Moved in together but unhappy

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Moved in together but unhappy

Unread postby BunnyZee » 7 March 2021, 19:52

Hi everything, apologies for the long post...

I’m 30F, and moved in with my girlfriend who is 34F. We’ve been seeing each other since late June 2020 so about 8 months altogether, and we u-hauled two months ago.

After we moved in, I began to experience a significant amount of stress. I believe that I am carrying a lot of the day-to-day of the relationship, not all of which is her fault.

She is a chef and I am a finance professional, therefore we always knew that I’d be the main breadwinner. However, because of all her debts and COVId-19, I am paying for everything except the groceries (rent, utilities, etc.) I’ve also lent her about €1,000 total over a period of time. She gets most of the groceries.

I was aware of this going on and therefore feel guilty about how much resentment this is causing me. I also am starting to find that I am carrying other aspects of her day-to-day life as well, such as certain administrative tasks such as sorting out her car. I kind of feel like I have a teenage boy on my hands and not an equal partner.

I know COVId is also having an impact as all we can do is watch tv every evening and there is no scope for romance. We sleep together once a week (if that) because neither of us are really in the mood.

I know I’m not innocent in all of this, I have mental health issues (severe anxiety) and she has to put up with my anxiety attacks. But I feel like the relationship is lopsided and has put so much pressure on me.

My friends and family love her and think we’re really compatible, so I’m scared of their reactions if we break up. I also know that she will have to give up a job she loves and go back to live with her mother if we break up.

What should I do? I do love her so much still. Is it worth working on it and trying to make things better?
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Re: Moved in together but unhappy

Unread postby erti » 7 March 2021, 20:02

well, couples counseling or maybe talking to her about what you told us. Communicate... its you to decide whether or not you think it's worth keeping the relationship.
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Re: Moved in together but unhappy

Unread postby Brenden » 7 March 2021, 20:11

Talk to her about the stuff like sorting out her car.

But with regard to money issues, there are bound to be inequities in relationships because if you narrow your dating pool to people who make the same amount of money as you then your dating pool will become vanishingly small.

If she’s a chef by profession, then I surmise that she’s probably been hit very hard by the economic consequences of the pandemic. Is she currently working? Do you know how much she was earning before the pandemic and how it compares to now?
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Re: Moved in together but unhappy

Unread postby BunnyZee » 7 March 2021, 20:13

I tried to talk to her but she just doesn’t seem that interested in sorting out her own, adult problems...

She is working at the moment but on reduced hours. The debt repayments are a killer for her...
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Re: Moved in together but unhappy

Unread postby René » 7 March 2021, 21:28

I get the feeling she was neither financially nor psychologically ready to move out. It is a shame the move seems to have resulted in a rift in your relationship.

Don't stay together for what others think.

BunnyZee wrote:I tried to talk to her but she just doesn’t seem that interested in sorting out her own, adult problems...

Is there any way you could stage some sort of intervention? Do you have any, shall we say... allies?
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Re: Moved in together but unhappy

Unread postby Raynethemagi » 8 March 2021, 04:22

Well, have you ever just sat down and told eachother what you want out of this relationship?

Have you both sat down, and literally wrote out what it is you want in the relationship? Have you both talked about the things you like/dislike about the other person and tried to come up with some sort of compromise or resolution?

All I know is, a relationship is a 2 way street. In my personal opinion, it should be 50/50. One person should not be doing more than the other person and vice-versa. if that's going on (which sounds like what is actually going on) then you need to divy out the responsibilities to where there's literally no question of someone doing more than the other person. And, BOTH PARTIES, should agree to whatever solution you come up with. If you need to take days, weeks, hell even months to figure it out, better to work on it now then to have it linger in your current relationship. If you want this to work, and if she wants this to work, then you both have to be on the same or similar pages. Otherwise, you will always have problems. You need to be willing to meet eachother at least halfway. Not just half the time, halfway. This is going to be an ongoing thing, but if you both really care about your relationship you'll make the changes necessary to keep it alive.

That's what I see...
Here's an example of the Universe trying to tell you that you need healing in an area of your life:

Someone who struggles with showing emotion. This person, in their lifetime, will constantly struggle with this, and that is because, they choose to ignore or disregard the fact that they have trouble showing emotion. Most people will ignore this issue, and will continue to fracture themselves. And this goes with pretty much any problem that happens in your life that is recurring. Don't pass up an opportunity to make you "whole" again.
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