Is there something wrong ?

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Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eos » 6 April 2021, 19:05

Hi guys !

So I met my boyfriend 2 months ago.
He has been very patient with me, and I enjoy my time with him a lot.

Last weekend I had my first time with him.
It was really good. But I am wondering if there is a problem despite all the good things.
He is a bit overweight, I honestly don't really care, or cared, about that, I really enjoy the fact he is so much bigger than me. However when we were having sex, I didn't like very much looking at him. There were some areas that I didn't like. I wouldn't say it was a turn off. But it wasn't nothing either.

So I kept my eyes closed 90 % of the times. But I really enjoyed doing it like that. The feelings were great.

Also, there was a few things I didn't really enjoy.
When he was fingering me. I wouldn't say it was bad but it really didn't make me feel anything good. I did try to suck him but I did not feel really good doing it. In the end, I finished him with my hands, and only toward the end I started to like it, mostly because of his reactions.

Also I don't know if I should tell him, but I don't really like it when he talks. I like so much more hearing the noises from his body, and mine.

Well for the last thing I think I will be able to talk with him about it.

I'm just more concerned about the previous point, I don't want him to feel bad. And he already is doing many efforts to lose weight. I never pushed him toward this, but he says I am his motivation.

On another part, there has been many things he improved. But I really dislike the fact that he is the only one doing changes.
I made him understand I like when he smells really good. Especially with his mouth. Sometimes he wants to kiss me but he restrain himself if he knows he doesn't smell good.

But sometimes I feel I am fucking annoying with all the things I like and dislike.

Another example, at the beginning it spent a lot of time starring at me. At first I couldn't do the same, but then I was finally able to stare at him. However at one point he kept looking at me and it felt really annoying, it felt like he was expecting something from him. And I am completely honest, if I don't want to say something there is nothing you can do to make me do so. One day he confronted me on that, and since he understood my point of view he stopped doing so.

Once again he is doing the effort.

Also he keep saying he misses me. We only see each other during the weekend. But I honestly do not feel like I miss him. Sure I had miss him if we stopped seeing each other, but right now I am enjoying both my time with him and when I am alone.

Is there something wrong with us ?

Thanks !
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Marmaduke » 6 April 2021, 19:13

So, to summarise;

    - You actively dislike looking at him
    - You don’t enjoy foreplay with him
    -You’d prefer he didn’t speak
    - If he’s not freshly bathed, you’d rather not be near him
    - You don’t like him looking at you
    - You don’t miss him at all when he’s not there

There are problems. Those are the problems. They’re pretty obvious. I’d probably call time on this relationship. I’d have definitely called time if I was him.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eos » 6 April 2021, 19:40

First things first, I only talked about the things I didn't like here.


I dont actively dislike looking at him, it was when he was naked, I really liked how he looks like when dressed.

I just sayed I enjoyed my first time.

I enjoy when we hug together.

I also said I had miss him given some circumstances.

You are also overstating my statements.

And I don't even know where I said I'd rather he don't speak...
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eos » 6 April 2021, 19:45

And you seem to realize there has been many first time with him. I know myself, I wouldn't have stayed with him if I didn't like him. I never kissed anyone else, I never hugged someone this much, I never made love with anyone else before. I couldn't project myself with anyone else before.

I only talked about a few things that were disturbing me. I didn't talked about the things I love about him.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Marmaduke » 6 April 2021, 19:48

What are the things you love about him? What is the rock upon you which you plan to build this church? And don’t have it be “nice hugs”.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eos » 6 April 2021, 19:55

That's really not of your business. And completely irrelevant to what I said before.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Marmaduke » 6 April 2021, 19:58

You gave us a list of negatives and asked us if there was something wrong with your relationship. I’ve asked you for the positives, it’s will within a reasonable scope of the topic. You’re unwilling or unable to provide any aside from “nice hugs”.

It certainly seems that your relationship is built on somewhat unsound foundations.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby René » 6 April 2021, 21:01

My thoughts as I read your story:

Keeping your eyes closed during sex and just enjoying the feelings doesn't strike me as odd. You say the feelings are great. That's awesome.

Sex and fingerings are skills. You can both get better at them.

All this takes communication.

It's quite common for people to mainly enjoy sex because of the feelings and reactions it elicits in their partner.

If you feel like he talks too much during sex and you more enjoy hearing him moan or whatever, your feelings are valid, but he can't act on them if he doesn't know about them. I would say gently let him know.

You're okay with his appearance. He's working on improving it. Your relationship motivates him to improve it. I don't see the problem there.

