I tried to come out to my husband...

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I tried to come out to my husband...

Unread postby gemini232 » 9 December 2019, 09:24

Well I tried to come out, we have an open relationship/poly. The relationship itself hasnt been great for a while and I keep feeling taunted by my feelings for other women. I have always considered myself bi but now the idea of having sex with men doesnt feel completely right. I told him this and he was very upset. I said I understand how he feels but not to take it personally, I mostly just dont want to be penetrated. He was so upset and then I opened up about past sexual experiences and how I feel that I have been used and abused for others pleasure and that I want some space and alone time to figure this out. He said he doesnt want to lose me and basically the end result is that we are not having penetrative sex right now but just foreplay, cuddling and kissing etc. I feel completely disappointed in myself and now feel that I have to go through the motions of this plan but I just want to go out and meet some girls. I dont know if I am gay or swerving more to that side or if I just have some emotional trauma to deal with, but even if thats the case I feel unhappy about how the talk went down and not really sure what to do next.
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Re: I tried to come out to my husband...

Unread postby Eos » 9 December 2019, 10:01

This must be difficult for both of you.
I understand you feel bad but you're human, you don't get to choose what you feel. However I don't know if you are 100 % sure that seeing women is what you want. It can be just a temporary thought and it would be bad to end a relationship for that. I think you need to think this through, try to talk with friends or professional help, to make up your mind.
And if after this work you still need to see womans then go for it. There is some things you can't control.

It's my opinion I might be wrong.
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Re: I tried to come out to my husband...

Unread postby René » 9 December 2019, 10:11

It does sound like you could do with seeing a sex counsellor/therapist of some kind...but hopefully you'll get some useful advice here too. :)
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Re: I tried to come out to my husband...

Unread postby gemini232 » 9 December 2019, 10:50

Thank you for the replies, would speaking to somebody at relate help me? Are there any other services/places I could get help?

I feel like I need to have some genuine experiences with women before I am ready to make any decisions. I feel like I know that I am gay but need to experiment and test before I can say it. But I also feel that its wrong to want to meet women whilst I am confused, married and basically not totally available. Even if I am totally honest it feels like I would using that person.
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Re: I tried to come out to my husband...

Unread postby René » 9 December 2019, 11:00

gemini232 wrote:Thank you for the replies, would speaking to somebody at relate help me? Are there any other services/places I could get help?

I imagine Relate would be good! They specifically say they provide advice on both marriage and LGBT issues.

I'm not familiar with any other services like that that operate across the UK, but alternatively you might also be able to find a smaller local place that offers this kind of counselling.
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Re: I tried to come out to my husband...

Unread postby Eryx » 9 December 2019, 19:30

If he acted more openly towards your feelings, maybe you could try something together, getting another girl in the relationship and whatnot. But from what you shared, I feel like he'd probably feel bad or jealous about it, so it doesn't seem like the best route to take.

If you're really interested in him and in being with him, give it a try to keep things the way they are... but don't force it, if you really don't feel fulfilled you will need to try things out for yourself, even if it amounts to you figuring out you actually do prefer men. It sucks to have an urge to try things out and not being able to do them. It doesn't go away, it only piles up.

Your issue is complex because even being penetrated can be so wildly different! I thought I knew what I was doing for the most part after my 18 years, but with the person I'm with right now I'm realizing the variables are much more important, and that every dick is a different story. Do you find all of being penetrated undesirable, or is it that maybe a different experience (length, orientation, foreplay, body type...) would make you feel different? It's something you need to meditate about.

I'm also concerned that he'd probably be frustrated after a while by not penetrating. Masturbation can go a long way, but it's just not enough.

I wish you two luck and I hope you feel better about your situation soon! You can count on me if you need to come back and share a little more.
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Re: I tried to come out to my husband...

Unread postby gemini232 » 10 December 2019, 10:52

Eryx wrote:If he acted more openly towards your feelings, maybe you could try something together, getting another girl in the relationship and whatnot. But from what you shared, I feel like he'd probably feel bad or jealous about it, so it doesn't seem like the best route to take.

If you're really interested in him and in being with him, give it a try to keep things the way they are... but don't force it, if you really don't feel fulfilled you will need to try things out for yourself, even if it amounts to you figuring out you actually do prefer men. It sucks to have an urge to try things out and not being able to do them. It doesn't go away, it only piles up.

