Going all in, fully conscious

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Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Eryx » 13 September 2019, 05:46

I've mended my relationships with my family: my dad is my biggest fan, my mom gets bothered sometimes but she gives me space. I've mended my relationship with my sister: she's demanding, expecting of me to become something great and superior, above all the other waves, but she respects my vision to be just another speck in the sand. I've mended my relationship with my grandmother, my best friend, who understood that the fact she lost her son, her favorite son, to her conservatism and drugs in the 80s, doesn't mean my fate is the same. Yet, I feel that their concerns weigh on me.

6 years as a child in a rural town, 2 years alone in a capital, 3 years with real, intensive friends in the Amazon, a year in the U-S-A, one more year for college prep at home, 4 years as a married gay man in Rio de Janeiro, 2.5 years in a college town as a single man, a year back home as a working man, and one and a half year as someone who finally wants to settle down. I thought that this, after finally finding my passion -- Linguistics -- would be the end of it.

I thought that if I wanted to have sex with someone other than my boyfriend, I'd just suggest it to him. I thought that we could find a home, improve our furniture together, and take it easy. Nothing is ever fucking easy. A year and a half later, he's part of my family and every single person knows of him, from age 3 to age 96, but no one from his ever knew me, or that I even existed. It was all part of a promise. I'm starting to realize I gave him too much time.

On Friday, he'd be distant. He wouldn't touch me. He was very excited about what happened to his week, and I'd support him and his projects. On Saturday, he'd be just like the Sour Patch Kids: delicious, unpredictable. On Sunday, he'd be sweet, caring, and loving. And I'd wait for that to come next week, but these successions never changed.

Today was shit. I don't think I can handle it anymore. I've never learned as much as I did with him, but I think it's time to be single one more time. And I hate it. But it's becoming clear... and I hate it. But it's becoming clearer... and I hate it. But it must be done.
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby René » 13 September 2019, 11:31

:hug:

I'm curious, has he seen anyone about these daily mood swings?
He's not a drug user, is he?
Does his voice sound significantly different on these different kinds of days?
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby mxguy01 » 13 September 2019, 15:13

:hug: :hug: :hug:

All I got for you. Sorry I can't do more.
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Spacekitty » 13 September 2019, 15:14

Eryx wrote:but no one from his ever knew me, or that I even existed.


Want to make sure I don't misunderstand it all - Does this mean he's not out? Does he "hide" you from his world?
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Eryx » 13 September 2019, 16:33

Spacekitty wrote:Want to make sure I don't misunderstand it all - Does this mean he's not out? Does he "hide" you from his world?
All our mutual friends, and the ones we made at work when we were colleagues, know about us and are okay with it. But he's never come forward to his family, previous friends or people in this current workplace.

René wrote:I'm curious, has he seen anyone about these daily mood swings?
He's not a drug user, is he?
Does his voice sound significantly different on these different kinds of days?
He does cocaine occasionally, but it isn't what's causing his behavior in the cases I mentioned. I know what to expect when he's high. He's quit tobacco while we're together and he reduced his coke habit substantially, but with or without it, he's unbalanced. And yeah, his voice goes higher, he's broken beer glasses when we were at the beginning of our relationship, and he noticeably changes as the weekends progress.

Also worth noting that we said goodbye yesterday with him stiffing me when we were going home (to sleep next to each other) by showing me the finger and simply walking away. I'm so fucking done.

Text transcript (before I blocked him):

1. What a sweet illusion that I'm always going to pat your head for everything
2. This is not what I'm here for
3. It's never going to be
4. Good night, I LOVE YOU.
5. I really think that I'm never going to be enough for you
6. You need a devout
7. Not a lover
8. I'm tired to hear "ehhh" when I give you an advice
9. I have the slight impression that you want to make your own prophecy happen
10. I'll never be accused of not making an effort
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby René » 13 September 2019, 18:23

Eryx wrote:
René wrote:I'm curious, has he seen anyone about these daily mood swings?
He's not a drug user, is he?
Does his voice sound significantly different on these different kinds of days?

He does cocaine occasionally, but it isn't what's causing his behavior in the cases I mentioned. I know what to expect when he's high. He's quit tobacco while we're together and he reduced his coke habit substantially, but with or without it, he's unbalanced. And yeah, his voice goes higher, he's broken beer glasses when we were at the beginning of our relationship, and he noticeably changes as the weekends progress.

