Long term relationship help

Ask questions and discuss your relationships with partners or parents, family or friends.

Long term relationship help

Unread postby Alyxx808 » 26 August 2021, 16:23

Hello,

I’m new to this and hoping to seek advice from others in the community. I do have gay friends but they are all close to my partner which I know they’d tell and I don’t feel comfortable bringing this up just yet if this is a normal thing that I’m blowing out of proportion. I am in a long term relationship (over 7 years) and love my partner very much as we are essentially married just not “official” yet. I understand the give and takes from each side in the relationship. We have always been very open and good at communicating when there are issues. Lately though, the pandemic and work has caused loads of stress on both of us but I feel it’s hit my partner worse. He’s always been a little controlling of what and where I’m going which is fine cause I don’t have anything to hide. We basically do everything together. As mentioned my only close friends are also his. We’ve always gone to the gym together and jokingly jab when we see attractive guys. He gets jealous more easily than I do, but it’s always been playful without any trust issues. I’ve always thought it was cute because I’m his man. But now he’s exhausted from work and doesn’t want to workout (I totally get it). He doesn’t want me to go to the gym alone. I’m feeling blah and gaining weight and want to go workout but I don’t want to add stress to him or start an unnecessary argument. Yes, I know there are home workouts but living on top floor of apartment is not ideal and I do not get the same motivation as when I actually go into the gym.

Is this a normal compromise to not go if he doesn’t want me too? I’m torn cause I want to workout but not cause an issue.
Alyxx808
 
Posts: 2
+1s received: 1
Joined: 26 August 2021, 14:05

Re: Long term relationship help

Unread postby PopTart » 26 August 2021, 19:23

This trust issue is his issue. He needs to deal with it.

Now that's not to say, you should just leave him to get on with it. But I think you need to sit down and talk about what it is at the gym, you go for. That you enjoy it, want to stay fit and healthy and it makes you happy, should all be reasons for him to support you in going. Reassuring him that you aren't interested in other guys could help some, but trust issues often originate with low self esteem and it takes dealing with that problem to resolve trust issues.

That is where he needs to communicate his insecurities to you but he also needs to recognise, that in doing so, he isn't entitled to have those insecurities given power over you or the relationship. They are unhealthy attitudes and behaviours and he needs to confront that and work on it. And you need to be able to do what you enjoy.

Talk is a good start but it might be worth looking for professional therapy, to identify root causes and find methods of rebuilding his self esteem and rediscovering trust between you.
ImageImage
User avatar
PopTart
 
Posts: 3382
+1s received: 2679
Joined: 12 December 2017, 11:15
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Long term relationship help

Unread postby Alyxx808 » 27 August 2021, 14:46

PopTart wrote:This trust issue is his issue. He needs to deal with it.

Now that's not to say, you should just leave him to get on with it. But I think you need to sit down and talk about what it is at the gym, you go for. That you enjoy it, want to stay fit and healthy and it makes you happy, should all be reasons for him to support you in going. Reassuring him that you aren't interested in other guys could help some, but trust issues often originate with low self esteem and it takes dealing with that problem to resolve trust issues.

That is where he needs to communicate his insecurities to you but he also needs to recognise, that in doing so, he isn't entitled to have those insecurities given power over you or the relationship. They are unhealthy attitudes and behaviours and he needs to confront that and work on it. And you need to be able to do what you enjoy.

Talk is a good start but it might be worth looking for professional therapy, to identify root causes and find methods of rebuilding his self esteem and rediscovering trust between you.


Thanks for the quick response! Really appreciate the advice. I’m planning on bringing this up to him soon and hoping he is receptive maybe if it is also coming from a professional and not just me.
Alyxx808
 
Posts: 2
+1s received: 1
Joined: 26 August 2021, 14:05

Re: Long term relationship help

Unread postby PopTart » 29 August 2021, 10:43

No problem.

Good luck and if he isn't receptive, feel free to come back and explain the situation some more and maybe someone could help.
ImageImage
User avatar
PopTart
 
Posts: 3382
+1s received: 2679
Joined: 12 December 2017, 11:15
Country: United Kingdom (gb)


Recently active
Users browsing this forum: CommonCrawl [Bot], Eryx, Loveintheair, Mojeek [Bot], pozboro, Seznam [Bot] and 71 guests