Grindr ....

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Grindr ....

Unread postby Mrblaster23 » 3 September 2019, 03:23

Hey y'all,

Okay I'm going to explain my story and would love advice. I have come to who I am and recently have told my friends I am bisexual (haven't told my family yet). I met my current boyfriend on Grindr and I have really bad trust issues... it's been like this for 3 months and I can't seem to trust him. Right now he is in Scotland to visit family and told me he would never download Grindr but he did to see who has come out as gay in the past year. As well, he is 10 years older than me and said throughout the years he has made friends on Grindr. He is now going to Iceland by himself and asked me if he could download Grindr to "meet" other gays and to make friends. I got really mad at him and we got in an argument and I called him out and said he could use other apps to make friends. Why Grindr were 99% of the times it's guys wanting to have sex? He told me he would never cheat and never do anything with anyone and I can't seem to trust him.... why is he so focussed on Grindr? I know guys are probably sending him nudes or horny messages but he insisted he is only there for friends. I know of one the main things in a relationship is trust and I do love this guy but when he suggests things like this I get anxiety and freak out. Maybe I'm over reacting and if I don't trust him, break up with him?
The reason I posted this story is because I am sooooo new to the gay scene and what happens in gay relationships (this is my first) so I don't really know what to do.
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby NvM » 3 September 2019, 15:11

oh my;

-in a drama free honest way you need to dum the guy because sounds like its a bad match for YOU. 3 months is not a long time to know someone and it is already turning toxic. If you love your self that is.

-your family; likely they already know. Out your self if you can, when your ready. Ideally you could than confide with at some or all of your family and not have to do it on line as much. Tho here we love you too.

-People like to put labels on their lives (Gay or bi... ). Dont do it. Than you will be able to puzzle through faster better what you need in a relationshop. What could be an immediate need and the limits. Long term goals?

totally sarcastic but:
you want a fast easy life partner, loyal companion? get a dog.
I did and works well 4me.
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby mxguy01 » 3 September 2019, 17:34

Trying to see both sides:

First, three months is not that long of a period of time. If he was use to just hanging on Grindr, chatting etc. At what time period is it to give up grindr. Is it really necessary to give it up as long as your not messing around (the old you can window shop just not purchase anything adage). Let's face it, grindr is a way to be "hit on" by other gays. In ways to some I guess that provides some self assurance for people to know that they are appealing to others, etc.

Second, he did say he'd give up grindr and now back to it. This time he is asking you though. Some of his behavior may appear to be suspicious that he is hooking up on the side.

You mention trust being important in a relationship. Communication is even more so as that will help the trust situation or lack there of. You need to start communicating your feelings around this to him and you both need to work through it to some solution that is acceptable to both. He needs to play is part in that too.

Good luck with it all. And oh, we never hear back on these. For once it would be nice to hear how it eventually worked it way out.
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby Jzone » 3 September 2019, 18:11

Mx hit all the major points. Communication is how you will build trust with this guy. It's great that he has at least brought up Grindr with you. I suggest you express how much anxiety you feel about him being on that app, rather than accusing him of wanting to hook up when he is away. You know your feelings, but you don't know his actions when he's not with you. I'm sure there are respectable gay bars or clubs in Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Reykjavík as an alternative for meeting other gay guys on Grindr.
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby René » 3 September 2019, 18:44

There is very good advice above, but I just want to add as a general observation that the Grindr population has a huge selection bias in favour of guys who enjoy impulsive casual sex with people they don't know very well. It may not be the best place to find someone you want to have a monogamous relationship with.

Good luck and do let us know what happens :hug:
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby Yeauxleaux » 3 September 2019, 20:25

A guy you've been with for 3 months isn't a "boyfriend", he's someone you're barely dating, and you're putting way too many stakes on the non-relationship way too early. That will only ever end badly.

However if you do want to try waiting it out and seeing if he changes, then I say just be like him for now. He's clearly exploring his options with other men, so you stop giving him all your undivided attention and time, and open up your options too. I'm not saying you have to end it with him altogether, but he's clearly not invested in making any serious commitment yet and he's taking your situation very casually, so maybe you should do the same until if/when he's ready to go exclusive with you? You might find a better man in the meantime and if he comes to his senses too late, oh well boohoo for him, he didn't act quick enough.

