Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

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Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 21 May 2020, 14:30

I am 30yo, never had a bf or a relationship, never even slept with the same person more than twice, and the 'loneliness' feeling is growing on me more and more. I seem to have a good life in all other aspects of my life but relationships is a sore point.

Issues I face/what I have tried:

1. 'Sex' apps for me result in a high hit rate i.e. Grindr. So if I want sex, it is there and available with hot guys. As soon as I try non-sex apps like Tinder, Hinge etc, it results in a good hit rate still, but is again chat chat chat and never a meet. Even if the chat becomes sexual, it is more like they are rubbing off themselves from what I am saying vs actually physically meeting. I have never met anyone for a date/sex i.e. 'physically' outside of Grindr (or even outside of Grindr the app itself). I have offered coffee, pizza, cinema etc to guys, all agree but no one ever meets me until and unless I offer sex (or typically they do and then I agree).

2. I have tried to focus on increasing my gay friend circle but this is proving difficult also. If I am friends with a vers/bottom guy, I grow on him and he starts to like me, but I don't in that way, and the friendship then becomes weird for me. I rarely can find any tops in London let alone friends, as they always end up bottoming for me (or sucking me off) at some point. I'm not bragging, genuinely this is an issue. I have joined LGBT clubs/meetups, sport activities, and the lot, but felt no connection to anyone.

3. I struggle with finding guys who mentally AND physically stimulates me. It always seems to be one or the other. I've had infatuations - which last 24-48 hours - but I'm also able to quickly move on if things are not going anywhere with someone. I've never felt or been in love with a guy. I want to get to know guys at a deeper level... which requires investment of time from both sides... which someone rarely offers so the Grindr cycle just keeps repeating itself. To be fair on the guys also, I don't think I've slept with someone and then felt a strong urge to want to sleep with them again either. A few of the returns I just 'did it' because it was convenient if I am 100% honest.

4. I went to a sex therapist to see if I was 'addicted' or something and was told I'm fine. I went off apps completely for 9 months to see who came into my life and no one did. I went to various other therapists and relationship coaches and all of them said I have the right tools/mindset/personality for a good relationship (i.e. am emotionally available and don't seem to be doing anything to drive people off)... which begs the question of why no one seems to invest in me.

An observation I have made is I seem to be 'more desirable' when I travel (to the US etc) and when I speak to guys who are visiting because I am an exotic mix of races also and 'different' to the typical white muscled gay on the market. But this may also be because it is 'temporary' i.e. they know I am leaving/they are leaving so it is more 'hot' somehow. I have gone back to guys I slept with also asking why they basically vanished and have never received feedback about myself - it *always* seems circumstantial e.g. I moved away, I got a bf etc.

I am really really lost what to do to self improve even further before something changes for me.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby ShutUpAndBeHappy » 21 May 2020, 14:56

A lot of what you shared resonates with my own experience. I'm 25, and until recently I experienced that crippling loneliness. Getting back on my antidepressant helped, but I wasn't able to get over it until I met my boyfriend. This isn't ideal, because other issues replaced the loneliness, and I'm often left feeling down even though I have everything to be grateful for an enjoy. I started having sex in earnest at 23, and I experienced a feeling of being delayed and wanting to catch up. That was nonsense, but I had to experience things to learn.

1. Yep. This is very common. I had the same experience - grindr and scruff would result is a lot of interactions, and guys who wanted to meet often. It was nice, but after a couple of bad encounters I decided not to look strictly for hookups. I got on tinder, and just as you describe - so many matches, little conversation, nothing really goes anywhere. Now, I know that no one is really there for sex (I tell myself). I have a difficult time simply messaging or texting a guy and keeping romantic interest in him. Texts between physical meetings are much better. A lot of times, people really are just out for sex. It's something that everyone moans about - no real advice here.

2. "When you got it, you got it." I don't look for gay male friends intentionally - in fact, all of my male friends are straight. Sleeping with friends might be a safer experience than random guys from apps, because you are comfortable with them to some degree. Who knows, it might even turn into something more? Why does someone developing an attraction to you make the friendship feel weird? Would you rather they were attracted but didn't tell you? Sounds like you should try having gay male friends and intentionally not sleeping with them, see where it goes friendship-wise. It can be amazing to have someone to share things with who can truly empathize, without seeing them as an option to bang.

