that scares me. I have to outperform the completion or he will just toss me to the side for someone else. Of course if I am willing to take the 270 lb autistic guy that works the drive thru at Taco Bell and lives with his parents, there is not any competition for him. He is delighted with anyone that shows an interest in him. No routine of multiple dates, talking about hobbies and interests and goals and blah blah blah. For the kind of guy I want, there's no getting around it. He has lots to choose from him and I don't know how to stand out from the rest. It's so aggravating.


Again. Perspective. And not saying that your perspective is wrong, just that there might be other ways to think about a given situation - ways that make it less aggravating. For me, while I don't 'enjoy' job interviews, I've always thought each one is a bit of practice, especially since one has no idea what crazy, off-the-wall questions will be posed. I don't remember the actual questions now, it's been decades, but I know I was asked some really strange questions that had little to do with the potential job, but of course their point was to show how I thought on my feet, under pressure, so to speak. I could have simply decided the questions were idiotic and the interviewer stupid but I chose a different interpretation.

I don't think many of less-than-beautiful set find dating easy. We all have our problems and the things we don't like about ourselves. Some of us have substantial issues that make it harder, no doubt. (And yes, that includes HIV - never really found this to be a selling point when I date.) And yes, that super sexy guy has a lot more options than I do, so what's my choice? Take the super sexy guy out of the picture? No thanks, prison dating isn't on my bucket list. Other than that, one can "make it work" or there is the choice I made which is to no longer invest time, energy, or money in something that wasn't very productive.

Yes, dating is difficult and first dates are rather like interviews. Do you have any options for just hanging out with other gay men? Any clubs or social groups?
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