Friend with benefits?

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Friend with benefits?

Unread postby Archie » 11 October 2020, 22:25

Hi guys!
That’s my first post! I’m Conni.

I would be grateful for your advice.

I’m 27, before 2020 I met only two gays via Grindr, this years it was like 10-15. In late July I met one guy, first day we spent time with 3rd gay (there wasn’t any fun) but we liked each other from the beginning I think, he asked me then when we will meet only both of us for fun. I’m top his btm. We met two days later. It was really nice. We met 5 times for first 2 weeks, having sex once, go on a date or just spend night in bed without sex after 2 weeks together (before he go for 4-week vacation planned long time before). We both felt very relaxed and good with each other.

He told me on 2nd or 3rd meeting that he was in a 2 year relationship that ended in April (he is also 27 and his ex 40). He still loves his ex but less and less, and he is sure he will not go back to him, but they are meeting sometimes (not too often but just as friends)

During holiday we didn’t txt too much (sometimes even for three days in a row), once I asked for a call so we had a 20 min call at night.

After he back, in September, we started to talk again, but didn’t met as I also back from holiday and we didn’t wanted to risk to meet (in case of corona). We met after 2,5 week for the first time just for a 1h walk. It was good. Txting all time. Couple of days later we meet and spent night together. Then go to the cinema different night. From September to October we had I think 5-8 commons walks. One week ago it was my birthday, he bought me a flowers and an alcohol, we went for a dinner then go back to his place had fun and spent night together.
He also started to initiate conversations on whatsup how I feel what am I doing etc. very often he was the first who starting the day with conversation. I’m always with everybody very talkative (u can see even this long post haha) so I used to it I always txt more than others. But when we meet we talk a lot.

We had 3 serious discussion for last three months:

1) after two weeks when he went for vacation I asked him if I should wait and not meet others (I could wait for him). He said I’m perfect, his ex was perfect, but he’s not into relationship now and want to go to rest and think about life (I also asked and maybe unnecessarily pushed if I can visit him for 2-3 days), it was on his 3rd day on vacation.
2) three weeks ago, he said to me that I shouldnt behave like his boyfriend coz I am not him and shouldnt stop asking all time for meeting and what is he doing etc (that day it was true I was too much) - after that he stopped to send any kisses or hearts as he did before and also said he felt obligated sometimes before that conversation he should do sth to me... (after conversation 1h later he invited me to party with his friends in his house and kissed me in lips, he wasn’t drink he don’t drink and smoke, and then go together to club and couple days later also we spend all night together on my birthday - we sleeping together but just kissing no sex)
3) today I started a conversation to have everything clear - in general - for me it’s ok you need to clear your life after your ex, I’m ok without any relationship, but want to have clarity if u meet others. His response was - in general - I very like you, I can be your GOOD friend and don’t see any barriers to kiss each other or have fun if it leads us to it, but I’m not into relationship or any commitment now.

What should I do?

I am aware that maybe I pushed sometimes, and if I wouldn’t ask this serious question would be maybe better, but I think it’s fair to ask.

I wonna have a contact with him, I have some real feelings, thinking of him each day, we txting everyday, but for sure I’m more invovled than him. For me it’s ok if we are not be in relationship now or soon. But he also said that for him it’s ok if I would meet others guys not only him (I asked if this will be ok if I start to meet others he said it’s ok, but didn’t say if he meets others, but I’m not and don’t have that need btw). I know that he met his ex 3 weeks ago for common massage and then lunch (but it was just 3hours at 11 am), but he told me that. I’m sure he didn’t meet ex on weekends nights as he posted pic with their close friends so it’s not possible. Maybe during the week, but I also doubt. It’s more possible he meet other guys (not via Grindr but this who met before, but maybe also not, he didn’t say if he met, he just say he don’t want to be committed).

So it’s like he really likes me, but he still have feelings to his ex (even if they broke up 6 months ago). I believe he’s not into other guys now, but even if we meet quite regular (1-2 per week) sometimes even for walk not always fun, he still has a hope to be back to ex (he said it was their common decision to broke up, and they both don’t wonna go back). His ex is 40 y.o. So 13 years older, also well educated like me, but I’m sure I look prettier haha, I’m also well educated and have nice career (but of course he’s 13 years older so have more achievements).

