I've embarrassed my family with my past....

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I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby sirant » 16 July 2021, 16:50

Hi Everyone. I have been trying to post here for an hour, nothing is working. Will just give up if this one doesn't work.

Though not gay myself, I have been a member of the gay community since birth, as I was "raised" by a lesbian mother. She was also a misandrist (person who hates men) and made my life a living hell of physical and emotional abuse until the age of 15, when I was big enough to stand up to her, and left home to make my own way.

At 52 years old I am desperate to share my story, if only to get it off my chest after so long. As I am not a good writer and lack the patience to write a book, I decided to create a podcast so I can share my story. However. That has gone south too... My last 2 supporters in the universe (wife and daughter) have decided my past is too embarrassing and could, somehow, lead to their own social media accounts being affected, because some super troll found them from my voice and a 40+ year old photo on my podcast...

They want me to stop and be silent. I told them this was important to me, and they have now shunned me. They don't talk to me, look at me or interact in any way.

Do I give up on sharing my story forever because they are embarrassed of me?
Do I keep going so it doesn't continue to eat me up inside?
I literally feel like I am dying inside....

What do you think I should do??

Ant
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Re: I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby sirant » 16 July 2021, 16:54

I do want to share my story, regardless of what they think. I think my pain trumps their "embarrassment". I am going to post the link to my podcast here. (Hope thats ok) if anyone wants to see it. I need to get this out of me somehow. It breaks my heart I don't have their support. But so be it. I now worry they will just leave me alone and destitute... Here is the link:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEhZ0Xq7WB_o5k0Dc7nIHbg

Thanks everyone. Going to go back to bed now and try to sleep. I won't, but at least it gets me away from their judgmental looks...
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Re: I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby sirant » 16 July 2021, 16:56

Here is the link if you are interested.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEhZ0X ... k0Dc7nIHbg
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Re: I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby sirant » 16 July 2021, 16:59

Can I share the link to my podcast here? Or is that a no-no?
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Re: I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 July 2021, 17:09

I’m gonna be honest with you, I don’t see the link between your mother being a lesbian and your thinking that this is the forum to advertise your podcast. Also, a podcast is not really the traditional format for the cathartic recitation of past trauma. Have you given thought to perhaps speaking to a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist?
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Re: I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby sirant » 16 July 2021, 17:16

I asked about the podcast on purpose, no need to snarl...

You could always just not read my posts, instead of being a self-important troll looking to get attention from my pain.
Thanks.

I did seek *professional* help in the past and they wanted to use electroshock therapy. No thanks. I thought I might get some understanding from a community I have been a part of my entire life, as the straight community obviously isn't interested.
Thanks again for your compassion.
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Re: I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 July 2021, 17:19

If that’s what you’re classifying as snarl, as some sort of personal affront, I think telling your story over a podcast is a mistake. It’s the internet, not everyone is gonna like what you post. The more personal the topic, the deeper that negativity is gonna cut. This seems pretty personal, and I don’t think you’d stand up to a wound that deep.

But sure, if you think you know best, by all means. Post your podcast. I’ll give it a listen.
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Re: I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby sirant » 16 July 2021, 17:44

I took your "assumption" I was just here to promote my podcast as a snarl, and it was. I don't take anything personally by it, but I also reserve the right to respond. Kind of what "forums" are all about. I purposefully asked if I could post my postcast instead of just dumping and running. It helps me get my ideas out in a coherent form because typing is difficult for me, but I overall, I am here for communication, not advertising.

For the record, (not that it is any of your business) I have tried professional help and did not like the idea of being on scary drugs everyday of my life or getting electroshock therapy because I wanted to talk to someone. With the onset of COVID and no doctors taking new patients, massive $$$$ I can't afford, even if they were, the total separation now of my family and loved ones, and the fact I lived overseas for over a decade, I literally have nobody left. The internet is what I have left.

Growing up with a misandrist lesbian has had a PROFOUND affect on my entire life. I figured if nothing else, I might find a supportive environment that I could share in here, and possibly get some support with people who have indirectly gone through the same process, from either side.

I will post my link once I hear from a moderator saying it is OK.
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Re: I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 July 2021, 17:52

We’re a pretty close knit mob, none of us have been through anything even indirectly similar to being raised by a mother who hated us on the grounds of gender. Nor do I really agree with you being part of the LGBT community because a family member was LGBT. That’s not really how it works. Like, we don’t owe you understanding because we’re LGBT and the person who abused you was LGBT. We aren’t responsible for her by association.

Your wife and daughter, the two people who should be the last people to stop supporting you, have both apparently disowned you off of the back of this. You’ve sought professional help, and apparently a diagnosis has been reached because treatments have been suggested. I’m not sure it’s constructive to take the opinions of medical professionals, dismiss them as scary and assume that you’ll get the same result through a presumably poorly produced and no doubt laboriously long podcast which you’ve broadcast to a group of people that have nothing in common with you or your experiences.

This seems like a bit of a farce.
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Re: I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby Brenden » 16 July 2021, 18:20

sirant wrote:Can I share the link to my podcast here? Or is that a no-no?

It got caught by our spam filter. Please note that we don't allow self-promotion.
Disclaimer: All views expressed in my posts are my own and do not reflect the views of this forum except when otherwise stated or this signature is not present.

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Re: I've embarrassed my family with my past....

Unread postby pozboro » 16 July 2021, 19:59

I don't think it's that unusual for families to not like the airing of "dirty laundry". In my own dysfunctional, intentionally distanced family of origin, some members wouldn't tell you what they had for breakfast if you asked nicely while others share just about everything - even the things others don't want shared.

People have different processes to cope with their trauma. I'm sorry the OP hasn't been offered better alternatives to mental health care than electoshock - maybe other avenues should be investigated since this reads like the perfect opportunity for talk therapy. After all, isn't that what one would be doing on a podcast anyway? (BTW, not sure I've ever listened to a podcast in my life.) There's a huge problem with looking to the internet for advice - unless one finds the right advisors, one risks getting bad advice and sometimes that becomes intentionally bad. Bad actors behave badly online, but that can't come as a surprise. And while not all advice received in therapy turns out to to be 'good', if a therapist intentionally gives bad advice, that's called malpractice - and there are rather strong disincentives that deal with that. Internet? Not so much.

There's also the issue that this forum appears largely visited by gay men - or have I missed something along the way? While some or maybe even all of us have had close lesbian friends, to have a close lesbian friend rather means we haven't run up against a long-term relationship with a one who is also a misandrist. So there is at least a bit of a disconnect.
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