3. Everyone struggles with this, you're not alone. Do you think you "move on" too early? Is it difficult for you to maintain interest? Being horny and sleeping with the most convenient "someone" isn't going to create the connection you're looking for, you might reconsider your approach. Maybe save the goods until a deeper connection emerges, and sex may deepen (heh) your connection.

4. Wow, it's like I wrote this one. No one is going to come into your life. You don't need to be on apps if they don't work for you, but you have to put in effort, and "put yourself out there". Put the work in.

Ehh. As an American, it depends where you are. You might look exotic in Ohio but blend in with the crowd in Florida or California. You seem to think you're hot stuff, which is awesome. Do you think you're nice to talk to? Do you feel capable of participating in a real connection? Having connections and forming bonds takes so much work, and fucking doesn't. You really have to put yourself in the frame of mind for one or the other - in my experience.

How do you feel about yourself, personally? Do you think you'd be nice to date?

Upon introspection when I had issues like this, I realized I was a hot fucking mess in many ways, and began to work on myself - that also helped the loneliness to stop, mostly.

What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Where do you experience the most drive and passion?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 21 May 2020, 20:26

Great response - thanks!

I spend most of my spare time at the moment in the gym training, swimming, finishing my masters, doing freelance work and volunteering work. I get most motivation from my career/work tbh and training as I can 'see' a result (and it also pays my bills lol and it is genuinely something I am good at and enjoy). I get a real thrill and happiness with work in general; similar to when having sex with a hot person; but also get a thrill from a nice deep conversation with a smart friend I have or just talking freely about world topics. I am happy with myself generally, just this aspect of my life seems to not be going anywhere and given I am a 'fixer/solver/data driven' I naturally ask why. Hence the therapy. But when they also are coming up empty on how I can improve myself, I am lost again. I don't think relocating is going to solve the problem... the problem seems to be me because the stats cannot just be 'bad luck' at this point. I also went to therapy to explore my past and check if I was depressed but I've never been diagnosed with anything (and I've gone multiple times over the past 8 years to 'check in').

I think I am super nice to date which is why I am surprised I find myself in this situation. I honestly thought it would just be 1-2 years of sleeping around and bam someone will resonate with me and we would be dating from there. But its just been hookup after hookup and then when I am looking back (which happens more now doe to covid and a lack of 'distractions') I am concerned.

I seem to act the same way with straight and gay people (when meeting/friending them) and straight people seem to last ages and become friends. Even at work, part of my job is developing interpersonal relationships, and I do well. So its not so much a relationship that I have trouble keeping. It is being able to connect with a gay guy beyond the sex. There have been guys I wanted to meet again and message them, the chats continue, but I agree with you that in person is best, so I'm trying to arrange this but it just doesn't happen for me.

I don't think I'm on a search per say. It is more an analysis into the past as to why things have not happened for me, incase I can tweak things and get better results going forward. It is just really strange that I seem to be good enough to sleep with the hottest of the hottest. yet, don't seem to be good enough (in their eyes) to invest beyond a shag? I cannot seem to understand what is putting them so off... and it can't always also be the environment/city etc because plenty of guys I know have partners, fuck buddies, etc here just fine.

Comments on the above:
1. Cool.
2. It becomes weird if they keep trying to hit on me or ask for naked pics and make it sound like that is 'normal' in friendships when it isn't. I've had a couple of gay fiends who make light jokes about sleeping with me but its not 'in my face' and that is fine. I've never had a friendship (straight or gay) where I wanted to sleep with the guy or had any sexual interest in him after speaking to him. All my sexual interest seems to be only initially (but that may be because I've just never been through a different experience idk).
3. I do move on if (a) they don't reply (b) I can clearly see they have flown away or (c) I didn't feel anything / there is absolutely no 'click'. If there is even a 10% chance of something, I always message back. It is typically them who will reply and chat chat chat but never physically meet. I am trying to save sex until we connect but no one seems to want to connect/date - only chat online - until I offer sex. It is frustrating.
4. What work can I put in? How else do I meet gay guys?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 21 June 2020, 21:11

Bump on this thread.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 17 July 2020, 20:44

Lets dream a little. What would the ideal encounter look like for you on an app? What would happen? Tell me a story from the beginning to end.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 18 July 2020, 18:50

theoux wrote:Lets dream a little. What would the ideal encounter look like for you on an app? What would happen? Tell me a story from the beginning to end.


