Is it too soon to move in together?

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Is it too soon to move in together?

Unread postby Ripley » 11 December 2019, 05:22

So I've been dating my current boyfriend for the past two months and I'm over-the-moon stupid happy. In fact, I think this is the happiest I've been in the past decade. We met about three months ago and casually dated for one month and then became monogamous. Everything has been going great and I'm completely in love with him. We have the best time together and have a really strong connection.

However, he was recently laid-off from his job and has shared with me that he is no longer able to afford the rent in our area (Southern California) and will be forced to move by the end of February. He has expressed an interest to move in together but I was initially a bit hesitant. If I do not agree to move in with him I'm afraid he will be forced to move to Seattle Washington and live with family which would force us to either break up or try for a long-distance relationship.

I should share that I'm 30 years old and have never lived with a boyfriend before. I spent a majority of my twenties living with my parents so that I could build up my savings. I have spent a considerable amount of time with my boyfriend at his apartment and I don't have any hesitations about him. My main concern is that it is too soon in the relationship, but given the options I'm not sure I have much of a decision. I don't think I would forgive myself if I let this relationship slip through my fingers.

I've also considered the possibility of assisting him financially for an additional three months to buy myself some time and see where the relationship goes. I think I'd be more comfortable with the idea of moving in together if I had a bit more time. I have the financial means to assist with his bills until April/May but I'm not sure if this would make for a healthy dynamic.

I see the following options:
- Move in together
- Try a long distance relationship
- Break up
- Assist him financially

At this point I guess I'm just emotionally exhausted and could really use some advice, any advice really. Has anyone else moved in with a significant other less than 6 months into a relationship? Does anyone have experience in a long distance relationship and how to make it work?
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Re: Is it too soon to move in together?

Unread postby Eryx » 11 December 2019, 19:25

My first relationship, I moved in with my ex after our three months together in a long distance relationship. By that point we had spent a month and a half physically together, so I also thought it might have been too soon, plus I was really young so I wasn't sure about anything I was doing.

Anyway, it worked well for the most part, we were both easy to deal with and kept things organized. The relationship mellowed out way sooner than it might have if we weren't living together, but the constant presence of your loved one next to you can do that and it's not necessarily negative.

We broke up eventually, but by then we had lived together for 4 years and our break-up had nothing to do with our living arrangements.

If I were you, I think I'd probably offer a place to stay, if it works then great, if there are issues you can always just tell him you're having him over until he can manage to pay rent on his own, then it will buy some time for the two of you to figure out if living together is going to work at this point in the relationship.

I agree assisting him financially might prove to be something that causes strains to your relationship, he may feel like he owes you something -- time together, extra emotional affection or whatever -- and it might also do weird things to your brain. It can work, and sometimes it does, but it's not the first route I'd take.

Long distance relationships absolutely suck and I'd never advise them. I know they work for some people but I'm not into it at all.

Good luck with whatever path you choose!
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Re: Is it too soon to move in together?

Unread postby mxguy01 » 11 December 2019, 20:17

Just a thought: Myself I could never tolerate someone to be dependent on me. That however does not mean you can't help out to some degree. Think if it would work for you to tell him that if by the end of Feb he has not found replacement income that he can move in with you short-term. Maybe go as far as to say end of June. With 2.5 months until Feb and three months after that, if he has not found some sort of income to support himself, well then you'll have to cross that bridge. I suggest a bit of forethought to figure out how things might play out for the good or for the bad and how you will handle that.
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Re: Is it too soon to move in together?

Unread postby Jzone » 12 December 2019, 00:58

I agree with the last two posts. If I were you, I would offer him a place to stay for a set amount of time — 3 or 4 months — after which you agree to reevaluate the situation. Hopefully things will be great and you will end up as life-long partners. In any case, you will learn more about each other by living together.

If you just take him in because he is in need and you hope for the best... Let's just say that has been tried countless times by many starry-eyed lovers. There are ballads, novels, and sagas written about them. You are old enough to be a little more realistic, as much as you want him to be the one.
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Re: Is it too soon to move in together?

Unread postby homomorphism » 12 December 2019, 02:05

About letting your partner live with you for a few months:

Are you renting a place? Would he move in there? Or would you get a new place together?

If you're a renter, your lease very likely stipulates how long guests can stay. If you violate this, you can be evicted. Your ways around a potential eviction are either to sublease half the room or whatever to your partner or to try and have your boyfriend added as a cotenant. You would need to consult your lease as to whether or not you can sublease your place and will need to talk to your landlord regardless.


What if you get to the end of it and your boyfriend still doesn't have a job or can't afford your rent, but you still haven't made up your mind? What if you just don't like living together? Are you going to toss him out? That could be difficult, especially if he doesn't have other options.

Practically speaking, it puts a really weird stress on your relationship to decide whether or not you want to stay together, and is going to impose a pretty serious power dynamic into your relationship.

Does anyone have experience in a long distance relationship and how to make it work?


In my last relationship, I did this twice -- once when my mother was dying (we had been dating for ~4-5 months at that point), and once when I moved out of state for work (we had been dating for 3.5 years at that point). We broke up after almost 7 years, so you could say it kind of worked? At the very least, living apart isn't what led to us breaking up. There's no real secret to it though. It's a shitty experience, and, unless you have firmly established a timeline for when you'll be back together, I don't think it works well.

The other complication here is that, if I were moving from WA to CA for a guy, I'd kind of expect that move to be a move-in situation. So it sounds like you'd still need to decide if you want to live with him, even if you end up doing the long-distance thing. And, since he's looking for work, there's not really any telling that he's going to find a job in your area. Since you aren't ready to move in together now, how likely do you think it is that he'll exclusively look where you're living?

Only you know how you feel about this guy and if maintaining things seems worth the exhaustion. If I could go back and counsel my younger self while totally divorced from the situation, I would've advised myself to break up both times.
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Re: Is it too soon to move in together?

Unread postby Ripley » 12 December 2019, 17:47

Thank you all for the awesome advice, I really do appreciate it!
Yeah, it's a complicated situation to have so early on in a relationship. He just left to spend a few days with his family in Seattle to see if he would even like it there. I'll talk more with him about it in person on Sunday when I pick him up from the airport. Unfortunately, my current living situation wouldn't be able to accommodate his large dog (I'm not even supposed to have pets). Will update you guys with what we decide to do.
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PostThis post was deleted by Ripley on 12 December 2019, 17:48.
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Re: Is it too soon to move in together?

Unread postby mxguy01 » 13 December 2019, 01:06

Ripley wrote:Thank you all for the awesome advice, I really do appreciate it!
Yeah, it's a complicated situation to have so early on in a relationship. He just left to spend a few days with his family in Seattle to see if he would even like it there. I'll talk more with him about it in person on Sunday when I pick him up from the airport. Unfortunately, my current living situation wouldn't be able to accommodate his large dog (I'm not even supposed to have pets). Will update you guys with what we decide to do.


This time of year he should notice the lack of seeing actual sunlight. Few clear days in Seattle.
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Re: Is it too soon to move in together?

Unread postby Ripley » 24 December 2019, 06:52

Ugh, so update time:

I spoke to my boyfriend about the moving situation and it looks like we will be playing the waiting game to see where he gets a job before the end of February. He absolutely loved it in Seattle during his visit with family. If he is offered a job in Seattle, he will most likely take it and then we may try doing the long distance thing. If he is offered a job in Southern California, I have offered him a temporary place to stay until he can get back on his feet.

I'm still not loving the potential idea of trying the long distance thing if it comes to that, but at least I know I've done everything I can on my end.

Ugh, why are relationships so complicated? :sadblue:
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