I wonder if he was like this before he started doing drugs these drugs. If not, I would expect his emotional instability to continue until he's been completely abstinent for some time. Any use of a drug like cocaine will mess with homeostasis and make it harder for the brain to keep things level, both while high and in between.

At least you're done with him now.
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Derek » 13 September 2019, 18:56

You were married?
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Spacekitty » 13 September 2019, 19:42

You clearly have grown and moving to a next / new level in your being. It's a shame when the one you love can't see a way forward to grow with you as a couple. That said, your young and I'm sure greater thing are ahead. Honestly, by the sound of it all - you deserve better...
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Spacekitty » 13 September 2019, 19:49

Eryx wrote:All our mutual friends, and the ones we made at work when we were colleagues, know about us and are okay with it. But he's never come forward to his family, previous friends or people in this current workplace.


Oh no... that never, ever works... After such a long time there shouldn't be these kind of issues anymore. I had a friend that went through the same kind of thing with his partner. Eventually got to the point where family knew - after 3 years! It was an emotional roller coaster ride for him even after they knew. One year he thought he was finally being embarrassed when asked to make Christmas dessert. As it came closer they were told they can come for Christmas but can't sleep under the partners parents roof. The partner can but the boyfriend (my friend) not. They didn't want the neighbors to pick up on anything. AND on Christmas Day the partner's brother in law made mention in passing that he's concern about my friend being around his little boys. WTF... :squint:
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby mxguy01 » 13 September 2019, 20:13

Spacekitty wrote:
Eryx wrote:All our mutual friends, and the ones we made at work when we were colleagues, know about us and are okay with it. But he's never come forward to his family, previous friends or people in this current workplace.


Oh no... that never, ever works... After such a long time there shouldn't be these kind of issues anymore. I had a friend that went through the same kind of thing with his partner. Eventually got to the point where family knew - after 3 years! It was an emotional roller coaster ride for him even after they knew. One year he thought he was finally being embarrassed when asked to make Christmas dessert. As it came closer they were told they can come for Christmas but can't sleep under the partners parents roof. The partner can but the boyfriend (my friend) not. They didn't want the neighbors to pick up on anything. AND on Christmas Day the partner's brother in law made mention in passing that he's concern about my friend being around his little boys. WTF... :squint:


Issues around achieving independence from your family goes well beyond just the physical (monetary) issues; I guess some people never accomplish that. No way in hell I'd spend Christmas with them after that and I certainly wouldn't expect my partner to take that kind of crap on my behalf.
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Spacekitty » 13 September 2019, 21:59

mxguy01 wrote:Issues around achieving independence from your family goes well beyond just the physical (monetary) issues; I guess some people never accomplish that. No way in hell I'd spend Christmas with them after that and I certainly wouldn't expect my partner to take that kind of crap on my behalf.


Exactly! Use to piss me off so much. I would never have allowed my partner to put me in that situation and on the flip side I would never put my partner in that situation. Luckily for my friend he was still quite young and learnt from the experience. Many years lost but at least it's over. He now has such a great guy in his life and they are getting married in about 3 weeks. And you won't believe how he has grown as a person in the past 2 years that they've been together. Amazing how the dynamics in a relationship can build or brake a person.
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Jzone » 14 September 2019, 00:15

Eryx wrote:Also worth noting that we said goodbye yesterday with him stiffing me when we were going home (to sleep next to each other) by showing me the finger and simply walking away. I'm so fucking done.
I lost my best friend years ago when he gave me the finger with his back to me after we had a disagreement. If he couldn't put more effort into communicating then I knew it wasn't worth trying to maintain our friendship. 30 years later I still have friends who want to patch things up between us (we were that close), but it's well over.
Text transcript (before I blocked him):

1. What a sweet illusion that I'm always going to pat your head for everything
2. This is not what I'm here for
3. It's never going to be
4. Good night, I LOVE YOU.
5. I really think that I'm never going to be enough for you
6. You need a devout
7. Not a lover
8. I'm tired to hear "ehhh" when I give you an advice
9. I have the slight impression that you want to make your own prophecy happen
10. I'll never be accused of not making an effort
I think you know — this is toxic. I have no doubt you have gained some valuable insights from this relationship, and you have loved him. For whatever reason, it's time to move on. It may not be easy, but you sound clear. Don't second-guess yourself. Thank him for the love and the good times, and wish him well. Feel the grief and the relief, and stay strong.
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 14 September 2019, 05:22

I'm very sorry for your breakup. You have to do what you think is best for you.

