I fear I wasted my youth

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I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Badlands17 » 1 September 2019, 11:57

Hello everyone, I’m posting this because I’m in need of advice about my dating life and maybe someone will relate to my story and feel less alone in this.
Anyways I’m a 20 yo gay man and I’ve never been in a relationship nor have had any sexual/romantic experience with anyone, I’ve always been shy, introverted and kinda scared of intimacy and relationships; pair this with the issues of accepting your sexuality and you get me: a 20yo Virgin who doesn’t even know where to begin to fix his wrecked life. The point is I feel like I wasted my youth by being stuck in my own head, scared of dating and loving someone and I never even tried to put myself out there because I was scared of what people would think. Now I’m worried I’m going to die alone and that no one will ever love me because nobody has ever shown any interest in me like ever, I guess I’m not cute/smart/funny enough to attract people; I tried to change my looks, style, way of acting but nothing ever worked and now I’m kinda hopeless. Anybody feels the same? Have you got any advice? Thanks
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Marmaduke » 1 September 2019, 14:07

My best advice would be to remember that you’re 20 and to stop referring to your youth in the past tense.
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby LostGuy94 » 1 September 2019, 15:41

Try not to think of your past and live in the moment, instead of thinking about the lack of stuff you haven't done, think about doing something now... I'm in a similar situation myself and kick myself for not doing owt sooner but nothing I can do about that, what I can do is do something now (which was get Grindr to get myself out there and get some experience having not had any previously).
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Jzone » 1 September 2019, 18:04

Chin up, Badlands. The best part of your youth is still in front of you. I chuckled as I read your post — not because it's funny, but because it is so familiar. You might as well be writing about me. I didn't go so far as to think my life was wrecked at your age, but I was starting to worry about living a lonely life. I was 22 when I became sexually active.

Fast-forward 35 years and I have had several healthy, long-term relationships; as well as some questionable short-term fun. Do I regret how I lived my teen years? Most of the time I feel just fine about who I am these days, so I don't waste time with regrets. Make and maintain good friendships, and the rest will follow in time.

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood." — Tom Robbins, author
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Badlands17 » 1 September 2019, 19:19

Marmaduke wrote:My best advice would be to remember that you’re 20 and to stop referring to your youth in the past tense.


I know I know but everyone always tells me that I’m an adult so like teenage years feel far even though it was literally last year lol, but thanks for the advice
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Badlands17 » 1 September 2019, 19:20

LostGuy94 wrote:Try not to think of your past and live in the moment, instead of thinking about the lack of stuff you haven't done, think about doing something now... I'm in a similar situation myself and kick myself for not doing owt sooner but nothing I can do about that, what I can do is do something now (which was get Grindr to get myself out there and get some experience having not had any previously).


Thank you for your advice, I am trying as well to be more open to new experiences but sometimes putting yourself out there it’s a bit hard
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Badlands17 » 1 September 2019, 19:21

Jzone wrote:Chin up, Badlands. The best part of your youth is still in front of you. I chuckled as I read your post — not because it's funny, but because it is so familiar. You might as well be writing about me. I didn't go so far as to think my life was wrecked at your age, but I was starting to worry about living a lonely life. I was 22 when I became sexually active.

Fast-forward 35 years and I have had several healthy, long-term relationships; as well as some questionable short-term fun. Do I regret how I lived my teen years? Most of the time I feel just fine about who I am these days, so I don't waste time with regrets. Make and maintain good friendships, and the rest will follow in time.

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood." — Tom Robbins, author


Thank you for your nice words, seeing I’m not the only one who feels this way is reassuring, I’ll try my best to put myself out there more and let’s see where that takes me
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Marmaduke » 1 September 2019, 19:51

Badlands17 wrote:
Marmaduke wrote:My best advice would be to remember that you’re 20 and to stop referring to your youth in the past tense.


I know I know but everyone always tells me that I’m an adult so like teenage years feel far even though it was literally last year lol, but thanks for the advice

I think you’re blurring the lines a little heavily between childhood and adulthood and fixing youth as some defined point of demarcation between one state and another. It’s not that.

Yeah, you’re an adult, but you’re still maturing. In America, you can’t buy a beer. In the UK, for instance, you can certainly have kids but the system doesn’t recognise you as mature enough to adopt. You’re worried that your life up until this point has been romantically wasted, but for the vast majority of it you’ve been a child and romance isn’t really what anyone was wanting or expecting from you. Be honest with yourself, did you really want a relationship at 16? Or, to put it better, did you want at 16 what you would want from a relationship now? Do you think you’ll want the same things in 5 or 10 years that you want for yourself now?

Your problem is one caused by perspective. You’ve felt a certain way for a certain while, but that certain while makes up a disproportionately large portion of time within your time as an adult, and so you see it as a disproportionately large problem. If I can paint the picture a different way, imagine I‘ve spilt a glass of wine onto a rug and 75% of that rug is now ruined, on the basis of that alone, this seems like a pretty bad issue. But the rug is actually just a welcome mat, it’s not that the stain is huge, it’s that the rug is small. With a change of context, the problem is less severe.

Your best years are ahead of you. I’m 10 years ahead, and I’m only just now coming to be comfortable with the idea that my best years are ahead of me. Decide what you want for yourself, proactively do something to get what you want and try not to have an existential crisis. They become less and less frequent as you get older.
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Eryx » 1 September 2019, 21:00

Lol the dude didn't even get into his 20s yet and he's already thinking life is over. Wtf.

