I don’t know what to do.....

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I don’t know what to do.....

Unread postby Aj » 26 September 2020, 15:18

Background:
So about 2 months ago I met a very cute guy online. He’s 18, I am 33. Things became intimate quickly and we had a lot of fun in the bedroom. We started hanging out almost everyday, and it felt like we had already known each other for a long time. Despite our age gap, we share some common interests and enjoy doing those things together. I even enjoyed helping him with his university homework. Everything seemed to be going great.

Conflict:
About a week ago we decided to spend the weekend together. He lives with his parents still so we thought it would be fun for him to stay with me for a weekend. I was really looking forward to it. But then, the night he was supposed to come over, he told me he was running late. Then, he never showed. I was pretty bummed and asked him what happened.

He explained to me that he isn’t out to his family yet and that he didn’t want to tell them where he was going. I completely understood and I told him that was fine. However, he also said that he didn’t think a romantic relationship would work between us because he was worried about what my family would think about our age difference. I told him that I don’t make decisions about my happiness for my family, I make decisions about my happiness for myself. I told him not to worry about that.

At this point, I felt everything had fallen apart and I am pretty bummed. I actually have feelings for him and it hurt to hear that he suddenly didn’t think things could work out because he was still in the closet and his worries about our age gap.

Then, yesterday he calls me and asks me for some help with some of his homework. I don’t mind helping because I hold a masters degree in the field of study for that particular class, so I am a perfect tutor, unfortunately. Because of that, he now wants to pay me to tutor him.

What now:
This is where I’m conflicted. He wants to go from dating me, to paying me to tutor him. I don’t want that. I would feel bad taking his money anyways, I definitely don’t need the money. I just genuinely wanted to help him as a partner. I don’t want our relationship to become some business transaction.

Do I just end it all and tell him no? Or do I say yes and suffer through having to see him knowing he doesn’t want the same thing I do...?

Help...
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Re: I don’t know what to do.....

Unread postby René » 26 September 2020, 15:45

Have you seen him in person at all since everything stopped being awesome?

If not, maybe you just need to get in the same room again and you can figure it out together. Tell him you're gonna have to decline because you actually really like him and it would hurt to see you in that context. But you'd gladly do it for free and you were really enjoying that and hanging out with him anyway. If he's worried about his parents, he could tell them he's paying for tutoring... or if they go through his stuff and would find a lack of disappeared money, maybe actually take the money but on the understanding it'll make its way back to him later as you don't want payment? Just so his parents don't notice anything odd?

(You don't know that he doesn't want the same thing you do. Maybe he actually wants to be with you but he just needs a way to make it happen without his parents getting suspicious that anything unusual is going on, and he can only picture that happening if there's money changing hands?)

Anyway, I guess this is the sort of problem you can get with age gaps like this... not necessarily insurmountable of course, but it's a complicating factor.

I don't know if there's anything helpful in there, but those are my immediate thoughts.

Good luck! Let us know what happens!! :hug:
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Re: I don’t know what to do.....

Unread postby Aj » 26 September 2020, 16:49

See below
Last edited by Aj on 26 September 2020, 16:51, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I don’t know what to do.....

Unread postby Aj » 26 September 2020, 16:50

René wrote:Have you seen him in person at all since everything stopped being awesome?

If not, maybe you just need to get in the same room again and you can figure it out together. Tell him you're gonna have to decline because you actually really like him and it would hurt to see you in that context. But you'd gladly do it for free and you were really enjoying that and hanging out with him anyway. If he's worried about his parents, he could tell them he's paying for tutoring... or if they go through his stuff and would find a lack of disappeared money, maybe actually take the money but on the understanding it'll make its way back to him later as you don't want payment? Just so his parents don't notice anything odd?

(You don't know that he doesn't want the same thing you do. Maybe he actually wants to be with you but he just needs a way to make it happen without his parents getting suspicious that anything unusual is going on, and he can only picture that happening if there's money changing hands?)

Anyway, I guess this is the sort of problem you can get with age gaps like this... not necessarily insurmountable of course, but it's a complicating factor.

I don't know if there's anything helpful in there, but those are my immediate thoughts.

Good luck! Let us know what happens!! :hug:


Hi Rene,

Yeah he has come over twice after our conversation about the relationship. Both times were just so I could tutor him on homework and I didn't bring up the conversation about our relationship because I did not want to make it uncomfortable while we were trying to work on homework.

As for the money, he does have a job and it doesn't seem as though his parents are involved in his finances so I am not sure if they would notice what he spends money on, BUT you could be right I don't know. I will keep that in mind.

