Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

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Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby 24andoverit » 5 July 2019, 01:31

Hey guys,

Im just going to dive in. I started dating a guy that is 10 years older than me and 10 years worth of baggage. He and his partner of a decade split last year and decided to remain friends. I've tried to look past it but I admit, I let my insecurities get the better of me.

About a month ago, we decided to just be friends.. reason being, He is trying to build his career and he cant give me the time I deserve. But he is very attracted to me, loves my family, but felt that he got ahead of himself in the moving on department. (enough time hasnt passed)

Lastnight, drunkenly, I was with a friend and we road by the exe's house. He was there and I freaked out. I called him to come out and explain himself. I screamed, spat, and threw a drink at him (water). He was very upset and told me that a lot of friends were over and they were all hanging out as a group and the two of them have no intentions of getting back together.

I stormed off, not listening to any of it. He called my parents worried that I would do something dangerous.

Here is where my question comes in.. We've only dated for the past five months but I really fell for him. Thats why I was so hurt. Do I need to just move on at this point or is there anything else I should do to rectify? Obviously I want to apologize for my drunken erratic and immature behavior. But when? Ive felt awful all day because of this.

Thank you
B
sincerely, B


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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby Eryx » 5 July 2019, 11:09

I think it's fine for you to apologize now, depending on how he is, but you should probably move on. Or at the very least let things calm down before trying anything with him (or let him come to you).
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby 24andoverit » 5 July 2019, 11:24

thank you. so far thats all that my friends and family have said. I guess when you dont want to accept it, you search for other answers
sincerely, B


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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby Jryski » 6 July 2019, 01:45

That was hella immature. I blame the alcohol for that one lol. If he loves you, then Im sure that he'll love to hear an apology from you. Calling your parents and telling them that he's worried that you'll do something dangerous? Ummm what? Seems like ya both have a flair for the dramatics. Cute
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 6 July 2019, 05:44

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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby René » 7 July 2019, 10:17

There might be more hope (both for this relationship and for any future ones) if you make a change that would prevent such incidents in the future, like giving up alcohol.

Not saying you have a particular problem with alcohol, but I've heard so many stories of it destroying lives and relationships, not to mention the health problems it causes and the potential for addiction, that it just seems like one of the dumbest drugs you can take.
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby Eryx » 7 July 2019, 20:39

René wrote:like giving up alcohol
That's kind of an extreme thing to say to someone who's only had one outburst and without you having any more context, wouldn't you think?
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby René » 7 July 2019, 22:01

Eryx wrote:
René wrote:like giving up alcohol

That's kind of an extreme thing to say to someone who's only had one outburst and without you having any more context, wouldn't you think?

I think it's a sad state of affairs when the suggestion of quitting what is objectively one of the most harmful recreational drugs out there is considered extreme. Especially when excessive use of said drug has already clearly caused a person great interpersonal difficulties. Truly sad.

Had it been the use of methamphetamine or cocaine that led to this outburst, I don't think anyone would hesitate to suggest that it might be time for the person in question to re-evaluate their relationship with this potentially dangerous substance. But somehow since it's alcohol and everyone uses it, it's okay. It's not. We shouldn't have double standards.
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby Jzone » 7 July 2019, 23:02

René wrote:
Eryx wrote:
René wrote:like giving up alcohol

That's kind of an extreme thing to say to someone who's only had one outburst and without you having any more context, wouldn't you think?

I think it's a sad state of affairs when the suggestion of quitting what is objectively one of the most harmful recreational drugs out there is considered extreme. Especially when excessive use of said drug has already clearly caused a person great interpersonal difficulties. Truly sad.

Had it been the use of methamphetamine or cocaine that led to this outburst, I don't think anyone would hesitate to suggest that it might be time for the person in question to re-evaluate their relationship with this potentially dangerous drug. But somehow since it's alcohol and everyone uses it, it's okay. It's not. We shouldn't have double standards.

That's a fair point, but we should consider that drug use exists in a cultural context. The fact that alcohol use/abuse is about as old as humanity bears some weight in how we relate to it. While it may make sense to have more strict regulations regarding alcohol than cannabis (for example), getting there is no easy trick. Remember in the US we tried to ban alcohol entirely a century ago and that didn't work out so well.

