I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Ask questions and discuss your relationships with partners or parents, family or friends.

I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eos » 5 January 2021, 20:47

Hi !
I've been looking for someone for so long that I feel I must be doing something really wrong to manage to stay single after 2/3 years.

I'm trying to put some perspective on this, but I will welcome any advice.

Let's say that for the first year I was in no condition to be with someone. I was grieving my mother and it was all I could think about when I met someone. I had this big ass wall right from the beginning. I tried to be a bit discreet about this, until I had no choice to say it to avoid lies.

But after that year I became happy, and have been looking for various profiles.
First there was my first mistake, looking for someone that shared many passions with me, and I will be honest it was mostly videos games.
By meeting with such people, I realized I didn't really want someone that played videos games, but someone that simply could be interested in them.
I also realized that I wanted to meet someone that I could be passionate about. Not once have I met someone like that. Everyone seems so boring to me. While sometimes it is understandable to have this feeling, I also think that I am too quick to feel bored.

Sometimes when people came to my home, I would show them the games I play, try to explain them how it works, I will play some piano, we will watch some TV shows. During those times I always am afraid that they are bored.
I recently discovered that I might have reflected what I feel on them. And in fact I am bored with the people coming at my home. They are not really active, no questions, no emotions from them. I always get the same compliments about how I play with my piano.

If I have big doubts about them enjoying their time I always end up asking them directly if I didn't bored them. Not once have I received negative feedback, but sometimes I wish they did...

Today I asked my last date if the reason he hasn't been messaging me much was because of his work, or if there was something more. And he said he didn't think it can work between us.
I, myself, had no idea it could have worked, or not. But he already made this decision. I asked him if he had a reason to make such a big decision, and he said nothing. Just a "feeling".

I have also said no to many people, but I could always tell what was wrong with the person, though no one asked.

Do you have any idea if I'm doing something wrong ? Don't hesitate to ask me questions if that can help.
Eos
 
Posts: 262
+1s received: 136
Joined: 2 April 2019, 07:30
Country: France (fr)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby OutsideIn » 5 January 2021, 22:23

I am no expert on relationships, but at 25, you seem to be on the young side to be so worried about this. Perhaps you are putting too much pressure on yourself and your dates. I get the sense that you are trying to check off boxes in your head about what a potential match should be. Maybe you should try to date more casually and not worry so much in the beginning where the relationship is headed.
OutsideIn
 
Posts: 356
+1s received: 209
Joined: 25 November 2020, 18:58
Location: Earth
Country: United States (us)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eos » 5 January 2021, 23:04

I don't know if I put to much pressure on myself. Though it is likely. I am a bit like that.
I'm not sure I am that focused on checking boxes. I mean I do have a few that are just too important to me, but I welcome any kind of thing I have never experienced before. The only box I do have and that I will always try to ask (probably too quickly, but I don't want to waste anyone times) is that I will want children. I don't want to change their mind and I know mine won't changed. So I'd rather ask than letting things go to discover we have different goals.
Eos
 
Posts: 262
+1s received: 136
Joined: 2 April 2019, 07:30
Country: France (fr)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby René » 5 January 2021, 23:22

Eos wrote:I don't know if I put to much pressure on myself. Though it is likely. I am a bit like that.
I'm not sure I am that focused on checking boxes. I mean I do have a few that are just too important to me, but I welcome any kind of thing I have never experienced before. The only box I do have and that I will always try to ask (probably too quickly, but I don't want to waste anyone times) is that I will want children. I don't want to change their mind and I know mine won't changed. So I'd rather ask than letting things go to discover we have different goals.

Just as long as you make it clear that you're talking about a hypothetical situation that's way far in the future IF you end up together in the long term, haha! I don't think most people who are dating like to think that far ahead (which, as a natural long-term thinker, has been quite annoying for me as well).
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 7409
+1s received: 2619
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Maryland, USA / Lanarkshire, Scotland
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 6 January 2021, 06:19

OutsideIn was right to point out that 25 is fairly young to be so concerned about this. Also as he pointed out, you probably should be a bit more casual about this.

Note no two relationships are the same because no two men are cut from the same cloth. Thus the relationships between men don't follow a predictable pattern. Some men seem fine being single, others long for a partner.