People have different attachment styles. He's crushing on you heavily and it hurts him when you're apart. It'll be that way for some time to come. You're different. That's okay. There's no one right way to be in a relationship.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eos » 7 April 2021, 06:37

Thank you very much for your comment !

I feel much better.

I intended to talk about it the next time we meet.

I don't even think he was fingering me the wrong way, I just think I wasn't in the mood for that at the moment.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Jasper1 » 7 April 2021, 09:39

I can’t add much more to what has already been said other than it sounds like you had a nice time given it was your first time. The sex part definitely gets better as you become more comfortable with each other and can openly express your preferences.

I think the negative aspects you outlined are normal. It’s rare for someone to like every single aspect of someone’s personality. Well, rare for me anyway.

I’m sure he has his own thoughts about what he would like you to do better to strengthen the relationship so be open but also accept some differences. Not everything needs a discussion. Choose the ones that really matter.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby PopTart » 10 April 2021, 08:50

Yes, there is something wrong.

While I appreciate that others have differing perspectives and perhaps, some are eager to reassure and give comfort, I do feel that the issues you raise, are as Marmaduke points out. Problems. Sweeping these under the rug or dismissing them is, I fear, a bad course of action and they might be better treated as klaxons to take a long hard look at this new relationship, with an honest and careful eye.

The most glaring issue, and on it's own, is not insurmountable, is that you admit that you don't find your partner, sexually attractive "in the moment" once his clothes are off. You do find him appealing in his clothes. I guess you could ask him to keep his clothes on?

But this speaks to a conditional attraction, which doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. He might have every intention of losing weight and getting into shape, he might succeed, but sooner or later, we all lose it. We all get old, we all get fat (or old skinny) we all become... subpar. You need to ask yourself, if in the long run, you can love this guy and be content with sex with a person you don't find attractive in the bedroom. It might be, that you can love this person enough, that this becomes a non-issue. But your bringing it up here, tells me it is an issue. Given time, maybe your love for this guy will grow to supercede your indifference for his personal appearance, but that's not a certainty. It's not the best foundation for a relationship. But on it's own, isn't the death kneel for your relationship. But it should tell you it's time to start looking more seriously at other aspects of your relationship and asking hard questions.

I do still hold to the idea (perhaps, naively) that when you love someone, you do so, regardless of their appearance and if they fall outside of your usual range, be it sexual or otherwise. That has been my experience.

Now, there is a caveat here and that is, are you sure the reason you don't look at him during sex, is because you don't like his body? Could there be other factors at play. Do YOU feel unattractive, do YOU feel some embarrasment and shame during sex? The reasons for such can be many and varied, but such unrecognised feelings could be getting in the way of you stepping outside of your own head and genuinely engaging with your partner.

Eitherway, these are problems. They DO need to be addressed as they aren't likely to just go away. They may subside, to present in other areas, later down the line. Don't defer problems, deal with them now.

The foreplay thing, totally is a problem, but it might not be a major one. Unless left unaddressed in your relationship. Look, some guys flat out don't like being fingered. Some guys don't have good hands for fingering, or lack good technique. You're newly sexually active, it's going to take time to figure out what you want, what your boyfriend wants, what each of you is good at and what each of you is good at with eachother, because you might love fingering with one person and find you hate it with someone else. :shrug:
You need to talk about these things and yes, that can be unsexy and it can be awkward.
You might also find you aren't enjoying it, because you aren't letting go consistently and relaxing during the experience. Lots of possible reasons here. You get the answers you need, by talking to your partner about it. Again, do so, don't defer.

You don't like him talking during sex. That isn't a problem, unless he does like talking during sex and neither of you is willing to compromise. It will become a problem if you ignore it and leave it unaddressed.
There are definately situations during which talking during sex, can be offputting. Some people like dirty talk. I find it silly and hilarious, a turn off. There have been exceptions, but they are few. Some people love dirty talk! Drives em nuts. Maybe you don't like dirty talk? Maybe it's time to tell that to your partner.
If the talk you refer to is more mundane, well, verbal communication is important. But I'd find it odd if that's the talk you refering to and to be fair, if he is reeling off a daily todo list during sex... there are definately other issues for you to be concerned about.
Don't like it? Tell him.