Your issue is complex because even being penetrated can be so wildly different! I thought I knew what I was doing for the most part after my 18 years, but with the person I'm with right now I'm realizing the variables are much more important, and that every dick is a different story. Do you find all of being penetrated undesirable, or is it that maybe a different experience (length, orientation, foreplay, body type...) would make you feel different? It's something you need to meditate about.

I'm also concerned that he'd probably be frustrated after a while by not penetrating. Masturbation can go a long way, but it's just not enough.

I wish you two luck and I hope you feel better about your situation soon! You can count on me if you need to come back and share a little more.




Thank you so much for your reply, I am concerned that he would become frustrated, we normally have a lot of sex. We have had a 4some before and recently set a profile up for myself on fabswingers to meet girls but I dare not even bring that up right now. He has said I can book into relate whenever I am ready, which was a nice surprise as I was expecting it to be a wait until we have more money spare (joint account only) I am trying to give him a couple of weeks to process what I have said before I start getting annoyed that my feelings are being ignored here. Part of me feels that my feelings could be down to being too much of a giver (i have been working as a naked cleaner, i have 4 kids to look after and have a people pleaser personality) and down to a few bad sexual experiences but I have also avoided meeting up with girls when I have had the chance because I am scared that I wont want to go back. When I was in my teens I could never find gay/bi girls that I was attracted to.

I dont even know what I mean by not wanting to be penetrated right now, I have never liked toys, I had never had an orgasm until I met my husband, I still cant bring myself to orgasm without at least messaging another person. I told my husband that I have no time to daydream and have fantasys and he didnt seem to understand why that was an issue, but I said he has probably enjoyed a lot of fantasys over the years but as I had kids so young I have not had the time and its a self care practice in many ways. Sex just feels like I am being taken from.

You are right it doesnt go away and it has been getting bigger and piling up. Whenever I meet a gay person inside I feel like I am about to explode and I really want to tell them how I feel. None of my friends are gay but a few aqquaintances are. This week I discovered a colleague is gay and I spent the whole day thinking about how I feel about men and women and sometimes it feels so obvious and certain and other times I just feel damaged. Thank you again xxx
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Re: I tried to come out to my husband...

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 10 December 2019, 11:01

Hi Gemma.
Wow. I have been following your story so far and cannot even begin to imagine how tough it must be in your situation. So far the others have given some really good advice (in my opinion), but in the end the decision remains yours.

It's really great that you have been honest with your husband and told him how you are feeling. Another thing to keep in mind is that you have had some time to start to process your feelings and attraction. For him, this is all still really new so I imagine it will take him some time to really come to terms with it.

I think it's great that he has agreed to Relate as well. Strongs and please continue to keep us updated.
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Re: I tried to come out to my husband...

Unread postby Eryx » 10 December 2019, 19:21

That's so hard, I'm sorry you have to go through this! I personally don't know what else to tell you, I've never been in your situation before. I just hope you can get to the best solution for everyone involved, and I hope you get to do everything you need to feel satisfied with yourself! Everyone deserves that.

I'm proud of you for being a good mother and being open with your husband, not everyone would choose to do that, and it's commendable. Sometimes life just deals us bad cards and we have to deal with them, but I feel like you're a very decent person from what you shared, and you can get through this.
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Re: I tried to come out to my husband...

Unread postby gemini232 » 11 December 2019, 10:37

So last night things were normal and fine and then he said to me 'I have to ask this before we go to bed, I have thought more about what you said and do you think you are gay? Because I dont want to lose you and now I am scared you will leave me for a woman' I told him that I didnt know and couldnt promise him anything. He apologised for being part of the problem, for taking me for granted, acting moody and depressed, not helping and thinking I wouldnt leave him. He wanted reassurance that I was still sexually attracted to him and I told him that I am less attracted to him than I was, but it is hard to be attracted to someone when I spend a lot of the day being annoyed at stuff he hasnt done, upset that he has shouted at the kids and I feel like I am carrying him through life. I have told him in the past I want to separate/get divorced he apologises and says he will do more but now it feels like he has actually heard me and seemed genuinely scared enough to make changes. I said I am pleased that he understands this because I have tried to get him to understand for so long now.

This was frustrating because I wasnt trying to improve the marriage, I was trying to come out, even just coming out as confused iykwim. Even though I am confused and dont feel ready, I feel trapped at the same time.

He said it is up to me to decide if I am going to actively still look to meet a girl, he feels scared and insecure but still finds it arousing and wants me to be happy. I am trying to decide if I should have therapy first. Anyway today I have about 80+ christmas presents to wrap to keep me busy. Thanks for listening. I think whether people read this or not I will try and keep it updated xx
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