Moving BF into my house

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Moving BF into my house

Unread postby Mikepitts » 21 March 2021, 14:32

Hey all, I've got question that I can't seem to find an answer to.

I am trying to figure out how to best go about moving my bf into my house, so that it feel like OUR house and he doesn't feel like he's just a guest. I know it feels weird for him, my ex and I were together for 11 years, and bought this house together, after our relationship ended, I kept the house, as I could afford it, and he continued to live here (rent free, but I digress :argh: ) for over a year while trying to find a place of his own in his hometown. This made for a strange situation, that got even stranger after I met someone new. He has finally moved out, and truth be told, that relationship should have ended years ago, we were both 20 when we met and he was my first real experience dating a boy, and we jumped into a relationship without really knowing each other.

My BF shares and apartment with a friend of his, who is getting married and has asked him to find someplace else, so we have been talking about him moving in with me, truthfully, I am glad, because I was going to ask him regardless. What can I do to help him feel more comfortable when he does move in? I am planning on setting aside some money so we can redecorate, buy new bedding together, and change some of the paint colors, and I want him to be involved in all that so he feels more connected to the space. Also, how should we handle finances? He is the one that brought sharing in the expenses, but he makes a fair bit less than I do, so I'm not sure how to handle that. I got used to paying all the bills and the mortgage on my own, as my ex couldn't hold down a job.

Thanks in advance,
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Re: Moving BF into my house

Unread postby Raynethemagi » 21 March 2021, 16:22

Reading this is like reading poetry. Beauty literally in every word. Your boyfriend is a very lucky man. Home should be a place where you can just be yourself, and nothing feeds into that idea more than a loved one who cares about you. This is the first time I've read something that a gay man wrote that gave me all the feels! Sorry how I'm going on about how beautiful this is. It's like reading something you only see in movies, cause this kind of thing you can't find most places which is sad.

So, my career or something I'm focusing on is the field of therapy. I don't really consider it therapy, I want to be what I consider a "happiness advisor." Therapy or being a therapist sounds like I'm bored with life lol. So, as far as giving you advice on how to make your home more homey for your boyfriend, honestly I think that's something only you can answer. You know him way more than any of us know him. Honestly it sounds like you've given yourself the best piece of advice, which is, you want him to have input on colors, bedding, etc... That's probably the best thing to do, to include him on changes to your to-be happy home.

However, the only advice I have is to split all the responsibilities 50/50. So financially, around the house, etc... split it 50/50. Based on the details you've provided of your last relationship, it sounds like a 90/10 kind of thing, where you took care of most of the things while the other guy was able to take advantage of you. I find that relationships where someone is carrying most of the weight seldom don't work out, and usually ends up in separation/divorce. If you split it 50/50, no one's doing more than the other person. There's an equal amount of work being put out by both parties. Plus it's just easier that way. One less obstacle you have to worry about.

With your permission, can I copy and paste the paragraph above the sentence "Thanks in advance."? I'm thinking about starting a "happiness box" or something to that effect where I put in things that make me happy. Every so often, just like everyone else, I get sad and alone. And, having something like this around would come in handy to remind me of the good things in life. So, if I could take that paragraph and put it on my computer, I'd really appreciate it!

Thanks for restoring my faith in humanity today!
Here's an example of the Universe trying to tell you that you need healing in an area of your life:

Someone who struggles with showing emotion. This person, in their lifetime, will constantly struggle with this, and that is because, they choose to ignore or disregard the fact that they have trouble showing emotion. Most people will ignore this issue, and will continue to fracture themselves. And this goes with pretty much any problem that happens in your life that is recurring. Don't pass up an opportunity to make you "whole" again.
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Re: Moving BF into my house

Unread postby mysterygoldfish » 21 March 2021, 17:11

Mikepitts wrote:What can I do to help him feel more comfortable when he does move in? I am planning on setting aside some money so we can redecorate, buy new bedding together, and change some of the paint colors, and I want him to be involved in all that so he feels more connected to the space.


If I were you I would buy him a bunch of ice cream. I know that would make me feel more comfortable at least.

In seriousness the idea of having him be involved in the space sounds like a brilliant and thoughtful idea. I think that could certainly help and make him feel truly part of your house and not just living in yours and also just such a truly thought out gesture. I think that it also could feel like a level of commitment to moving in and being part of the household with designing it to fit you both, if that makes any sense.

Maybe, if you and and he wants, if he has any furniture, decorations, dishes, etc from his apartment that he likes you should bring it with you to your home so you are integrating parts of his apartment where he lived before. as well as just bringing some of him in. It might be more comfortable to have some familiar things so everything is not brand new and foreign.

I hope that everything goes smoothly and that you are both happy and comfortable in your new life living together! :D :heart:
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Re: Moving BF into my house

Unread postby Nicholas » 21 March 2021, 18:06

Mikepitts wrote:Also, how should we handle finances? He is the one that brought sharing in the expenses, but he makes a fair bit less than I do, so I'm not sure how to handle that. I got used to paying all the bills and the mortgage on my own, as my ex couldn't hold down a job.

