Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 24 July 2020, 17:50

lostinspace94 wrote:
theoux wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:
theoux wrote:So guys from a scale 1-10; 1=its me, 10=just havent found someone whom interests/(id say engage) me, where are we in our dating woes?


9 lol
Tbf the few who did interest me I felt we were more friends than wanted sex with them again.



lol where does wanting them as friends instead of xyz sit with you?


Friends is nice tbh.
But the fact that I don’t want sex with them again is unfortunate.
So then my search continues. :/


understandable...is there anything that an app can do to make your search easier better/more efficient?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 24 July 2020, 19:26

Is difficult as the only 2 people I hooked up with who became friends I honestly didn’t have a ‘special’ filter for. They were ‘just’ a hookup and we just happened to get talking once we met and clicked. Click is not *that* hard to find but is not that often either unfortunately as many hookups are quite transactional (from their side too). For me it’s usually external circumstances that ruin things eg they are visiting, not looking for more than NSA and so on.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 25 July 2020, 11:19

lostinspace94 wrote:Is difficult as the only 2 people I hooked up with who became friends I honestly didn’t have a ‘special’ filter for. They were ‘just’ a hookup and we just happened to get talking once we met and clicked. Click is not *that* hard to find but is not that often either unfortunately as many hookups are quite transactional (from their side too). For me it’s usually external circumstances that ruin things eg they are visiting, not looking for more than NSA and so on.


Thats interesting, if you had a special filter on a gay app to help you find what you want, what would it do?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 25 July 2020, 17:33

theoux wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:Is difficult as the only 2 people I hooked up with who became friends I honestly didn’t have a ‘special’ filter for. They were ‘just’ a hookup and we just happened to get talking once we met and clicked. Click is not *that* hard to find but is not that often either unfortunately as many hookups are quite transactional (from their side too). For me it’s usually external circumstances that ruin things eg they are visiting, not looking for more than NSA and so on.


Thats interesting, if you had a special filter on a gay app to help you find what you want, what would it do?


> The one whoever that is wherever he is
> Others
LOL
Actually, not a joke.
If I even have to move for a happy life with him why not. I have a good career and can work from another office easily.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 26 July 2020, 07:53

I mean now thinking about it further, it doesn’t even make sense why I lack gay friends, even if they are from another country. It’s so easy to stay in touch in today’s generation wherever you are. So I guess it’s the complete disappearance I don’t still understand ... like I can’t be ‘that’ bad? Maybe all the gay men I meet are emotionally unavailable or just don’t feel any connect or something but then this is a LOT of men and I’m surprised this applies to everyone. As I get older also it becomes harder and harder to make friends because everyone has their own group or something now and it is difficult to bring a new person in. Therefore I focus on the relationship side as that is pretty much a friend with benefits situation. But that is not taking off either like not even a basic first date. This is my concern really.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 26 July 2020, 09:38

lostinspace94 wrote:I mean now thinking about it further, it doesn’t even make sense why I lack gay friends, even if they are from another country. It’s so easy to stay in touch in today’s generation wherever you are. So I guess it’s the complete disappearance I don’t still understand ... like I can’t be ‘that’ bad? Maybe all the gay men I meet are emotionally unavailable or just don’t feel any connect or something but then this is a LOT of men and I’m surprised this applies to everyone. As I get older also it becomes harder and harder to make friends because everyone has their own group or something now and it is difficult to bring a new person in. Therefore I focus on the relationship side as that is pretty much a friend with benefits situation. But that is not taking off either like not even a basic first date. This is my concern really.



That sounds lonely mate. im sorry. Do you think its your location? Also have you ever considered a meetup?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 26 July 2020, 09:45

theoux wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:I mean now thinking about it further, it doesn’t even make sense why I lack gay friends, even if they are from another country. It’s so easy to stay in touch in today’s generation wherever you are. So I guess it’s the complete disappearance I don’t still understand ... like I can’t be ‘that’ bad? Maybe all the gay men I meet are emotionally unavailable or just don’t feel any connect or something but then this is a LOT of men and I’m surprised this applies to everyone. As I get older also it becomes harder and harder to make friends because everyone has their own group or something now and it is difficult to bring a new person in. Therefore I focus on the relationship side as that is pretty much a friend with benefits situation. But that is not taking off either like not even a basic first date. This is my concern really.



That sounds lonely mate. im sorry. Do you think its your location? Also have you ever considered a meetup?


It is lonely - which is what I have been trying to change. But I also feel like unless I offer something like sex, my flat, pay for dinner etc no one will even bother with me given there are so many other options nowerdays. I feel this is the mentality of people also.

