Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 2 August 2020, 19:01

theoux wrote:Yeah if you feel comfortable messaging me on here privately. I feel like im missing context.

Did your therapist give you any insight into your relationship with your friend?

You said you tried meetups. What usually happens at these?


Sure will send.

None. All therapists (and I saw a few and shared what I shared with you with them) didn’t say anything negative / for me to improve. I still squeezed them for something and they came up with nothing.

Meet-ups result in WhatsApp number exchanges and then nothing again.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 2 August 2020, 21:06

hmm i read it. How old is he? My opinion, it seemed kinda one-sided (you're always paying and offering, and initiating contact). its just stuff but you set it up for him not to invest in the friendship by paying for everything. He may not have been doing this intentionally as it seemed like he was going through a pretty stressful time: new internship, moving to London. Third, it sounds like he isnt stable; he moves and changes a lot. I know your friendship endured life changes earlier to your surprise but people who change like that all the time dont seem reliable.

How intimate and deep would you say the convos were with him?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 3 August 2020, 10:14

theoux wrote:hmm i read it. How old is he? My opinion, it seemed kinda one-sided (you're always paying and offering, and initiating contact). its just stuff but you set it up for him not to invest in the friendship by paying for everything. He may not have been doing this intentionally as it seemed like he was going through a pretty stressful time: new internship, moving to London. Third, it sounds like he isnt stable; he moves and changes a lot. I know your friendship endured life changes earlier to your surprise but people who change like that all the time dont seem reliable.

How intimate and deep would you say the convos were with him?


I think 28 now?
The paying was initially. The conversation after is what I am indexing on. He did reply pretty timely each time for a while which is why I thought he was invested.
I think the points you raised were initially again and I respected that. Hence I thought we would drift once he moved back home and was stable but we didn’t.
The convos were not deep I don’t think hence I don’t get the ‘strain’ in keeping in touch and why he decided to completely cut me out.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby theoux » 3 August 2020, 10:48

I read the other thread and PMed.


lostinspace94 wrote:
theoux wrote:hmm i read it. How old is he? My opinion, it seemed kinda one-sided (you're always paying and offering, and initiating contact). its just stuff but you set it up for him not to invest in the friendship by paying for everything. He may not have been doing this intentionally as it seemed like he was going through a pretty stressful time: new internship, moving to London. Third, it sounds like he isnt stable; he moves and changes a lot. I know your friendship endured life changes earlier to your surprise but people who change like that all the time dont seem reliable.

How intimate and deep would you say the convos were with him?


I think 28 now?
The paying was initially. The conversation after is what I am indexing on. He did reply pretty timely each time for a while which is why I thought he was invested.
I think the points you raised were initially again and I respected that. Hence I thought we would drift once he moved back home and was stable but we didn’t.
The convos were not deep I don’t think hence I don’t get the ‘strain’ in keeping in touch and why he decided to completely cut me out.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 3 August 2020, 19:37

theoux wrote:I read the other thread and PMed.


Thanks, messaged back.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 19 September 2021, 13:07

This continue to be an issue so I welcome any advice on this topic.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby pozboro » 19 September 2021, 18:43

Sorry. I'm new here. Not really interested in reading pages of what happened years ago since my experience is things change. A lot. Individuals change much more slowly.

So, what am I asking for? Clear statement of an issue you are facing with an obvious question: How do I ... ? Where can I find ... ? Am I the only one who feels ... ? Stuff like that.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 19 September 2021, 19:17

pozboro wrote:Sorry. I'm new here. Not really interested in reading pages of what happened years ago since my experience is things change. A lot. Individuals change much more slowly.

So, what am I asking for? Clear statement of an issue you are facing with an obvious question: How do I ... ? Where can I find ... ? Am I the only one who feels ... ? Stuff like that.


I am able to score hookups via apps, but nothing more. If I ask the hookup guys back, either they vanish, or say yes but never physically will meet me again. On all other apps (e.g. dating apps), I get matches, but never a meet in person. I have never met a gay man in real life through LGBT networks at work, gym or otherwise that I am attracted to / asked me out / I want to ask out etc. I'm about 10 years into using apps / being gay and not ever had a FWB let alone a bf (I had 1 gay long distance friend ever but that ended also). All of my straight relationships (family, friends, work colleagues --> friends) last years and years so intimacy ability to keep a relationship going is not the issue. Every year I go to therapy, try their new ideas, and end up with the same results (i.e. no results). What is going on?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby pozboro » 19 September 2021, 19:37

Well, my experience wasn't too good with apps, or, to be more precise, their precursor, profile websites. We would meet - did NOT have sex - but nothing really continued. Certainly in this decade it usually involved me traveling for an hour each way via transit and being absolutely exhausted when I got home. I tried Craigslist before they shut down their seeking ads, but little luck locally. So yeah, I too have had difficult this century that I didn't have last century.

Of course the first rule to keep in mind is hooking up is about sex and generally little more. In the old days I'd meet a guy at a bar, we'd do whatever we wanted to do sexually, we MIGHT exchange numbers, but rarely did a friendship grow out of that. Those I had to find elsewhere. And again, I'm not sure exactly where to recommend finding them today.

Still believe one of the best avenues is to look for groups that are focused around an activity or social interest you already enjoy. If, for example, travel wasn't such a chore (and I wasn't so uninterested in using transit during a pandemic), I'd join in activities (always outdoors these days) with a group in the big city of long-term survivors living with HIV. I might also try to find a gay film group, since I'm into cinema in a big way.

If you can't find a specifically gay group doing what you like to, just try a group that does what interests you. If you are doing something you really enjoy, or think you might enjoy, and you enjoy spending time with those people, how is your life harmed?