Allowing him to provide an equal share of the finances will go a long way in making him feel like he is not just a guest. There's a more eloquent way of phrasing that sentence but there you go!
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Re: Moving BF into my house

Unread postby Jzone » 21 March 2021, 19:32

Relationships, housing, and shared expenses can all get messy on their own. Together they can lead to serious resentment and disaster. It is important to be as clear as possible up front to avoid that. It's not romantic to deal with those decisions but he brought it up, so you are off to a good start. If you don't plan to get married then clear financial agreements are even more important. I suggest you pay the mortgage (since the house is yours) and split utilities and food 50/50. If he can afford it, an additional contribution for "rent" is also reasonable. If his income improves or you decide to make a serious commitment to each other, then you can revisit splitting the mortgage as well. Sharing non-financial household tasks should also be expected — cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, yard work, basic maintenance, etc. Those don't need to all be 50/50, since one might be a better cook and one a better handyman, but it should feel balanced.

Painting together and getting new bedding are both great ideas for helping him feel at home. You might also go shopping together for some new decor after the painting. You don't need to spend a lot: it's more about sharing the process and decisions. If he comes with some favorite items already, you can hopefully incorporate those. Planning a special evening after the painting could also be good. Order take-out, pick a movie or two, turn off your phones, and celebrate.
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Re: Moving BF into my house

Unread postby René » 21 March 2021, 19:50

I'm curious, how long have you and your boyfriend been seeing each other? And has he spent a lot of time staying over so far?

It sounds like there's some time pressure due to his situation with his roommate. My advice would be to avoid making rapid changes that are difficult to reverse, and to kind of view everything as being on a trial basis. Be prepared for things not working out the way you intended. There should be scope for either of you to say that "with hindsight things went too fast; let's take a step back and rewind" without imperiling the relationship. That in itself may make it more likely to succeed by reducing pressure and anxiety.

Anyway, this is very exciting and it sounds like you care about your boyfriend a great deal. :3 Good luck! :keke:
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Re: Moving BF into my house

Unread postby Mikepitts » 22 March 2021, 01:27

Raynethemagi wrote:Reading this is like reading poetry. Beauty literally in every word. Your boyfriend is a very lucky man. Home should be a place where you can just be yourself, and nothing feeds into that idea more than a loved one who cares about you. This is the first time I've read something that a gay man wrote that gave me all the feels! Sorry how I'm going on about how beautiful this is. It's like reading something you only see in movies, cause this kind of thing you can't find most places which is sad.

So, my career or something I'm focusing on is the field of therapy. I don't really consider it therapy, I want to be what I consider a "happiness advisor." Therapy or being a therapist sounds like I'm bored with life lol. So, as far as giving you advice on how to make your home more homey for your boyfriend, honestly I think that's something only you can answer. You know him way more than any of us know him. Honestly it sounds like you've given yourself the best piece of advice, which is, you want him to have input on colors, bedding, etc... That's probably the best thing to do, to include him on changes to your to-be happy home.

However, the only advice I have is to split all the responsibilities 50/50. So financially, around the house, etc... split it 50/50. Based on the details you've provided of your last relationship, it sounds like a 90/10 kind of thing, where you took care of most of the things while the other guy was able to take advantage of you. I find that relationships where someone is carrying most of the weight seldom don't work out, and usually ends up in separation/divorce. If you split it 50/50, no one's doing more than the other person. There's an equal amount of work being put out by both parties. Plus it's just easier that way. One less obstacle you have to worry about.

With your permission, can I copy and paste the paragraph above the sentence "Thanks in advance."? I'm thinking about starting a "happiness box" or something to that effect where I put in things that make me happy. Every so often, just like everyone else, I get sad and alone. And, having something like this around would come in handy to remind me of the good things in life. So, if I could take that paragraph and put it on my computer, I'd really appreciate it!

Thanks for restoring my faith in humanity today!


Thank you for your kind words, you of course can use my post, it's posted publicly anyway. I see your point on splitting things 50/50, the ex that I bought the house with really was a 90/10 relationship, and it caused a great deal of resentment and ultimately led to the end of our relationship. I will say that we really did try to find a balance that worked, probably more times than we should have. I suppose I should be more accepting that my BF wants to help, and wants to be involved in the household finances, he really is the person I should have met a decade ago, but as a friend of mine told me when I was going through our separation, "you have to find the wrong one to find the right one"
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Re: Moving BF into my house

Unread postby Raynethemagi » 22 March 2021, 01:46

Mikepitts wrote:
Raynethemagi wrote:Reading this is like reading poetry. Beauty literally in every word. Your boyfriend is a very lucky man. Home should be a place where you can just be yourself, and nothing feeds into that idea more than a loved one who cares about you. This is the first time I've read something that a gay man wrote that gave me all the feels! Sorry how I'm going on about how beautiful this is. It's like reading something you only see in movies, cause this kind of thing you can't find most places which is sad.

