I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

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I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Eryx » 19 September 2019, 02:38

I guess this got long, and it's relatively soft in nature, so if you don't want to just read a story, it's okay for you to skip it.

Alright, you guys. So, as I told you very recently, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend on Thursday night. On Friday, a classmate of mine in college (18-year-old gay guy, virgin, from a military/conservative small town near Rio), asked me to take him out to see what's with the gay nightlife here, seeing as he never drank, barely met any gay people in his life, and wanted to branch out. I was excited to show him around, so I took him to two different places and we had a lot of fun.

Anyway, I was right in the middle of the break-up hurricane by then. It was just the day after I made the decision, so I was euphoric, and after the day was over, I was in the dumps. I spent my Saturday sulking and crying at a place next to my house that I always go to when I need to collect my feelings. By the time I got there for lunch, he'd already asked me to go out to visit a museum and have lunch together. Well, not really my scene, and I had missed it by a couple of hours, so whatever.

I told him it wasn't really my best day, that I was in very bad shape and that I couldn't make it. He offered to send me a narrative he authored that could maybe brighten up my day. It was called "Virgo," and at first I preferred to think it didn't have anything to do with the fact that I invited him to my birthday on the 6th (and then he picked up on my astrological sign -- ugh), but there were some details in his tale that were a little too close to things that I tend to do.

On Monday, he asked if I was still on campus, I lied and said I had left. On Tuesday, we had a test, and he didn't have the phonetic alphabet's consultation table that we were allowed to use. He asked to copy mine, I said yes, then when it was handed back to us by a classmate, he said he'd accidentally gotten my copy and asked if I'd like to switch them back. I said it didn't matter, and he replied with "This is the first physical thing I have from you." Ummm, okay...

Then, longing looks and weird conversations. All the time.

Today, I was writing furiously on my notebook, because this is the subject that I dislike the most, so I need to write shit down and save myself from reading all of the hellish texts I'd have to read otherwise, and right at the point where I was most attentive and invested, he asked my closest friend to let me know that someone in class would like me to stop messing with my own fingernail. I'm an anxious person, I bite my nails all the time. I wasn't even doing that, I was just picking at the tip, so the first thing that crossed my mind was that maybe someone who was also anxious was feeling annoyed by the noise or the motion. But I had a feeling about who it was coming from and ditto. He was staring straight at me. My friend confirmed, later on, that it was his request indeed.

That bothered me a whole lot. I couldn't focus on the rest of the class and I kept checking my hands. I couldn't listen to the professor anymore. After we all got dismissed I just came home, even though I have another class (I already have a passing grade, so I didn't feel so obliged to stay there). Obviously, this is something so small, so silly, that it shouldn't bother me or make me miss a class I actually enjoy, but I'm still kind of sensitive with all that happened during the weekend, so I felt super bothered.

Before this, in Ouro Preto, this guy (who was in an open relationship) fell in love with me for some reason and asked me out on campus to read me a poem he wrote thinking of me. It freaked me the fuck out because, before that, a friend I offered to host for months after his mother kicked him out from their home, decided to admit that he'd felt in love with me because of our spending so much time together at home. With the minor detail that he was living with me and my boyfriend at the time, who some of you might remember.

Anyway, I think I'm kind of scarred when it comes to excessive touching and teenage crushes. I'm very against letting this go on. I think I might have to be ruder than I'm used to lol. And there are some new pals touching me way too much that I wish would know that I'd rather just wave to say hi... I've just become more reserved and I prefer it that way.

I have never considered myself especially attractive, and I'm not going to pretend I didn't notice all the things that I improved on myself (internally and externally) because I actually worked hard for them, but I'm not used to some kinds of attention and it makes me really nervous. To the point where I feel like simply walking into the forest next to my major's building and sitting there for a couple of hours. Like I did while in my friend's wedding, or at that time I walked into the ocean after destroying my phone because my ex-boyfriend was actually encouraging me to kill myself. Lol. So crazy that that shit actually happened, in hindsight.