Good question.
We swap pics and like each other physically.
We chat a little online so it’s not so cold.
We meet up. Have sex. Chat before or after and find something in common.
Exchange WhatsApp and continue chat there.
(This is where 99% of my stories end).
We meet again, maybe dinner first outside, potentially sleepover and more chat.
We continue WhatsApp chat, keep meeting, he asks for us to be serious or exclusive or something.
We integrate into each other lives more - meet family and friends etc over time of each other etc and go from there.
Not really thought about it much tbh.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 18 July 2020, 19:19

Hi Lostinspace94,

Thanks for responsing. In the journey you described: swapping pics ->Liking each other -> meetinf up -> having sex -> chatting before or after (sex) to find something in common.....where do things tend to go wrong the most?


lostinspace94 wrote:
theoux wrote:Lets dream a little. What would the ideal encounter look like for you on an app? What would happen? Tell me a story from the beginning to end.


Good question.
We swap pics and like each other physically.
We chat a little online so it’s not so cold.
We meet up. Have sex. Chat before or after and find something in common.
Exchange WhatsApp and continue chat there.
(This is where 99% of my stories end).
We meet again, maybe dinner first outside, potentially sleepover and more chat.
We continue WhatsApp chat, keep meeting, he asks for us to be serious or exclusive or something.
We integrate into each other lives more - meet family and friends etc over time of each other etc and go from there.
Not really thought about it much tbh.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby Eos » 19 July 2020, 06:55

From my experiences, things go "wrong" right after the first meet. I often lack interest for the other person. I guess it must happen as well on the other side.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 19 July 2020, 07:26

Hi Eos,

Understandable. why do you think you lose interest?

Eos wrote:From my experiences, things go "wrong" right after the first meet. I often lack interest for the other person. I guess it must happen as well on the other side.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 20 July 2020, 20:50

I second what Eos said.
I just don’t feel any connection with them.
If I do and we make conversation then I will follow up on WhatsApp.
But as Eos said, after the first meet is where the drop happens. Very very rarely I will meet anyone for the second time (even if I am interested and we have WhatsApp chat I e may be met 2 guys again in 8 years) which is kinda insane.
So then I just move on.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby Eos » 21 July 2020, 05:23

Most of the time I don't like to be with people being over excited toward me. Sometimes I am not passionate about the other person's life. Sometimes bad manners (like stop wanting to hug me, I don't even know you...). There seem to be something lacking, can't be sure what it is.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 21 July 2020, 08:29

lostinspace94 wrote:I second what Eos said.
I just don’t feel any connection with them.
If I do and we make conversation then I will follow up on WhatsApp.
But as Eos said, after the first meet is where the drop happens. Very very rarely I will meet anyone for the second time (even if I am interested and we have WhatsApp chat I e may be met 2 guys again in 8 years) which is kinda insane.
So then I just move on.


Let me see if I understand. So "the drop" happens with guys you don't feel a connection with. In the last 8 years, you have only had repeat dates with 2 guys, followed up with a conversation on Whatsapp. I don't think its insane. Personally, I was the same way for four years (and content with it) after a 7 year relationship. Reflecting on it, maybe I was a little cynical and liked my independence.

But curious about what was different about the two guys with whom you had more than 1 date?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 21 July 2020, 09:01

Eos wrote:Most of the time I don't like to be with people being over excited toward me. Sometimes I am not passionate about the other person's life. Sometimes bad manners (like stop wanting to hug me, I don't even know you...). There seem to be something lacking, can't be sure what it is.


