How to move on after this date...

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How to move on after this date...

Unread postby mppc19 » 8 December 2021, 00:30

Hi all, I'm new to the forum!

Sorry for this long ass post, but I feel like all the details will help and I'm trying to sort through this situation...

I went on this date about a month ago with this lovely guy. I don't really put any expectations on dates. It keeps the pressure off and I think I'm more myself when I go in with an open mind without hoping anything in particular will happen. So I picked this guy up, we went out for a few drinks, and really started to hit it off. About 20 minutes into sitting at this bar, he started to rub my arm and said "I'm sorry, you're just really cute." I put my hand on his knee and said "It's okay, you're so cute too." The conversation was great and we were clearly both really enjoying ourselves and were into each other.

We left to go to a bar closer to his place, had one drink and he invited me back to his apartment. We picked up some wine and went back. Once we got there, we took his dog outside and he kissed me. After going back upstairs we kissed a little bit more and eventually sat down and started a movie. We made out a little and he cuddled up on me. We both eventually fell asleep, him with his head in my lap. He woke me up around 4 in the morning and said "Let's go to bed". We went to his bed and he immediately cuddled up right onto me. Like, he was GLUED to me. We laid there for a few minutes and eventually started making out pretty hot and heavy. We didn't have sex, but we slept together in our underwear and felt each other up quite a bit. Throughout the night, we'd wake up occasionally and we made out every time this happened. He'd keep putting my hand on his butt and we seriously cuddled the entire time we were in his bed. The next morning, he asked me to come with to take his dog for a walk. We got coffee and hung at his place on the couch for a bit, him laying on me again. When we finally agreed it was time to move on with the day, we kissed goodbye and of course ended up making out for another 5-10 minutes before I actually left. He said "Please let's hang out again" and I said yes. I left feeling really great about that night.

I texted him a few days later saying what a great time I had and would love to do it again. He said he wanted to go out again also. We agreed we'd try to figure out a time to get together in the next couple weeks as he was traveling a bit. It seemed like we were finally honing in on a time to get together. He suggested we go out to a bar near his place during the upcoming week. I texted him that week and when he texted back he said he had a really great time getting to know me and that he thought we would be "better off" as friends. I asked what changed and he said "I'm still hung up on some guy to be honest". I told him I could understand that. I said situations like that are always hard and that I was open to friends too, if he really wanted to be friends. He told me he really did want to be friends and said "I don't have time to waste on people I don't like". I told him I would be happy to go out again sometime and continue to get to know him with whatever boundaries he felt he needed. We've continued to talk the last couple weeks over text about how our Thanksgivings were, what we've been up to, music, etc.

I'm pretty confused because it seemed like we were on the same page, especially since he was the one making all the moves on me (at least at first). I talked to a couple of my good gay friends about the situation and one of them said he thought it sounded like it was going well and when I said "You do?" he told me "This guy is communicating that he's interested." There's a part of me that thinks that, but I'm not sure, and I don't know how to move forward with getting to know him after a date like that, but I do want to get to know him more, and I'm happy to do it as friends. I've gone on other dates with guys who I've ended up friends with, but they just seemed to naturally turn into friendships. There seemed to be much more chemistry in this instance. I'd like to hang out with him again, but is it too soon to ask him to hang out as friends? How do I even do that? I don't plan on sitting around waiting for him to decide if he wants to go on another date sometime down the road, but he seems like a really good, genuine guy and I'm happy to continue getting to know him. And I would go on another date if he wanted to and I wasn't seeing anyone. I'm just confused about this situation, especially with how quickly it seemed to change. It really seemed like we were both so into each other. I'd love to hear some thoughts/advice! Sorry again for this long post!
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Re: How to move on after this date...

Unread postby pozzie » 8 December 2021, 09:30

Welcome to the Forum!