Anyway. It all makes me nervous. I just want to tell a couple of people to get the fuck away from me. But I'm scared of the social repercussions so I just try to make the best of it. I wish I was less weird.

Sorry for ranting.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Jzone » 19 September 2019, 05:28

It's never too soon to have another story! You really need a friend to hang out with who will not hit on you. I hope you have somebody there to be that friend. Breakups are challenging, and rebounding with someone you may later regret is a great thing to avoid. Give yourself time. If you need to tell a couple guys you need some time and space for yourself, then do that. Fuck the social repercussions. If they are worth caring about they will respect your request.

Eryx wrote:I have never considered myself especially attractive...
This is the hardest part of your story to believe. You are such a good looking guy. I have had enough beautiful friends who do not understand how attractive they are (men and women) that I really shouldn't be surprised anymore. We get so accustomed to our own face in the mirror — and have such unrealistic expectations due to photoshopped ads and grotesquely sculpted celebrities — that most of us simply cannot accept that we are physically attractive to anyone. It's a real shame.

Being less weird is not something to aspire to. The world needs weird to balance all the mundane, trivial, monotonous bullshit we all have to put up with.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Eryx » 19 September 2019, 05:43

I was overweight from 7 to 15, then I left for the US and didn't come out (not the best outfits or haircut either, so I guess that contributed to the whole self-esteem thing), then I went on to have a relationship but I still didn't feel good about myself. Now I've sorted most of those areas out and I can say I feel positively confident about my looks and ability to conduct a good relationship! That's why I said it's a first: me feeling great about most areas of my life is way too recent!

I've gathered a few straight friends who are talking to me about it all and they are also sharing some stories they had with their past encounters that are really helping me to make sense of some things. I'm just really not adjusted to deal with someone having a childish crush on me. I feel like I'm at the other end of some of the threads that end up here about that "gay guy from the GSA who I'm not sure is into me, but he seems so nice, what should I think?"

Now, I guess I'd probably say "it's all in your head" lol. Because it truly is. I've been through way too much to coach someone into losing their virginity. I know there are guys who are into that, but I'm the opposite. I like someone who's ready for the real stuff.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby rogonandi » 19 September 2019, 09:23

You’re good looking and charming, so you’ll have to expect lots of awesome attention from gay men. Some of them are going to misinterpret this charm as interest, so sometimes some frank rebuffing might be needed, even if it seems rude. :shrug:
People love to follow fools; they don't feel so alone then.

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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby NvM » 19 September 2019, 14:49

just be honest with these meet ups that you ended a relationship and not really in a space you can date someone else yet.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby mxguy01 » 19 September 2019, 15:58

Ok. I'm going to go against the grain here so to speak. While I agree with all the prior (especially about your self perception) your quite a bit up-tight about relationships right now. Think about it. What I picked up is that you're pretty sensitive about anyone showing you some kindness. While you were not specific about some of the "attraction" and such but I wonder if some of that is not just friends being sympathetic and wanting to give you a hug to make you feel better - or something of the sort. So that's why I wonder if you're not being overly sensitive towards that.

Now here's where my advice differs: You need something casual for a bit. Honestly that 18 yo virgin sounds perfect (a bit of me speaking in that bahahaha). Let him know the situation. One of convenience, just good times. Maybe you just play his co-pilot and keep an eye on him that he's being safe about it all.

So while right now a casual fling may not be good it's something I think you work towards and do for a little while before attempting anything serious again.

Funny you mention "the places" you go to clear you head. I always seem to have my go to spots too.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby René » 19 September 2019, 17:09

mxguy01 wrote:Now here's where my advice differs: You need something casual for a bit. Honestly that 18 yo virgin sounds perfect (a bit of me speaking in that bahahaha). Let him know the situation. One of convenience, just good times.

I'm sure I've misunderstood you — you're not suggesting it's a good idea to have sex with someone who has an unreciprocated crush on you, are you?
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Derek » 19 September 2019, 17:11

Is he hot?
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby mxguy01 » 19 September 2019, 17:26

René wrote:
mxguy01 wrote:Now here's where my advice differs: You need something casual for a bit. Honestly that 18 yo virgin sounds perfect (a bit of me speaking in that bahahaha). Let him know the situation. One of convenience, just good times.

