Issues with straight-gay friendship, and self-esteem?

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Issues with straight-gay friendship, and self-esteem?

Unread postby Navy » 1 April 2020, 22:24

Hi there!
As I said in my "introduction" some minutes ago, Im new and I want to tell a personal issue to see your point of view.

So, Im gay, and I've always been uncomfortable when Im around straight people (men rlly). I have never suffered any hard homophobic attack in my life but, as everyone I think, I have felt hate and humiliation even if its not directly to me. So I feel pretty anxious when I am with straight men, no matter how nice they are. Its not like an ultra difficult problem cuz I can act "normal" and nothing's wrong, but I always feel like idk, like I have to make them sure that im gay to see their reaction so I exagerate my gayness xd but also make me look pretty manly so they cant reach stereotypes. To sum up, I dont act 100% me cuz Im like, scared? somehow? I have always managed to have some straight friends and I have been perfectly with them, but this feeling has worsened when I got to college and I made friends with this reaally cool straight guy that has the same humour that me and its totally okey with me being gay. He's pretty supportive (he actually acts like there is no problem and tell gay jokes that are actually not insulting). But I dont know why I feel weird, like I always think he will "betray" me and laugh at me. I also keep exagerating my gayness around him, like not stopping doing gay jokes and doing like I fancy him to see his reaction, but he never seems to be disgusted. Even though these "tries" to see if he is actually homophobic have never worked, I keep thinking that he considers me inferior to him for being gay... and I cannot stop thinking of that 24/7.
Besides, I also think that maybe I am the one who has the problem. I guess in spite of being proud of being who I am and being out with everyone, a little part of me puts me in an inferior place, and thinking that I cannot do nothing about it freaks me out...

Gooshh it is liberating to spill it all out. Sorry if I have commited some grammatical errors (im Spanish) and thank you so much if you have read all the way to here. Hope you could tell me something about this cuz I dont consider this feeling appropriated to build a healthy relationship, and a healthy life...
Have a great day! :)
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Re: Issues with straight-gay friendship, and self-esteem?

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 1 April 2020, 23:51

Welcome to the forum.

I have read it all, but I guess that's a tough one and our experienced users should answer this.

I feel sort of similar around "alpha leader" types and the way more intelligent dudes. Not that they ever would guess me a gay, as I rather just behave the way I am and I come over as a "Hagestolz" ( what translates to 'confirmed bachelor' but I'm not that certain if that can be right) In my region it just means an old virgin guy that had no luck in finding a wife, and usually owns a lesser shack of a stable hand's fashion, with a small yard to it. :D
My heterosexual friends are all cool as long as they never know. If they ever found out, I'd probably turn into prey, had this in my young life and I don't provoke that any more. I know how to listen and what they tell one another if it comes to anything queer related. I try to understand their differing concept of nature and variety, it's not that easy in the sports crowd. Any slightest hint can be one's doom.

Ah, I didn't want to scare you. Your friends seem to be as pleasantly open minded as it possibly could get! Does not seem as if they, or that one guy was just testing, how far you might open up, and later make fun of you. You always could get your spies, to find out, if he ever would. Usually girl friends are pretty good spies 'he he'. Depends though, it's not a good advise.
Just try to be more natural around them. It's easy a say. The experienced users on here will have the better advise.

Though in most cases I rather would think such issues to be without much of a realistic reason. Just may be accumulated anxiety and the things that go haywire in one's imagination at times. If it keeps on going like incessantly one ought to do something about it.
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Re: Issues with straight-gay friendship, and self-esteem?

Unread postby InternetShrink » 2 April 2020, 04:36

People are people. Some more matured and less judgmental than others, some more judgmental and less matured than others. Your friend at college sounds like an example of the former, a real great guy! A wise man once said, "Those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind." So, your job is to surround yourself with straight (that's what you specified) guys who don't mind if you are gay. This world's not fair. There will always be people who don't respect you for who you are. Now, that obviously has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that they can't see past their own nose. So, The question is, what will you do? Just be you and you'll attract the right people.

Btw, if a straight guy keeps making gay jokes, and you guys lurking in the shadows are allowed to chime in because I'm not sure, it might mean he's down to try some "special friendship" stuff, if you catch my drift.
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Re: Issues with straight-gay friendship, and self-esteem?

Unread postby Eryx » 3 April 2020, 17:56

I used to feel that way a lot before, but it was just because I spent a long time only having gay and female friends. I didn't really understand straight guys and I didn't like some of their behaviors, so I had to act differently and I didn't become closer to them out of self-protection and lack of interest, I guess.

Eventually I had to deal with more men at school and socially, and now I don't see much of a difference when I'm with them.
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