How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

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How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby OhHeyItsZach » 18 February 2020, 00:06

I’m not planning on coming out just yet but I have worries for the future when I do. I have heard my parents’ opinions about LGBT before, I know they don’t accept it and that they will think something is wrong with me. How do I get around this? The thought of coming out to them terrifies me... I’m not sure that I can.
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby Derek » 18 February 2020, 00:20

If there's a chance that they'll eventually come around, then it's better to do it sooner than later. Think of it like ripping off a band-aid. But if you still depend on them financially, it might be wiser to wait until you can handle being on your own.
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby OhHeyItsZach » 18 February 2020, 00:24

Derek wrote:If there's a chance that they'll eventually come around, then it's better to do it sooner than later. Think of it like ripping off a band-aid. But if you still depend on them financially, it might be wiser to wait until you can handle being on your own.


I don't know if they will or not but by the way the talk about LGBT people I doubt it. I don't totally depend on them financially as I do live on my own, but borrow money evey now and agin if needed between paychecks which I do pay back,so I shouldn't have to wait to tell them.
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby PopTart » 18 February 2020, 05:44

Tl;dr it could go horribly, but even if it does, that doesnt mean your relationship with your parents is broken forever. It's a risk, you take a chance, but it might work out for the best and either way it goes, I believe it's better to live life on your own terms.

In detail,
Sometimes, you might be surprised.

It's entirely possible that the things your parents say, may not be deep rooted beliefs or opinions, but surface thoughts, mild opinions, that come more from what their parents or social peers might say on the matter, lacking any real world, personal experience with honest to god, real gay people. I lost count of the number of family and even friends who would say derogatory things about gay people while I was growing up, never realising one was in their midst, who later, pretty much had no genuine problem with it, instead just parotting, things they had heard others say before them.

I emphasize the *may* in this situation. Only you can gauge for certain, their temperament on the matter. And only you can decide what is more important to you, being out and open with them or living more with a secret part of your life and knowing they are there for you. Personally, I think it better to be honest and face upto the challenge sooner rather that later. Putting off something that, to live fully as a self accepting gay person, you will inevitably have to do anyway, is just prolonging the inevitable. If it goes horribly at first, all the better to start working on the problem sooner, rather than later, it may be hard, whenever you do it, but living a secret or double life is hard and that shit's forever.

It doesnt have to be an either/or situation. There is the possibility of having both open, honesty and keeping a good relationship with your parents. It might take some work to get there, if they genuinely dont understand your sexuality in the beginning.

Just remember, that even an initial negative reaction, can with time and effort, turn around into acceptance and understanding.

How much hardship can you face right now and how much work are you willing to put into helping them understand and accept?
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby mxguy01 » 18 February 2020, 17:56

OhHeyItsZach wrote:
Derek wrote:If there's a chance that they'll eventually come around, then it's better to do it sooner than later. Think of it like ripping off a band-aid. But if you still depend on them financially, it might be wiser to wait until you can handle being on your own.


I don't know if they will or not but by the way the talk about LGBT people I doubt it. I don't totally depend on them financially as I do live on my own, but borrow money evey now and agin if needed between paychecks which I do pay back,so I shouldn't have to wait to tell them.


Well stop borrowing from them as soon as time permits.

Since you're not dependent on them - tell them, but for you, if that's what you want. If you're not doing it for you, who are you doing it for... This is an area it is more than just ok to be selfish. Tell them or not, do it for yourself.

I somewhat regret I never told my parents for they never really knew who I was. Then again, I don't regret it because they chose not to see me... Honestly in this day and age, admittedly depending upon where you live in this world, I'd think I would tell them. But I'm not you and I'd repeat again, make that choice with you only as the consideration on that one.
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby OhHeyItsZach » 18 February 2020, 20:12

Thanks for the advice everyone, you have given me alot to think about.
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 19 April 2020, 00:57

I think parents deserve to know that. So eventually, you may have to tell. My parents are like yours, and I haven’t tell them. But I am preparing for the result/consequences that they don’t accept. And even if it went very unpleasant, families shouldn’t go totally apart.
Parents raised you, they will need someone to look after them when they’re old after all.
These are my opinions. Hope they can be helpful.
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby Choicespecs » 19 April 2020, 15:14

I say wait until you're secure and moved out. Just incase it goes badly, you aren't trapped there and can retreat to a safer place.

But if youre already moved out. Just be open and honest. It sucks.. As a gay person, youre constantly going to have to be faced with "coming out". It gets easier in a lot of ways, but harder in others.
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby René » 19 April 2020, 16:05

Choicespecs wrote:It sucks.. As a gay person, youre constantly going to have to be faced with "coming out". It gets easier in a lot of ways, but harder in others.

