In love with a ‘straight’ guy - but with a twist

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In love with a ‘straight guy’ - but with a twist

Unread postby Randomtrees » 29 May 2019, 00:44

So I’ll try to keep this short. I am looking for advice, but I will give some back story first.

I’m 27 and gay, when I was about 16-17 I developed a crush on this guy in my high school class. He was straight, very much so and between then and current time I know he’s hooked up with several women and even dated one woman for a year when he was like 24 but she broke up with him for some reason. But nevertheless, I became friends with him and eventually throughout the years he became my best friend, and I also fell in love with him. When we were 19, we lived together for about a year. About a month after we moved in, we went out one night, had a few drinks, and came back home. We were sitting in my bedroom and I’m not sure what the conversation was about prior to this, but at some point he asked me point blank “do you want to fuck?”. I literally froze. I had never had full on sex with a guy, which played heavily into my fear. Also, I assumed that if we did have sex, it would mean far more to me than it would to him - for him I had assumed it was just to get off, while for me it would’ve been about how much I loved him. Lastly, I was afraid that if we did fuck, our relationship as it was then would’ve been irreparably damaged once he woke up the next day and began to regret what he had done. I felt that I would’ve rather had him as my best friend than have him avoid me and our friendship destroyed. So, I expressed some of my fears to him on a largely surface level and he gave me a 30 second countdown to decide yes or no before he went to bed and ultimately I said no. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and to this day I regret saying no more than anything else in my life that I regret. In retrospect, what I feared would happen if I said yes to him happened anyway. We became more distant. And throughout the years often one or two years goes by between us seeing each other. My fear that the sex would be meaningless to him and my desire to have meaningful sex with someone who was mutually in love with me went to shit because after that night I just started totally disrespecting my values and having sex with anyone I could. I would try to get them to fall for me only to crush their hopes - just as I felt had been done to me. Anyway, After that night, he stonewalled several of my attempts to talk to him about it. I somewhat confessed to him how I felt about him but was stonewalled again. I was a wreck. This event made me spiral into a two year depression where I delved very deeply into destructive behavior, addiction, and mental anguish that to this day I am working on finding my way out of. Because to this day I am still in love with him. He claims to be straight still. One of the few things he said to me in the immediate aftermath of that night was that he was just drunk - but I can attest to that not being the case. He wasn’t drunk.

Now about what I am asking advice for. Recently I was talking to someone about all of this and she had mentioned that it seemed like I had rejected him, and maybe all that had happened since then was caused by him feeling rejected and if he is actually gay But closeted then my rejection of him caused him to say fuck it I’ll just stay straight. So he comments about what happened have been causing me to reflect heavily on what happened. Also Recently I have been in touch with the guy again and we are supposed to be hanging out sometime in the next week. I am wondering if I should just try to talk to him about it, since it’s been nearly a decade since it happened. I want to tell him that I am in love with him and have been for all this time. I want to tell him that I regret telling him no more than anything. But is this a good idea? I want to know what I should do. My love for him has tormented me for so many years. I would die for this guy. I would do anything for him. I want him to know that there’s someone out there in the world that feels that way about him because I want him to know that he is such an incredible person. I feel like I’ve already been through the hell I wanted to avoid when I told him no, and that I have nothing to lose. I feel like I need a hard no from him to move on with my life. Otherwise I will never be able to have a successful relationship with someone else because he will also resemble perfection to me and no one else can compete. If I get a hard no from him then maybe I can hope to one day forget about him and see potential with loving someone else. But I don’t want to make him uncomfortable by bringing this up so many years later. What would you do in my place?
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PostThis post was deleted by Brenden on 29 May 2019, 09:17.
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Re: In love with a ‘straight’ guy - but with a twist

Unread postby Eryx » 29 May 2019, 12:23

I can't really say. It's been too long. I would probably focus more on moving on than getting somewhere with this guy, mostly because his sexuality is complicated and that would be annoying to me (I've already been out and about for too long and closeted/confused guys simply don't do it for me anymore). Plus he could react badly if you touch on this after all this time... but I don't know him or you personally, so it's really hard to make a prediction.

I did tell my best friend that I was in love with him when we were teenagers all the way leading up to my 18th birthday, but I finally realized my affection for him was more brotherly than anything else, and once I started focusing on seeing other people's qualities, I was able to fall in love for someone else. I think it would be the best course of action for you as well, but again, I don't know you two and things could be different.

Just be sure that no matter what you do when you meet up, that you can be strong and resolved for the follow-up, regardless of how he reacts. Or just focus on rebuilding your friendship with him and finding someone else to be in love with. 99.9% of the time, the unattainable guy we fall for isn't really that perfect, but we're so focused on our idealized versions of them that we can't really see it. Also, think about this: if he isn't interested and tells you so now, is your life over? Countless people before you have managed to overcome past infatuations, and countless more after you will be able to do so as well. Why can't you?

One fact of life is that we often don't get what we want. What we do with that frustration is what might make us stronger human beings.

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