I need some advice!

Ask questions and discuss your relationships with partners or parents, family or friends.

I need some advice!

Unread postby thisisnotatest » 29 June 2020, 21:03

Hi everyone - I'm having a difficult time figuring out what to do. I went out with a guy back in September, we didn't really see each other again until January and we hung out three or four times between January and February. I asked him out on another date and we went on a first official date (I later learned he didn't think our going out in September was a date...even though I bought him tickets to the symphony, but I digress) at the end of March. We hung out again a couple weeks later, then a couple weeks later. At the end of April, I had a conversation with him asking him if he was interested in continuing to go out. He said that he wasn't ready for a relationship, but that he liked spending time with me. I suggested instead of just parting ways that we keep going out and revisit the conversation in a couple of months. We've been out on three - four more dates since then and we're at the end of June. During our last date, he mentioned that he moved very slowly in relationships, and I was like "good to know. I can be patient." At the end of the date, I said, "hey I appreciated you mentioning that you move slowly, because it helps to know that." His response was "I don't want you to put all your eggs in my basket. I like spending time with you, but I'm trying to figure out how to make room for a relationship in my life." I said, "I get that. Do you want to keep going out?" He paused, and then responded while nodding, "Yes. I do. I just don't want you to feel led on." I said, ok, well, let's keep getting to know each other. I want to keep seeing you, if you are ok with continuing to go out, because I enjoy spending time with you." He again said "I like spending time with you, too. And yes, I want to see you again." There's a lot of nuance missing, and this is too long already, but what is your read? A part of me feels like he's trying to be polite and doesn't really want to go out (although, he's told me and others that he will friendzone people if he's not interested); another part of me thinks that I should be patient and go with the flow. Another part just wants to cut things off now, because if he's this wishy-washy now, I need someone who will show up and show me that they want me instead of waiting for me to ask them out. I like him though, and don't want to cut him out too prematurely. Thoughts?
thisisnotatest
 
Posts: 3
Joined: 29 June 2020, 20:47
Country: United States (us)

Re: I need some advice!

Unread postby René » 29 June 2020, 21:41

Is he very special? Does he seem like he would be worth the wait?

Maybe say you don't want to rush him but you were just wondering if he's having any luck figuring out how to make room for a relationship in his life, or if he would maybe like to talk about it or something?
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 6018
+1s received: 1872
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Lanarkshire, Scotland / Maryland, USA
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: I need some advice!

Unread postby thisisnotatest » 29 June 2020, 21:47

That's good. Thanks. We've made plans for another date in 2.5 weeks. I'll make sure he knows I'm not trying to rush him. I wouldn't say he's very special, but I think he has potential to be someone special. That's why I'm wanting to make sure I don't cut it off prematurely; anything good is worth the wait, but I'm also not going to keep myself on the shelf until he makes up his mind. There just aren't a lot of options where I live. :/
thisisnotatest
 
Posts: 3
Joined: 29 June 2020, 20:47
Country: United States (us)

Re: I need some advice!

Unread postby ThatNomad » 29 June 2020, 21:54

I don't see him being upfront and honest as being wishy-washy frankly. Wishy-washy is being super into it one minute, and then telling you he isn't ready for a relationship with no real explanation the next. He's been steady about this the whole time from what you have said.

He's made it very clear that he is trying to figure out if he's interested. He's been totally honest about that, and has in no way pressured you into continuing the relationship, he's even given you an out. He seems like he is interested, but potentially unsure how ready he is for more than just casual dating, and he's been upfront about that as well. At this point the only thing I can say is that if you don't feel that the waiting is worth it, if you don't feel comfortable with the way it's going right now, and you don't want to continue you need to be just as honest as he has been and tell him you don't think you can continue to put in the time, energy, and effort unless you have some idea whether or not he's actually interested in this being more.

That's my take on it. But I still feel, based on just what you told us so far, that saying he's wishy-washy is disengenuous and not fair to him.
User avatar
ThatNomad
 
Posts: 130
+1s received: 68
Joined: 22 June 2020, 18:54
Country: United States (us)

Re: I need some advice!

Unread postby thisisnotatest » 29 June 2020, 22:01

You're right. I shouldn't have said wishy-washy. He has been upfront, but what is difficult to me is that he says he's not ready, but that he wants to keep seeing me, so I just don't know if he's saying that he wants to keep seeing me to be polite or not, but only he can answer that. I'll just feel it out the next time we go out in a couple of weeks.
thisisnotatest
 
Posts: 3
Joined: 29 June 2020, 20:47
Country: United States (us)

Re: I need some advice!

Unread postby Eos » 30 June 2020, 07:28

It's easy to find excuses in order not to see someone you don't want to see. He likes you, maybe not the way you want it to be, but he sounds like a good friend anyway.
Eos
 
Posts: 131
+1s received: 52
Joined: 2 April 2019, 07:30
Country: France (fr)

Re: I need some advice!

Unread postby Frigid » 30 June 2020, 12:19

Why rush the dating part?
poolerboy0077 wrote:Aren’t you a vegetarian? I hear your people’s farts are quite lethal. It doesn’t matter much if a volcano’s lip is clean when there lava pit is ready to burst at any unexpected moment.
User avatar
Frigid
 
Posts: 1601
+1s received: 281
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:23
Country: United Kingdom (gb)


Recently active
Users browsing this forum: CommonCrawl [Bot], John27 and 41 guests