Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby sailinguser » 27 July 2020, 23:19

Oh my gosh... this is such a head-scratcher! Are most gay men in London single and uninterested in getting attached?

I have a few gay friends who are single because they’re definitely too picky—that is, they’re only remotely interested in the top 5% of guys they sleep with, and those guys don’t return the interest. They turn away loads of guys who are objectively good matches because they’re not young enough or not fit enough or not cute enough.

Maybe have a friend or family member do the swiping for you on Tinder and see how many people they think are good matches for you vs. how many you think are good matches for you. If there’s a wide crevasse, maybe you are being too picky.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby Dave67 » 28 July 2020, 02:42

I can relate. A few yrs ago after my divorce I was coming out to a few friends and wanted to with my family but could not find a relationship. I went out with a few guys and went out with 2 of them multiple times but it was just sex. I hinged my coming out to Family after I met a guy, fell in love and live together as a couple. It never happened so I kind of just got tired of the sex and nobody really to be with long term in a relationship and I have always wanted that with a man I was in love with.
So I basically fell back into just getting into a relationship I was used to being in and thats with a woman.
I would prefer it to be with a man but I gave up trying to find a guy that wanted more than just sex.

I had one guy that was older my mentor I guess you could say, we had sex quite often but he asked me to move in with him and be roommates but I know neither of us was in love with each other so I declined. Later he told me that we could have had some fun getting younger guys to come over, Guys in their 20's or older. I was 30 and he was about 55 so he was wanting me to move in to help bring youg guys over that I would meet.

He is right it would have been fun but I was looking for someone longterm and after 10 yrs gave up.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby Dave67 » 28 July 2020, 03:53

Had a few thoughts on the subject a few mins ago and I know lots of my questions to some gah friends years ago when I would ask about longterm relationships as I was curious about their experiences and hoping to find my own.
I know its not a universal thing but all of them told me that its hard to find as most guys only want sex and nothing longterm and that men cheat all the time so you have to worry about that and also when you get older they are going to want younger again. They said gay couples rarely last more than a few yrs but I know thats just their exleriences and does not mean its universal.

Anyway it seemed to be true for me as I never could find it and I tried quite a bit, went out with friends to gay clubs, chat online and was on a couple of gay dating sites but only ever came away with some sex and that was it. Coming out around that time so I was ok with that as it was fun but I thought one would come along eventually and would be the one.
Its not that I am unattractive or fat, I am in good shape, been told very good looking by men and women alike and never had a problem getting women or men but like the OP says, I just could not find the right guy for whatever reason. Maybe I was too picky but I don't think so. I had sex with guys that were older, younger than me and in between so I don't think I am picky and none of them, except for one that was drop dead gorgeous was anything special looks wise. Of course I want a nice looking attractive man but not expecting a model.

Maybe I gave up too soon but 10 yrs was an eternity. I know some people go through their whole life never finding it and thats sad.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 28 July 2020, 10:40

Dave67 wrote:I can relate. A few yrs ago after my divorce I was coming out to a few friends and wanted to with my family but could not find a relationship. I went out with a few guys and went out with 2 of them multiple times but it was just sex. I hinged my coming out to Family after I met a guy, fell in love and live together as a couple. It never happened so I kind of just got tired of the sex and nobody really to be with long term in a relationship and I have always wanted that with a man I was in love with.
So I basically fell back into just getting into a relationship I was used to being in and thats with a woman.
I would prefer it to be with a man but I gave up trying to find a guy that wanted more than just sex.

I had one guy that was older my mentor I guess you could say, we had sex quite often but he asked me to move in with him and be roommates but I know neither of us was in love with each other so I declined. Later he told me that we could have had some fun getting younger guys to come over, Guys in their 20's or older. I was 30 and he was about 55 so he was wanting me to move in to help bring youg guys over that I would meet.

He is right it would have been fun but I was looking for someone longterm and after 10 yrs gave up.


Aww Dave67,

Come here. Giant Hug. This made me tear up a little. I don't know how happy you are in your current relationship but it sounds like its not what you want deep down. How comfortable are you with the idea of being a gay or bisexual man? I think the important thing is figuring out who you want to be with or without a relationship. There are no guarantees and one must be okay in the end.

What do you want now?