Think you have to take him at his word - he's still carrying a torch and you don't have insight to the details or timing of events. Let's just see how things might have played out: a month before you two first made contact, the ex said, "I've met someone new and ..." so after your guy digested that, he decided it was time to date again. You guys had a good date - emotions were expressed honestly - if you really doubt this sentence, then you need to move on but doesn't really read like that. After you kissed goodbye but before you set up a next date, your friend learned something about the guy for whom he carries the torch and something changed. Maybe the other guy's new romance hit the skids but they're not quite sure and your guy's thinking there might be a chance again. Who knows. Or maybe the ex is just stringing him along some way. These are just wild guesses, but hopefully they illustrate a possible chain of events whereby your new friend isn't really willing to explore anything more right now.

Don't believe a good friendship precludes a possible future relationship so suggest putting your hopes - and that's all they are until something actually happens or doesn't - on hold and getting to know this guy as a friend. Hang out, do whatever you guys enjoy doing, just respect his boundaries and don't make any moves on him. See how things go and make a decision about where to next. If he wants to fool around and you're game, it's entirely your choice what to do - just pay attention to what your gut is telling you.

One possible outcome is he'll begin to trust you and might share more about what's been going on in his life recently. Another outcome might be a change in interest - hot first dates that seem really promising aren't a guarantee: many a second date has failed to live up to the expectations created by the first. So dialing back the hopes and getting to know this guy without expectations might not be a terrible thing in the long run. Either way, I do hope you get to enjoy his company again in the future.
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Re: How to move on after this date...

Unread postby René » 8 December 2021, 10:34

*hugs*

That sucks... so much. From your early interactions, this guy sounds a lot like me, but I certainly wouldn't have a date and get so intimate if I wasn't at least open to it leading to a relationship... (at the very least not without clearing it up first if I wasn't.)

I also can't imagine friend-zoning a guy after an experience together like you described. Like... you can take things slowly, you don't need to be instant boyfriends or call it anything, but you can at least be open to whatever happens, you know?

Maybe he didn't mean to, but I feel like he basically led you on.

Maybe he's scared of how he feels about you, though. Who knows? It certainly sounds like you guys had a connection.

I'll be very interested to hear how your story develops.

I really do hope things work out between the two of you one way or another. :hug:
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Re: How to move on after this date...

Unread postby mppc19 » 9 December 2021, 02:03

pozzie wrote:Welcome to the Forum!

Think you have to take him at his word - he's still carrying a torch and you don't have insight to the details or timing of events. Let's just see how things might have played out: a month before you two first made contact, the ex said, "I've met someone new and ..." so after your guy digested that, he decided it was time to date again. You guys had a good date - emotions were expressed honestly - if you really doubt this sentence, then you need to move on but doesn't really read like that. After you kissed goodbye but before you set up a next date, your friend learned something about the guy for whom he carries the torch and something changed. Maybe the other guy's new romance hit the skids but they're not quite sure and your guy's thinking there might be a chance again. Who knows. Or maybe the ex is just stringing him along some way. These are just wild guesses, but hopefully they illustrate a possible chain of events whereby your new friend isn't really willing to explore anything more right now.

Don't believe a good friendship precludes a possible future relationship so suggest putting your hopes - and that's all they are until something actually happens or doesn't - on hold and getting to know this guy as a friend. Hang out, do whatever you guys enjoy doing, just respect his boundaries and don't make any moves on him. See how things go and make a decision about where to next. If he wants to fool around and you're game, it's entirely your choice what to do - just pay attention to what your gut is telling you.

One possible outcome is he'll begin to trust you and might share more about what's been going on in his life recently. Another outcome might be a change in interest - hot first dates that seem really promising aren't a guarantee: many a second date has failed to live up to the expectations created by the first. So dialing back the hopes and getting to know this guy without expectations might not be a terrible thing in the long run. Either way, I do hope you get to enjoy his company again in the future.


Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply and the warm welcome. This is basically how I'm trying to move forward with the situation. I'm not putting any expectations on it, and he genuinely seems to want to be friends, at least. I gave him an out by saying " I feel like this is something people just say" but he didn't take the out and basically confirmed his intent to keep getting to know me. He's not the best texter, which has been the case since we initially started talking even before the date, so I would like to hang out again with no pressure or expectations. I'd like to ask him to, but I don't know if it's too soon. It's been about a month since our date and a little more than 2 weeks since he said we should be friends. We've had some really similar life experiences and I think are partly the basis for the connection that seemed to have been made.
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Re: How to move on after this date...

