I need help

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I need help

Unread postby BakeyEggs » 5 April 2021, 18:47

Hello, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a full year now over the internet. We have tried our hardest to somehow meet up but Covid has always been in the way. We have arranged to meet in the summer, because school would be a problem. My boyfriend told me that he needs the physical part of the relationship a lot, he told me that if I am unable to get us to meet up before summer by the end of today we are going to have to end it but we will maybe get back together during the summer. The only way that could maybe work is if I were to come out to my parent's which I haven't because I have an extreme amount of anxiety. I really don't want to have to end our relationship but I don't think I can physically come out to my parent's at the moment, and even then us meeting up might not be any closer if I do. I genuinely think he's the one and I would not know what I would do if we ended it.
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Re: I need help

Unread postby Nicholas » 5 April 2021, 18:51

If he’s putting you in a situation that makes you feel stressed/anxious/pressured to do something you’re not ready for, I’m sorry to say that he probably isn’t “the one”.
Rocket_raccoon wrote:and Marmaduke you are a bitch.
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Re: I need help

Unread postby Marmaduke » 5 April 2021, 19:04

Ok, it’s going to sound patronising of me to say, but you’re 16. It’s probably your first time in a relationship, your first time developing feelings for someone. It’s all very intense. The rose tinted glass of youth and inexperience may perhaps be making things seem more...enduring and lifelong than they really are.

It’s great that you’ve been talking for a year, but his concerns are completely valid and it’s absolutely fair that he feels that the long-distance nature of this relationship doesn’t work for him. Even if you do come out to your parents and go visit him, it’s not a permanent move. You’re 16. And once your back home, you’re back in the situation you find yourself in now. If long-distance doesn’t work for him now, it’s not likely to work for him then.

In all likelihood, he feels the same about you as you feel about him. He has feelings for you. In an ideal world, he’d like to make it work. He certainly doesn’t seem to want to hurt you. But he knows it’s not working for him and he seems to understand that there isn’t a lot you two can do to bridge the gulf and make it work because you’re both 16.

I think you need to start accepting the fact that this relationship in its current state needs to change, otherwise you’re both going to end up resenting the other and permanently damaging the bond between you. The only change available to you is to step it down to friends for now. He clearly feels the need for some degree of physical intimacy, and that’s absolutely fair and absolutely understandable. And he can’t get what he needs from you. To borrow a Goopy term from Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s time to consciously uncouple.

Tell him you’d like to maintain contact on as similar terms as possible to now, and that you’re absolutely still interested in meeting in the summer, but for now there’s no formal relationship. The intimate aspect is dissolved. You’re just friends.

If you’re lucky, he’ll see that the freedom he thought he wanted to pursue something more physical isn’t what he wanted after all and that he’s readier than he realised to try and make the distance work. But you need to cut the cord to find out.

You need to ask yourself honestly if you can maintain the friendship whilst not getting romantically stuck. If you can’t be his friend and allow yourself to seek out other romantic opportunities then you’re probably better off cutting ties altogether, and that’s a conversation you should have with him and be quite frank about.

I’m sorry your relationship appears to be drawing to a close. Hopefully, it won’t be permanent. You need to treat it as if it is. It’s gonna suck. He’s your first boyfriend, the first person you’ve developed feelings for. I don’t think those feelings will ever go all the way away. You may always have feeling for him. You’ll find a way of dealing with them.
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