It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

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It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby scotty19 » 13 April 2020, 10:35

Hey,

I'm 27. I've only ever had one boyfriend. It only lasted around 2 months, but 2 years on after I met him, I still keep thinking about him and miss him. Before him, I had dated 2 different people (different times obviously haha), but the first, I don't think either of us were ready, and the second, he seemed aggressive at times so I didn't want to stay dating him.

I lost confidence, but I decided to go back on Tinder as I just thought life was too short to worry. We both matched, he had the best personality - he seemed kind, he was nice to have a laugh with, and I thought he was just so handsome.

About a week or two after talking, we met up for a date. At this point, I wasn't out to family, but I was to friends. I just felt too nervous to tell any family. For the first time in my life, even after this one date, I just felt so happy and proud to be me.

I met him a few days in a row afterwards, and I just immediately started to feel so much closer to him - something I have never felt with anyone. We seemed to have such a strong connection. So I told my Mum and sister about it. My Mum seemed unsure at first (she always seemed to have been against gay people, but came around to it).

He lived a 30 minute train journey away, but I mainly travelled to him. He never met my family, but I met his. It was Summer and they did a special BBQ for me. When I met them all, his Mum asked me "can I hug you?" and his sister gave me a huge hug. It was all so lovely. They were quite religious, and before we ate, they included me in a prayer. I just felt like crying. I had never been treated like that before and although I guess my family loves me?, I've never had that at home.

I grew to like who I was more, and we held hands in public. On 2 separate occasions, we were stopped by people. An older lady stopped us and said "Hello, I just want to say, you both look so happy. I am proud that you are going out in public, holding hands, and being who both of you are... If my son was gay, I hope he would be as happy and as confident as both of you".

Another time, an older man, who didn't speak much English, simply stopped in front of us (he was coming towards us). He had the most genuine smile on his face, looked at us both, and said "you two.. nice, very nice".

We were entering a cinema once, and as someone was leaving, she seen us both holding hands and chatting. She didn't comment on us, but she was smiling and clearly noticed it. She asked him where he was from due to his accent - South Africa. She was also South African. After speaking to her, he looked at me, and said "I've never met another South African here before!". It was almost like it was meant to be.

I was so happy, so proud of who I was. For the first time, I was in love.

Almost 2 months of being together, one morning, I didn't received the usual good morning texts, or Snapchat. I left some messages and missed calls. He finally answered and he was crying and said things weren't okay. I asked what's up, and he said "I'll tell you tonight". He was always a very genuine, respectful person. I knew he was going to end it. I probably shouldn't have said this, but I said "you're going to end it aren't you?". He started crying further and he said "I don't want to say anything over the phone, I want to meet you still".

I met him, and he ended it. We were talking for around 3 hours. I told him to be honest and all he said was "I'm not ready for a relationship". I asked if there was someone else, family etc. I knew in my head and heart he wouldn't have cheated. He wasn't like that, and his ex cheated on him.

To this day, I will never understand this... as I was crying and talking to him, he continued to hug me, and kiss my on my cheeks/head. He told me he still "really liked me" but had to end it.

He said he'd meet me again, but that never happened. I said goodbye to him at the train station, and as I was driving off, I seen him watching me in the rear view mirror of my car. I waited a few minutes just to watch him one last time (in the mirror), I was hoping with all my heart that it would be like a film and he'd come racing out the train station and back to me... but I can only dream I guess haha.

I went on his Instagram profile, it seems he has a boyfriend now. But, I just can't stop thinking about him. I loved everything about him, I loved how he had confidence in me, I loved the way he made me feel. I will never forget it. We will never fell out. Never argued.

I know I'm silly for feeling this way, and friends say I should move on. I know I should, but it's easier said than done. I have tried to go on more dates since him. I left it about a year before dating one guy, but he seemed more interested in his job and it seemed like he didn't really know what he wanted.

How can I get over him? I feel like he'll always be in my memories as he was my "first", but I need to stop feeling so upset sometimes. I need to move on.

I just guess... although I'll never remember everything we did and everything he said to me... but I'll always remember the way he made me feel. Loved.