I think location could be a factor. When I go the US I have the opposite experience i.e. almost everyone I sleep with messages back / actually offers to meet again, except then I am visiting so then I leave. That said there was one guy who stayed in touch and every 6 months we would bang when I was in town. But that faded because I swapped jobs and never went back (and there wasn’t much chat in between btw so we were not exactly ‘friends’). I have tried to relocate but my jobs previously I’ve been screwed by managers etc but I am not loosing hope as my current job and company is good so that may be on the table still. Seems extreme to move for love though but maybe it is what it is. Both of my gay friends Who I had sex with are also not from this country - one is American one is from Cape Town.

But this is based on limited data. Most of the guys I see on Grindr and otherwise who have a partner are all local. So clearly it is possible and I live in a city which is very gay so... no excuses.

I have been to meet-ups, cross fit classes, LGBT specific meet ups, charity events, did a masters, joined LGBT group in my company (which is huge and global) etc and still nothing. No date or anything. They speak to me then and it fizzles. I only had sex with people through Grindr mostly, Scruff maybe for the US. But countless other apps don’t work for me eg Tinder lots of matches and conversations but 0 meets.
I am pretty out there. Which is why it’s more frustrating no one sticks. I am super nice and have so much to offer I just don’t get it anymore.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 26 July 2020, 10:08

lostinspace94 wrote:
theoux wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:I mean now thinking about it further, it doesn’t even make sense why I lack gay friends, even if they are from another country. It’s so easy to stay in touch in today’s generation wherever you are. So I guess it’s the complete disappearance I don’t still understand ... like I can’t be ‘that’ bad? Maybe all the gay men I meet are emotionally unavailable or just don’t feel any connect or something but then this is a LOT of men and I’m surprised this applies to everyone. As I get older also it becomes harder and harder to make friends because everyone has their own group or something now and it is difficult to bring a new person in. Therefore I focus on the relationship side as that is pretty much a friend with benefits situation. But that is not taking off either like not even a basic first date. This is my concern really.



That sounds lonely mate. im sorry. Do you think its your location? Also have you ever considered a meetup?


It is lonely - which is what I have been trying to change. But I also feel like unless I offer something like sex, my flat, pay for dinner etc no one will even bother with me given there are so many other options nowerdays. I feel this is the mentality of people also.

I think location could be a factor. When I go the US I have the opposite experience i.e. almost everyone I sleep with messages back / actually offers to meet again, except then I am visiting so then I leave. That said there was one guy who stayed in touch and every 6 months we would bang when I was in town. But that faded because I swapped jobs and never went back (and there wasn’t much chat in between btw so we were not exactly ‘friends’). I have tried to relocate but my jobs previously I’ve been screwed by managers etc but I am not loosing hope as my current job and company is good so that may be on the table still. Seems extreme to move for love though but maybe it is what it is. Both of my gay friends Who I had sex with are also not from this country - one is American one is from Cape Town.

But this is based on limited data. Most of the guys I see on Grindr and otherwise who have a partner are all local. So clearly it is possible and I live in a city which is very gay so... no excuses.

I have been to meet-ups, cross fit classes, LGBT specific meet ups, charity events, did a masters, joined LGBT group in my company (which is huge and global) etc and still nothing. No date or anything. They speak to me then and it fizzles. I only had sex with people through Grindr mostly, Scruff maybe for the US. But countless other apps don’t work for me eg Tinder lots of matches and conversations but 0 meets.
I am pretty out there. Which is why it’s more frustrating no one sticks. I am super nice and have so much to offer I just don’t get it anymore.



Friend,

Please relinquish the idea that there is nothing wrong with you. Some of it may involve the locality, timing..many factors. But what are the chances that there are other guys who feel like you? If there are some, then what gets in the way of you guys finding each other?

Also ive heard that convos on Tinder don't go anywhere but confused because gays use it for relationship and friends. What happens on there.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 26 July 2020, 20:33

theoux wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:
theoux wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:I mean now thinking about it further, it doesn’t even make sense why I lack gay friends, even if they are from another country. It’s so easy to stay in touch in today’s generation wherever you are. So I guess it’s the complete disappearance I don’t still understand ... like I can’t be ‘that’ bad? Maybe all the gay men I meet are emotionally unavailable or just don’t feel any connect or something but then this is a LOT of men and I’m surprised this applies to everyone. As I get older also it becomes harder and harder to make friends because everyone has their own group or something now and it is difficult to bring a new person in. Therefore I focus on the relationship side as that is pretty much a friend with benefits situation. But that is not taking off either like not even a basic first date. This is my concern really.



That sounds lonely mate. im sorry. Do you think its your location? Also have you ever considered a meetup?


It is lonely - which is what I have been trying to change. But I also feel like unless I offer something like sex, my flat, pay for dinner etc no one will even bother with me given there are so many other options nowerdays. I feel this is the mentality of people also.