I've been in a relationship for a very long time. We have our ups and downs. However, I just couldn't imagine breaking up with him since we have been together through so much. I was there for him when he had to have 5 bypasses . He was there for me last fall when I had a bad case of West Nile which came close to killing me.

I will say that I held back somewhat. Not because I didn't trust him, but because of a real bad breakup so many years ago with someone else. I had just always had a small voice in the back of my head to hold a bit back because "men" are fickle and will eventually loose interest... Again, he gave me no cause to feel that way, but my former experience gave me a tiny bit of reserve to be prepared for being dumped again. However, last fall I remember at one point coming out of sedation and seeing him there beside me. He started to explain what happened to me (again I was sedated for around 11 days) and he started crying. My guy is a very masculine guy. In our 16+ years, there has only been a hand full of times he has lost it. So for him to cry over me, I new this was genuine caring. I realized how lucky I was. For those 5 weeks, he was there with me in the hospital. He took a leave of absence of work, and except to go home to take care of our animals (pets & farm animals), and then come back. This was a tough time in his life beyond my illness as his mother came down with non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (cancer) and her chemo had a negative effect in that it affected her heart and breathing. So he had a double wammy.

Like your boyfriend, actually neither one of us was totally out to our families. I was kind of forced out. Why? Because not being next of kin nor married (now that it is legal in the US), he wasn't technically supposed to make decisions for me. So he had to out me to my younger sisters so that he could get rights to make life and death decisions for me. I never was a fan of being completely out, because I want people to like me (or for that matter NOT like me) based on who I am, not based on their perceived negative (or positive) views of what it means to be attracted to other men.... Anyway, that is a discussion for another day.

Just know that what I learned from my near-death illness is that my guy is a "keeper". I'll be 60 in Dec, and of all my decades I have never known a man who has so much integrity towards others and so much loyalty towards me -- except for my loving grandfather who was part of my household as a child until he died when I was 7.5 years old.

My guy is NOT perfect. He had 5 by-passes and multiple doctors said one of the biggest causes was his smoking. (I always thought of smoking as having to do with lung disease, but nicotine has a very negative impact on the arterial walls.) He tried to quit, but gave up on it. It is an "understood" secret that he still smokes. I don't judge him for smoking, but for smoking knowing that he is NOT one of the lucky ones who could live to 95 and smoke. It already caused him 5 bypasses. So lovingly, for HIS own self, I wish he'd give the damn things up.

We have our little spats from time to time. Including to day. I probably seem like an asshole at times when I give him the silent treatment. However, "I" do that because there are times my emotions get the better of me (anger), and If I spurted something out at the time, it would probably be something mean. I don't ever want to say something "mean" to a loved one that I couldn't take back, so I keep my mouth SHUT. To get past the anger may take several hours -- maybe a day. So during that time, I probably seem like an asshole, but I'm protecting him from my anger and what my mouth may shout out when I'm not under control. (Personalities I believe are sometimes inherited. Both my parents had anger issues. Note, that I only lived with my dad for 3.5 years, yet I see traits of him in me. He once didn't talk to my youngest sister (technically I have 2 younger half-sisters. He got angry at her for being late for some payment of a loan, so he didn't talk to her for TWO years. I've never done anything that IDIOTIC. Then one day, when he was in the hospital and she stopped by, he acted as if nothing ever happened -- not even an apology for two years of being an asshole...)

Anyway, no person and no relationship is perfect. However, for MYSELF, I know I need to stay with my guy. I'm kind of a loner in many ways. He keeps me from being totally isolated. Plus like I pointed out, when times are tough he is there for me. We may have never legally/religiously stated lines such as being together in sickness or in health as long as we both shall live..., but if the dedication he has for me is seen by someone else as anything less than a loving, committed spouse because we are both guys, then that individual has no clue as to what true love and marriage is really about. I may not be worthy of such a wonderful man, but there is no way in hell I would ever call it quits. He is my better half, and I'm in it for the long haul with or without any piece of paper and/or ceremony.