Until I read other options on here, about the only "tool" I can think of Facebook. I know there are lots of interest groups there. There's also Meetup.com, but I haven't used it in a few years. Maybe others will have some suggestions.

Also, without seeking to pry, can you offer an example from therapy - a suggestion and how that resulted in no results. And for this one, how about one of the "better" examples? I'm just trying to get some perspective, okay?

Life isn't easy. I know, it looks like it is in TV and such. We also see others who seem to have a much easier ride, but don't let that fool you. Most of us have to work hard for what little we get - if you start with that "understanding" it might make it a bit easier to accept when your experience doesn't quite live up to you expectations. Does that make any sense?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 22 September 2021, 11:27

I agree with the advice. Here are my observations though:

1) An activity / interest route --> I did actually try this for several years. The issue I find with this is:
a) The guy is already in a relationship / committed relationship / married / etc
b) I'm not attracted to anyone in this way in the clubs etc
c) You actually don't know who is gay / straight etc in order to ask (its not always obvious) and it becomes 'akhward' to ask as you both are in the same club.
d) Given where I live, even the clubs are transient e.g. not regular members / people already have their social circles.
And I can go on with the list but these are the core issues.

As for therapist, 95% of the time I am told I am fine, its the other guy who is the problem (when I have shown chats / explained situations). I am always given "generic" advice e.g. "this is how London is", "this is how gay culture is", "try another hobby", "try to follow up more", "try to follow up less", "try to focus on work more", "try to improve your other friendships" etc. At some point this is just nonsense as this doesn't explain why I'm not even landing a FWB.

I'm not "expecting" a fairy tale but I'm putting in the effort and am surprised by the complete lack of results - i.e. not even someone sleeping over let alone a FWB let alone a date let alone a BF. Like my ask here is minimal... at least someone I like who I want sex with again. If that is not even happening, I am really lost for hope.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby pozboro » 22 September 2021, 20:28

Well the good news then, from your therapy, is that you're not f'ed up! Sounds like a great start to me. But as I kind of indicated, I'm in a similar situation and have not had much luck. Of course right now the pandemic isn't helping and I absolutely agree it's hard not to end up meeting guys who are already attached in the various avenues. Don't know exactly why that is, but at least you're not dreaming.

All I can say at this point is keep at it and don't lose hope. I know it's hard and frustrating and such. I get it. But one of the odd things I remember is I always seemed to be more popular when I was attached. Not sure what that was all about, but I know some people are convinced they only get interviews when looking for a new job if they're working somewhere. Is it that some view singles (or the unemployed) as losers? Hard to say.

All I can say is you just have to keep trying if you want to succeed. If you give up like I did, well, I'm sure you can figure out what comes next. ;)
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 23 September 2021, 11:07

pozboro wrote:Well the good news then, from your therapy, is that you're not f'ed up! Sounds like a great start to me. But as I kind of indicated, I'm in a similar situation and have not had much luck. Of course right now the pandemic isn't helping and I absolutely agree it's hard not to end up meeting guys who are already attached in the various avenues. Don't know exactly why that is, but at least you're not dreaming.

All I can say at this point is keep at it and don't lose hope. I know it's hard and frustrating and such. I get it. But one of the odd things I remember is I always seemed to be more popular when I was attached. Not sure what that was all about, but I know some people are convinced they only get interviews when looking for a new job if they're working somewhere. Is it that some view singles (or the unemployed) as losers? Hard to say.

All I can say is you just have to keep trying if you want to succeed. If you give up like I did, well, I'm sure you can figure out what comes next. ;)


So... I'm trying to get attached .... that is the issue lol.
But I don't think it's true. I'm unattracted to 'attached' folk and I know plenty of people I know are too.
I did bang a couple in open relationships but it just wasn't the same as you 'knew' you were a second option and I would hate that in general.
I'll keep going, just nice to see some resemblance of a result.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby pozboro » 23 September 2021, 19:43

Well, when I lived on the east side of the metro area, it seemed liked all the guys I was connecting to lived on the west. Now I'm on the west ... you probably can guess the rest.

But I did get lots of 'interest' from guys who'd later confess to being in some sort of relationship. It's one of those things that, at least for me, struck me as 'strange,' but whachagunnado?

How long's it been since you've dated a guy for a while?
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 24 September 2021, 09:02

pozboro wrote:Well, when I lived on the east side of the metro area, it seemed liked all the guys I was connecting to lived on the west. Now I'm on the west ... you probably can guess the rest.

But I did get lots of 'interest' from guys who'd later confess to being in some sort of relationship. It's one of those things that, at least for me, struck me as 'strange,' but whachagunnado?

How long's it been since you've dated a guy for a while?


Agreed - hence I'm planning to leave my City soon and move to the US - as I found things were better for me there in terms of interest + follow through.

I've never dated. Literally. I've only ever had 1 time sex with someone, not even a sleepover.

The last time I had a sleepover, we became friends, and that lasted 4 years .... and that was now 3 years I think since it ended.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby pozboro » 24 September 2021, 20:42

If your English and relocating to the US, I bet you'll be popular! (If I knew were people hang out) Guys are always attracted to new men with accents. Not sure how that will work out, but at least it's in your favor. Ugh. Wish I had something to suggest other than keep at it.
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Re: Lack of (gay) relationships advice needed

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 25 September 2021, 22:00

pozboro wrote:If your English and relocating to the US, I bet you'll be popular! (If I knew were people hang out) Guys are always attracted to new men with accents. Not sure how that will work out, but at least it's in your favor. Ugh. Wish I had something to suggest other than keep at it.


Yup, hope my luck changes there. US guys also seem more open than the prude's in the UK.
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