I think location could be a factor. When I go the US I have the opposite experience i.e. almost everyone I sleep with messages back / actually offers to meet again, except then I am visiting so then I leave. That said there was one guy who stayed in touch and every 6 months we would bang when I was in town. But that faded because I swapped jobs and never went back (and there wasn’t much chat in between btw so we were not exactly ‘friends’). I have tried to relocate but my jobs previously I’ve been screwed by managers etc but I am not loosing hope as my current job and company is good so that may be on the table still. Seems extreme to move for love though but maybe it is what it is. Both of my gay friends Who I had sex with are also not from this country - one is American one is from Cape Town.

But this is based on limited data. Most of the guys I see on Grindr and otherwise who have a partner are all local. So clearly it is possible and I live in a city which is very gay so... no excuses.

I have been to meet-ups, cross fit classes, LGBT specific meet ups, charity events, did a masters, joined LGBT group in my company (which is huge and global) etc and still nothing. No date or anything. They speak to me then and it fizzles. I only had sex with people through Grindr mostly, Scruff maybe for the US. But countless other apps don’t work for me eg Tinder lots of matches and conversations but 0 meets.
I am pretty out there. Which is why it’s more frustrating no one sticks. I am super nice and have so much to offer I just don’t get it anymore.



Friend,

Please relinquish the idea that there is nothing wrong with you. Some of it may involve the locality, timing..many factors. But what are the chances that there are other guys who feel like you? If there are some, then what gets in the way of you guys finding each other?

Also ive heard that convos on Tinder don't go anywhere but confused because gays use it for relationship and friends. What happens on there.


Good question. Hence my thread as I have no answers. :D
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby Eos » 27 July 2020, 07:42

Where are you from ?
I'm personally waiting to move out for my next internship to restart looking actively for a BF.
Also a bit of advice, from the experiences I learned from others, many found love when they stopped looking for it. It often happens just like that.
I don't how it works though ^^
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 27 July 2020, 08:50

lostinspace94 wrote:
theoux wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:
theoux wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:I mean now thinking about it further, it doesn’t even make sense why I lack gay friends, even if they are from another country. It’s so easy to stay in touch in today’s generation wherever you are. So I guess it’s the complete disappearance I don’t still understand ... like I can’t be ‘that’ bad? Maybe all the gay men I meet are emotionally unavailable or just don’t feel any connect or something but then this is a LOT of men and I’m surprised this applies to everyone. As I get older also it becomes harder and harder to make friends because everyone has their own group or something now and it is difficult to bring a new person in. Therefore I focus on the relationship side as that is pretty much a friend with benefits situation. But that is not taking off either like not even a basic first date. This is my concern really.



That sounds lonely mate. im sorry. Do you think its your location? Also have you ever considered a meetup?


It is lonely - which is what I have been trying to change. But I also feel like unless I offer something like sex, my flat, pay for dinner etc no one will even bother with me given there are so many other options nowerdays. I feel this is the mentality of people also.

I think location could be a factor. When I go the US I have the opposite experience i.e. almost everyone I sleep with messages back / actually offers to meet again, except then I am visiting so then I leave. That said there was one guy who stayed in touch and every 6 months we would bang when I was in town. But that faded because I swapped jobs and never went back (and there wasn’t much chat in between btw so we were not exactly ‘friends’). I have tried to relocate but my jobs previously I’ve been screwed by managers etc but I am not loosing hope as my current job and company is good so that may be on the table still. Seems extreme to move for love though but maybe it is what it is. Both of my gay friends Who I had sex with are also not from this country - one is American one is from Cape Town.

But this is based on limited data. Most of the guys I see on Grindr and otherwise who have a partner are all local. So clearly it is possible and I live in a city which is very gay so... no excuses.

I have been to meet-ups, cross fit classes, LGBT specific meet ups, charity events, did a masters, joined LGBT group in my company (which is huge and global) etc and still nothing. No date or anything. They speak to me then and it fizzles. I only had sex with people through Grindr mostly, Scruff maybe for the US. But countless other apps don’t work for me eg Tinder lots of matches and conversations but 0 meets.
I am pretty out there. Which is why it’s more frustrating no one sticks. I am super nice and have so much to offer I just don’t get it anymore.



Friend,

Please relinquish the idea that there is nothing wrong with you. Some of it may involve the locality, timing..many factors. But what are the chances that there are other guys who feel like you? If there are some, then what gets in the way of you guys finding each other?

Also ive heard that convos on Tinder don't go anywhere but confused because gays use it for relationship and friends. What happens on there.