I must confess that I fall in the latter camp which sometimes seems strange given that in some ways I'm a loner. Perhaps being a loner in other things is why being in a relationship had always been my goal. I have that now -- I have had the same man now for 17+ years -- note I'm about 36 years older than you.

But most of my life I was alone. Relationships were not lasting, and until my current man, I never had a live in relationship.

If I could talk to MY 25 year old self, I would tell him to indulge more in finding things that interested himself. Also I would have told him to reach out and help others. The less one stays stuck in his head about how he "needs" a relationship, the happier one can be AND the more likely a relationship might just happen when you least expect it.

For instance, you said you like to play the piano. Lots of gay men love music of some type. I knew a guy who loved playing an electronic organ. He could throw a party, and gather guys around the organ to sing while he played. Everybody had a good time, and he was well regarded for entertaining.

Relationships can be great, but you cannot "force" them to happen. They just do. You just have to put yourself out there, and not focus on the goal of having a relationship -- rather enjoy the journey of getting to know other men.

The best part of a relationship isn't about constantly entertaining each other to keep from getting bored, or lots of romantic or erotic moments. Rather it is enjoying having someone to simply share your life with -- both the mundane moments as well as those times when it is rather romantic/intense/whatever.

Again, 25 is SO young. You are at the beginning of your adulthood. Don't try to be old before your time, age will catch up with you sooner than you realize. Get to know your self, and what you have to offer, and what you like. Like I said, also if you use your talents and hobbies to reach out to others, then you will attract possible guys who simply may just like to hang out with you, and perhaps some of them might turn into more than just friendships.
NobodySpecial
 
Posts: 96
+1s received: 60
Joined: 19 August 2018, 01:43
Country: United States (us)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eos » 6 January 2021, 08:36

@René : I do make it quite clear. I always start messaging by saying I am the kind of person that needs a lot of time before developing any kind of feeling. And I always add that it won't be for foreseeable future. Only after many conditions are met.


I don't know what you all mean by 25 is young. I would have said the same things if I was 35. Time is precious. Btw, I am not THAT much in the urge of being in a relationship, like I said I pretty much love my life, and I think it is one of the reason it is pretty hard for me to find someone that adds to it. I feel I don't need anyone. But I want to find someone.
I keep listening to many love music from the last millenial, while thinking that one day I will be able to add a face to the people they sing for.

"The less one stays stuck in his head about how he "needs" a relationship, the happier one can be AND the more likely a relationship might just happen when you least expect it."
I do agree with that, well more or less. A relationship can't be find just like that with the kind of life I have. I don't go out enough. But that's the kind of life I like. I only go out with my family and sometimes a friend.

"Rather it is enjoying having someone to simply share your life with -- both the mundane moments as well as those times when it is rather romantic/intense/whatever."
This seems impossible to achieve (while it is definitely how a relationship can start). It's just that I never felt like that toward someone.

"Get to know your self, and what you have to offer, and what you like."

I've been working on my self for a long time, and I haven't been alone in the whole process. And I do think I know most of that. Dating also helped me to define that. Even if of course this kind of things can change.
Eos
 
Posts: 262
+1s received: 136
Joined: 2 April 2019, 07:30
Country: France (fr)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eryx » 6 January 2021, 14:04

I don't think it would work for me to look for relationships like some of you do. I don't own a piano or videogames, so there isn't anything I can show to a date in my house that is too important or related to my hobbies aside from a few books and puzzles. Maybe some pirated games on my PC but that's about the extent of it.

My approach has always been very different. I met people through Grindr, through work or through the internet. A couple of the short-lived ones I met at a club. Then we go out for a drink, we talk about interests, places we've been, what we think of politics and our families, where we've lived and what we want to study/work with. Before, in the middle, or after that, there's sex. Then I can find out if there's chemistry. Because sometimes the guy will be awesome to talk to but sex simply doesn't work. A lot can go wrong there.

Anyway, nearly nobody in Brazil has money to have hobby things they can show their dates and so many interests to share because everyone's working their ass off to make 200 dollars a month. It's more about "Hey, let me introduce you to my friends and check out a different bar today," or "how about we rent a car and go away for the weekend where we can chill at a waterfall and meet different people at a hostel?"

I don't know. It's just... If some guy asked me over to his house and started showing me his things and abilities I'd just be like "Umm... Okay... So where are we going to eat today? We can play videogame when we get back and I'll show you what a quality cuddle session is."