You are right, I don't KNOW that he doesn't want a relationship, but I have a feeling he has made an effort to end ours because of his fear of coming out. I totally understand because we were all in that situation at some point and some still are. I would never force anyone out, and I think that maybe he feels if we were together somehow that would happen. I've made it very clear that he would make the decision on when to come out, not me.

Yeah I knew the age gap was going to be an issue in some way. I am generally attracted to guys younger than me, but he is definitely the youngest one I have dated. He is more mature than most guys my age though and that's what really drew me to him, besides his handsome face of course :).

Anyways, he is supposed to come over again tonight to finish some homework, so hopefully we can talk things through a little more tonight. Wish me luck!

Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it
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Re: I don’t know what to do.....

Unread postby Jzone » 26 September 2020, 18:05

Aj wrote:Do I just end it all and tell him no? Or do I say yes and suffer through having to see him knowing he doesn’t want the same thing I do...?


These are not your only choices. I would not tutor him for money, that could lead to resentment or hard feelings later. With other interests in common, I don't know why you can't simply remain friends — and maybe friends with benefits. He could come around in time to wanting more of a romantic relationship with you and deciding to come out so it can happen. You can't count on that, of course, but it's nice to dream. If you think a friendship would be too frustrating for you, then ending things might be the best choice. I would avoid a prolonged closeted relationship, since when his family eventually finds out they may be angry with you because of the age difference.

Good luck—
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Re: I don’t know what to do.....

Unread postby Aj » 26 September 2020, 20:24

Jzone wrote:
Aj wrote:Do I just end it all and tell him no? Or do I say yes and suffer through having to see him knowing he doesn’t want the same thing I do...?


These are not your only choices. I would not tutor him for money, that could lead to resentment or hard feelings later. With other interests in common, I don't know why you can't simply remain friends — and maybe friends with benefits. He could come around in time to wanting more of a romantic relationship with you and deciding to come out so it can happen. You can't count on that, of course, but it's nice to dream. If you think a friendship would be too frustrating for you, then ending things might be the best choice. I would avoid a prolonged closeted relationship, since when his family eventually finds out they may be angry with you because of the age difference.

Good luck—



Yeah you’re right, I think I am just getting frustrated, but I should have more patience. That’s definitely something I need to work on.

I definitely won’t be taking money, but I will continue to help him and be friends for now I guess. Hopefully he comes around to wanting more again. :)

Thanks
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Re: I don’t know what to do.....

Unread postby Eryx » 28 September 2020, 22:52

Who knows, maybe with time simply passing and you meeting him and getting to know him better, there might be a different context in the future that allows for you two to get closer again. Or maybe that time will be useful to find out that he isn't exactly who you should end up with, freeing you up to fall in love with someone else.
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Re: I don’t know what to do.....

Unread postby Jryski » 30 September 2020, 05:57

Personally, I would stop contacting him and wait for him to reach out to me. I don’t have time for hogwash especially with all the things I’m doing in my life. If the other person thinks I’m special enough, they’d make an effort. If I find them worth it, I’d do the same.
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Re: I don’t know what to do.....

Unread postby edj » 23 October 2020, 04:54

Aj wrote:Do I just end it all and tell him no? Or do I say yes and suffer through having to see him knowing he doesn’t want the same thing I do...?

I had no idea what I wanted when I was 18, did you? My husband and I had an 18-year age difference (he the elder), and I was with him for 28 years. I met him when I was 24, so a bit older, rather naïve in many ways, especially about sexuality, but also perhaps ahead of my age when it came to introspection. I also initially had tremendous difficulty coming out to my mom after I'd been with him for several years. At first she kept wanting it to be "a phase," but she eventually thanked me for including her in my life with him. I think she realized in the end that I was genuinely happy with this man, and that is all that mattered. What kept us going was that we each wore our hearts on our sleeves about our fondness for each other and how committed we were. It may be corny, but I made a point of saying "I love you" for no particular reason, but unequivocally, whenever I felt like it, which was often several times a day. I felt that it was necessary to reinforce the feeling with rational expression, and not just trust that the other "understood". That saw us through a lot of turmoil. He died last year, and that is a possible, if not probable, consequence of such an age difference, and I saw it coming. But he enriched my life so much that I wouldn't go back and change anything.

Jryski wrote:Personally, I would stop contacting him and wait for him to reach out to me. I don’t have time for hogwash especially with all the things I’m doing in my life. If the other person thinks I’m special enough, they’d make an effort. If I find them worth it, I’d do the same.

Then again he might interpret such behavior as not caring, and if he does have feelings for you, that might be hurtful. If you made it clear to him that you really like him, and very much want a future with him in it, but are willing to take it slow until he figures out how to cope with his parents, might that alleviate the pressure on him to break things off?
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