Good question. Hence my thread as I have no answers. :D


Hmm let me ask you this. Are you more likely to ask the person on a date or wait for them to ask you on a date? know you say they don't usually bite until you offer sex but I'm unsure what happens before then?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 27 July 2020, 09:16

Eos wrote:Where are you from ?
I'm personally waiting to move out for my next internship to restart looking actively for a BF.
Also a bit of advice, from the experiences I learned from others, many found love when they stopped looking for it. It often happens just like that.
I don't how it works though ^^



Hi Eos,
Speaking from my experience, I think the hardest part of the love thing is learning to live with oneself. Relationships are deeply meaningful and rewarding but can also be tricky if we don't reflect and process our emotions. The biggest lesson I learned was making sure I was not relying on a relationship to fix or fulfill something internally. Not to get too personal, I was subjected to a fair amount of trauma, neglect and isolation in childhood. Always felt different and quite not like the other guys.Was deathly afraid of being found and so I often self-isolated which resulted in loneliness and some depression. Yes, I escaped it and went on to college but the scars were still there. So I wanted a relationship so that the person wouldn't leave me and I will always feel valued (unconsciously driven). As such, I was "overly enthusiastic" and I'd say "clingy" lol. Scared a few guys away. Gave myself 4 years to deal with my issues, become emotionally and mentally independent. Low and behold, I became sought after when I just backed off. Anyway, healing is daily but nonetheless I learned never do more than the other person. Always match the other person. This went out the window when I was in search mode. Of course, its your choice but it needs to be conscious decision without expectation for the other person to reciprocate; its better to err on the side that they wont so you're not disappointed.
This is just what came up for me in your comment of actively looking for a BF.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby Eos » 27 July 2020, 19:08

I am completely fine with myself, even though I wasn't some years ago, today I am so happy with me that I sometimes wonder why am I even looking for someone.
Well I know why, but it's only for long term goal on my life.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 27 July 2020, 19:42

Eos wrote:I am completely fine with myself, even though I wasn't some years ago, today I am so happy with me that I sometimes wonder why am I even looking for someone.
Well I know why, but it's only for long term goal on my life.


Awesome! i just wanted to be sure. You deserve love and happiness. It will happen. xx
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby PopTart » 27 July 2020, 20:12

So you guys rely mostly on apps for forming relationships? Be they friendship or otherwise?

I ask as it's my experience, that over reliance on digital forms of communication and networking, while great for career advancement and cultivating contacts, kinda sucks for interpersonal relationships.

Honestly, could you be relying too much on those means of communicating? I find I struggle to engage half asmuch via a digital platform, it's easy to get distracted from conversations. It's harder to form emotional connections based upon sort hand whatapps messages.

You each mention that you meet only once for sex and rarely a second time.

Have you tried meeting someone you like and NOT having sex right away? There is something to be said for building anticipation and also giving yourself and the other person time, to suprise you with hidden qualities, facets and passions that either they lack the confidence to share on a first meeting or feel comfortable sharing right away? While it might seem odd, some people find it easier to engage in sex, thatnin opening up on an emotional level.

They both carry risk but only one has a gaurentee of a happy outcome in atleast some way.

For example, I've met alot of gay men, who are into gaming, but hate to admit it, as the gay community doesn't ezactly embrace that activity (that is changing but the perception hasn't quite cuaght up) so it's a passion they will hide under a bushel. Are you expressing your own passion for the subject, coaxing it out of them? Letting them know it's okay to express their passions, even if they are ones you share, the important thing is to have a zest, for... something!

Sometimes you have to put a little in, to get a little out.

Have you considered that you may be sexually intimidating? Odd to ask, after saying that many people find it easier to have sex than form connections but hear me out, I have noticed alot of gay men are more intimidated by sex in general, than the global perception would seem to imply. Gay men are more anxious about sex than grindr and porn would say. If you look sexy and you come along with a vague attitude of distance and aloofness, you might actually be a tad intimidating to guys. Not you're fault, but if they are suddenly very subdued, it might be they lack confidence and are frightened of saying anything, for fear they will say the wrong thing, because here you are, looking amazing and they actually like you but, you might be hard to read. inspiring caution and reservedness.

How are you one these dates? Outgoing etc?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 27 July 2020, 20:53

Eos

Not looking for love. Just reflecting back and wondering why I’ve not been in love or even had a relationship or anything more really. I doubt doing more of the same thing will result in a different outcome.

I am happy with myself in all other aspects of life. Just my relationships seem non existent and I don’t know anymore how to improve this. I can’t make relationships in my head or force someone... but I also can’t improve alone on this... I need participation but if no one can be bothered then what do I do?

Theoux

I am not looking for a relationship ‘for’ something. I am self sufficient. I just want some company so even a gay friendship would be nice. It’s just a basic human need. And I can’t even seem to get this and idk why.

If I start playing the matching game, I won’t even get laid. I already tried this strategy and I’m sorry but it doesn’t work. One side always gives a little more than the other and it’s always me in my case.