I lost my virginity when I was 18. And all the better things happened after that. I'm going to be 27 on Friday and I feel like these past couple of years have been the greatest in my life. Calm down!
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby mxguy01 » 2 September 2019, 04:22

Jzone wrote:...
"It's never too late to have a happy childhood." — Tom Robbins, author

I'm pretty much living proof of that. Oh, and no intentions of stopping any time soon.
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Eos » 2 September 2019, 09:01

I was kinda like you.
I'm 23, never been in a relationship (I liked someone but it only lasted 1 month since it wasn't shared), never had sex.
I've been looking for people since one year.
All I'm saying is that you can take your time.
If you fully accepted your sexuality (and live it well) it'll be much easier to find someone.
You need to have a good self confidence beforehand as well.
Once you get to that point you'll notice there is a lot of people that could like you.
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby GaySpacePirateKing » 4 September 2019, 18:43

Others are right that youth doesn't end at the age of 20, but I also remember being 20 and feeling like I had missed out or that I had wasted my teen years. Now that I am closer to 30 I feel the same way about my 20's in fact pretty much everything you said is me right now at nearer to 30 than 20 so I think I know where you are coming from.

I wouldn't say you are too young to feel this way, although you do have to recognise that the ages between 20-30 is still youth and you can have a lot of fun in those years. I think regardless of age though feelings of regret and disappointment are quite normal.

It sounds like you do have things to be unhappy about and that you have identified some issues, the question is what are you going to do about it GOING FORWARD?

Because and I hate to say this but if you start thinking your life is over or that you'll never have a relationship then it becomes self-fulfilling.

You need to make effort now for things not to turn out like that, but the good news is you've your whole 20's to figure it out. I've my whole 30's, longer if I need it and my late 20s to figure it out.

Just don't be like crazy me I can be good at giving advice terrible at taking it.
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby GaySpacePirateKing » 4 September 2019, 19:05

Marmaduke wrote:Imagine I‘ve spilt a glass of wine onto a rug and 75% of that rug is now ruined,


Yes wine...

Marmaduke wrote:But the rug is actually just a welcome mat, it’s not that the stain is huge, it’s that the rug is small°


Dude, just use a tissue!
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Jryski » 5 September 2019, 09:47

If you wasted your your youth and you're like 20, then I'm having a mid life crisis cuz I just turned 26. LOL
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Eryx » 5 September 2019, 11:35

When's your birthday? I turn 27 on Friday!
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby NvM » 5 September 2019, 14:39

life is a learning experience, impossible to wast your life.
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby mxguy01 » 5 September 2019, 16:22

Honestly I could easily let myself think that the best part of my life is behind me. Was it wasted? Don't worry I once again have most beat for the extreme of this, I didn't have sex with someone until around the age of 23. Don't think I let that one out before. This was the time when I decided to just go to Uni while living at home. So I graduated with a dual degree in Computer Science and Mathematics. I moved away from the toxic environment (to use words others often use) of my hometown, gained total independence over my own life and move onto being an adult breaking all ties with being "a child". So I'd just say that I recognized that there were other priorities I focused on in my life that I simply didn't see having a relationship or partner as being important up to and a bit past that point. My next phase was a family life and unexpected to me I had yet another phase I would go through before hitting the "so old I'm waiting to die" stage. I guess there will be one or two more between like starting retirement.

So you really should simply look at your life in sections because during different periods you will have different goals and aspirations. There also seems to be the transition times between those phases. Here's where we get to what may be going on with you atm. Going from one phase to the next puts your head into a weird space that can cause you to question the past rather than accept it and move on. Getting to that next stage is accepting that you've changed and moving on with it. You're likely in one of those "between states" in stages of life. Often you feel like the prior was not successful or unfulfilling. Why not use that as a good excuse to live today the best you can, then accept that is exactly what you did. Think of all the things you have in front of you!
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Jryski » 6 September 2019, 05:37

Eryx wrote:When's your birthday? I turn 27 on Friday!

Happy Birthday Bro! Get crazy! :P Haha my birthday is on Sept. 2nd. We're both virgos! :D
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Re: I fear I wasted my youth

Unread postby Badlands17 » 6 September 2019, 17:29

Marmaduke wrote:
Badlands17 wrote:
Marmaduke wrote:My best advice would be to remember that you’re 20 and to stop referring to your youth in the past tense.


I know I know but everyone always tells me that I’m an adult so like teenage years feel far even though it was literally last year lol, but thanks for the advice

I think you’re blurring the lines a little heavily between childhood and adulthood and fixing youth as some defined point of demarcation between one state and another. It’s not that.

Yeah, you’re an adult, but you’re still maturing. In America, you can’t buy a beer. In the UK, for instance, you can certainly have kids but the system doesn’t recognise you as mature enough to adopt. You’re worried that your life up until this point has been romantically wasted, but for the vast majority of it you’ve been a child and romance isn’t really what anyone was wanting or expecting from you. Be honest with yourself, did you really want a relationship at 16? Or, to put it better, did you want at 16 what you would want from a relationship now? Do you think you’ll want the same things in 5 or 10 years that you want for yourself now?

Your problem is one caused by perspective. You’ve felt a certain way for a certain while, but that certain while makes up a disproportionately large portion of time within your time as an adult, and so you see it as a disproportionately large problem. If I can paint the picture a different way, imagine I‘ve spilt a glass of wine onto a rug and 75% of that rug is now ruined, on the basis of that alone, this seems like a pretty bad issue. But the rug is actually just a welcome mat, it’s not that the stain is huge, it’s that the rug is small. With a change of context, the problem is less severe.

Your best years are ahead of you. I’m 10 years ahead, and I’m only just now coming to be comfortable with the idea that my best years are ahead of me. Decide what you want for yourself, proactively do something to get what you want and try not to have an existential crisis. They become less and less frequent as you get older.


I never thought about this but it makes total sense, thank you so much!
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