Theo
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 28 July 2020, 18:10

@theoux

Both started off as hookups through Grindr. In one case he offered me to sleepover after and I did. In the second time he returned the next day and then chat continued. Did we have things in common? Not really. But plenty of topics to talk about and at least I had something to offer intellectually also in both cases. I started to feel connected when we chatted (in person) about the topics vs the sex.

The friend who left - when we were friends he said I shouldn’t expect instant ‘love’ all the time and good things take time. He said that my ‘persona’ can be intimidating (good career, decent looking etc) and when I pushed back and said isn’t it their issue they are not confident or secure about their persona how is it my fault he didn’t follow up. I don’t find this an issue tbh especially older guys.

The friend who still exists - he said sometimes he avoids getting serious with some guys (like me) because I have many options and he thinks he isn’t good enough relative to others I sleep with / I will judge him - which is again his own issue and he knows that but it is what it is. I can’t quit my job. I can’t make myself ugly. I can only assure them I am interested in them if they give me a chance also.

@PopTart

I did try a few times randomly in person. Got a couple of smiles and giggled by the guy from it but no takers.

I am completely surprised too. Coffee or pizza and beer is much less intrusive. But they literally see my pic and offer sex. Even if I try to twist the convo back to date then they avoid. Hence I try to focus on ‘converting’ my sex dates because then at least they have seen me and are already kinda vulnerable. Hence the WhatsApp swap after and the follow up but again it requires an actual meet. And if they can’t be asked then...

No one seems genuinely engaged and that is the problem. If I stop messaging they will stop also. If I push for a date only they don’t meet (I’ve genuinely tried this and lost several hotties as a result lol). It’s mental.

I have found many guys with similar experiences and they whine to me about guys ghosting, sleeping around, not being serious etc and then they do the same thing and/or vanish. I am fed up.

I think I am good looking - at least that is what I’ve been told - but this is from guys who want sex who will probably say anything. So I don’t know.

I have not had anyone stick long enough to have a voice call with. The friend who left offered that, I accepted, it never happened. You can see my other post for details. Everyone else just text messages. Hence I push for in person meetings. Which don’t happens. And the cycle repeats.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 28 July 2020, 19:38

lostinspace94 wrote:@theoux

Both started off as hookups through Grindr. In one case he offered me to sleepover after and I did. In the second time he returned the next day and then c94hat continued. Did we have things in common? Not really. But plenty of topics to talk about and at least I had something to offer intellectually also in both cases. I started to feel connected when we chatted (in person) about the topics vs the sex.


This is good. We know that connection for you happens intellectually on a topic you enjoy. What types of topics do you like to talk about?

lostinspace94 wrote:The friend who left - when we were friends he said I shouldn’t expect instant ‘love’ all the time and good things take time. He said that my ‘persona’ can be intimidating (good career, decent looking etc) and when I pushed back and said isn’t it their issue they are not confident or secure about their persona how is it my fault he didn’t follow up. I don’t find this an issue tbh especially older guys.


Hmm. curious about what made you push back instead of listen? You don't have to take his stuff on. To me, it sounds like this could have been an opportunity for connection.

lostinspace94 wrote:The friend who still exists - he said sometimes he avoids getting serious with some guys (like me) because I have many options and he thinks he isn’t good enough relative to others I sleep with / I will judge him - which is again his own issue and he knows that but it is what it is. I can’t quit my job. I can’t make myself ugly. I can only assure them I am interested in them if they give me a chance also
.

This interesting to me. Does he know about your experiences with dating and some of the stuff you shared in here? This too sounds like a missed opportunity for connection.

hmm you seem protective/defensive in both instances. I'm curious what this is about. Thanks for sharing and trusting this. We will figure it out.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 29 July 2020, 07:58

It was different in both cases. In one case he said he was training to be a lawyer. I have no connection to law just liked the fact that he was working towards something. The other spoke about how he likes to travel (and at that time I was looking to travel with someone for fun) and also is considering a career in finance (something I considered therefore was able to offer advice). That was it really. Once we became friends I was able to banter with the second about guys I was hooking up with and gay general stuff which was nice.

I did listen. I provided my opinion and then he didn’t say anything further other than ‘yeah you are right’. Then the topic died. 2 years later I even said I went to therapy for answers and if he had anything to share that could help please let me know and he didn’t.