Smell is a tough one. Going back to before. The guys I really like. The ones I give real consideration for a relationship, I love the way they smell. Good and bad. Hell, I rarely think they smell bad, even when sweaty and everything. The guys whose smell I find offputting, usually aren't long term prospects. But I admit, that might not be the case for everyone.
If this is a hygiene issue most of all, then finding polite ways to encourage your man to be more clean, are easy to come by. Suggest showering together (use it as a prelude to sex) offer to soap him up and tell him, like a bad porno scene, how much you like a "clean man" :lol: I mean, it sounds silly, but if he is the listening sort, he'll pick up on what does it for you and seek to be that. There are plenty of ways to go about it, that aren't cliche, that will encourage your guy to address body odour and hygiene, without saying "You stink"
If he is now worried about the way he smells (and your not!) perhaps you need to reassure him, that when you said you like it when he smells good, you didn't mean to suggest you find him repugnant when he fails to go that extra mile. That you didn't raise the breath issue to make him feel insecure. Because, it could be he now does indeed feel insecure about it.

As to the looking at one another and the time you spend together.

Sigh.

This is where I'm going to offer you my honest opinion, that may not be as constructive, might hurt your feelings, but is taking into account everything else you said and lay it out for you to consider. I'm not saying this is how things are, but how I'm perceiveing this situation.

Had you said your only problem was just the fingering thing, the smell/hygiene thing, hell, even the sexual attraction thing. I'd say, these aren't big problems, unless you leave them unaddressed.

But when taking all of these things into consideration, with your comments about him looking at you and you being content with less time together...

I don't think your in love with this guy. I'm not saying you don't care about him. I'm saying he isn't your forever after and you are, at the least, subconciously aware of that fact. He cares more about you than you do about him and it's niggling at you.

I suspect you get annoyed with his staring at you, because it tells you how far gone he is on you and your feel guilty for not feeling the same way in return and so you resent him for feeling that way about you and making you feel guilty for it. That doesn't make you a bad person by the way. That's an understandable reaction if indeed it is true in your situation. What would make you bad person, if I am right in that assessment and if you accept that as being true, is if you then continue the relationship otherwise, because you would be doing so, in full knowledge, that you are less commited than the other party, yet you are carrying on, while letting him believe it is more serious than it is. Then you are taking advantage. Because he is making all these broad and sweeping changes and you know that ultimately it isn't going to matter. Because he isn't the one for you.

You clearly care about him, as you do enjoy spending time with him. But you don't want to spend too much time with him. It's reasonable to feel that way after a relationship has settled in abit. But when it's this new?

You enjoy some of the ways he makes you feel, comforted with hugs, sexually satisfied (so long as you don't look at him) less lonely etc. But do you like HIM or the things he does for you, in making you feel good. Again, it's okay to admit it's more about how he makes you feel, than about the man himself, that doesn't make you an asshole. What you do with that information, once you know it, however. That does matter. So if what I have saidin conclusion here, has the ring of truth to it. Think carefully about what you really want and perhaps, most importantly, the person you want to be.

It could be, that perhaps you really don't like alot of attention from people, any people. No matter how much you love one another. It's possible. Perhaps you are fiercely independant and don't like to sacrifice your valuable time, for anyone, not even the man you love. That's possible too.
But I doubt it. From what you have said in the past. I think your issues are coming, from you feeling bad about not liking this guy as much as you feel you should.

EDIT: I should add, that there is nothing wrong with the reasons you aren't into him either. It's okay to not find someone sexually attractive enough. We sometimes only discover these things, a little way down the line. It's okay to be turned off by a voice, the words that voice articulates, the circumstances in which they do so or the sentiments a person bears for you. It's not wrong to feel the way you do, it's what you do with those feelings in relation to others, that defines you.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eryx » 11 April 2021, 19:14

I think that, even if you both get better at sex, and treat each other right, and have some fun and good conversations along the way, this isn't love. It feels forced and uncomfortable at times where it doesn't need to be. Sure, first times always suck, they're always awkward, we always need to learn and improve on certain sex acts, but it should still carry a nice feeling after, if it's someone who's actually infatuated with the other person.

The way OP worded things, it all sounds like a chore, and even if they did get better and improve physically, I don't think it's ever going to be love, it's just going to be convenient.

Get angry with me if you think it's wrong and tell me otherwise, but I don't see a long-term future here, even if it does sounds like a healthy relationship between two people. At least now the virginity is out of the way, it makes things a thousand times less complicated.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby PopTart » 11 April 2021, 19:39

Eryx wrote:I think that, even if you both get better at sex, and treat each other right, and have some fun and good conversations along the way, this isn't love. It feels forced and uncomfortable at times where it doesn't need to be. Sure, first times always suck, they're always awkward, we always need to learn and improve on certain sex acts, but it should still carry a nice feeling after, if it's someone who's actually infatuated with the other person.