Thanks for advice, what should I do or how should I behave.

BTW He is offline on Grindr (for three weeks) don’t have also other accounts (I checked sometimes he’s place location haha as he used to be online quite often), and don’t think he meet others regularly, but I’m not sure of course. We mainly met when he proposed, so I stopped doing it as didn’t want to push...
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Joined: 11 October 2020, 21:07

Re: Friend with benefits?

Unread postby justagayboy » 12 October 2020, 01:51

Hi Archie!

It sounds like you know fairly well that you like him. And that he kinda likes you, but not as much as you do. It sounds like he wants the relationship to just be friends with benefits and is not interested in dating your seriously. That really sucks. Friends with benefits only really works if both people are on the same page. Unfortunately, he has made his position pretty clear.

I am someone who cannot do a contained friends with benefits kind of relationship. Once my feelings really start going, there are no stopping them. It sounds like you are similar in this instance. There may not be a way to hold back your feelings, and he doesn't want them. It would be one thing if he was down to start there and see where it could go, but he sounds pretty dead-set on his stance.

Once again speaking as if I were in your situation, I would have no choice but to tell him. That I like him and being friends with benefits would makes it too hard to hold back the feelings I have. It is extremely difficult to try to find other people to date once you already have someone who you think about all day. Impossible for some, like myself. Who knows when he would be ready to move on from his ex completely and be ready for something new. It sounds like he himself does not even know that.

I got thrown off by your 2nd discussion you explained a lot. I don't like that. He's down to kiss you and do things, but got upset when you like him even after you guys have been talking for so long.

If you want to find someone who you can fully like this way and it be recipricated, I would suggesting pulling back from this guy. He does not want that right now. That might mean not talking with him for a while, at least to the point where you no longer think about him often. It's not a nice situation and can hurt just as much as falling for someone who does not like you back.

Always do your best to be happy with your life on own, especially in this situation! Self love is very important
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Joined: 12 October 2020, 00:07
Country: United States (us)

Re: Friend with benefits?

Unread postby Archie » 12 October 2020, 06:28

Thanks for your answer!!! It’s really valuable for me!!!

Agree with you, as don’t wonna date others for know. I always thought that we are nice guys who meet each other, and there is maybe the chance for something in the future (with no pressure). Now have clarity it’s only friends with benefits, but do you think that there is a chance for more serious kind of relationship in the future? Or that I should continue what it is, and in some time I’ll stop have feelings (as now I am aware, and also don’t feeling sad, really). Maybe zi should give some time to myself...

Im sure that if I wouldn’t ask him this questions directly we would probably meet more often and he will be more relaxed (but thanks to that clarity I stopped treated him as boyfriend and it’s better for me, even after last day conversation I’m still in a good mood) and he knowing that I am involved more just stopped sending any kisses or hearts also as he like me and don’t wonna hurt me. But for now it’s his ex (I don’t think they date, but wonna ask when we meet not via whatsup), me as a friend with benefit, and don’t think they are others (I don’t know to be honest but will also ask as he didn’t replied, just say he don’t want to have any commitment).

I asked him this question while I was in a very good mood - I am still - so for me it’s the most important. After our last conversation I decided not to txt him, but he started each day as first. Even without any nice emojis. I didn’t expect anything on my birthdays, so I decided to ask again, after spending night together, to have final confirmation. Now have clarity for friends with benefits. But I don’t know if there is any chance to move to the next level (in theory) if I will really stop to push and change my way of thinking of him...

This is his last message to me yesterday (after that, we just talked about some music for a while):

“I can offer you being your friend and I don't have anything against kissing or having fun if any moment is leading to us. It's something I told u from beggining. To be honest I am not looking for a bf or any other commitment and I can be a good friend. I like u and I like being ur friens, but right now I don't want to go above that with anyone and u knew it”
Posts: 2
Joined: 11 October 2020, 21:07

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