Hookup Culture Confusion

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Hookup Culture Confusion

Unread postby Gaygoddess » 21 May 2020, 02:55

Not really sure if this should go in the Relationship Forum or the Sex & Sexuality Forum, but I just really need some kind of advice or maybe I just need to know someone understands how I'm feeling. I'm 23, but I kind of feel like I'm keeping myself from having the sexual experiences I so desperately desire. I'm not sure why I do this to myself? If I want the experiences so badly the simple solution would be to go out and get them. I act on my urges whenever I'm bored, but to the point that it's impossible for me to ignore. It goes something like me getting on my phone, opening the Grindr app, and bam. I find someone and get it out of my system. But for some reason, I feel inadequate if I don't do this enough? I haven't had sex with anyone new since December and it was just a one time thing. Before that, I fucked another guy in April which ended up being another one time thing. I've been trying to keep the same guys on rotation because I'm afraid of STD's but maybe I'm just being too anal, letting fear get in the way of living my best life? Besides, I haven't been seeing the same guys as often as I would like because we all have different schedules and we're unfortunately in the mood at very different times. Which leaves me with the only option of finding new people to fuck.. I don't really like Grindr anyway but its convenience makes it hard to permanently get rid of.

What's even weirder is that I can listen to my friends talk about their most recent escapades, dirty details & more, but I went on instagram today and saw a story of one of my ex-best friend's, post sex in the shower, and immediately felt triggered. It brought on all of these thoughts and questions: What am I doing?; Am I not doing enough?; How does he do it so unabashedly?; What's wrong with me?; I need to get out of my comfort zone; How do I do it?; the list goes on! What I really don't understand is why viewing just his story alone made me feel all of these things? When my other friends do something similar I don't seem to care at all, I'm not comparing myself because I recognize our differences, so why do I struggle so much with him? I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to begin with but this was such a natural response. It just happened and I have no clue why he elicits such a strong emotional response from me. Is it jealousy? Is it desire? Do I desire him? The lifestyle?

I'm starting to think that I have to stop being this uptight so that I can explore, learn, and fulfill my desires. I just don't know what meaning I'm supposed to assign to all of this confusion.
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Re: Hookup Culture Confusion

Unread postby Choicespecs » 21 May 2020, 10:21

I can really relate to this.

I never enjoyed hook-up culture. When I was 18-20, was probably the sluttiest I've ever been in my life (Not as much as some people I know, but I did do my duty). People thought I was living a great life. My life revolved around sex . I guess I felt I was making up for 'lost time'. But like you, never felt whole. Even though I felt horrible doing it I went along to those hook ups. I thought I had too. I thought it was expected of me. I wanted people, especially gay men to like me. Looking back, I regret some of what I've done and who I let touch me. It was not worth it. But, I can't change it.

Hookup culture is weird to me. I don't have the right mentality for hookups. I am a sensitive person and every interaction ate at my soul and energy. I never walked away feeling great. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person for not fulfilling this part of gay culture. It means that this part is not for me, and I'm okay with that. I was a bad person because I let people do things to me when I consented physically but not emotionally. I was a bad person to myself. But we live, learn and forgive ourselves.

At 20ish, my close friends talked to me and could see I was decaying before them. I put so much emotions into the whirlwind hook ups I was drained. I eventually found it in myself to stop. I deleted Grindr, stopped sleeping with people who just looked at me and never looked back. It took a long time and I realized ( for me anyway) hooking up was a mixture of punishment and escape. Punishment because I felt unlovable and thought I would never have a loving relationship; Escape, because I didn't want to deal with the loneliness.

I think you have to know what you wants and needs are. Maybe you're just not a person for hook-ups. I'm not. It nearly destroyed me. Its not about comfort zones. You say there is something wrong with you because you aren't hooking-up enough? Maybe you should listen to your what your body is trying to tell you. Try thinking what you need from a relationship and sexual intimacy.

"Body counts" and gloating about sex is just narcissism. Looking for validation on their appeal. If they were really happy they wouldn't go around shoving it in your face about how much sex they are getting. Sharing sexual experiences is liberating and fun, and I do think the taboo on that should be removed. But highlighting how many people constantly want you is shallow.

In terms of your friend, there might still be unresolved emotions that you are habouring. Perhaps you miss him or like him? You say he is your ex-best friends. So clearly something has happened that has sparked a jealous rage. But ask yourself; Do you really want to share an Instagram selfie of every man you have in your bed, so you friends can clap and DM you going "YASSSS HENNNY!"?
What would that validation do for you? Would it make you feel sexy and loved? Make you feel superior over others who aren't getting it?

I really hope you do make sense of your confusion. It can be frustrating to think one thing and feel another. But don't ignore what your body is trying to tell you. Is the juice really worth squeezing from that fruit?
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