I think I need to work on myself.

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I think I need to work on myself.

Unread postby Eos » 30 May 2021, 07:19

Hi !

Well as you may have noticed from my last thread, I am single again.

I'm not here to talk about the relationship in itself. But more of myself.

From my last relationship I've learned that I need to be more focused on how my partner should look like. And how he should be.

However there is this thing that keeps being on my mind and I think it ruins my chances of being with someone.

I want childrens. I know it doesn't look incredible, but the truth is that I'm too obsessed with it. I'm afraid I want more childs than I want to be in a relationship.
I am often concerned if my date want to have some as well, even if we haven't met yet.
I always try to make understand that it won't be in many years, until everything is stable.

You might ask why am I obsessed with this ? I already know the answer. It is because I lost my grandma and mom many years ago. I have been able to do my grief, but only at one price, to make sure I will be able to give my legacy into someone. My most personal wish is to be as kind as my grandma. She had this aura that made many people very happy just by being here. Even if I do know she was sad when she was alone. She deeply loved her children and grandchildren. I think despite all the bad things that happened with my mom, I've learned that she deeply loved her kids.

And that's all I want in life. However I don't think I can have, nor should I, love my partner the same way. It should be something different. Something "higher". Or I don't know.

I just think that I should stop projecting my self so much. But it's hard.

Can you guys help me ?
Eos
 
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Re: I think I need to work on myself.

Unread postby Eryx » 30 May 2021, 13:04

Lots of guys want to have kids, myself included. Navigating this shouldn't be any different from what happens in a heterosexual relationship, with the minor difference that there are probably more gay guys who don't want children than straight people.

Either way, all you have to do is get that information from the person you're starting to get to know right away. If you're currently out looking for someone, just ask if they'd like kids some day, make it part of the conversation obviously -- don't be a creep about it.

If it's something you can't do away with at all, then you can move on if the other person says they don't want children. Simple as that.

Bear in mind, however, that people change. I have gone for years not wanting kids at all to maybe wanting them to now wanting them. It's part of maturity and it's also part of figuring out what you want out of your life.

It seems you want kids regardless of the relationship you're in, it's the most important goal you have right now, so you should start looking into alternatives to have a kid even if you can't get a boyfriend. Because from what I've read in your other posts, you're still very naïve about relationships and I think you're looking for them just for the sake of being in them, rather than actually allowing yourself to fall in love with someone.

And being with someone just to be in a relationship, so that you can have children, won't get you the happiness you're looking for, rather it will prevent others from being happy as well.

Remember, whoever you end up with, your boyfriend will probably have goals of his own, he won't just be a trophy you can set in your living room and cross off the list of milestones needed to have a child.
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Re: I think I need to work on myself.

Unread postby McTaggartfan » 30 May 2021, 13:27

Eryx wrote:Lots of guys want to have kids, myself included. Navigating this shouldn't be any different from what happens in a heterosexual relationship, with the minor difference that there are probably more gay guys who don't want children than straight people.

Either way, all you have to do is get that information from the person you're starting to get to know right away. If you're currently out looking for someone, just ask if they'd like kids some day, make it part of the conversation obviously -- don't be a creep about it.

If it's something you can't do away with at all, then you can move on if the other person says they don't want children. Simple as that.

Bear in mind, however, that people change. I have gone for years not wanting kids at all to maybe wanting them to now wanting them. It's part of maturity and it's also part of figuring out what you want out of your life.

It seems you want kids regardless of the relationship you're in, it's the most important goal you have right now, so you should start looking into alternatives to have a kid even if you can't get a boyfriend. Because from what I've read in your other posts, you're still very naïve about relationships and I think you're looking for them just for the sake of being in them, rather than actually allowing yourself to fall in love with someone.

And being with someone just to be in a relationship, so that you can have children, won't get you the happiness you're looking for, rather it will prevent others from being happy as well.

Remember, whoever you end up with, your boyfriend will probably have goals of his own, he won't just be a trophy you can set in your living room and cross off the list of milestones needed to have a child.


You're so very good at dealing with these sort of posts. I'm envious of you in this respect :P
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Re: I think I need to work on myself.

Unread postby Eos » 30 May 2021, 15:10

"you're still very naïve about relationships and I think you're looking for them just for the sake of being in them, rather than actually allowing yourself to fall in love with someone."

I think you're right. On some part anyway.
I also don't think it is a good idea to have kid on your own. It is very difficult to manage your life and his on your own. Well that's my experience anyway when I see my single father or people who are single now in my family.


I'm not looking for happiness you know though? I am very happy single.

However, how do you know I am not allowing myself to be in love ? It's a genuine question.
And how can I change that ?

I'd like to calm myself with the will of having kids. I don't want to stress about it anymore. I don't know if I've been lucky, but I never met anyone who didn't want kids. So I should stop being so concerned about it.

I don't know why you think I had ever objectify my bf as a trophy though. I'd be very happy to be with someone to share our lifes.
Sure why not I might see it as step toward having children, but even then I really don't want to spend my life by myself (even with children).


But I really think that to allow myself to be in love I need to let go of this obsession.
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Re: I think I need to work on myself.

Unread postby Eryx » 30 May 2021, 21:55

@MgTaggartfan I'm envious of you in certain respects as well!

@Eos
You just give me the impression sometimes of someone who sees relationships as sort of an activity that everyone needs to partake in rather than something natural that is just kind of there.

Naturally, people date. Some people date one person after the other (and I'm sort of guilty in that way), some people never date, and some people date for years and stay single for years. But some people are actually always in and out of relationships because they feel they have to. And they really don't.

You've always made it a point that you're happy single, but you're also always finding different people and being hesitant about them. I honestly feel what you need is for someone to catch you when you least expect and get you out of that precise path you think things need to take to happen.
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Re: I think I need to work on myself.

Unread postby Eos » 31 May 2021, 06:25

Maybe you're right. But I don't see how it can happen. I don't have enough social activities to be able to meet people randomly. And even if I did, that would raise an issue for me, I would be anxious to know if he is gay or not. I know I can see the signs, just ask, but it's kinda a risk (I don't care about rejection, but homophobic reactions).

I find it easier to use those apps to meet people. We all know why we are here. I don't see how I could change that.
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