PopTart

Yes because all other avenues have had 0 results.

I always push for a physical meet-up but if they want to hide behind text communication then this will happen and then fizzle (for reasons you probably said). But if they don’t get off their ass and meet for a coffee I’m stuck.

I have tried many times to not meet directly for sex. Then no one meets me. Despite whatever we chat about before or whatever we have in common. Unless sex is on the table no one has ever met me physically (hence I’ve never been on a date).

If after sex I like them and want to engage (or they reach out and I didn’t hate them lol) it’s again all online despite me asking for a beer / coffee etc outside - and then never so we meet again.

I agree about the emotional level. Issue is if you never meet me it’s hard to get there. That said, a handful of guys have shared emotional things, as have I, but the drift/vanish still happens.

I cannot answer if I am sexually intimidating - you have to ask the guys I sleep with this. I am clear with my emotions and pick things up fast and being ‘in control’ and not screwing people over scares some insecure unstable people sure but then I wouldn’t want I be with them anyway.

On the hookup dates most of the time brief words are exchanged (I say hi, offer a drink, we start usually, have sex, I kiss them bye most of the time). In the cases where we chat then WhatsApp is exchanged but those go nowhere.

I still have no clue what was different about to the 2 guys who did end up becoming friends as I replay those things in my head over and over and can’t see any difference. And now I can’t ask one of them either (I did try when we were friends also and discussing these such issues but got no answer anyway). My other friend did respond but his response makes 0 sense for the hundreds of guys I’ve been with.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 27 July 2020, 21:11

PopTart wrote:So you guys rely mostly on apps for forming relationships? Be they friendship or otherwise?

I ask as it's my experience, that over reliance on digital forms of communication and networking, while great for career advancement and cultivating contacts, kinda sucks for interpersonal relationships.

Honestly, could you be relying too much on those means of communicating? I find I struggle to engage half asmuch via a digital platform, it's easy to get distracted from conversations. It's harder to form emotional connections based upon sort hand whatapps messages.

You each mention that you meet only once for sex and rarely a second time.

Have you tried meeting someone you like and NOT having sex right away? There is something to be said for building anticipation and also giving yourself and the other person time, to suprise you with hidden qualities, facets and passions that either they lack the confidence to share on a first meeting or feel comfortable sharing right away? While it might seem odd, some people find it easier to engage in sex, thatnin opening up on an emotional level.

They both carry risk but only one has a gaurentee of a happy outcome in atleast some way.

For example, I've met alot of gay men, who are into gaming, but hate to admit it, as the gay community doesn't ezactly embrace that activity (that is changing but the perception hasn't quite cuaght up) so it's a passion they will hide under a bushel. Are you expressing your own passion for the subject, coaxing it out of them? Letting them know it's okay to express their passions, even if they are ones you share, the important thing is to have a zest, for... something!

Sometimes you have to put a little in, to get a little out.

Have you considered that you may be sexually intimidating? Odd to ask, after saying that many people find it easier to have sex than form connections but hear me out, I have noticed alot of gay men are more intimidated by sex in general, than the global perception would seem to imply. Gay men are more anxious about sex than grindr and porn would say. If you look sexy and you come along with a vague attitude of distance and aloofness, you might actually be a tad intimidating to guys. Not you're fault, but if they are suddenly very subdued, it might be they lack confidence and are frightened of saying anything, for fear they will say the wrong thing, because here you are, looking amazing and they actually like you but, you might be hard to read. inspiring caution and reservedness.

How are you one these dates? Outgoing etc?


Hi Poptart,

You ask a lot of great questions and offer great insight. Personally, i take a why not? approach to forming connections on apps. Currently, they may not be ideal for relationships but that doesnt mean we cant figure out and integrate what works in forming connections. For instance, if a certain amount of vulnerability is needed build connections why not somehow integrate this within the app so that people have this option for forming connections? i think you are saying a level of vulnerability is needed to build connections. I dont think apps should take the place of connection but maybe be more effective in facilitating connection, maybe by giving users opportunities to be more vulnerable. What are your thoughts?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 27 July 2020, 21:26

lostinspace94 wrote:Eos

Not looking for love. Just reflecting back and wondering why I’ve not been in love or even had a relationship or anything more really. I doubt doing more of the same thing will result in a different outcome.

I am happy with myself in all other aspects of life. Just my relationships seem non existent and I don’t know anymore how to improve this. I can’t make relationships in my head or force someone... but I also can’t improve alone on this... I need participation but if no one can be bothered then what do I do?

Theoux

I am not looking for a relationship ‘for’ something. I am self sufficient. I just want some company so even a gay friendship would be nice. It’s just a basic human need. And I can’t even seem to get this and idk why.

If I start playing the matching game, I won’t even get laid. I already tried this strategy and I’m sorry but it doesn’t work. One side always gives a little more than the other and it’s always me in my case.