So, my career or something I'm focusing on is the field of therapy. I don't really consider it therapy, I want to be what I consider a "happiness advisor." Therapy or being a therapist sounds like I'm bored with life lol. So, as far as giving you advice on how to make your home more homey for your boyfriend, honestly I think that's something only you can answer. You know him way more than any of us know him. Honestly it sounds like you've given yourself the best piece of advice, which is, you want him to have input on colors, bedding, etc... That's probably the best thing to do, to include him on changes to your to-be happy home.

However, the only advice I have is to split all the responsibilities 50/50. So financially, around the house, etc... split it 50/50. Based on the details you've provided of your last relationship, it sounds like a 90/10 kind of thing, where you took care of most of the things while the other guy was able to take advantage of you. I find that relationships where someone is carrying most of the weight seldom don't work out, and usually ends up in separation/divorce. If you split it 50/50, no one's doing more than the other person. There's an equal amount of work being put out by both parties. Plus it's just easier that way. One less obstacle you have to worry about.

With your permission, can I copy and paste the paragraph above the sentence "Thanks in advance."? I'm thinking about starting a "happiness box" or something to that effect where I put in things that make me happy. Every so often, just like everyone else, I get sad and alone. And, having something like this around would come in handy to remind me of the good things in life. So, if I could take that paragraph and put it on my computer, I'd really appreciate it!

Thanks for restoring my faith in humanity today!


Thank you for your kind words, you of course can use my post, it's posted publicly anyway. I see your point on splitting things 50/50, the ex that I bought the house with really was a 90/10 relationship, and it caused a great deal of resentment and ultimately led to the end of our relationship. I will say that we really did try to find a balance that worked, probably more times than we should have. I suppose I should be more accepting that my BF wants to help, and wants to be involved in the household finances, he really is the person I should have met a decade ago, but as a friend of mine told me when I was going through our separation, "you have to find the wrong one to find the right one"


Awwww....I'm sorry to hear that. I have real sympathy for couples that go through something like this. And, like you stated above, the real sad part is when the person who is doing 90% of the work, or carrying the weight of responsibilities, does this because they care about their relationship. They want something that is real. It's hard to be in a relationship where there's one person who is truly invested in making things work, and the other person doesn't see what's so wrong with the relationship. Well yeah, of course that person doesn't see what's wrong. That other person doesn't have to work at it, lol! THAT is rough.

But now, as long as this other guy is just as serious as you are, we can start to truly grow. We can make memories to last a lifetime. But the best part is, you'll be doing it together! Real love is not easy, but is worth every bit of time to foster!
Here's an example of the Universe trying to tell you that you need healing in an area of your life:

Someone who struggles with showing emotion. This person, in their lifetime, will constantly struggle with this, and that is because, they choose to ignore or disregard the fact that they have trouble showing emotion. Most people will ignore this issue, and will continue to fracture themselves. And this goes with pretty much any problem that happens in your life that is recurring. Don't pass up an opportunity to make you "whole" again.
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Re: Moving BF into my house

Unread postby Mikepitts » 22 March 2021, 01:48

René wrote:I'm curious, how long have you and your boyfriend been seeing each other? And has he spent a lot of time staying over so far?

It sounds like there's some time pressure due to his situation with his roommate. My advice would be to avoid making rapid changes that are difficult to reverse, and to kind of view everything as being on a trial basis. Be prepared for things not working out the way you intended. There should be scope for either of you to say that "with hindsight things went too fast; let's take a step back and rewind" without imperiling the relationship. That in itself may make it more likely to succeed by reducing pressure and anxiety.

Anyway, this is very exciting and it sounds like you care about your boyfriend a great deal. :3 Good luck! :keke:



well, to answer your question, we have known each other for two years or so, he worked for a company I did business with at my previous job, I managed a hardware store, and his company sold locally made textile products. I was a bad boy, and we hooked up a few times before I officially ended my last relationship, I justified it to myself by telling myself that the relationship had been dead for a long time. That was not my proudest moment, and I regret doing it, but I don't regret meeting my current BF. But we did end up cultivating a meaningful relationship out of that experience, and we've been "officially " dating about 8 months.

As to the moving in too quickly, I see your point, and it's valid. We have talked about that, and if we decide that we need to take a step back, and reset at a slower pace, then we can. We talked about a backup plan if things don't work out the way we intent, and he would move back into his mother's house. But we both really want things to work out. I haven't told him this yet, but my plan is in a couple years, when I pay off the mountain of debt that my ex left me, to sell the house (I want a yard much larger than my current half acre) and we both buy a new house together that is equally ours.
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