Sorry for such an essay, I just had to get it all off my chest. Thank you.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby René » 13 April 2020, 10:52

I'm not sure I have any advice, but I just wanted to say, awww, that sounds tough... :( :hug:
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby Eryx » 13 April 2020, 15:00

I'm really sorry you went through this.

2 years is a long time, huh? Have you been trying to go out or meet other guys? Sometimes meeting new people who can be different and show you new things is the best remedy to get over someone from the past.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby Frigid » 13 April 2020, 15:15

Get under someone to get over someone.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby Foreversmile » 15 April 2020, 06:17

Maybe and the hard truth u might never get over him because he was once ur happiness but u can move on if you learn how to accept it was one of ur best chapter in life.now what u can do is focus on self love and just find new things to do and explore the world
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby Eos » 15 April 2020, 15:25

Oh my...your story is beautiful. Sad but beautiful, I just kept on reading and reading. I never felt like that in a forum.

I'm not sure I can help.

You had 2 magnificent months. Be sure to acknowledge that. Those years and him definitely add more to yourself. Acknowledge how you changed.
Acknowledge you like him.
Easier said than done, but you need to acknowledge every story has an end.
I never been in this kind of love story, but it seems as hard as being in grief.

He reached his happiness. Without you. It's sad but before thinking about him you should first think of yourself.

I'm sure you'll find the person that will change you, in a different or a new way. You deserve to be happy as well. The only thing is that you don't know yet how to achieve it. So you must try.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 16 April 2020, 20:44

Your story is really beautiful.
I understand how your feel. I've been in similar situation.
My advice is that feeling upset won't help a thing. Maybe you don't have to 'move on'. You can let the memories be a treasure deep in your heart. And also try to be strong. And don't let new chances flow away. Don't let yourself regret any thing more.
And maybe after a while, when you look back, you'd found you've already 'moved on'. :) Wish you could be happier.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby scotty19 » 17 April 2020, 07:57

Thank you so much everyone!

I guess I just need to find someone else and move on. I’m sure there’ll be a point where I don’t kinda miss him anymore.

I guess although I miss him a bit, it’s just also the way he made me feel and how confident I felt. Plus how happy I was that I could just be me.. for the first time in my life!

I’m sure I’ll find someone one day. My head says I’m silly, and tells me to get back into dating again and I’ll be able to hopefully meet someone and move on, but my heart still feels set on him I guess. They were just such happy times. Urgh.

Thank you for all your replies, really appreciate them! :)
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 17 April 2020, 11:13

Awww King size package!
In these kind of cases I would like to be able to gather away the hurt and the sad, so that beautiful :heart: can go out to beat free again. I guess time will heal, and new people, one special dude you may meet, will take your mind off of it. You'll never forget first love,it will become precious memories.

Wishing you well.
If ya want to hang with me, let's go windsurfing!

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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby Eryx » 17 April 2020, 18:04

I know what you mean. My first crush took a lot to leave my heart as well. Trust me that meeting new people does work. And all in all, it's a good thing that it lasted only 2 months, or everything you're facing right now would feel way harder. 2 months is easy to fix.

I can guarantee you that everything you've felt with this man can be felt again with someone else. It might even be better. Don't invest everything you've got on this one experience.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby betonhaus » 7 May 2020, 09:17

That mirrors an experience I had, but I was on the other side. For me what mostly happened what that I was inexperienced and didn't know what my limits were and how to set my boundaries. Like petty things like sharing the shower after sex was kinky the first time or two but ended up feeling like a violation of my privacy. If I talked to him I know we could've stopped that without it ever being an issue, but by the time I realized I wasn't comfortable with doing so it became a habit that I didn't know how to break. I had let myself get needy, to the point that I found myself putting his wishes above my comfort. But by then the nature of our relationship was established, and I didn't know how to redefine it to something I was more comfortable and happier with and I was starting to feel trapped. Naturally, I didn't understand my reasons well enough to explain why I was breaking up with him and did so... Poorly.