In the meantime stop worrying and just let him do what he's gonna do, being possessive will do absolutely nothing other than make him drop you like a hot potato. If you just can't handle that he's not showing more interest in you, then (with as little drama as possible) end it with him and stop wasting your time.
Last edited by Yeauxleaux on 3 September 2019, 20:41, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby mxguy01 » 3 September 2019, 20:40

Yeauxleaux wrote:A guy you've been with for 3 months isn't a "boyfriend", he's someone you're barely dating, and you're putting way too many stakes on the non-relationship way too early. That will only ever end badly.

However if you do want to try waiting it out and seeing if he changes, then I say just be like him for now. He's clearly exploring his options with other men, so you stop giving him all your undivided attention and time, and open up your options too. I'm not saying you have to end it with him altogether, but he's clearly not invested in making any serious commitment yet and he's taking your situation very casually, so maybe you should do the same until if/when he's ready to go exclusive with you?

In the meantime stop worrying and just let him do what he's gonna do, being possessive will do absolutely nothing other than make him drop you like a hot potato. If you just can't handle that he's not showing more interest in you, then (with as little drama as possible) end it with him and stop wasting your time.


It's funny how we (including myself) are so wanting of a "partner" or serious "BF" that we want to take someone who is just the wrong one and somehow convince ourselves he's the one... I've had to learn myself to keep from wanting to declare an exclusive situation before I was really ready for that with an individual to only find out shortly later I wanted to keep exploring other opportunities.

Oh and that last part makes me cringe ending it with a guy. I've got one that simply won't go away even though I've refused to answer calls, txts, grindr messages (yeah ,even there) for a couple months now.
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby Mrblaster23 » 4 September 2019, 06:16

Thanks guys, I'll post an update after we have a discussion and a serious conversation.
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby Mrblaster23 » 30 September 2019, 17:22

Hey y'all thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post and thank you For the advice. I talked to my bf and told him if he is going to be a smart ass and break a promise of not doing something (for instance downloading Grindr) that we are over. I do not like people lying and if he wants grindr on his phone so badly that he would need to break up with me. Am I a controlling boyfriend? In my opinion no because I've told him multiple times how I've felt towards Grindr and how it makes me upset of him having it and I hoped he would respect his partner enough to not do something that makes me feel upset. This whole situation was just messy because we met on Grindr and hooked up the first time we met and now we are dating... something I'm not used to ever happening.
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby Eryx » 30 September 2019, 17:40

I'd do the same.
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby Jzone » 30 September 2019, 20:15

Mrb— That's only half an update. What was his response? Details, please.

I met my boyfriend on Grindr (now ex). Actually he first came on to me at a Halloween dance, but wouldn't take his mask off. That weirded me out. Then he said hi on Grindr months later, after I had figured out who he was. I was a little uncomfortable at first, meeting on the app, but he was really looking for a relationship and we both stopped using it while we were going out.
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 1 October 2019, 05:59

I know of two couples who met on Grindr and it has actually worked out. They're in happy, long-term relationships (one is 6 years, the other about 7). That being said, a Grindr hookup that turns into a happy-ever-after is the exception rather than the rule.

You did the right thing by calling him out on it, in my opinion. This is not a matter of trying to control him; when you both decided to be in a relationship, you each chose the other. If you had said that it's going to be an open relationship, different story. However, he told you that Grindr is a thing of the past so that (should have) closed that chapter there and then.

I get that habits are a hard thing to break, so if he's used to being on Grindr for social purposes then it would be an adjustment. That brings me back to my previous point though - he said Grindr is over with.

The silver lining in all of this is that you found out early on what the deal is, and not after having invested more time and emotions into it all. I am sure you will find a better match for yourself.

NvM is right in the sense that it will give you more freedom to come out to your family. That being said, it isn't an easy thing to do either so you need to do it when you're ready.

Looking forward to hearing how this all ends up :)
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Re: Grindr ....

Unread postby Jryski » 1 October 2019, 11:57

Not everyone is the same. I've met up with folks from grindr just to hang out. I met two guys from LA while I was in Chengdu. We went to the zoo to see pandas and sipped some wine at a gay bath house while they checked out naked guys. I was too embarrassed so I kept my head down pretty much the whole time. After that I did some pushups with one of them and we went to a gay club after. Most people are only on there for sex with strangers but not everyone's the same. If you really can't trust him then why put yourself through that? Find someone else that you can trust.
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