I've never experienced this at all, to be honest. I came out as gay once to my family, and that was it.

I have a huge family (but conveniently the news spread so I still only had to do it once) and apart from them, almost all my friends are gay/bi.

Typically when meeting people like new acquaintances, it's much more matter-of-fact than a whole "coming out" thing... it's more like "And this handsome fellow is my husband, Brenden."
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby Choicespecs » 20 April 2020, 09:15

René wrote:I've never experienced this at all, to be honest. I came out as gay once to my family, and that was it.

I have a huge family (but conveniently the news spread so I still only had to do it once) and apart from them, almost all my friends are gay/bi.

Typically when meeting people like new acquaintances, it's much more matter-of-fact than a whole "coming out" thing... it's more like "And this handsome fellow is my husband, Brenden."


Oh, maybe it is more of a personal issue then. I always feel the kinda "How are they gonna react" thoughts when meeting new people.

Even though I am in a liberal area. I don't actually hangout with many LGBT people my age. Not by choice, just many of them either don't like me or have been too weird. I don't really smoke, drink or do drugs, which is what a lot of them do. I've got a lot of older friends. But barely any my age who are gay. Most of my immediate friends are straight. I am that token gay guy, which could be a part of the problem :(

(sorry for hijacking your thread Zach!)
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby Brenden » 20 April 2020, 12:28

Choicespecs wrote:
René wrote:I've never experienced this at all, to be honest. I came out as gay once to my family, and that was it.

I have a huge family (but conveniently the news spread so I still only had to do it once) and apart from them, almost all my friends are gay/bi.

Typically when meeting people like new acquaintances, it's much more matter-of-fact than a whole "coming out" thing... it's more like "And this handsome fellow is my husband, Brenden."


Oh, maybe it is more of a personal issue then. I always feel the kinda "How are they gonna react" thoughts when meeting new people.

Even though I am in a liberal area. I don't actually hangout with many LGBT people my age. Not by choice, just many of them either don't like me or have been too weird. I don't really smoke, drink or do drugs, which is what a lot of them do. I've got a lot of older friends. But barely any my age who are gay. Most of my immediate friends are straight. I am that token gay guy, which could be a part of the problem :(

Even when we lived in a "rough" Northern town, I never once felt worried or awkward about telling people I'm married to a man or introducing René as my husband or anything. Every single stranger we've told in the UK has been just completely cool with it or very happy for us.
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby René » 20 April 2020, 12:56

Brenden wrote:
Choicespecs wrote:
René wrote:I've never experienced this at all, to be honest. I came out as gay once to my family, and that was it.

I have a huge family (but conveniently the news spread so I still only had to do it once) and apart from them, almost all my friends are gay/bi.

Typically when meeting people like new acquaintances, it's much more matter-of-fact than a whole "coming out" thing... it's more like "And this handsome fellow is my husband, Brenden."


Oh, maybe it is more of a personal issue then. I always feel the kinda "How are they gonna react" thoughts when meeting new people.

Even though I am in a liberal area. I don't actually hangout with many LGBT people my age. Not by choice, just many of them either don't like me or have been too weird. I don't really smoke, drink or do drugs, which is what a lot of them do. I've got a lot of older friends. But barely any my age who are gay. Most of my immediate friends are straight. I am that token gay guy, which could be a part of the problem :(

Even when we lived in a "rough" Northern town, I never once felt worried or awkward about telling people I'm married to a man or introducing René as my husband or anything. Every single stranger we've told in the UK has been just completely cool with it or very happy for us.

The last one actually replied to me saying I lived here with my husband with "Oh, I see, that's cool! I am also that way inclined. Actually, so is my friend James who lives there *points to our next-door neighbour's apartment door*. :P

He was pretty cute actually. One of those Polish people who totally pick up the local accent so you can't tell they're not originally Scottish until they mention they also speak Polish. And when he heard my name was René, he immediately asked if I was French and switched to speaking in excellent-sounding French :lol:

I had let him into the building (at 5:45am actually :lol:) because he wanted to check on this friend whom he was very worried about, which I could relate to based on recent experience. I gave him a hug when he was done checking on his friend :3 (kinda forgot about social distancing, but it's okay because I'm almost certainly immune to the virus at this point anyway).
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby Choicespecs » 21 April 2020, 09:58

René wrote:
Brenden wrote:
Choicespecs wrote:
René wrote:I've never experienced this at all, to be honest. I came out as gay once to my family, and that was it.