Yes, he does. Both did.

No idea shorn protective mechanisms. I just think I speak logically and typically I find people don’t know how to communicate or defend their position. Given my personality needs conversation to change my mind, if they are not invested in doing that, my mind remains made up.

Scenario - there was a guy who messaged me on Grindr and we were speaking for months on WhatsApp. He said he also saw me on the street and found me hot as he walked past so was happy he found me on Grindr too. He said he worked at an investment bank and also part time modelled. I was like cool and we spoke about all random things. I said we should meet up but he often was flying around for his model gigs so it never happened. Eventually he messages me saying he lied about being at an investment bank because he was worried he was not good enough for me. He then vanished. I said this to my friend who left and said that I’m glad such a liar left. That’s where my friends reaction was ‘you are fortunate, you work at the best companies, you shouldn’t make yourself sound like nothing as this can make someone else feel even worse’. My reaction was - firstly - I work hard to get to where I am. I am thankful also but no one asks about my journey. Also this is no excuse to lie. I was not judging - he was being insecure - I don’t see how I should feel bad for him thinking he should lie. Also if anyone I should be insecure as I am not a model lol. Once I said this, my old friend agreed and we moved on.

I am open to feedback, but it needs to make sense basically.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 29 July 2020, 10:19

Hey Lostinspace.

Thank you for filling in the gaps. You seem like a very aware, astute, and hardworking man. There is a seriousness to you too. Has anyone ever said that? Anyway, I pretty much see relationships as small dances; our engagement can unknowingly trigger responses in people, leading them to project their insecurities/traumas onto us especially if they lack awareness. You are just being you and so no one is at fault: you can't help what you do, your life history, and being attractive. Its not your fault that these guys feel intimidated. I fully agree with all of that.

Still, each experience is a learning opportunity. To me its interesting that two guys acted or communicated feeling intimidated by you LOL. Again, not your fault. But maybe its fodder for thinking how much of the "total you" you let others to see, especially in romantic situations? This is a pretty abstract questions so maybe these questions can help you think: What your biggest insecurity? How do you manage that insecurity, if at all? How do you want to be seen? What do you do to increase the chances that you will be viewed in such a way? Also, what did you sacrifice in working so hard to get where you are? This is just to help you process the question. There is no judgment. We are just looking at stuff.

You are so awesome! Thanks for trusting and allowing us to support you. You are fine! Hug!


Theo

lostinspace94 wrote:It was different in both cases. In one case he said he was training to be a lawyer. I have no connection to law just liked the fact that he was working towards something. The other spoke about how he likes to travel (and at that time I was looking to travel with someone for fun) and also is considering a career in finance (something I considered therefore was able to offer advice). That was it really. Once we became friends I was able to banter with the second about guys I was hooking up with and gay general stuff which was nice.

I did listen. I provided my opinion and then he didn’t say anything further other than ‘yeah you are right’. Then the topic died. 2 years later I even said I went to therapy for answers and if he had anything to share that could help please let me know and he didn’t.

Yes, he does. Both did.

No idea shorn protective mechanisms. I just think I speak logically and typically I find people don’t know how to communicate or defend their position. Given my personality needs conversation to change my mind, if they are not invested in doing that, my mind remains made up.

Scenario - there was a guy who messaged me on Grindr and we were speaking for months on WhatsApp. He said he also saw me on the street and found me hot as he walked past so was happy he found me on Grindr too. He said he worked at an investment bank and also part time modelled. I was like cool and we spoke about all random things. I said we should meet up but he often was flying around for his model gigs so it never happened. Eventually he messages me saying he lied about being at an investment bank because he was worried he was not good enough for me. He then vanished. I said this to my friend who left and said that I’m glad such a liar left. That’s where my friends reaction was ‘you are fortunate, you work at the best companies, you shouldn’t make yourself sound like nothing as this can make someone else feel even worse’. My reaction was - firstly - I work hard to get to where I am. I am thankful also but no one asks about my journey. Also this is no excuse to lie. I was not judging - he was being insecure - I don’t see how I should feel bad for him thinking he should lie. Also if anyone I should be insecure as I am not a model lol. Once I said this, my old friend agreed and we moved on.

