Long distance

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Long distance

Unread postby Nom » 24 August 2020, 06:53

Hi there, new to the site. Looking for advice.

I’m currently in a long distance relationship, which is new to me, with a woman for whom I am the first same-sex partner she has had. Are these relevant? Not sure.

I have had serious doubts off and on through the relationship but for me it’s hard to see clearly through the cautiousness of past relationships, the normal worries (whatever those are), and female issues related to my hormones. Sometimes it feels like there’s no way for me to see things as they genuinely are.
Some days I am in love beyond belief and as close to sure as I will ever be, but other days our differences seem too great and the distance too much.
I suppose, regarding my personal internal concerns it would be impossible to provide the most tailored advice. So, my question is really, how normal is it in long distance relationships to be practically planning the wedding one day and imagining a break-up the next?? Is it me, is it strange, is it us? Is this something anyone else can relate to?
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Re: Long distance

Unread postby dragonfire » 24 August 2020, 20:25

Hey, welcome to the forum!

I wouldn't say those things are irrelevant, although it sounds like your partner cares about you enough to let you be her first same sex partner which is a good start! If it's something you feel like she could be struggling with then maybe you could start a conversation with her about it but sometimes I think it's more about the attraction you feel to who a person is as opposed to their gender. If that makes sense! So it doesn't really sound like that's the main issue here although please feel free to share as much or as little as you'd like.

Having been in a somewhat long distance relationship myself, I can kind of relate. I've had the doubts one day and the absolute and undying devotion the next. As time went on I went through a long period of doubt followed by another period of relative clarity and devotion although being apart from the one you love almost constantly is going to have an effect on anyone's emotions.

As for past relationships, I haven't had many but I would say that even though there are lessons to be learned there your current partner is new. I guess I'm trying to say that nobody can 100% predict a current relationship based off of previous ones, and although we can learn certain lessons and gain experience from past relationships I think your feelings for your current partner are probably more important.

I'm not sure we can ever see things as they are with complete objectivity, although that's just an opinion of mine. Our feelings and emotions towards another are what guide our relationships. At least I try to let them guide mine. Aside from keeping yourself safe and keeping your dignity subjectivity is something we all have to work with in a relationship I'm afraid. It's okay to be unsure, confused, scared. These are things everybody has to work through and in a long distance relationship they can seem 100 times worse when even though we are with somebody we love we are also all alone with our thoughts and feelings.

So as to how normal it is, I would say very. I'm hardly a social butterfly or relationship guru but life and relationships can be messy and complicated. What's most important is how you feel deep inside. Many couples have massive differences but love each other regardless, while many with the same interests I imagine could end up splitting pretty soon if they only bonded over a mutual interest and not over their actual feelings towards one another as whole people.

So yeah, sorry for my essay. I guess I just wanted to say I kind of relate. Go with your heart. If you feel able to, even tell your partner about your fears and concerns although that isn't always easy. Take it slow. Listen to your heart. And keep searching for advice.

If you do those things, then you should be pretty much okay.
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