!PLEASE HELP! My first boyfriend is overwhelmingly my whole life

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!PLEASE HELP! My first boyfriend is overwhelmingly my whole life

Unread postby Unwise gay » 30 August 2020, 00:36

Scroll down to the bottom for a summary if you don’t wanna read an essay.

So (bi-closeted)me and my (gay-out)boyfriend have been dating for almost a month now and I would say it’s going good until he really started getting way too attached to me. I first saw him in school and he is one of the hottest if not the hottest guy at my school(last week girls lined up to kiss him at a party!) and we finally got introduced by my sister because he was interested in me at a earlier party. He is very sweet and caring, he’s everything I would want in a guy. Thing were going good but we’ve only known each other for about as long as we’ve been dating. So we aren’t very far in a relationship, especially an intimate one..

At two weeks he met my parents and a my grandparents. He told me he loved me at three weeks while we were kissing. I didn’t even know what to say I just said “yeah“ and kissed him. I still don’t know what to say. And he wants to hang constantly to where we’ll make some plans but then I can’t hang with my friends because there always lapping for some reason. What stresses me out too so that my mom and gparents are always asking “do you love him”, “he should meet _____”, “he should come over tn for dinner”. Yet I haven’t had dinner or even a conversation with his parents just hand shakes and small talk.

Whenever we hangout it always cancels my friends plans and I have missed out on a lot worth my friends.

Although I’m still closeted he and my sister have told a lot of people and they have told some people too. It feels like I’m being outed just by being in the relationship and I’m not ready for that at all. Especially coming out while in a homosexual relationship in highschool where everyone thinks I’m straight. I am so anxious all the time thinking about it especially because school just FUCKING STARTED. I’ve cried so many times because of it.

I am practically dating for the first time because being in a relationship with the same sex is so much different, ever since he told he loved me I have liked him less and less. I thought I was straight after he told me that because how turned off and shocked I got from it. But he’s literally perfect yet now I’m losing interest in someone who I should be falling in love with. He’s so sweet, attractive and attracted to me, even worse he’s my sister friend. The only thing I want is to fall in love with him too but this speed freaks me the hell out. I feel like the only way to fix this is out but I don’t want to break his heart and it would make it weird with him and my sister.

Just in conclusion this is my first male relationship as a closeted bisexual and I feel like it shouldn’t be moving at light speed and I don’t want it to. It’s like I have little “control” in this relationship and it’s almost causing me to start losing control of my own life.
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Re: !PLEASE HELP! My first boyfriend is overwhelmingly my whole life

Unread postby PopTart » 30 August 2020, 08:18

Hey Unwise.

Welcome to the forum.

First off, any opinion I express is just that, an opinion. So if I say anything you feel isn't true to the situation or makes you feel uncomfortable, try not to take it too much to heart.

Note: scroll down for the TL:DR

I will say, it does sound like a youthful whirlwind affair, so far. It may simply be, its all moving alot faster than you expected and you need to slow things down alittle and get some space. That said. Settle in for a long read.

Being honest with yourself, what expectations did you have, going in?

Was this, in your mind, perhaps, more a sexual thing than a potential relationship?

It is possible ofcourse, to have feelings and to care about someone, with whom you have a casual sexual relationship, so you don't have to feel bad or question yourself in that regard. But if you went into this, thinking it would be one thing and your bf went into it, thinking it's another, that means you both need to talk to try to understand where your at.

If you were actually interested, in a more involved relationship before, but have begun to feel this way now, could that possibly be, because you are afraid of other peoples reaction to your coming out? More on that later. First, family.

I ask, as your family know and have been quite inquisitive about how you feel about him (and you seem unsure how you feel about him) their asking seems to bother you and if you can understand why, that can help you figure out whats going on. Are you uncomfortable because your family is too involved. Are you uncomfortable, because they are pressing you for an answer, you don't have yet?

It's okay to ask your family to back off a little and give you some space.

It's also okay, to speak to your bf and ask him to slow down just a little bit, that too much is happening at once and you need time to take stock of where your at and whats happening. If you want to keep him it would be wise to reassure him if you do this, that you do like him (if that's true) and that you just need some breathing room, not from him, but from all the pressures coming from outside the relationship.

Back to the coming out thing, you say you are closeted but clearly, your family know your bi, I would normally regard that, as the greatest hurdle to be overcome. They're the people you can be sure are in your life for... well, life! Everyone at school might seem important now, but trust me, that will change.

But you clearly feel some deep anxiety about coming out to your peers at school.

Be honest with yourself, is your fear of the reaction from people at school, making you feel this way. You describe feeling like you have lost control, specifically, that you have no control over coming out and people finding out about your sexuality.

It's fair to have that fear, but its also important, that you recognise that it is fear.

If that's the big problem (I suspect it is) then you have to ask yourself this question. What are you afraid of? Whatever it is your afraid of, is that fear, more important to you, than this guy?

Is it the knowledge that having a genuine relationship with another man, means you will actually have to come out, things will actually change in your life and knowing that, you feel you aren't ready?

You can definately ask this guy to be patient and wait until you are ready, but I suspect that time might not come for quite a while, if your fear is very powerful and has a hold over you in anyway (I'm not saying it does, this is where you have to be honest with yourself, atleast)

If you feel that the issue, isnt that your afraid of coming out to school friends, then it could be this thing is just moving too fast, you have different expectations about what this relationship is. Nothing wrong in that, but be open, honest and communicate.

If the problem is that, your family are too involved and feeling like your under a microscope is the problem, ask your family to maintain a respectful distance and give you some room on the matter, your sister too. Also talk to your bf and try to explain that you need some time with your friends too. Its very sweet that he wants to be with you all the time but its good to have friends and spend time and cultivate those kinds of relationships too.

If the problem is coming out, you have to decide whats more important to you right now. Maintaining your cover or this relationship. If your not ready to come out just yet, there is no shame in that, although your halfway there, I would say why waste time dithering? But its okay if your not ready. But if thats the case, you need to be open and honest with your bf about that. He may not understand, even if you explain it to him and there is the chance he may walk away (he might not ofcourse)

TL:DR So those are your three possibilities as I see it.

Your not ready for a serious relationship, with anyone.

Your feeling suffocated by all the attention from family and your bf and feel like you losing your identity. You need some space to be you.

Your afraid of the consequences of coming out and having an openly gay relationship and that fear is turning you away from someone you otherwise would like.

This could ofcourse, be a little bit of all of the above.
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Re: !PLEASE HELP! My first boyfriend is overwhelmingly my whole life

Unread postby PopTart » 30 August 2020, 08:40

If any of the above doesn't quite feel right, please feel free to offer more details and we can see if we can zero in on the root of the problem.

Things that might be helpful to know:
How did you meet and start dating.
Who are your sister and bf telling and have you spoken to either of them about your feelings about that.
Have your friends had anything to say about your recent lack of contact with them and if they have said anything, how has that made you feel?
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Re: !PLEASE HELP! My first boyfriend is overwhelmingly my whole life

Unread postby Edt2001 » 31 August 2020, 12:56

If you would like someone to chat to I can give you my Snapchat or Instagram. I always find knowing who I’m talking to helps me more. I’m 18 and live in England and am having a similar problem as I’m kinda in my first relationship with a guy to (I’m closeted bi curious)
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