I am open to feedback, but it needs to make sense basically.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 29 July 2020, 14:23

Nope, have been told I can be intense though. But this is only for people I care about and if I am sensing issues and tension not because I’m normally like this.

They replied because I asked lol. I don’t know who knows the total me because so few invest. I do open up but you need to last for me to open up not just blow me and leave. Not going to pour my life history out with that.

I don’t want to be alone all my life ie die and no one know or cares. That is my insecurity. I am trying to build long term sustainable relationships but they blow up in my face. I don’t know - I keep trying to meet people hoping something converts. I am also a bit insecure about how I look to someone I care about (not hookups) so make effort in that department but it’s nothing unnatural.

I don’t think I sacrificed much except my time. I didn’t have much friends growing up so invested my time in academics and then career. But always still trying to build friends and relationships. The issue is I am successful on other aspects of life now - except relationships - and I don’t know why. I know I am fine, just also wish there were people around to help me see this. All this stress and tension goes away when I have a good chat with someone or am able to share things. But when it’s all come and go I obviously become frustrated as I feel I am just in an endless hamster wheel.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 30 July 2020, 05:35

If it helps, this is what a relationship coach said about my friend who left. The below, if accurate, seems very unfair and sad really. :(

Here are my honest thoughts and notes. I have to be completely honest as my goal is to help you.

1) I'm not sure how you met but it does sound like initially things were going well and you were good friends.

2) Over time your messages seem to have become longer and longer to him but he usually only sent short ones.

3) Your messages were all very polite and you clearly didn't want to upset him. However, he just wasn't responding properly and you had to keep chasing him.

This sadly made you come across as needy which isn't an attractive quality. I fully understand why it was confusing you though and this happens a lot in relationships/friendships. It's just not balanced.

4) The problem is that you just weren't his priority - especially towards the end. He's constantly making excuses like bandwith, business, writing drafts etc. If he wanted to contact you the simple truth is that he could have done so very easily. Sending a text of message takes a second.

5)In the end he couldn't be bothered to engage with you as it was too much hard work. That's no reflection on you.

6) I suspect that he has/had other things going on in this life that were draining him emotionally. So he pretty much took this out on you which was unfair.

You asked if you think you it's salvageable and if you should reach out again. I really don't think that's a good idea at this time. You've chased him several times and he's made it very clear he's not interested. It's best to forget about him
as he's blocking you from moving forwards.

I hope that helps you realise you didn't do anything wrong other than expect to be treated better!
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 30 July 2020, 06:41

lostinspace94 wrote:If it helps, this is what a relationship coach said about my friend who left. The below, if accurate, seems very unfair and sad really. :(

Here are my honest thoughts and notes. I have to be completely honest as my goal is to help you.

1) I'm not sure how you met but it does sound like initially things were going well and you were good friends.

2) Over time your messages seem to have become longer and longer to him but he usually only sent short ones.

3) Your messages were all very polite and you clearly didn't want to upset him. However, he just wasn't responding properly and you had to keep chasing him.

This sadly made you come across as needy which isn't an attractive quality. I fully understand why it was confusing you though and this happens a lot in relationships/friendships. It's just not balanced.

4) The problem is that you just weren't his priority - especially towards the end. He's constantly making excuses like bandwith, business, writing drafts etc. If he wanted to contact you the simple truth is that he could have done so very easily. Sending a text of message takes a second.

5)In the end he couldn't be bothered to engage with you as it was too much hard work. That's no reflection on you.

6) I suspect that he has/had other things going on in this life that were draining him emotionally. So he pretty much took this out on you which was unfair.

You asked if you think you it's salvageable and if you should reach out again. I really don't think that's a good idea at this time. You've chased him several times and he's made it very clear he's not interested. It's best to forget about him
as he's blocking you from moving forwards.

I hope that helps you realise you didn't do anything wrong other than expect to be treated better!



This feels familiar and awfully painful. A guy I hooked up with on Grindr and heavily pursued called me dramatic and needy. This was 6 years ago. It happens.

How did this make you feel? Whats the part that feels unfair and sad? What the coach said or your friend's treatment of you or both?

Have you gotten other feedback on this?

Im still processing your last message..will reply to it today.