Unread postby mppc19 » 9 December 2021, 02:13

René wrote:*hugs*

That sucks... so much. From your early interactions, this guy sounds a lot like me, but I certainly wouldn't have a date and get so intimate if I wasn't at least open to it leading to a relationship... (at the very least not without clearing it up first if I wasn't.)

I also can't imagine friend-zoning a guy after an experience together like you described. Like... you can take things slowly, you don't need to be instant boyfriends or call it anything, but you can at least be open to whatever happens, you know?

Maybe he didn't mean to, but I feel like he basically led you on.

Maybe he's scared of how he feels about you, though. Who knows? It certainly sounds like you guys had a connection.

I'll be very interested to hear how your story develops.

I really do hope things work out between the two of you one way or another. :hug:


Thanks so much for your reply. I don't think he was leading me on, but I can certainly see how it might read that way. He ~seems~ like a pretty genuine, honest and decent guy. He made it clear when we first started talking that he was looking for a relationship, but - knowing what little I know now - it seems like maybe he was jumping into that possibility too soon. I had a thought he might be scared of how well it went, especially if he's trying to (unsuccessfully) get over someone, and my friend and I considered this possibility when we talked about it. The most confusing part of it all was that he really made all the moves, and I wasn't expecting anything to happen other than have a nice night out with someone. Of course after how well it went, I'm probably thinking way more about this than he is. Lol. I'd hope we could maybe get to know one another enough that he'd be willing to tell me what exactly changed or how it changed, but we haven't gotten to any of that yet, and I'm not sure if we will.
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Re: How to move on after this date...

Unread postby pozzie » 9 December 2021, 07:32

mppc19 wrote:I'd like to ask him to, but I don't know if it's too soon. It's been about a month since our date and a little more than 2 weeks since he said we should be friends. We've had some really similar life experiences and I think are partly the basis for the connection that seemed to have been made.


trust your intuition on the timing - wait 'til you know it's the right time to go forward
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Re: How to move on after this date...

Unread postby mppc19 » 10 December 2021, 01:38

pozzie wrote:
mppc19 wrote:I'd like to ask him to, but I don't know if it's too soon. It's been about a month since our date and a little more than 2 weeks since he said we should be friends. We've had some really similar life experiences and I think are partly the basis for the connection that seemed to have been made.


trust your intuition on the timing - wait 'til you know it's the right time to go forward


It can be pretty tough for me to trust it. I feel like I'm already overthinking it haha.
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Re: How to move on after this date...

Unread postby pozzie » 10 December 2021, 02:11

mppc19 wrote:
pozzie wrote:
mppc19 wrote:I'd like to ask him to, but I don't know if it's too soon. It's been about a month since our date and a little more than 2 weeks since he said we should be friends. We've had some really similar life experiences and I think are partly the basis for the connection that seemed to have been made.


trust your intuition on the timing - wait 'til you know it's the right time to go forward


It can be pretty tough for me to trust it. I feel like I'm already overthinking it haha.


If that's how you're feeling - overthinking it - then you're probably right. It's important to learn to listen to one's gut. ;)
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Re: How to move on after this date...

Unread postby René » 13 December 2021, 19:04

How are things going? :)

I would think a few weeks would be enough, but then, I guess it's quite different from any situation I've ever been in.
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Re: How to move on after this date...

Unread postby mppc19 » 14 December 2021, 01:54

René wrote:How are things going? :)

I would think a few weeks would be enough, but then, I guess it's quite different from any situation I've ever been in.


Just chit chatting a bit. I'm trying to let some of the physical attraction fade before I try to hang out with him again. My gut says that whoever he's hung up on is in the picture at the moment. But he keeps watching my insta stories and liking the pics I post so it's still a little confusing. I like this guy, but I'm not chasing him either. So I think it's best to wait just a bit longer until we both have our heads on straight.
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