I'm sure I've misunderstood you — you're not suggesting it's a good idea to have sex with someone who has an reciprocated crush on you, are you?


What I'm suggesting is that he completely lay it out on the line to the guy: I have no interest in you really in that way (romantically/realationship). I'm pretty messed up in the head over my break up. But hey if you want to hang out and me show you around a bit wrt the gay scene thing....

You get the idea. Now if sex is part or not part of that IMO on that level doesn't matter much other than some mutual satisfaction. I guess my point is if you can kill the crush thing and get the kid (specifically used that language) to be a bit more realistic about it. Maybe even help him work on finding a real BF would be cool.

My main point is that Eryx needs to get to a point where casual contact (sex, no sex, platonic friends, whatever) with people is not so upsetting every direction he looks but rather when handled with appropriateness is so much more of a good time in life.

But yeah, if it really is a "teenage crush" and he won't give up on it, then simply tell him he probably needs someone very much like himself to get through that stage and walk.

Honestly, I've been where he's at right now if I understand correctly. You get to a point where you want to push everyone out of your life and it really doesn't matter who that person is or how good they are for you. So you start alienating friends, family - everyone! That's what needs fixed first.

"I just want to tell a couple of people to get the fuck away from me" <- in other words I suspect this is really the case because that is sometimes how we protect ourselves when we are feeling hurt..
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Eryx » 19 September 2019, 17:45

Wrong... I'm hurt and sensitive right now, yes, but I'm not delusional. The guy is being pushy lately and it shows, I wasn't the only one to notice it.

I'm not into 18-year-olds, and I probably never will be. It's not the kind of body or maturity I'm attracted to. It is not part of my sexual preference and yeah, sure, if I really worked on it and talked to him and got to know him yadda-yadda, something might come up, I might love his personality first... That sounds cute and all, but why go through all that hassle? Not my thing at all, not even for a casual hook-up.

Speaking of which, I've already had a couple and I'm not conflicted about it. I'm just still getting over the fact that I don't talk to the person who used to be my best friend for all things anymore. I would probably feel the same about someone who was actually just a friend because there's a void where he used to be. The sexual part isn't central to me, in fact, my ex and I probably didn't have sex for more than a month and I wasn't particularly missing it (or wanting it with anyone for that matter). And he's exactly my type.

And the fact that I don't like being touchy and people getting too up in my personal space isn't something new that cropped up with my break-up, it's something I've always had issues with here in Brazil because people are touchy as a rule, everyone wants to kiss you for every greeting like a million times, lock hands, bear hugs, all that stuff, I don't subscribe to it... I'm not a dick about it, it's just the way I am. Most people get the hint pretty quickly.

I'm shooting him down if he does anything even remotely similar to what he did yesterday and I'm changing seats today. That should send the message.

mxguy01 wrote:"I just want to tell a couple of people to get the fuck away from me" <- in other words I suspect this is really the case because that is sometimes how we protect ourselves when we are feeling hurt..
Eh, not really. I just try to be generally nice to everyone and some types of personality get to my nerves. I'm not picking fights with everyone, just sorting out the people I actually want to hang out with through the remainder of university.

@Derek, he's a generic twink with black straight hair, pinkish-white skin and glasses. Not unattractive, but not attractive either.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Derek » 19 September 2019, 18:21

"Generic twink" is one of the funniest ways you could describe a person.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby René » 19 September 2019, 18:45

mxguy01 wrote:
René wrote:
mxguy01 wrote:Now here's where my advice differs: You need something casual for a bit. Honestly that 18 yo virgin sounds perfect (a bit of me speaking in that bahahaha). Let him know the situation. One of convenience, just good times.

I'm sure I've misunderstood you — you're not suggesting it's a good idea to have sex with someone who has an reciprocated crush on you, are you?