Giant Virtual Hug!
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 30 July 2020, 08:54

The friends treatment is what is unfair. At all times I left options wide open and his lack of clarity caused this. He then blows up at me and blames me that is what is unfair. And sad because he walked off, probably will never realise what he did, if he does never come back and even apologise. So it’s a loose loose for me in the end.

It just doesn’t make any sense to me what happened and why someone would want nothing to do with my anymore and all of a sudden. That is what hurt. I have so much to offer and so many things we still could connect on so I just don’t get why someone would be so cruel. From where I stand there was no reason (long distance is not an excuse as we were talking for year along distance without any issue) other than he was unwilling to spend a little time replying which is all I was asking for really. We could have been friends for a long time and he actively chose to dispose of me and that is what hurts.

Also the realisation that when stuff like this happens I have to pay for therapy or go on forums made me more sad ie there is no one in my life I can go to with this kinda stuff.

Other feedback? On what I pasted or the situation itself? The situation was posted on a separate thread on this forum already for inputs.

Link: music-topics/need-advice-on-long-term-friendship-hook-up-situation-t9114/
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 30 July 2020, 11:52

Yes Dear,

It hurts deeply when people we care about (even a little) discard us. Sounds like you were bending over backwards to accomodate him and in the end he wasnt equally invested. Still there is a lesson in everything. Like always, I have questions:
-why do you focus so much on what you could have given him? What about you and what you want? Does any of that relate to what we discussed about your greatest fear of being alone for the rest of your life? Hug! Imma say it, cuz you need to hear it: YOU MATTER!!
-To what degree do you FEEL his leaving is a reflection of you deep down? Dont rationalize it. Just feel it.
-i dont want to go to deep but have you ever had someone really important abandon you?

I meant feedback from friends/family on what the therapist said.

lostinspace94 wrote:The friends treatment is what is unfair. At all times I left options wide open and his lack of clarity caused this. He then blows up at me and blames me that is what is unfair. And sad because he walked off, probably will never realise what he did, if he does never come back and even apologise. So it’s a loose loose for me in the end.

It just doesn’t make any sense to me what happened and why someone would want nothing to do with my anymore and all of a sudden. That is what hurt. I have so much to offer and so many things we still could connect on so I just don’t get why someone would be so cruel. From where I stand there was no reason (long distance is not an excuse as we were talking for year along distance without any issue) other than he was unwilling to spend a little time replying which is all I was asking for really. We could have been friends for a long time and he actively chose to dispose of me and that is what hurts.

Also the realisation that when stuff like this happens I have to pay for therapy or go on forums made me more sad ie there is no one in my life I can go to with this kinda stuff.

Other feedback? On what I pasted or the situation itself? The situation was posted on a separate thread on this forum already for inputs.

Link: music-topics/need-advice-on-long-term-friendship-hook-up-situation-t9114/
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 30 July 2020, 19:23

I want to be heard and have company. Even as online chat. That is all I wanted. Messaging after weeks or months is not my idea of keeping in touch or caring. I don’t expect daily chat either. But there is a natural flow - you message, have a conversation, then go your way, then come back when something comes up and they are there. I don’t see how what I was asking for was unreasonable. It is strange this works well for my straight friends but no one gay. :(

I honestly don’t know. Hence I was so confused what did I do so wrong to deserve this. I am just being told I did nothing wrong. But I still got a bad result. That is hard to digest.

Not really. My family remain unchanged through my life. I didn’t have my friends growing up and the few I did naturally grew apart once I moved or went to uni or similar. So I have never experienced a situation where someone doesn’t literally ‘want me’ after spending time with me. Obviously there are the ‘hookup rejections’ ie they vanish after we sleep together but they don’t ‘know me’ so it’s fine.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 1 August 2020, 06:59

The coach also wrote this:

I don't really think he was using you...but perhaps he still wanted you to invite him to stay. When we first
meet people we pigeon hole them very quickly. For example - friend, business partner, hookup, marriage, acquaintance, no interested.
As you slept together it was confusing for him to really move you from hookup to friend. He's probably not done that before and
didn't know how to handle it.

You didn't do anything wrong here at all, other than wanting very badly to have a friend. I think he's very much self-obsessed and
doesn't have room in his life for anyone else. He wasn't happy when you challenged him but that's because he didn't take responsibility
for his own actions and behaviour.