If an individual has a problem with alcohol — or any drug — that negatively impacts their life and relationships, suggesting they quit seems entirely reasonable.
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby Stephen68 » 7 July 2019, 23:14

Alcohol is the socially acceptable drug and the hardest one to quit
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 7 July 2019, 23:52

Jzone wrote:That's a fair point, but we should consider that drug use exists in a cultural context. The fact that alcohol use/abuse is about as old as humanity bears some weight in how we relate to it. While it may make sense to have more strict regulations regarding alcohol than cannabis (for example), getting there is no easy trick. Remember in the US we tried to ban alcohol entirely a century ago and that didn't work out so well.

It’s also quite arrogant to tell people who’ve for centuries enjoyed these traditions to suddenly abandon them for the sake of their wellbeing. Who are we to cast judgment on Africans chasing albinos for their limbs or the Etoro shooting loads into their young?
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby Eryx » 8 July 2019, 04:49

René wrote:I think it's a sad state of affairs when the suggestion of quitting what is objectively one of the most harmful recreational drugs out there is considered extreme. Especially when excessive use of said drug has already clearly caused a person great interpersonal difficulties. Truly sad.

Had it been the use of methamphetamine or cocaine that led to this outburst, I don't think anyone would hesitate to suggest that it might be time for the person in question to re-evaluate their relationship with this potentially dangerous substance. But somehow since it's alcohol and everyone uses it, it's okay. It's not. We shouldn't have double standards.
Cute. You're in the same line of thought that agrees (as I do) that legalized drugs are less harmful than outlawed ones. Are we going to get rid of the most successful one, that has been used by most of humanity for over 6000 years, or are we going to learn to deal with it? Your argument is void of reality and just comes off as pretentious, honestly.
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby René » 8 July 2019, 11:14

Jzone wrote:
René wrote:I think it's a sad state of affairs when the suggestion of quitting what is objectively one of the most harmful recreational drugs out there is considered extreme. Especially when excessive use of said drug has already clearly caused a person great interpersonal difficulties. Truly sad.

Had it been the use of methamphetamine or cocaine that led to this outburst, I don't think anyone would hesitate to suggest that it might be time for the person in question to re-evaluate their relationship with this potentially dangerous drug. But somehow since it's alcohol and everyone uses it, it's okay. It's not. We shouldn't have double standards.

That's a fair point, but we should consider that drug use exists in a cultural context. The fact that alcohol use/abuse is about as old as humanity bears some weight in how we relate to it. While it may make sense to have more strict regulations regarding alcohol than cannabis (for example), getting there is no easy trick. Remember in the US we tried to ban alcohol entirely a century ago and that didn't work out so well.

If an individual has a problem with alcohol — or any drug — that negatively impacts their life and relationships, suggesting they quit seems entirely reasonable.

Thank you, I completely agree. Longtime advocate of drug decriminalisation/legalisation here :)

I hope I didn't give the impression that I'm advocating for a ban on alcohol! Alcohol prohibition is as misguided as the (now thankfully receding) ban on cannabis.

Eryx wrote:
René wrote:I think it's a sad state of affairs when the suggestion of quitting what is objectively one of the most harmful recreational drugs out there is considered extreme. Especially when excessive use of said drug has already clearly caused a person great interpersonal difficulties. Truly sad.

Had it been the use of methamphetamine or cocaine that led to this outburst, I don't think anyone would hesitate to suggest that it might be time for the person in question to re-evaluate their relationship with this potentially dangerous substance. But somehow since it's alcohol and everyone uses it, it's okay. It's not. We shouldn't have double standards.

Cute. You're in the same line of thought that agrees (as I do) that legalized drugs are less harmful than outlawed ones.

Just to make sure there's no misunderstanding: currently legal drugs are often more harmful than currently illegal drugs, which is part of the problem, and decriminalising/legalising the latter holds enormous promise for reducing the harms associated with their use.

Eryx wrote:Are we going to get rid of the most successful one, that has been used by most of humanity for over 6000 years, or are we going to learn to deal with it? Your argument is void of reality and just comes off as pretentious, honestly.