Maybe you're bored because what you're doing is boring. I don't want to go to a date to see a personal museum, no offense. I don't mean to say that there's anything wrong with that, just that it's not my thing. I'd want to see you play the piano after you tell me at a date outside that you enjoy playing the piano, and then you could throw in a snack, a board game and a movie along with that.
ImageImageImage Image Image Image ImageImage

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
— Harlan Ellison
User avatar
Eryx
 
Posts: 2906
+1s received: 1870
Joined: 20 December 2012, 21:48
Location: Belo Horizonte, MG
Country: Brazil (br)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby René » 6 January 2021, 14:21

NobodySpecial wrote:Some men seem fine being single, others long for a partner.

Others still are happy being single but can still get a lot out of having a partner, even if they don't long for one or (when having them) necessarily miss them a lot while apart.
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 7409
+1s received: 2619
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Maryland, USA / Lanarkshire, Scotland
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eos » 6 January 2021, 14:31

I'm completely with you on this. I also dislike to invite people at my place, especially if it is the first time we meet.
But the covid and all...I don't have much choice.
Before this I really enjoyed taking a drink with someone, to talk about our life. We can't talk like that at my place.
But seeing the situation isn't going to be better, I must keep doing this this way.

However I never had sex and will not use it to know if I'm going to like someone because that's the kind of things I want to do if I do like the person.
Eos
 
Posts: 262
+1s received: 136
Joined: 2 April 2019, 07:30
Country: France (fr)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby René » 6 January 2021, 14:34

Eos wrote:Before this I really enjoyed taking a drink with someone, to talk about our life. We can't talk like that at my place.

Are you sure about that?
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 7409
+1s received: 2619
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Maryland, USA / Lanarkshire, Scotland
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eos » 6 January 2021, 15:02

René wrote:
Eos wrote:Before this I really enjoyed taking a drink with someone, to talk about our life. We can't talk like that at my place.

Are you sure about that?


About what ? That I enjoyed this kind of time ? Yes I am. I don't like to have people at my place it's way too small. I always have to stay on my bed while they are on a chair.
Eos
 
Posts: 262
+1s received: 136
Joined: 2 April 2019, 07:30
Country: France (fr)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby René » 6 January 2021, 15:10

Eos wrote:
René wrote:
Eos wrote:Before this I really enjoyed taking a drink with someone, to talk about our life. We can't talk like that at my place.

Are you sure about that?

About what ? That I enjoyed this kind of time ? Yes I am. I don't like to have people at my place it's way too small. I always have to stay on my bed while they are on a chair.

I meant sure about not being able to talk like that at your place. But I didn't realise it was tiny. :P

You may be right, but my first thought is maybe a bed could be comfy enough for talking if you sat on it together with a bunch of pillows? :3 (Rather than creating distance by having you on the bed and your date on a chair.)
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 7409
+1s received: 2619
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Maryland, USA / Lanarkshire, Scotland
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eos » 6 January 2021, 16:27

My bed is really small, and there is no way to put our backs on something, so it's not really confortable. I also wouldn't like it if my date sat on my bed if I was on it. Especially the first time.
Eos
 
Posts: 262
+1s received: 136
Joined: 2 April 2019, 07:30
Country: France (fr)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eryx » 6 January 2021, 18:45

Being a virgin at 25 might be something that is making everything else a little more difficult for you. Sex isn't really that special, it just has to be good. I can guarantee you probably won't remember much of your first time after it has happened for a while and I am 99.9% sure it won't be the best sex of your life either.

I get the whole thing about it being a special moment and transition but honestly, it isn't. I get what you mean though, and I understand how you feel about it. Just don't give it too much importance because nobody at your dating age will, and if you make it too hard to happen then it probably will push some people away as well.
ImageImageImage Image Image Image ImageImage

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
— Harlan Ellison
User avatar
Eryx
 
Posts: 2906
+1s received: 1870
Joined: 20 December 2012, 21:48
Location: Belo Horizonte, MG
Country: Brazil (br)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eos » 6 January 2021, 20:52

I honestly don't care about the fact I am still a virgin, and I know most people don't care, and if they do it should never have worked to begin with.
I'm not starving for sex. It's just that it is the kind of special moment that I don't want to do it with some random people. From all the people I met, not once did I felt I wanted to have sex, so I'm not gonna force it.
Eos
 
Posts: 262
+1s received: 136
Joined: 2 April 2019, 07:30
Country: France (fr)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby rogonandi » 8 January 2021, 19:21

Overthinking will doom you. Not just with relationships but pretty much anything else.
Image
rogonandi
 
Posts: 1940
+1s received: 1306
Joined: 12 May 2016, 10:02
Location: Ontario
Country: Canada (ca)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eos » 8 January 2021, 20:30

rogonandi wrote:Overthinking will doom you. Not just with relationships but pretty much anything else.