The way OP worded things, it all sounds like a chore, and even if they did get better and improve physically, I don't think it's ever going to be love, it's just going to be convenient.

Get angry with me if you think it's wrong and tell me otherwise, but I don't see a long-term future here, even if it does sounds like a healthy relationship between two people. At least now the virginity is out of the way, it makes things a thousand times less complicated.

Well sure, if you want to be brief and not beat around the bush :toogay:

:D Looking good btw ;)
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eos » 12 April 2021, 05:33

Hi guys,

I appreciate your feedback, I understand this kind of comments much more than the ones from Marmaduke. They are more constructive.

Now, I am afraid that since I didn't talked about what I like from him you do not have the same point of view that I have.

I have met many people through my dates. Sometimes I gave many chances to some guys, and yes, it felt forced.
However, right now it doesn't feel that way at all.

I mean, I knew those were issues, but as a couple shouldn't you talk and work through it ?

Even my feelings are evolving. Some things I said here are not so much of a problem anymore.

I definitely do not want to look past those problems, this is a toxic behavior in my opinion.


"it should still carry a nice feeling after"

Well it did, and still want his body. It's weird but maybe I don't understand my feelings that well.

"Because, it could be he now does indeed feel insecure about it."
When talking about the smell I noticed this behavior. And just yesterday I just explained him there was nothing wrong with his smell, he is a bit overthinking this so yeah I go both ways, when I'm confortable near him I tend to show him that I am confortable.

"You clearly care about him, as you do enjoy spending time with him. But you don't want to spend too much time with him."

You guys need to understand that I never had a boyfriend, I think you don't realize how much time I need to feel confortable with someone, especially if I'm supposed to live with him for years. I think one part of me is afraid of not being alone anymore. But I still know that my feelings are evolving.


"But do you like HIM or the things he does for you, in making you feel good"

I honestly don't really know. As a person I love him. I like how he makes me feel that's for sure. I like how he is with me. I like him for who he is.
If it helps, there has been many people who tried to hug or love me and I never felt that way toward them. With my boyfriend it is entirely different.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eos » 12 April 2021, 08:04

Also there is something I forgot to mention, the people I am physically attracted to are very rare. And are often younger than me, which sadly often means that we won't connect mentally speaking.

Unlike my actual boyfriend where it feels like I can and want to work through issues, while with most people I don't want to waste my time. And when I mean issues I don't necessarily mean issues from my perspective, I want him to feel and be better. I want him happy. Even if he is at some point when we are together.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby PopTart » 12 April 2021, 09:32

Hey look, we could be entirely wrong, our opinions are based on second hand information, in an online medium. As such, you should take any feedback and advice with a grain of salt! :P If what anyone has said, isn't ringing true, then perhaps it isn't? You are best situated to know the truth or atleast, figure it out, if your not sure.

Our opinions are just that. Don't let them stir up doubt, if you feel you were just starting to find some emotional resolution on the matter.

Would it be correct to assume that you are feeling more certain now?

It could be that, the things that Eryx, Marmaduke and I, are picking up on, are actually from your own emotional awkwardness, that you might have in any relationship, owing to the fact you aren't especially experienced. New situations often make us feel in new ways and if, perhaps, as you suggest, you aren't especially emotionally open, it isn't unexpected to have difficulty in identifiying exactly how you feel.

If it's not too much to ask, would you say you are especially emotionally guarded? Would you characterise yourself as being quite a stoic person?
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eos » 12 April 2021, 09:54

I don't know if I am more certain. But I never am certain with anything, I just live one day after another, right now I am happy with the moments we share and we will see how it goes.

For example, at one point I thought we would want to live together quite soon. But we realized we both needed time to think about it, to prepare ourselves for it.

You're not sounding completely wrong, just not entirely true. I mean when I read your comments it doesn't feel like we are not talking about the same relationship xD
Just a part of it.

I would say I am emotionally guarded. Well I am very emotional, I can talk and be very open with how I feel. But with a handful of people. When something is wrong anyone who knows me know it. Even if I don't share the issues (but I often share my issues, I don't bare all my problems for myself anymore).

Given the circumstances, I am not stoic. It really depends on the context.

For sure, I had imagine I had feel a bit different, more overwhelmed by my emotions. But we all have our way to be in love.