At the end it was flight or flight and you gave him an indirect ultimatum. Rather than putting any effort in he ran. Then again, he was
phasing his attention to you out over a long period of time by the look of it.

Anyway, let's focus on the future now rather than the past.

And:

I know you are looking for explanations and closure from him, but I doubt he could fully explain himself even if you did. He'x
toxic for you and these issues won't get resolved so they are just delaying your own happiness.

Although I wouldn't recommend sending a text, I also know ( from all these years of coaching!) that you probably still will. So
let's discuss what you need to write and how to handle that for all the various outcomes.

I don’t think I will message back anymore. But am curious what he says either way. Next week I will chat to him about dating in general and tips on what to try as he claims I have been doing things wrong.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 1 August 2020, 10:53

lostinspace94 wrote:I want to be heard and have company. Even as online chat. That is all I wanted. Messaging after weeks or months is not my idea of keeping in touch or caring. I don’t expect daily chat either. But there is a natural flow - you message, have a conversation, then go your way, then come back when something comes up and they are there. I don’t see how what I was asking for was unreasonable. It is strange this works well for my straight friends but no one gay. :(

I honestly don’t know. Hence I was so confused what did I do so wrong to deserve this. I am just being told I did nothing wrong. But I still got a bad result. That is hard to digest.

Not really. My family remain unchanged through my life. I didn’t have my friends growing up and the few I did naturally grew apart once I moved or went to uni or similar. So I have never experienced a situation where someone doesn’t literally ‘want me’ after spending time with me. Obviously there are the ‘hookup rejections’ ie they vanish after we sleep together but they don’t ‘know me’ so it’s fine.



Hi Lostinspace94. Sorry for the delay. I had guests over yesterday.

Hmm, never having experienced a situation where someone doesn't literally want you after spending time with you (besides the typical hookup) is interesting. Tell me about this.

Based on this, am I correct in assuming that this experience is not only hurtful but crazy making because this has never happened before? If so, how are you internalizing this experience (e.g. what do you feel like his rejection of you as a person says about you?). In other words, what do you feel it would say about you if this was true?

When exactly did the communication start to wane?

xx
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 1 August 2020, 11:06

lostinspace94 wrote:The coach also wrote this:

I don't really think he was using you...but perhaps he still wanted you to invite him to stay. When we first
meet people we pigeon hole them very quickly. For example - friend, business partner, hookup, marriage, acquaintance, no interested.
As you slept together it was confusing for him to really move you from hookup to friend. He's probably not done that before and
didn't know how to handle it.

You didn't do anything wrong here at all, other than wanting very badly to have a friend. I think he's very much self-obsessed and
doesn't have room in his life for anyone else. He wasn't happy when you challenged him but that's because he didn't take responsibility
for his own actions and behaviour.

At the end it was flight or flight and you gave him an indirect ultimatum. Rather than putting any effort in he ran. Then again, he was
phasing his attention to you out over a long period of time by the look of it.

Anyway, let's focus on the future now rather than the past.

And:

I know you are looking for explanations and closure from him, but I doubt he could fully explain himself even if you did. He'x
toxic for you and these issues won't get resolved so they are just delaying your own happiness.

Although I wouldn't recommend sending a text, I also know ( from all these years of coaching!) that you probably still will. So
let's discuss what you need to write and how to handle that for all the various outcomes



it seems like your relationship coach has a little more info on the dynamic. Some stuff i need to work out. Do you think he maybe he wasn't really okay with being just friends and that he feels rejected by you friendzoning him? Exactly how long has it been since you last chatted to each other? Do you follow him on social media?

lostinspace94 wrote:I don’t think I will message back anymore. But am curious what he says either way. Next week I will chat to him about dating in general and tips on what to try as he claims I have been doing things wrong.

Who exactly claims you have been doing things wrong?
theoux
 
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 1 August 2020, 14:35

No worries - thanks for the reply. :)

In 99% of cases it’s a hookup and I never see the person again. In the other cases if they are interested and I am we meet again. Very very rarely do things proceed any further. Many have WhatsApp chats but never meet me again so I wouldn’t even class this as friendship. Most of the ‘judgements’ are instant. Most straight friends I have, lasted years, remain this way, we both make the effort. So this is an extremely rare (and my first ever) instance of someone being so close and then bam nothing.