Whoa, hold your horses. Who's talking about getting rid of anything? As if it's even possible to "get rid of" such a simple chemical :P

I suggested that one person whose life and relationships have been negatively impacted by their alcohol use consider quitting, and that this may improve his chances of mending the relationship this thread is about by showing his ex that he is capable of making changes in his life to prevent damaging outbursts in the future.
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby Lenin » 8 July 2019, 16:38

OP,

You need to apologize quickly and profusely. Every relationship has the occasional serious battle royale, some survive and some do not.
After about 5 years my partner wounded me with a lie so serious that almost caused me to walk out of the relationship. After some soul searching I forgave him and we stayed lovingly together for the next 40 years.
He died suddenly the day before New Years eve and I almost wish I had died with him. He was my whole life and half of me feels dead inside.
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby Eryx » 8 July 2019, 16:46

René wrote:I suggested that one person whose life and relationships have been negatively impacted by their alcohol use consider quitting, and that this may improve his chances of mending the relationship this thread is about by showing his ex that he is capable of making changes in his life to prevent damaging outbursts in the future.
Sorry if I came off as too defensive, I just think one experience shared online about a drunken encounter isn't enough to suggest someone should quit alcohol. But I agree, it's a dangerous drug.
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby homomorphism » 9 July 2019, 11:51

René wrote:
Eryx wrote:
René wrote:like giving up alcohol

That's kind of an extreme thing to say to someone who's only had one outburst and without you having any more context, wouldn't you think?

I think it's a sad state of affairs when the suggestion of quitting what is objectively one of the most harmful recreational drugs out there is considered extreme.



When it comes to health related concerns, sure, I agree -- it's a no-brainer. But within the context of the OP's relationship, it is maybe a bit extreme.

I started dating a guy that is 10 years older than me [...] He and his partner of a decade split last year [...]we decided to just be friends.. reason being, He is trying to build his career and he cant give me the time I deserve [...] but felt that he got ahead of himself in the moving on department. (enough time hasnt passed)


So OP was a rebound to the end of a decade long relationship, the OP's ex eventually decided to focus on himself and not on a relationship, and the OP is hurt.

Alcohol isn't helping him, but the OP at this point is chasing after a relationship that doesn't exist because the other guy doesn't even want it right now. Sure, give up drinking, but the OP needs to establish some emotional distance and move on with his life. Maybe the other guy will eventually have dealt with all of his issues and be ready to start something, but that time isn't now.

To answer the OP's question -- is there any hope for your relationship? No, because you're not in one.
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby René » 9 July 2019, 12:33

Hey Michael :keke:

homomorphism wrote:
René wrote:
Eryx wrote:
René wrote:like giving up alcohol

That's kind of an extreme thing to say to someone who's only had one outburst and without you having any more context, wouldn't you think?

I think it's a sad state of affairs when the suggestion of quitting what is objectively one of the most harmful recreational drugs out there is considered extreme.

When it comes to health related concerns, sure, I agree -- it's a no-brainer.

The majority of the harms of alcohol actually appear to stem from the consequences it has for others not doing the drinking.

homomorphism wrote:But within the context of the OP's relationship, it is maybe a bit extreme.

Sometimes it's good to think outside the box and consider things you've never contemplated before. I've met so many people who are just stunned at the fact that I basically don't drink, who've never actually considered a life without this drug any more than they've considered a life without oxygen or food.

homomorphism wrote:
I started dating a guy that is 10 years older than me [...] He and his partner of a decade split last year [...]we decided to just be friends.. reason being, He is trying to build his career and he cant give me the time I deserve [...] but felt that he got ahead of himself in the moving on department. (enough time hasnt passed)

So OP was a rebound to the end of a decade long relationship, the OP's ex eventually decided to focus on himself and not on a relationship, and the OP is hurt.

Alcohol isn't helping him, but the OP at this point is chasing after a relationship that doesn't exist because the other guy doesn't even want it right now. Sure, give up drinking, but the OP needs to establish some emotional distance and move on with his life. Maybe the other guy will eventually have dealt with all of his issues and be ready to start something, but that time isn't now.

To answer the OP's question -- is there any hope for your relationship? No, because you're not in one.