I have a huge family (but conveniently the news spread so I still only had to do it once) and apart from them, almost all my friends are gay/bi.

Typically when meeting people like new acquaintances, it's much more matter-of-fact than a whole "coming out" thing... it's more like "And this handsome fellow is my husband, Brenden."


Oh, maybe it is more of a personal issue then. I always feel the kinda "How are they gonna react" thoughts when meeting new people.

Even though I am in a liberal area. I don't actually hangout with many LGBT people my age. Not by choice, just many of them either don't like me or have been too weird. I don't really smoke, drink or do drugs, which is what a lot of them do. I've got a lot of older friends. But barely any my age who are gay. Most of my immediate friends are straight. I am that token gay guy, which could be a part of the problem :(

Even when we lived in a "rough" Northern town, I never once felt worried or awkward about telling people I'm married to a man or introducing René as my husband or anything. Every single stranger we've told in the UK has been just completely cool with it or very happy for us.

The last one actually replied to me saying I lived here with my husband with "Oh, I see, that's cool! I am also that way inclined. Actually, so is my friend James who lives there *points to our next-door neighbour's apartment door*. :P

He was pretty cute actually. One of those Polish people who totally pick up the local accent so you can't tell they're not originally Scottish until they mention they also speak Polish. And when he heard my name was René, he immediately asked if I was French and switched to speaking in excellent-sounding French :lol:

I had let him into the building (at 5:45am actually :lol:) because he wanted to check on this friend whom he was very worried about, which I could relate to based on recent experience. I gave him a hug when he was done checking on his friend :3 (kinda forgot about social distancing, but it's okay because I'm almost certainly immune to the virus at this point anyway).


That is really warming to hear. I'm glad that times are more open!

Are there many gay people in Scotland?
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby theone » 21 April 2020, 17:27

I totally get where you're coming from. I had parents who made comments, which made me believe that they were totally against it. Eventually, I couldn't stand it any longer and told them, regardless of the outcome. Turns out that they were very supportive. My coming out changed their views on LGBT issues. In fact, my dad apologized to me for the comments that he had made.

I know that doesn't help much, but I say all that to show that you may be pleasantly surprised with the reaction you actually get. I know I was.

Wishing you the best of luck!
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Re: How do I come out to parents who I know won’t accept me?

Unread postby René » 21 April 2020, 19:27

Choicespecs wrote:
René wrote:
Brenden wrote:
Choicespecs wrote:
René wrote:I've never experienced this at all, to be honest. I came out as gay once to my family, and that was it.

I have a huge family (but conveniently the news spread so I still only had to do it once) and apart from them, almost all my friends are gay/bi.

Typically when meeting people like new acquaintances, it's much more matter-of-fact than a whole "coming out" thing... it's more like "And this handsome fellow is my husband, Brenden."


Oh, maybe it is more of a personal issue then. I always feel the kinda "How are they gonna react" thoughts when meeting new people.

Even though I am in a liberal area. I don't actually hangout with many LGBT people my age. Not by choice, just many of them either don't like me or have been too weird. I don't really smoke, drink or do drugs, which is what a lot of them do. I've got a lot of older friends. But barely any my age who are gay. Most of my immediate friends are straight. I am that token gay guy, which could be a part of the problem :(

Even when we lived in a "rough" Northern town, I never once felt worried or awkward about telling people I'm married to a man or introducing René as my husband or anything. Every single stranger we've told in the UK has been just completely cool with it or very happy for us.

The last one actually replied to me saying I lived here with my husband with "Oh, I see, that's cool! I am also that way inclined. Actually, so is my friend James who lives there *points to our next-door neighbour's apartment door*. :P

He was pretty cute actually. One of those Polish people who totally pick up the local accent so you can't tell they're not originally Scottish until they mention they also speak Polish. And when he heard my name was René, he immediately asked if I was French and switched to speaking in excellent-sounding French :lol:

I had let him into the building (at 5:45am actually :lol:) because he wanted to check on this friend whom he was very worried about, which I could relate to based on recent experience. I gave him a hug when he was done checking on his friend :3 (kinda forgot about social distancing, but it's okay because I'm almost certainly immune to the virus at this point anyway).


That is really warming to hear. I'm glad that times are more open!

Are there many gay people in Scotland?

By the best available estimate, 2.6% of the Scottish population is LGB I believe. It's pretty cool that such a small minority has gained such widespread acceptance :keke:
Everyone here has been just wonderful. The natives are a very welcoming people in general as well.

But the real test for me will come when I eventually start introducing people to my two boyfriends, or my husband and my boyfriend, or my two husbands. That's an even smaller minority :lol:
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