But if you are meeting someone at least a few times and then speaking to someone on a regular basis for years and then cut them off - that I have never experienced. I completely get natural fading but that usually happens within a conversation and both sides feel it - it also involves actually having communication - not messaging weeks or months later and not answering any of the questions also lol. Also I have a straight friend I message once every few months but anytime I message there is a reply within 24 hours (or even immediate), we chat, we go our way, we repeat. Basically he is ‘always there’. You can’t expect trust to remain when you can’t give 2 mins of your time to someone in a timely manner (I don’t mean instant always, but it also doesn’t takes weeks/months and reminders to reply). That’s just rude and no one is THAT busy. And especially when I also offered other means of communication if text was straining. I was an open book basically.

If he spoke to me and said something like I am interested in XYZ or can we chat about ABC I think he would have realised I have more to offer and that is what is sad. To basically not even want to talk to me - not even once every 4-6 months like he claimed he speaks to his other long distance friends - felt like I had nothing to offer and therefore no worth which is what I am struggling to digest as I just can’t believe this is true (that we go from being friends and speaking so regularly to suddenly ‘drifting’ and having nothing to chat about). Anyone who knows me knows I am well versed in a wide range a topics so it’s hard not to find something to chat to me about tbh.

The communication started to wane really randomly also. He did explain he had a breakup and was in counselling also so I felt for him and gave him space and said I was here if he needed me. Months went by and I won’t count that as he was going through things and space is fine. It was the months that followed. He then said things are better and we went back to normal convo and then weeks owned go by no reply - but also no reasonable excuse - just ‘I’m busy’ or ‘I’m overthinking the depth in which I need to reply’ or ‘I have no excuse and can do better’ and things like this. Eventually I got tired as it was all just words no actions - he would suggest things like FaceTime calls, meeting up (as in I fly over to his), I would accept if this means of communication was easier for him, and he would vanish again. When I called him out on it (once), explaining how it is confusing and going forwards can we basically stick to something he felt that was intense and friendship are not full of obligations etc which is totally off what I was trying to say.

He is the one who wanted us to remain friends. I literally asked him (quite early on) if he was interested and he said we should be friends. Tbh I was fine with it and I liked it as I wasn’t sexually attracted anymore anyway (I obviously didn’t say that to him). He then made an effort keeping replying for years also - at many stops (eg when he relocated or got busy with work) I also was checking well he will leave now and he didn’t. At one point when he started to distance I also said we can leave it if he wants and he said sorry sorry and then said about his breakup etc. So I was like okay and continued - as he requested it and also truthfully because I enjoyed speaking to him.

We have not spoken since his last message last May and I removed him from Facebook about 5 months later (after offering to sort things and he ignored it). He didn’t remove me but I was seeing tagged posts and getting reminded everytime I went on FB and was getting wound up hence removed him. More details are provided on the thread and I’m happy to PM you the chat and emails so you can see exactly what was said.

If I am being completely honest, I have an Instagram account just to follow gay hotties for fun and take my mind off things but I don’t post anything in that account. It’s only for consumption lol. I did add him and within minutes he accepted. I did check his video or pictures once every 4-6 months or so originally and tbh the more I saw the more distant I felt. This may be because I’m hurt or maybe seeing him for who he is or idk but he seems kinda evil looking now vs when I met him and there was an innocence (in both). Idk. Maybe I’m talking crazy. Anyhow I haven’t looked again in recent times as I kinda just don’t even want to.

The coach says he has heard my dating issues a lot (and generally with gay men) and that he can help me with tips. I will speak to him next week. I approached him because it is very strange to have put this much effort in and 0 dates and/or results so I felt like I’m doing something wrong and if I can make positive changes on my end and see a different outcome then great. So far though I have had no useful topics from counsellors so thought I should try a relationship coach.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 2 August 2020, 09:58

Ps if it helps I reached out to 30+ guys on GR and most met via circuit festival, GR (and several just hooked up and then went from there), tinder etc so clearly I’m not delusional in thinking apps can lead to more. :(
lostinspace94
 
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 2 August 2020, 15:46

Yeah if you feel comfortable messaging me on here privately. I feel like im missing context.

Did your therapist give you any insight into your relationship with your friend?

You said you tried meetups. What usually happens at these?
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