I suspect that maybe that's at least partially what was going through his head, along with a likelihood of reestablishing bad patterns if he tried to rekindle the flame?
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby scotty19 » 8 May 2020, 10:28

I really don't know how to get him properly out of my head! I thought I had done.

But last night, I had a dream.

I don't know how it came to it, but I was at an Airport. Maybe picking a family member up?

I was checking the arrivals and seen a plane due in from South Africa (this is where he was from). I seen his Mum, Dad and sister all walk past saying that he's arriving soon (they didn't see me).

I felt all excited and I thought "I have to go to the terminal he arrives at", just so I could see his face and maybe he'd start a conversation with me if I did see him. So I raced to the lift/elevator. I was going to the correct level of the airport, and suddenly, the lift broke down.

I then, after some time, must have got out the lift. I dreamed I then put a fire out, and I raced to the terminal he was arriving at, but it was too late. It had taken so long, due to the lift/elevator breakdown, that I missed him.

-----

I've just Googled what dreams of lift breakdowns means and it says something about not being able to control your emotions.

I also searched what it means to put fires out using fire extinguishers - It said it's a sign you should remove negativities from your waking life.

I guess it's all signs I need to move on, but how? :( :(

Thank you
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby xiii_1991 » 8 May 2020, 12:51

So you know you should 'move on', but do you really want to?
It's ok feeling upset. But I think you still have to take some actions, while suffering(or enjoying?) the strong emotions.
If you do miss him, maybe you could try to have a contact to him? Or even go to meet? Or, if you don't want to bother him, just try to meet with some other guys more? And if the feelings are too hard for you, maybe you need an honest friend to talk to? Maybe you could get some encouragements from a friend.
Anyway, there are many actions you can take. Kept thinking about how to stop the feeling is gonna make you deeper on this.
So don't think too much, just take a step. And don't be afraid, you can always try again. You can never know how things would go before you had a try.
So just stand up and step out of the circle on the ground. It would be much easier than you thought. ;)
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby Eos » 8 May 2020, 14:27

I don't know if it is a good idea, but you could try this in another way.
Instead of thinking how to move on, maybe you should first try thinking why you should move on.

I'm not talking about the damage you are doing to yourself. You already feel those. But try to rationalize your relationship. Rationalize him. Why it didn't work. Why it can't work.

Once you've done that maybe you'll able to see the issue from another perspective.
Do not hesitate to seek professional help. They can always help in the process.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby scotty19 » 8 May 2020, 17:37

xiii_1991 wrote:So you know you should 'move on', but do you really want to?
It's ok feeling upset. But I think you still have to take some actions, while suffering(or enjoying?) the strong emotions.
If you do miss him, maybe you could try to have a contact to him? Or even go to meet? Or, if you don't want to bother him, just try to meet with some other guys more? And if the feelings are too hard for you, maybe you need an honest friend to talk to? Maybe you could get some encouragements from a friend.
Anyway, there are many actions you can take. Kept thinking about how to stop the feeling is gonna make you deeper on this.
So don't think too much, just take a step. And don't be afraid, you can always try again. You can never know how things would go before you had a try.
So just stand up and step out of the circle on the ground. It would be much easier than you thought. ;)


Hey! Thank you for this!

I just think it's because he was my first boyfriend and I've not had anyone else since him. He was the first person (other than family) who I properly fell in love with.

About a year after it finished, I messaged him. We were chatting for about a week and it died out. I did check his Instagram ages ago, and it seems he has someone else.

So it'll never happen again. As much as I'd love it to.

I guess I just need to get myself out there again.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby scotty19 » 8 May 2020, 17:39

Eos wrote:I don't know if it is a good idea, but you could try this in another way.
Instead of thinking how to move on, maybe you should first try thinking why you should move on.

I'm not talking about the damage you are doing to yourself. You already feel those. But try to rationalize your relationship. Rationalize him. Why it didn't work. Why it can't work.

Once you've done that maybe you'll able to see the issue from another perspective.
Do not hesitate to seek professional help. They can always help in the process.


Thank you.

I guess I do need to feel like that. It won't work as (looking at his Instagram), he has a boyfriend again.

