Love Him but Don't Know What to Do

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Love Him but Don't Know What to Do

Unread postby littlebat » 19 November 2022, 09:06

Hi. I met this tall, masculine, stoic Canadian guy who lives nearby last Winter on a BDSM App as a FWB. Not the traditional one — he's a masochist and I'm a sadist. As I'm shorter, thinner and still a bit twinky, our sessions were so different than others; it was more like him guiding me to hurt him and "punish him", then I realized I developed feelings one day. We never had anal sex.

In our BDSM community most of the time sadsits / dom / masters are tops (anal), but obvsiouly I'm not. I always thought he's a bottom (anal), so I always struggled to imagine me penetrating him one day, it just doesn't feel comfortable. I want him to be manly, yes I enjoy seeing him suffer (as he's so masochistic and enjoys that, I feel so close to masochistic men when they're suffering {because I have some issues growing up so I cannot "love" normally but that's a separate topic}). And one day I finally asked his position in bed and he said he's a top and guessed I'm a bottom. I was so happy OMG. I haven't been fucked for 10+ years (not that no one wants to fuck me, it's just I think I'm a side) but this person makes me want to be fucked hard; not sure exactly why but I want him to own me and treasure me, use me but care about me, hold me tight and call me babe...

But he's never been consistent, rarely goes online and never reveal much emotions. I know he's single and doesn't use dating Apps, but I don't know where I stand. I do have some men (I consider them very handsome) that I meet regularly who calls me cute and loves to do things more than BDSM sex with me (like dinner and hanging out), so I know I'm not that bad looking. I also know he's Jewish, was raised by his old-single mom and has mild vitiligo, and in the closet as a bisexual, and is the owner of a micro-company that hasn't made huge success yet. Not sure if these are related to him being stoic and not opening up easily to anyone. I thought I didn't try hard enough to make him happy as he's much more experienced in BDSM so I worked hard on every aspect I can since the day I realized I had feelings.

I never call him out for anything but one day I finally lost it and texted him a long paragraph of me being sick of him disrespecting me. Then he replied his mind is not on BDSM anymore (even before meeting me) and thinks it's better for me to find someone else. (final words are "Good luck and sorry. Be safe.") My heart was broken and I blocked him for a month, but I kept dreaming of him every goddamn other night (just like when I first got feelings; that period I couldn't sleep for a week and kept thinking about him day and night like oxygen) so I unblocked him and told him there were some misunderstandings but I'm ok to just meet casually (instead of regular dominant/sub or master/slave relationship). And I said it doesn't have to be BDSM, we can just hang out. And asked what does he think about this arrangement.

I'm really scared he's gonna reject me or lose interest in me. I'm so attracted to his lone wolf vibes, mysterious, stoic, masculine, bad demeanor, naughty, weedy but mint-chewing breath, and hairy center of chest. Also he never shows emotions like a regular person like "haha I'm happy" or "boohoo I'm sad" , nor even "damn I'm mad". I want to be a part of his life that enhances him, maybe take care of his mom, massage him (I did it twice before and I felt so close to him), make chicken wings and pour beer for him when he's tired from work. I've managed to get a bit closer to him but now I've ruined it.

P.S. Despite stoic and hard to read, he did call me "cute", kissed my cheek, hugged me (into his embrace like a big bad wolf) and asked if I'm single out of the blue. (He never does things unwillingly looking back at his personality reflected by his acts so far)

TLDR: don't know where I stand with a mysterious man who I had a miscommunication with, which got in the way of bringing us closer
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