PopTart

Yes because all other avenues have had 0 results.

I always push for a physical meet-up but if they want to hide behind text communication then this will happen and then fizzle (for reasons you probably said). But if they don’t get off their ass and meet for a coffee I’m stuck.

I have tried many times to not meet directly for sex. Then no one meets me. Despite whatever we chat about before or whatever we have in common. Unless sex is on the table no one has ever met me physically (hence I’ve never been on a date).

If after sex I like them and want to engage (or they reach out and I didn’t hate them lol) it’s again all online despite me asking for a beer / coffee etc outside - and then never so we meet again.

I agree about the emotional level. Issue is if you never meet me it’s hard to get there. That said, a handful of guys have shared emotional things, as have I, but the drift/vanish still happens.

I cannot answer if I am sexually intimidating - you have to ask the guys I sleep with this. I am clear with my emotions and pick things up fast and being ‘in control’ and not screwing people over scares some insecure unstable people sure but then I wouldn’t want I be with them anyway.

On the hookup dates most of the time brief words are exchanged (I say hi, offer a drink, we start usually, have sex, I kiss them bye most of the time). In the cases where we chat then WhatsApp is exchanged but those go nowhere.

I still have no clue what was different about to the 2 guys who did end up becoming friends as I replay those things in my head over and over and can’t see any difference. And now I can’t ask one of them either (I did try when we were friends also and discussing these such issues but got no answer anyway). My other friend did respond but his response makes 0 sense for the hundreds of guys I’ve been with.


Lostinspace, i've always understood that you are looking for companionship and not a relationship. Hmm I think we can figure out how your other two connections were different. What were the circumstances to the meeting? Did you have things in common? How did you feel during the interaction? At what moment did you start feeling connected? How engaged were you during this interaction? What things did you guys have in common? These are just things to think about jog your memory.

Also if you feel comfortable, im really curious about what the other friend said. Maybe we can help you piece it together.

thanks for being so open and trusting with us. We are forming a connection believe it or not lol xx.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby PopTart » 27 July 2020, 22:00

lostinspace94 wrote:PopTart

Yes because all other avenues have had 0 results.

It does seem to be getting harder to meet people outside of apps and websites. People can be positively alarmed if you approach them IRL while out :lol:

lostinspace94 wrote:I always push for a physical meet-up but if they want to hide behind text communication then this will happen and then fizzle (for reasons you probably said). But if they don’t get off their ass and meet for a coffee I’m stuck.
Absolutely and I think, if your making your effort for personal meetings, that's all you can ask of yourself really, it's then the other persons part to actually come across.


lostinspace94 wrote:I have tried many times to not meet directly for sex. Then no one meets me. Despite whatever we chat about before or whatever we have in common. Unless sex is on the table no one has ever met me physically (hence I’ve never been on a date).
I honestly find this hard to believe, I'm not saying your lying, I'm just surprised, since so many gay men I speak to, all say the same thing, they wish they could meet up for something more than just sex. Again, the only thing I can assume, is that culturally, it's become easier to engage in sexual intercourse, than meaningful discourse :shrug:

lostinspace94 wrote:If after sex I like them and want to engage (or they reach out and I didn’t hate them lol) it’s again all online despite me asking for a beer / coffee etc outside - and then never so we meet again.
I think this might be the time to stick to your guns and insist, that if the other person wants to go any further with things, you don't want to over whatsapp, but in person. It will weed out those that are simply sampling the bar, so to speak and those that might be genuinely, actively engaged. Ofcourse, thats no promise of success.


lostinspace94 wrote:I agree about the emotional level. Issue is if you never meet me it’s hard to get there. That said, a handful of guys have shared emotional things, as have I, but the drift/vanish still happens.

Ofcourse, different people, have different levels of engagement, under different circumstances. How readily do you form connections in an online setting? Do you find it an impediment? If so, seek out others that express similar attitudes, this might help you to meet people who have both a similar experience, aswell as similar emotional ques and desires. The emotional range and methods of expression are diverse and I tend to think, not alot of people are really very aware of wether they are a good at forming emotional connections via digital communication.