What I'm suggesting is that he completely lay it out on the line to the guy: I have no interest in you really in that way (romantically/realationship). I'm pretty messed up in the head over my break up. But hey if you want to hang out and me show you around a bit wrt the gay scene thing....

You get the idea. Now if sex is part or not part of that IMO on that level doesn't matter much other than some mutual satisfaction.
mxguy01 wrote:I guess my point is if you can kill the crush thing [...]

I'm sure I'm not as experienced as you, but to me, this sounds like an excellent strategy if your goal is to mess the poor kid up in the head as much as you are in this scenario.

Offering sex to someone in such a vulnerable state seems downright cruel. You can't generally talk someone out of a crush using rational arguments, and being intimate with someone in that state will merely allow them to further delude themselves into seeing a possible future with you.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Derek » 19 September 2019, 19:09

Maybe the kid is just really horny and this is all his idea of pitching woo.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Eryx » 19 September 2019, 19:58

I wouldn't be surprised, he's only ever kissed one guy in his entire life. He's still at that "I want to meet someone special" stage. When I told him that guys ghost other guys at parties with "I'm going to check where my friends are", he said it was the most cruel thing ever. I mean, I guess...? It's sort of necessary sometimes.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby mxguy01 » 19 September 2019, 22:32

René wrote:
mxguy01 wrote:
René wrote:
mxguy01 wrote:Now here's where my advice differs: You need something casual for a bit. Honestly that 18 yo virgin sounds perfect (a bit of me speaking in that bahahaha). Let him know the situation. One of convenience, just good times.

I'm sure I've misunderstood you — you're not suggesting it's a good idea to have sex with someone who has an reciprocated crush on you, are you?

What I'm suggesting is that he completely lay it out on the line to the guy: I have no interest in you really in that way (romantically/realationship). I'm pretty messed up in the head over my break up. But hey if you want to hang out and me show you around a bit wrt the gay scene thing....

You get the idea. Now if sex is part or not part of that IMO on that level doesn't matter much other than some mutual satisfaction.
mxguy01 wrote:I guess my point is if you can kill the crush thing [...]

I'm sure I'm not as experienced as you, but to me, this sounds like an excellent strategy if your goal is to mess the poor kid up in the head as much as you are in this scenario.

Offering sex to someone in such a vulnerable state seems downright cruel. You can't generally talk someone out of a crush using rational arguments, and being intimate with someone in that state will merely allow them to further delude themselves into seeing a possible future with you.


Actually I get what your saying and agree. Even in general about appropriateness of the situation. Someone's first time should be special. Maybe be that friend to get him there. Or just flat out tell him and yes, in a way that slams the door and walk. Especially if you perceive in any way the "crush" isn't entirely extinguished.

The few 18yos on grindr (one actually), I basically gave the virtual pat on the head and told him to look for who he was really looking for. That was after a couple questions about why he didn't find someone in school, etc. I could have just blocked. Rather think I put in at least a little effort to redirect him before so.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby NvM » 20 September 2019, 02:37

post breakup i would just like the company of someone.
maybe a distraction while I re assemble myself
just be honest

it is difficult to rise above what people want to hear to tell them what they need to know.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Yeauxleaux » 20 September 2019, 20:38

René wrote:I'm sure I'm not as experienced as you, but to me, this sounds like an excellent strategy if your goal is to mess the poor kid up in the head as much as you are in this scenario.

Offering sex to someone in such a vulnerable state seems downright cruel. You can't generally talk someone out of a crush using rational arguments, and being intimate with someone in that state will merely allow them to further delude themselves into seeing a possible future with you.
I agree with this and I'm going to give anecdotal accounts of my teen years to expand on what you're saying.

At age 16-18 I had an extremely deep crush on a guy, that lasted the best part of two years (because I saw him every day at school, it was impossible to avoid him).

I was honestly pathetic with that crush, delusional, mentally unhealthy with it. I kept trying to look for "signs" that he might like me that were absolutely not there and I honestly knew that. I was obsessed with him. At that naive age in particular, rationality does very often fly out the window when it comes to crushes. It's an age where you fantasise and catch deep feelings very quickly and it can lead to a lot of foolishness, very reckless self-destructive behaviour, overdramatics. You are already vulnerable with whatever angsty teen insecurities you are dealing with at that age, throwing rejection from crushes on top of that is not healthy.