What am I overthinking ? I was just asking if anyone was able to spot some things I might be doing wrong.
Eos
 
Posts: 262
+1s received: 136
Joined: 2 April 2019, 07:30
Country: France (fr)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Marmaduke » 8 January 2021, 20:44

If I’m honest, if someone invited me over to watch TV and listen to them play piano, I’d decline. There’s very little there for me to actually be doing. Activities-wise, it’s a dull schedule. Perhaps try changing it up a little and find some things that involve you both doing something that isn’t staring at a TV? I’m not even talking about sex!

I tend to be disinterested by a conversation with a person who just talks about themselves, but I’m all-too happy to ask questions, encourage you to talk and find out more about you in a way where there is more back and forth. Perhaps instead of touring around your interests of video games and pianos, ask them about themselves and their interests and hope that the presence of a piano serves as adequate prompt for them to raise that topic by themselves if it interests them.

Activity wise, watching TV is barely half a step better as a first encounter than going to the movies. Find something that you can do whilst having the conversation above. Invite someone over, sure, but maybe invite them to bring a bottle of something and you’ll make dinner. Cooking is a great ice breaker and a super easy thing to involve someone in at a level they’ll be comfortable with. It’s a chance to show off a skill, to find out more about each other, food is a great lead into anecdotes on holidays or memories or events.

If you want to play games, don’t have them be video games. I’d be wayyyy more intrigued by the offer of a board game than a video game. A video game, you’re just staring at a screen. A board game, you’re engaging with each other.

Maybe go for a walk, I find it quiet easy to fill conversation with chat about architecture or local history or landmarks, when the restrictions start easing I’m a huge fan of a gallery, big or small. You don’t need to be arty, or knowledgable, to have an opinion about a thing you’re looking at and to expand on that opinion.

If the approach as you’ve described has failed to work effectively thus far, that is less a reflection that dating is a futile endeavour for which you are not suited and more a pretty clear reflection that that approach in particular is ineffective. Change it up. Do something else. Anything else. Adapt. Or die alone. Whatever suits.
User avatar
Marmaduke
 
Posts: 8111
+1s received: 2974
Joined: 23 December 2012, 17:56
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eryx » 8 January 2021, 22:01

Consider yourself lucky, not everyone gets Marmaduke at his prime like this. Beautiful suggestions.
ImageImageImage Image Image Image ImageImage

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
— Harlan Ellison
User avatar
Eryx
 
Posts: 2906
+1s received: 1870
Joined: 20 December 2012, 21:48
Location: Belo Horizonte, MG
Country: Brazil (br)

Re: I feel I don't know how to be in a relationship

Unread postby Eos » 9 January 2021, 06:45

I completely agree with you, but then I will have to add a few things :

- Why does no one ever said they were bored ? It's not like I was trapping them, I asked them if they wanted to do something else, and a few wanted to come back.

I don't have board games, I am alone 99% of time at my place, and I don't even have a table to play on. There is a great bar that allow you to use board games, but of course it is closed ATM.
And come on videos games ain't that different, it's not just looking for a screen, it is so much more. If you are interested (which I want my date to be) you shouldn't just look.

I can't even make people stay with the COVID situation, people aren't allowed to move after 8pm. So I can't even cook.

And for the walk we always do that before coming to my place. But it's not like we can be out the full afternoon with the COVID.

But I completely agree those activities ain't the best to discover someone. But then now that I am thinking about it, when I have been to other people's place, we did the same activities.
Eos
 
Posts: 262
+1s received: 136
Joined: 2 April 2019, 07:30
Country: France (fr)


Recently active
Users browsing this forum: CommonCrawl [Bot], Eos, whatever1979 and 32 guests