As an example, I rely heavily on tone and inflection in both my voice and other peoples to convey emotion and intent, online forms of communication, don't afford that and it can be hard for me to communicate in an organic and emotive manner. I'm also prone to misunderstanding a persons intent online. I lack the tools to understand some of the nuance. Alot of people don't notice those things about themselves when they are true, or they do, but don't put them into context, then become dejected when their nearly exclusively digital personal relationships, are unrewarding or flat.

lostinspace94 wrote:I cannot answer if I am sexually intimidating - you have to ask the guys I sleep with this. I am clear with my emotions and pick things up fast and being ‘in control’ and not screwing people over scares some insecure unstable people sure but then I wouldn’t want I be with them anyway.
:squint: You can't tell if your good looking? Is that false modesty? :P
I guess it can be hard to objectively gauge if your prospective partners are over awed by your presence. But perhaps, keep an eye open to identify if someone is actually alot more nervous than they are letting on. It could clue you in to the fact, perhaps they feel you are too far out of their league. Some simple reassurance in the form of flattery, could help bolster their confidence and encourage them to express themselves more freely.

lostinspace94 wrote:On the hookup dates most of the time brief words are exchanged (I say hi, offer a drink, we start usually, have sex, I kiss them bye most of the time). In the cases where we chat then WhatsApp is exchanged but those go nowhere.
Whatsapp is so awkard, I mean, it's incredibly useful, but I know so many people who have so many contacts and it can be incredibly time consuming keeping in contact with them all. Believe it or not, whatsapp is very time inefficient as a means of communicating and people will optimise time when using it, by either speaking to multiple people concurrently or using it while engaged in other tasks. I can safely say I only consistently talk to my bf through it and a group chat with some close friends. Everyone else, gets intermittent messages.

I would try to stick to voice calls if you can convince other people to go for that. Again, the voice call is becoming a lost art in a world snapchat and whatsapps, but it's honestly going to give more consistent traction with engagement.


lostinspace94 wrote:I still have no clue what was different about to the 2 guys who did end up becoming friends as I replay those things in my head over and over and can’t see any difference. And now I can’t ask one of them either (I did try when we were friends also and discussing these such issues but got no answer anyway). My other friend did respond but his response makes 0 sense for the hundreds of guys I’ve been with.
Would it be too much to ask what the second guy said?

theoux wrote:Hi Poptart,

Hi theoux :) Welcome aboard.

theoux wrote:You ask a lot of great questions and offer great insight. Personally, i take a why not? approach to forming connections on apps. Currently, they may not be ideal for relationships but that doesnt mean we cant figure out and integrate what works in forming connections. For instance, if a certain amount of vulnerability is needed build connections why not somehow integrate this within the app so that people have this option for forming connections? i think you are saying a level of vulnerability is needed to build connections. I dont think apps should take the place of connection but maybe be more effective in facilitating connection, maybe by giving users opportunities to be more vulnerable. What are your thoughts?

I absolutely don't mean to suggest that digital communication is an invalid means of forming connections, I suspect there are some, for whom, it is perhaps, the most valid means. My meaning, is more that, some people rely on social ques and subtle emotional expressions, to help make connection on an interpersonal level, that digital means of communication, can't, presently, accomodate.
Indeed, I suspect some people don;t even realise that what they crave in order to make a meaningful connection is missing, while trying to rely solely on this one method of communicating, never really learning how to interact and even register certain social ques in RL situations. It's not su much about vulnerability being expressed, I suspect people find it easier to express vuinerability online or even feign emotions online, I think it's more that it can be hard to form a meaningful connection to someones emotional state, in anything more than the abstract sense. Honestly this is probably a wider conversation that would be better in it's own thread, rather than Losts request for thoughts and opinions.

No criticism, more I'm aware this is a subject that go on at length (especially with me involved) and I'd hate to my rambling to derail Losts thread! :P
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 27 July 2020, 22:31

PopTart wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:PopTart

Yes because all other avenues have had 0 results.

It does seem to be getting harder to meet people outside of apps and websites. People can be positively alarmed if you approach them IRL while out :lol:

lostinspace94 wrote:I always push for a physical meet-up but if they want to hide behind text communication then this will happen and then fizzle (for reasons you probably said). But if they don’t get off their ass and meet for a coffee I’m stuck.
Absolutely and I think, if your making your effort for personal meetings, that's all you can ask of yourself really, it's then the other persons part to actually come across.


lostinspace94 wrote:I have tried many times to not meet directly for sex. Then no one meets me. Despite whatever we chat about before or whatever we have in common. Unless sex is on the table no one has ever met me physically (hence I’ve never been on a date).
I honestly find this hard to believe, I'm not saying your lying, I'm just surprised, since so many gay men I speak to, all say the same thing, they wish they could meet up for something more than just sex. Again, the only thing I can assume, is that culturally, it's become easier to engage in sexual intercourse, than meaningful discourse :shrug:

lostinspace94 wrote:If after sex I like them and want to engage (or they reach out and I didn’t hate them lol) it’s again all online despite me asking for a beer / coffee etc outside - and then never so we meet again.
I think this might be the time to stick to your guns and insist, that if the other person wants to go any further with things, you don't want to over whatsapp, but in person. It will weed out those that are simply sampling the bar, so to speak and those that might be genuinely, actively engaged. Ofcourse, thats no promise of success.


lostinspace94 wrote:I agree about the emotional level. Issue is if you never meet me it’s hard to get there. That said, a handful of guys have shared emotional things, as have I, but the drift/vanish still happens.