I also don't believe people at that age (especially if they are virgins or at least quite inexperienced) are capable of detaching the sexual act from romantic feelings. When I eventually lost my virginity I lost it on a casual hook-up, that I misguidedly and naively thought was a real date. I kinda knew tbh but I wanted it to be more. I just decided it was time to not be a virgin anymore and and I was done waiting for the whole "first love" thing. I was racing headlong towards the big 20 milestone. Ever fewer and fewer people around me, who were my age, were virgins who I could share the mutual experience of losing virginity with. There is a part of me that regrets how that happened for me, especially considering some (I'm gonna be honest) outright creepy behaviour I exhibited following it in how I treated the guy, who funnily enough was Brazilian like Eryx. This situation ended very badly.

I misguidedly thought the situation was more than what it was on his end. I wanted a relationship with him, he just saw me as a friend and fuck buddy, and I didn't recognise that until after. In hindsight I don't think he's a bad person at all, but at the time I did not react rationally to the realisation that was all he wanted. I behaved towards him in a way that I now cringe at and feel extremely embarrassed, that he probably remembers me very unfavourably because of it. The best thing I can say is I learned my lesson, like I'm sure many young gay men do, and became a lot healthier and sober in my approach to dating and hooking up since. However that doesn't undo that I acted like an idiot, and the guy has a right to hold me accountable for that even after my growth as a person.

All of the above, here, is what you have to take into consideration when someone in that "barely legal" age range has a crush on you. For me, it goes beyond me just not being physically attracted to boys, I just can't deal with the emotional baggage that comes with them.

I've also, since, been on the other side too, which is where I agree with this;
Eryx wrote:When I told him that guys ghost other guys at parties with "I'm going to check where my friends are", he said it was the most cruel thing ever. I mean, I guess...? It's sort of necessary sometimes.
Unfortunately, it is sometimes necessary.

Not all gay men (I say "men" very deliberately, we're not talking boys anymore) were as quick to catch on, learn and grow as I was.

Sometimes a guy just will. not. take. the. hint. The only solution in that situation is just to block and be done with the foolishness, because nothing good will come of that. He's not making himself any more attractive by persisting with a guy who isn't interested, and it's awkward too. Some of us just aren't good at rejecting people politely, it actually feels easier and politer sometimes to block than it would to flat-out say "sorry I'm just not into you.".
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Eryx » 23 September 2019, 21:13

I identify with you so much. On both perspectives. We've all been there. I just want to shake him off without hurting him.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby Bookmark » 26 September 2019, 19:37

Eryx wrote:I just want to shake him off without hurting him.


Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, but I know what you mean. It's an awkward situation.

You need to put yourself first though, you are still processing a difficult break up whilst trying to focus on your studies. This is just an added energy drain that you don't need and never asked for.
Hopefully he will read the signs and back off, and if not you may need to take the blunt approach just to burst his crush bubble for good. Lets hope he sees sense though.
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Re: I know it seems to soon, but I have yet another story!

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 27 September 2019, 08:40

Bookmark wrote:
Eryx wrote:I just want to shake him off without hurting him.


Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, but I know what you mean. It's an awkward situation.

You need to put yourself first though, you are still processing a difficult break up whilst trying to focus on your studies. This is just an added energy drain that you don't need and never asked for.
Hopefully he will read the signs and back off, and if not you may need to take the blunt approach just to burst his crush bubble for good. Lets hope he sees sense though.


I agree with bookmark. The best way is to just level with him. Will he be hurt? Yes, in the sense that he's probably quite convinced he's in love. As the previous posters have mentioned, at that age we're all a bit confused as to what the actual depth of our emotions are.

Good on you for sharing your experience and feelings though! Those of us who tend to rather bottle things up until they explode can learn a valuable lesson from you.
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