Like I said to the person above, he just was my first boyfriend and he was the first non-family person I fell in love with. So it's just on my mind I guess. I just want those feelings again - with him or with someone else. I guess I kinda need to get myself out there again.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby Eryx » 8 May 2020, 18:16

Dreams are just dreams, over-analyzing them leads to nothing. The three things anyone needs to get over anyone, no matter how deep-felt the emotions were, are 1) Focusing exclusively on your goals and day-to-day challenges, improving yourself physically and mentally; 2) Be with friends and family that you enjoy being with as often as possible and for as long as possible (I realize this is difficult during quarantine, but there are ways around it) and 3) Meeting other guys who might want to stay with you and might even be more interesting.

I know how hard it is to feel like there will be a new, better guy out there when we feel like we've lost our one and only. My first boyfriend sucked and I got back with him twice before finally breaking things off definitively, and for those two times I was absolutely convinced that I was going to end up alone and that I should give it another chance because of the history we had together. That was bogus. My brain was playing tricks on me. My life is infinitely better on many fronts, including my own self-esteem, which makes it easier to move forward after a let-down.

Stop focusing on this story and on him. Do your best to see him as a page rather than the whole book. Two months is nothing. This is probably preparation for harder things you'll have to deal with in the future, such as breaking up with someone you've lived with for years. Reflect on that for a moment.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby scotty19 » 8 May 2020, 19:04

Eryx wrote:Dreams are just dreams, over-analyzing them leads to nothing. The three things anyone needs to get over anyone, no matter how deep-felt the emotions were, are 1) Focusing exclusively on your goals and day-to-day challenges, improving yourself physically and mentally; 2) Be with friends and family that you enjoy being with as often as possible and for as long as possible (I realize this is difficult during quarantine, but there are ways around it) and 3) Meeting other guys who might want to stay with you and might even be more interesting.

I know how hard it is to feel like there will be a new, better guy out there when we feel like we've lost our one and only. My first boyfriend sucked and I got back with him twice before finally breaking things off definitively, and for those two times I was absolutely convinced that I was going to end up alone and that I should give it another chance because of the history we had together. That was bogus. My brain was playing tricks on me. My life is infinitely better on many fronts, including my own self-esteem, which makes it easier to move forward after a let-down.

Stop focusing on this story and on him. Do your best to see him as a page rather than the whole book. Two months is nothing. This is probably preparation for harder things you'll have to deal with in the future, such as breaking up with someone you've lived with for years. Reflect on that for a moment.


Wow, thank you so much for this.

I recently had to buy some new parts for my bike. As soon as I sort it out (I'm off work next week for a week, so I'll do it then), I'm going to get myself more into cycling. I love it, it relaxes me and takes my mind off of things.

I think he's just been on my mind as nothing was ever negative with him, and I still kinda feel like I need an "answer", even though he ended it in the nicest way possible and he had a lot of time for me.

Yeah it's a bit hard during lockdown, but I'll definitely meet up with friends again when I can. I really need to!

You are definitely so right too. 2 months is indeed nothing. Maybe I just got a bit too over excited as he was my first boyfriend.

I'm sure in weeks/months to come, I will finally move on. I hope I do, and I want to. It's just silly dreams like this which gets in the way I guess.

I just need to put an end to this chapter, and continue on with my story.

Thank you so much for your reply though. I hope you're keeping safe!
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby Eos » 9 May 2020, 21:51

I don't know why you think your dream is getting in your way. Maybe it is personal, but for me when I dream about something I am really focused on, it helps me clear my mind. A dream allow you to reboot yourself in some way. So in fact your dream might end up help you.
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Re: It's been 2 years, I still miss him. Help!

Unread postby acpro » 10 May 2020, 03:14

Go out and date, date, date and then date more. I'm not saying be a slut or speed date. But I mean, go on dates with people until you find someone you like and fall in love with again (hopefully). It's okay to still have feelings for him. Some people never get over their ex their entire lives. Some people marry and but aren't in love with their partner. It's sort of cruel. So your best chances of finding and falling in love again is by getting out there an dating.
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