Ofcourse, different people, have different levels of engagement, under different circumstances. How readily do you form connections in an online setting? Do you find it an impediment? If so, seek out others that express similar attitudes, this might help you to meet people who have both a similar experience, aswell as similar emotional ques and desires. The emotional range and methods of expression are diverse and I tend to think, not alot of people are really very aware of wether they are a good at forming emotional connections via digital communication.

As an example, I rely heavily on tone and inflection in both my voice and other peoples to convey emotion and intent, online forms of communication, don't afford that and it can be hard for me to communicate in an organic and emotive manner. I'm also prone to misunderstanding a persons intent online. I lack the tools to understand some of the nuance. Alot of people don't notice those things about themselves when they are true, or they do, but don't put them into context, then become dejected when their nearly exclusively digital personal relationships, are unrewarding or flat.

lostinspace94 wrote:I cannot answer if I am sexually intimidating - you have to ask the guys I sleep with this. I am clear with my emotions and pick things up fast and being ‘in control’ and not screwing people over scares some insecure unstable people sure but then I wouldn’t want I be with them anyway.
:squint: You can't tell if your good looking? Is that false modesty? :P
I guess it can be hard to objectively gauge if your prospective partners are over awed by your presence. But perhaps, keep an eye open to identify if someone is actually alot more nervous than they are letting on. It could clue you in to the fact, perhaps they feel you are too far out of their league. Some simple reassurance in the form of flattery, could help bolster their confidence and encourage them to express themselves more freely.

lostinspace94 wrote:On the hookup dates most of the time brief words are exchanged (I say hi, offer a drink, we start usually, have sex, I kiss them bye most of the time). In the cases where we chat then WhatsApp is exchanged but those go nowhere.
Whatsapp is so awkard, I mean, it's incredibly useful, but I know so many people who have so many contacts and it can be incredibly time consuming keeping in contact with them all. Believe it or not, whatsapp is very time inefficient as a means of communicating and people will optimise time when using it, by either speaking to multiple people concurrently or using it while engaged in other tasks. I can safely say I only consistently talk to my bf through it and a group chat with some close friends. Everyone else, gets intermittent messages.

I would try to stick to voice calls if you can convince other people to go for that. Again, the voice call is becoming a lost art in a world snapchat and whatsapps, but it's honestly going to give more consistent traction with engagement.


lostinspace94 wrote:I still have no clue what was different about to the 2 guys who did end up becoming friends as I replay those things in my head over and over and can’t see any difference. And now I can’t ask one of them either (I did try when we were friends also and discussing these such issues but got no answer anyway). My other friend did respond but his response makes 0 sense for the hundreds of guys I’ve been with.
Would it be too much to ask what the second guy said?

theoux wrote:Hi Poptart,

Hi theoux :) Welcome aboard.

theoux wrote:You ask a lot of great questions and offer great insight. Personally, i take a why not? approach to forming connections on apps. Currently, they may not be ideal for relationships but that doesnt mean we cant figure out and integrate what works in forming connections. For instance, if a certain amount of vulnerability is needed build connections why not somehow integrate this within the app so that people have this option for forming connections? i think you are saying a level of vulnerability is needed to build connections. I dont think apps should take the place of connection but maybe be more effective in facilitating connection, maybe by giving users opportunities to be more vulnerable. What are your thoughts?

I absolutely don't mean to suggest that digital communication is an invalid means of forming connections, I suspect there are some, for whom, it is perhaps, the most valid means. My meaning, is more that, some people rely on social ques and subtle emotional expressions, to help make connection on an interpersonal level, that digital means of communication, can't, presently, accomodate.
Indeed, I suspect some people don;t even realise that what they crave in order to make a meaningful connection is missing, while trying to rely solely on this one method of communicating, never really learning how to interact and even register certain social ques in RL situations. It's not su much about vulnerability being expressed, I suspect people find it easier to express vuinerability online or even feign emotions online, I think it's more that it can be hard to form a meaningful connection to someones emotional state, in anything more than the abstract sense. Honestly this is probably a wider conversation that would be better in it's own thread, rather than Losts request for thoughts and opinions.

No criticism, more I'm aware this is a subject that go on at length (especially with me involved) and I'd hate to my rambling to derail Losts thread! :P



Haha youre good poptart. i understand what you mean and i wasnt offended at all...i value what you say so please dont feel silenced. Actually, I reread what you wrote and its incredibly rich, insightful, and wise. Please continue. I do think people need a level of livelihood to be engaged be tone and inflection or passion.
Last edited by theoux on 28 July 2020, 10:09, edited 1 time in total.
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