When you say over excited towards you do you mean being high energy in general or being/showing a lot of interest in you? Hmm can you recall time when you experienced the "something lacking?" It can be in any context.

From my own personal experience, I'm quite introverted with a preference for being in the background. It can be unnerving to be at the center of someone's affections.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby Eos » 21 July 2020, 17:23

Not high energy, I think I would like that actually. It is that they are showing a lot of interest in me. It make me feel like I'm in a different universe than them.

Something lacking...One example : I was wondering what X person liked to do in life everyday. He told me he passed most of his time cleaning his house. Even though he like videos games. And he sometimes like to watch documentary on YouTube. It felt like the only thing he did was his cleaning, as he always was saying he didn't have anytime. I don't know he lied about his occupation but either way his life sound so boring.
I don't know, but with me I could talk for hours about some games, about movies or series I like, because I am damn passionate about those things !
And I never felt such passion from anybody.

I may be expecting too much (even though I really don't what I expect), but I won't enter in a relationship that feels boring right from the start.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 21 July 2020, 19:00

theoux wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:I second what Eos said.
I just don’t feel any connection with them.
If I do and we make conversation then I will follow up on WhatsApp.
But as Eos said, after the first meet is where the drop happens. Very very rarely I will meet anyone for the second time (even if I am interested and we have WhatsApp chat I e may be met 2 guys again in 8 years) which is kinda insane.
So then I just move on.


Let me see if I understand. So "the drop" happens with guys you don't feel a connection with. In the last 8 years, you have only had repeat dates with 2 guys, followed up with a conversation on Whatsapp. I don't think its insane. Personally, I was the same way for four years (and content with it) after a 7 year relationship. Reflecting on it, maybe I was a little cynical and liked my independence.

But curious about what was different about the two guys with whom you had more than 1 date?


The drop happens because they don’t come back.
Several engage on WhatsApp after but it’s chat chat chat and ever a meet. The difference is these guys met me again and quickly not months later when I am not interested anymore. I have no idea what was different.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 21 July 2020, 19:02

Eos wrote:Not high energy, I think I would like that actually. It is that they are showing a lot of interest in me. It make me feel like I'm in a different universe than them.

Something lacking...One example : I was wondering what X person liked to do in life everyday. He told me he passed most of his time cleaning his house. Even though he like videos games. And he sometimes like to watch documentary on YouTube. It felt like the only thing he did was his cleaning, as he always was saying he didn't have anytime. I don't know he lied about his occupation but either way his life sound so boring.
I don't know, but with me I could talk for hours about some games, about movies or series I like, because I am damn passionate about those things !
And I never felt such passion from anybody.

I may be expecting too much (even though I really don't what I expect), but I won't enter in a relationship that feels boring right from the start.


I have the same issue.
I am super passionate about many things and struggle to find someone who can even talk in some level of depth about even one thing. :(
Sucks.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 21 July 2020, 19:40

So guys from a scale 1-10; 1=its me, 10=just havent found someone whom interests/(id say engage) me, where are we in our dating woes?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 22 July 2020, 17:28

theoux wrote:So guys from a scale 1-10; 1=its me, 10=just havent found someone whom interests/(id say engage) me, where are we in our dating woes?


9 lol
Tbf the few who did interest me I felt we were more friends than wanted sex with them again.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 24 July 2020, 14:49

lostinspace94 wrote:
theoux wrote:So guys from a scale 1-10; 1=its me, 10=just havent found someone whom interests/(id say engage) me, where are we in our dating woes?


9 lol
Tbf the few who did interest me I felt we were more friends than wanted sex with them again.



lol where does wanting them as friends instead of xyz sit with you?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 24 July 2020, 17:33

theoux wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:
theoux wrote:So guys from a scale 1-10; 1=its me, 10=just havent found someone whom interests/(id say engage) me, where are we in our dating woes?


9 lol
Tbf the few who did interest me I felt we were more friends than wanted sex with them again.



lol where does wanting them as friends instead of xyz sit with you?


Friends is nice tbh.
But the fact that I don’t want sex with them again is unfortunate.
So then my search continues. :/
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