And as I would definitely be sad if it stopped between us, I just letting things go and see how we will be going. We share too many things to stop it just for some reasons that can and are being fixed.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby PopTart » 12 April 2021, 10:22

Eos wrote:For example, at one point I thought we would want to live together quite soon. But we realized we both needed time to think about it, to prepare ourselves for it.
Independance is a difficult thing to give up and giving this, it's due consideration is wise, especially given your other worries. It's often those who rush in, not realising that independance is important for them, that then struggle to keep a relationship going.

Eos wrote:You're not sounding completely wrong, just not entirely true. I mean when I read your comments it doesn't feel like we are not talking about the same relationship xD
Just a part of it.
Which parts would you say ring true? You don't have to answer that here if you prefer not to, but acknowledging them to yourself, might help you zero in, on where your misgivings are coming from, thus identified, they are easier to contend with.

Eos wrote:I would say I am emotionally guarded. Well I am very emotional, I can talk and be very open with how I feel. But with a handful of people. When something is wrong anyone who knows me know it. Even if I don't share the issues (but I often share my issues, I don't bare all my problems for myself anymore).

Given the circumstances, I am not stoic. It really depends on the context.
My questions here, goes to how intune you are with your own feelings. Incase, being someone who isn't quick to love or takes a long time to form meaningful, emotional connections, that could be having a large impact on why you feel the way you do. It could be, that for you atleast, it's just too early, and that might be the case, no matter those other things. It's about figuring out, if the issues you raise, are just that. Issues you might experience in any relationship or, if there is a fundamental something missing from this relationship.

Eos wrote:For sure, I had imagine I had feel a bit different, more overwhelmed by my emotions. But we all have our way to be in love.
At first, I might say, you may be abit confused, because wider society, says that you should be feeling a specific way in a new relationship and the fact you aren't is making you doubt how you feel. But you seem to identify that people can and do have different experiences. Knowing and accepting that, if that was the root cause of your misgivings, I'd say your problems would cease to be an issue. Perhaps, then, that isn't the root cause.

Eos wrote:And as I would definitely be sad if it stopped between us, I just letting things go and see how we will be going. We share too many things to stop it just for some reasons that can and are being fixed.
It seems you have made up your mind, to move forward and work on things. That's not a bad call at all. Mayhaps, your issues are coming from things that just need to be worked in as a couple rather than from some deeper cause.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eos » 12 April 2021, 11:32

"Independance is a difficult thing to give up and giving this, it's due consideration is wise, especially given your other worries."

Indeed, that something I am not completely ready to give up. For now I just want us to see each other, at one point I think we will be able to share our lives 24/7.

"Which parts would you say ring true? You don't have to answer that here if you prefer not to, but acknowledging them to yourself, might help you zero in, on where your misgivings are coming from, thus identified, they are easier to contend with."

Well, it is true that some things are annoying. But it is not as annoying as I make it sound. Or as you think it is. And as it his being assessed by us I feel we are going in the right way.
I just wanted to make sure those issues weren't an impossible mountain to climb on.



I am someone that needs a lot of time, that is undeniable. But he is one of the patient man I saw, and unlike some other people that have been patient with him, I do not feel rushed and I think this is one of the reasons our relationship is working for now.
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Re: Is there something wrong ?

Unread postby Eos » 18 May 2021, 07:06

Hey guys I'm back...

Well I don't know if you were right in the end, but I think I understand my feelings much more now.

The past weeks I felt like our relationship didn't work out. That I didn't love him.

I finally told him how I felt this weekend. At first I thought we would stay cold for a while but in the end we hugged each other for a long time. The rest of the weekend went nicely, well except for the last day because I had a horrible night because of his snoring.

After our conversation, I finally felt better about him, so I thought it increased the love we have for each other.

But I think that maybe the reason I was happy is that I understood it is ok if we stopped. Because as soon as he left my thoughts (aka "it's not working") just popped back in my head.

You might want to know why it was not working ? One the issues was that I wasn't attracted physically to him anymore, after we had sex I almost never went back to masturbating. It didn't felt as good. I tried again Monday, and I realized that everytime I tried I was thinking about him. And it felt like cheating (we only had sex once) and somehow imagining him turned me off...

It made me realize that the lack of attraction became even worse. It was repulsion. (Although I was never repulsive for hugs)

I don't know why I'm writing all this. I think the next step is to tell him it won't work. We both agreed to let time decide if it really was working. My uncle told me to wait as well.

But I don't see it changing. Even if I wish for it.

Sure he is on a diet, but even if he was fit I'm not sure I had feel attracted. And I don't find him serious enough about his diet.

I guess maybe if I came here it was to ask what you are thinking about the situation?
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