I lied by omission and now I feel like an a-hole.

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I lied by omission and now I feel like an a-hole.

Unread postby ChaoticPoet » 18 November 2021, 08:45

My boyfriend and I are both pre-transition transmen with currently untreated mental health issues. He's a little younger than me. We've been homeless for over a year. I've been employed for most of this time, but he's struggled to keep a job. We've essentially been living paycheck-to-paycheck. A good chunk of money has gone towards vehicle repair, and hotel stays. We both have a bad habit of "going left when life isn't going right" in the form of frivolous spending. It's really unhelpful when you're trying to trying to get life straightened out.

My current job allows me to make tips, but recently, a co-worker encouraged me to keep the tips secret from my boyfriend, and put them aside as money to treat myself to nice things. I partially, took this advice, and started stashing my tips somewhere else while he sleeps. I intended for this to be the beginning of a new emergency fund, since winter is approaching fast. He depleted the previous emergency stash, which was a jar of all our loose change, while I was at work or sleeping. This occurred over the course of a few days. It wasn't a lot of money, and he needed to eat.

Being dishonest with him in this way makes me feel like scum. Tonight he was telling me that he hopes I make some decent tips soon. We need to get gas, and the last of my paycheck from last week had to pay his phone bill. He's waiting on calls from prospective employers.

I'm at a loss for how to handle the situation going forward. I have never been good at lying, even by omission. I realize this neither a healthy, nor sustainable solution in the long run. I'm open to suggestions on a healthier way to enforce money boundaries while being truthful. I've already considered giving him a set allowance from my paychecks, until he gets a new job and starts getting paid.
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Re: I lied by omission and now I feel like an a-hole.

Unread postby pozzie » 18 November 2021, 14:39

So sorry to hear about your current state. While some are quite judgmental when others don't spend money in a fashion they consider wise, I think it's important to find a little bit for something extra, something special, whatever it might be, now and then, once in a while. But I get the sense this is happening more often than you're comfortable with AND you feel you're spending in a selfish way.

Now there are different takes: some are big on couples pooling their resources and incomes while others think it's perfectly acceptable to keep finances separate. You guys need to decide that in your relationship and it's not really for outsiders to tell you what's right and wrong. It's your call. I mean honestly, if you earn your tips and pay and want to give them to you bf to buy Coca-Cola and Gummi Bears, that's your business.

But there's really more to be concerned about here. Winter is coming. Your first paragraph clearly lists the real problems. You can't live healthy if you don't treat poor health. That absolutely includes your mental health. Why aren't you working on that? (And no, you don't have to explain that to me. You need to get that clear in your own mind and then figure out how to deal with it.)

I'm not about to tell you what your "home" should be - again, that's for you and your partner to decide. But without stability, both mental and physical health suffer. It's not a surprise that when one feels down, one seeks comfort in whatever way one can find -- you mention spending inappropriately. We should be glad you didn't say it was on street drugs or something. But, and this is probably the most important part, if you want to transition, you're going to need a bit more stability in your life. Figure out what you need to grow that stability from your regular employment to stable housing to medical care and on to some happiness in life (hopefully that you can afford).

No idea where you're at in the country, but regardless, it reads like you both are a bit adrift. Can you find a case manager? While my personal experiences haven't always been positive, you need to find someone who can help get you grounded. For example, most people with low incomes can qualify for free cell service (Lifeline). That might be a great way to free up some income, say for a savings account so you can put together some cash for a rental deposit. Again, depending where you are living, there might be a assistance to help with housing, but that's a tough one. I've heard that waitlists, where they are open, for Section 8 vouchers can be years long. My hope is a locally based case manager could offer you some guidance in dealing with things like that. And finally, if you don't know how to access medical care (including mental health care) they should be able to connect you to services if such exist in your town.

My hope would be that you can find someone who is trans aware and affirming. I also hope you have some support from other trans people, especially some that are further along in their own transitions. Clearly the road to health and happiness isn't something you'll be able to do all on your own. Good luck! and wishing you well.
— formerly pozboro
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Re: I lied by omission and now I feel like an a-hole.

Unread postby ChaoticPoet » 18 November 2021, 21:30

pozboro wrote:So sorry to hear about your current state. While some are quite judgmental when others don't spend money in a fashion they consider wise, I think it's important to find a little bit for something extra, something special, whatever it might be, now and then, once in a while. But I get the sense this is happening more often than you're comfortable with AND you feel you're spending in a selfish way.

Now there are different takes: some are big on couples pooling their resources and incomes while others think it's perfectly acceptable to keep finances separate. You guys need to decide that in your relationship and it's not really for outsiders to tell you what's right and wrong. It's your call. I mean honestly, if you earn your tips and pay and want to give them to you bf to buy Coca-Cola and Gummi Bears, that's your business.

But there's really more to be concerned about here. Winter is coming. Your first paragraph clearly lists the real problems. You can't live healthy if you don't treat poor health. That absolutely includes your mental health. Why aren't you working on that? (And no, you don't have to explain that to me. You need to get that clear in your own mind and then figure out how to deal with it.)

I'm not about to tell you what your "home" should be - again, that's for you and your partner to decide. But without stability, both mental and physical health suffer. It's not a surprise that when one feels down, one seeks comfort in whatever way one can find -- you mention spending inappropriately. We should be glad you didn't say it was on street drugs or something. But, and this is probably the most important part, if you want to transition, you're going to need a bit more stability in your life. Figure out what you need to grow that stability from your regular employment to stable housing to medical care and on to some happiness in life (hopefully that you can afford).

No idea where you're at in the country, but regardless, it reads like you both are a bit adrift. Can you find a case manager? While my personal experiences haven't always been positive, you need to find someone who can help get you grounded. For example, most people with low incomes can qualify for free cell service (Lifeline). That might be a great way to free up some income, say for a savings account so you can put together some cash for a rental deposit. Again, depending where you are living, there might be a assistance to help with housing, but that's a tough one. I've heard that waitlists, where they are open, for Section 8 vouchers can be years long. My hope is a locally based case manager could offer you some guidance in dealing with things like that. And finally, if you don't know how to access medical care (including mental health care) they should be able to connect you to services if such exist in your town.

My hope would be that you can find someone who is trans aware and affirming. I also hope you have some support from other trans people, especially some that are further along in their own transitions. Clearly the road to health and happiness isn't something you'll be able to do all on your own. Good luck! and wishing you well.

I came clean with him, and he's not at all upset. He said would never have suspected me of hiding money from him, It's completely out of character for me. He said it's my money to begin with so if I want to hold some back for myself it's ok. He really had no idea I was stressing myself out over sharing every little bit of income. Usually, what's mine is mine and his is his. Just with his most recent bout of being unemployed we had significantly less buffer to work with, after my own involuntary career change. Having to buy a new car battery took any possibility of a splurge out of the picture for my last paycheck.

We discussed how we're going to handle a few other things. We're going to figure life out.
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Re: I lied by omission and now I feel like an a-hole.

Unread postby pozzie » 18 November 2021, 21:54

ChaoticPoet wrote:We discussed how we're going to handle a few other things. We're going to figure life out.


While it all sounds good, this is the best part. :)
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