Certainly, the main likely positive impact would be on future relationships.
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 9 July 2019, 21:13

René wrote:...
Whoa, hold your horses. Who's talking about getting rid of anything? As if it's even possible to "get rid of" such a simple chemical [alcohol] :P...


I don't know the whole range of possible drugs in nature, but it is true that alcohol is found every where because in nature as the fermentation process happens everywhere that humans live. You don't have to cultivate something (such as poppies [heroine], marijuana, coca (cocaine], etc to make it, it simply exists. Also there were times in history where the water wasn't drinkable or simply the lack of refrigerating technologies, left it that alcohol was the nature of having something to drink.

I am a Teetotaler by nature. (OK full confession, I do take communion wine when offered, but I never go through the line twice ;) , and transubstantiation has to count for something! ;) ) I wouldn't be the least upset of the drinking age was raised to 75. (Granted their might be a lot of wheel chair accidents in nursing homes from drunk wheelers.)

That being said, in times past I have known some very mean and cruel people who are NICER when they are tipsy -- such as my own father.

To be quite honest, I never understood anybody's joy of taking any recreational drug that affects the brain. As someone who has seen family members with mental illness where their very chemical composition causes problems, it is beyond fathomable why anybody would want to screw with their perceptions. Also in my case, I know I have my own demons from the few years of living with my abusive dad as a teen, that I would NEVER want to be out of control. I don't ever really want to hurt anybody. That is why for me even when I'm angry I usually do the silent treatment -- not because I believe in shunning cruelty, but sometimes you have to keep your mouth shut so that you don't say something you can never take back.

I don't see alcohol ever becoming illegal again. It has been in just about every culture. (Note, I know Islam prohibits alcohol, but note that in their view of paradise drinking is allowed in the afterlife. (I've read that they believe it is ok in the afterlife, because alcohol won't affect perfect heavenly bodies. However, common sense tells me that few people drink because of some wonderful flavor, but rather at least in part because of the intoxicating effects. ) Because it has been around as long as all human populations have had to deal with the fermentation of organic substances, it just won't go away. However, I'm not one to expand that to other drugs on the basis of somehow it is hypocritical to allow alcohol, but not these other so-called harmless drugs. Personally, I have seen stupid behaviors in people who are on these "other" drugs. Now if they stayed home, who am I to judge. However, most people think they are their own pharmacists when it comes to being stoned, high, drunk, or whatever you want to call it. They can supposedly do no wrong on the road. I even knew professional gays (ie surgeons, dentists, etc) who had no problem with going to parties where they heavily took part in drug use, and yet saw no problem with operating on patients come Monday mornings. Sorry, but stuff like that is why I don't believe in any drugs being legal except when taken specifically for known medical reasons -- and I don't mean for something like zit control.

I think it was COMPLETELY appropriate to mention that if someone had a huge outburst while under the influence of something (including alcohol), to suggest considering that there may be a problem with substance abuse. I would just add that sometimes we excuse ourselves for doing something socially inappropriate only because we feel that we can then blame the inappropriate behavior on the substance, and not our own self. Sometimes, we simply need anger (or the like) control help just as much (if not more) than a prohibition on a particular substance.
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Re: Is there any hope left (after a huge fight)?

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 9 July 2019, 21:45

poolerboy0077 wrote:
Jzone wrote:That's a fair point, but we should consider that drug use exists in a cultural context. The fact that alcohol use/abuse is about as old as humanity bears some weight in how we relate to it. While it may make sense to have more strict regulations regarding alcohol than cannabis (for example), getting there is no easy trick. Remember in the US we tried to ban alcohol entirely a century ago and that didn't work out so well.

It’s also quite arrogant to tell people who’ve for centuries enjoyed these traditions to suddenly abandon them for the sake of their wellbeing. Who are we to cast judgment on Africans chasing albinos for their limbs or the Etoro shooting loads into their young?


So true!!!

I was forced to read etiquette books at the dinner table when I lived with my dad since I was such a personal embarrassment. I learned to always be graceful to others even when you vehemently disagree with them.

That is why you'll never hear my condemn other cultural systems. So what if Arab muslims want to throw homosexual men off the tallest building in their town. So what if Chechnya wants to imprison and torture gay men. So what if someone is fanatically anti-abortion. Plus one should look at the bright side, what doesn't break you makes you stronger.

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