I feel terrible if I break-up...

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I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby thewayfarer » 18 November 2020, 11:21

I'll try and keep this short.

My boyfriend and I were friends for a couple of years (we're both 30), then I stopped travelling around the world and pursued him to be in a relationship (now 1.5 years).

Things were going great and we were both happy, would have sex on a regular basis, we mainly only did oral, I'm more into anal (as a top) but he isn't into anal so much so we've only tried a few times, but every time I mention it he doesn't seem keen, so I've left it alone.

Then he started to have trouble "getting it up." It happened a couple of times and he said that "I'm sorry it's because I think people aren't attracted to me."

After that happened I started to lose my interest in sex between us (about 6 months ago) and now we rarely have it (maybe once a month). Since then I've started to lose my attraction to him, I don't find him as sexually attractive as I used to (not sure what happened). Even if he did offer to try anal I can't seem to find the motivation to have sex with him.

Apart from that we get on great, but I feel as though I'm starting to see him more as a friend. If sex was great between us, then I reckon I'd be very happy to stay as boyfriends since everything else is working out.

I've been thinking about breaking up (about 3 months now) but I would feel terrible for a few reasons:

- His previous boyfriend broke up with him without reason, which he struggled to come to terms with.
- He's very self-conscious about his weight, so if I tell him that I don't find him attractive anymore it would erode his mental health (he's sees a psychologist).

If I did break up, I would try and be honest as possible, probably say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I feel like we've lost the spark between us, which has affected our relationship, my feelings towards you and also our sex life."

Thoughts?
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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby erti » 18 November 2020, 20:06

sounds like the "honey moon" part of the relationship has gone. It's very important to tell him about that the spark between you two has vanished. Maybe he feels the same way?
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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby René » 18 November 2020, 21:29

erti wrote:sounds like the "honey moon" part of the relationship has gone. It's very important to tell him about that the spark between you two has vanished. Maybe he feels the same way?

Maybe that's not really accurate, though, given this:

thewayfarer wrote:If sex was great between us, then I reckon I'd be very happy to stay as boyfriends since everything else is working out.
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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby erti » 18 November 2020, 22:40

René wrote:
erti wrote:sounds like the "honey moon" part of the relationship has gone. It's very important to tell him about that the spark between you two has vanished. Maybe he feels the same way?

Maybe that's not really accurate, though, given this:

thewayfarer wrote:If sex was great between us, then I reckon I'd be very happy to stay as boyfriends since everything else is working out.


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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby John27 » 18 November 2020, 22:54

thewayfarer wrote:If sex was great between us, then I reckon I'd be very happy to stay as boyfriends since everything else is working out.


Disclaimer: I've never had a relationship, so I have no personal experience.

But I do wonder if relationship counseling would help. It might help it survive. And if breakup is inevitable, it might help make that easier for all concerned.
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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby thewayfarer » 19 November 2020, 10:44

erti wrote:sounds like the "honey moon" part of the relationship has gone. It's very important to tell him about that the spark between you two has vanished. Maybe he feels the same way?


From my understanding, he's happy where we are at the moment, which is why it's difficult for me.
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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby thewayfarer » 19 November 2020, 10:46

John27 wrote:
thewayfarer wrote:If sex was great between us, then I reckon I'd be very happy to stay as boyfriends since everything else is working out.


Disclaimer: I've never had a relationship, so I have no personal experience.

But I do wonder if relationship counseling would help. It might help it survive. And if breakup is inevitable, it might help make that easier for all concerned.


Yeah it's difficult, I would like our sex life to be better, however not sure how to achieve this if my attraction to him sexually is fading, which is why I think breaking up is inevitable :/
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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby PopTart » 19 November 2020, 10:59

Have you spoken to him about the sexual dissatisfaction?
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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby thewayfarer » Yesterday, 08:38

PopTart wrote:Have you spoken to him about the sexual dissatisfaction?


Not to 100% of how I feel since it's difficult to tell somebody that you aren't finding them as attractive anymore.

However I have said to him that I'd like to have more anal sex, he said he's willing to try but will only do it if I push him to do it, then I feel bad for pushing him since I get the feeling he doesn't enjoy it.

When I asked him what he does like when it comes to sex, he didn't really say anything and I joked that he was asexual :rofl:
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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby René » Yesterday, 09:12

Maybe he likes it when he's pushed in a dominating sense? :D

There's also over-the-counter stuff you and/or he could take to increase sex drive, in case that might be helpful!
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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby thewayfarer » Yesterday, 09:21

René wrote:Maybe he likes it when he's pushed in a dominating sense? :D

There's also over-the-counter stuff you and/or he could take to increase sex drive, in case that might be helpful!



ahahaha I never considered that before, I'm certainly the dominant one in our relationship since I boss him around and I'm younger and shorter than he is :D

I haven't taken Viagra or anything before but it's something to explore!
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Re: I feel terrible if I break-up...

Unread postby PopTart » Yesterday, 09:24

It's quite possible he doesn't understand the gravity if the situation. I know you don't want to tell him that you don't find him sexually attractive, who wants to do that and how does a relationship move on from such an admission?

But you're going to have to be more forthright, if you want to save this relationship.

You don't have to tell him you don't fi d him sexually attractive, but frame the situation in a different t context, that you feel like the sexual dimension to your relationship, is waning and without that dimension, it's difficult for you to see how you are really anything more than good friends. The truth is, once you start thinking that way, ones emotions tend to follow that same direction of travel.

I think you do need to get this across to your partner.

There may be other factors, affecting his libido and Interest in sex, that he is unwilling to talk about. The problem is, finding out if that is the case. If he isn't willing to talk about it seriously.

If he is unwilling to open up abit more about it, to help you understand and thereby make your decision on what to do about it, you can't be expected to stick around. It takes two people to make a relationship work and if he isn't willing g to try, knowing that the relationship is at stake, then there is little you can do to change his mind.

As to his be willing to try to have different types if sex, even if his heart isn't in it, I get that could be... less than conducive to being excited and aroused, but it might be worth trying to square away those misgivings and give it a try. If you really put in some effort, communicate with him in the early stages, about what feels okay (so you know he isn't hating it or just getting g pain from it) you might be able to rekindle some of that desire for him, you also might be able to find things that DO work for him.

You've both agreed to try having anal, is he romantic? Work to that characteristic, make the act one of dance, woo him, whisper into his ear how much you yearn for him (fake it at first if you have to, you might need to get yourself into the headspace aswell, sounds gamey, but its more about being receptive.) Don't make it crude, use flowery language.

Does he prefer more a dominance and submission thing? Maybe play to that instead.

There are alot of different ways to try to appeal to whatever sexual nature he might possess, no matter how remote or subdued. To help him feel aroused and interested, which might in turn renew your own interest.

Talk to him and if he is struggling to express what he likes, try your best to work with what you already know.

If communication doesn't work and you aren't able to rekindle that flame, by working with his offer, to engage in the sex you want and need, it may be that this relationship, hasn't got much future and that, while being sad, is just how things turn out sometimes.

It's no judgement upon either of you, who have tried your best to make it work, but you may not be compatible or suited to a relationship together and there is no shame in acknowledging that. Indeed, it would be sadder still, to hold onto the idea of something, wind up neither of you being happy and locked into that unhappiness together.

So try to exhaust every avenue and if that doesn't work, be honest, first with yourself, then with your partner about where you are at.

But before all of that, I think you need to tell your partner how serious this issue really is, so he can have the chance to do all he can or wishes to, to preserve the relationship.
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