Again, I am sorry for your breakup, but as stated at the beginning. You know what you have to do for yourself. Good luck in your future.

PS: I should have added that before I left the hospital we signed a durable power of attorney for each other with his son being the one to turn to if both of us are out of commission. I don't want him to ever go through what he did with me. I cannot promise him my health, but I can make sure there are no legal hurdles he has to go through again.
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Jryski » 14 September 2019, 11:53

Sounds like you made the right choice. Time to take a good and deep breather!
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby NvM » 14 September 2019, 14:51

NobodySpecial wrote:...we signed a durable power of attorney for each other with his son being the one to turn to if both of us are out of commission ... but I can make sure there are no legal hurdles he has to go through again.
I am not making a suggestion you get married but rather stating some obvious facts:
-Marriage gives you free, proven and effective legal packages of tools to run a common household. The marriage application process is well organized and all that is need be done is go to a county court house and sign up. The institution of marriage assures that your commitment as a couple will be un challenged by the outside. Marriage will not make you or your partner a better person.
-Your tax situation might benefit too. The joint tax law is old, from the 1950's. Filing jointly usually is the way to go if one husband has a standard W2 income and the other has some other income, farming, consulting, retired etc. My take on filing jointly, it is meant to benefit husband wife with a stay at home parent. Another benefit, for a complex tax return, you only have to file once.


be careful who you hang with.
judge your self by your friends.
I would shy big time away from anyone with addictive behaviors. Life is all down hill so make the easy fun. Addiction is not curable.

The gay dating pool is small. The older gay citizens had it rougher growing up. Gay life has improved for those younger and influenced by the last 5-10 years of improved acceptance.

A good time to consider a long term relationship is after you get your own life in order. There is nothing wrong with being single and loving your self.

whatever; :heart: :heart:
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Eryx » 14 September 2019, 16:22

Thank you, everyone!

Derek, not married, just an intense relationship. The best so far. The ending is most unfortunate.

Jay, thank you so much for your insight. I have to remind myself that this didn't happen for no reason. If everything was fine, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have said what I said. It would be just another argument, not a decisive fight.

NobodySpecial, I think your love is beautiful. I was fully willing to do all of that for and with him. I think I just couldn't take the abuse anymore. I gave all of myself to him. I was his biggest cheerleader, almost even replacing his mother, who has passed.

Relationships aren't easy and people can't be perfect. I'm aware. I'm not under the illusion that someone will always make me unconditionally happy and content with everything they do. He's just made me so tired...

I haven't been able to stop crying. I'm losing my best friend. It feels like I don't have a North anymore, and his life is so damn complicated right now that I almost feel guilty for abandoning him.

But I can't feel like that. I'm here because something happened. I can't question myself. I can't break because he called me crying to say he loves me. I have to stay strong...

It sucks! It fucking sucks. I wish my problems were still about wondering if my best friend is straight or not.
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby mxguy01 » 14 September 2019, 16:33

If it's not right and it's gotten to the point you realize it will never again be what you need, yes it is time for you to stay strong if he can't. Getting the finger and such is pretty indicative that it is done from his side not to mention the childishness of it. IMO, his worst childish act is to come back at you and dump "he loves you". I didn't want to say much as it's really you who needs to decide if it's just best to move on. I remember you saying you been with him for some time so I get how hard it can be to loose that kind of "best friend" in life. At some point your likely to observe that that "best friend" went away some time ago before this point and that's why your relationship ended up where it is at. Be careful the emotion doesn't change from sadness to anger. From your posts here it's obvious that this relationship was pretty special too for while it lasted. Hang onto the good.
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Eryx » 14 September 2019, 22:49

Thank you. I'm trying to remember the reasons. I love him so much. But it will all bite me back if I don't stand my ground. I just have to hold on for this week, it will get easier.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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Re: Going all in, fully conscious

Unread postby Capt._Trips » 15 September 2019, 01:29

Break ups always suck.
All i can do is try and give a hug and send some good vibes your way.

If you truly feel like its time to part ways. Stay strong and dont let feelings get in the way.

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