My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

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My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby Cubit » 3 October 2021, 20:34

I’ve seen basically no discussion on this topic on the web, which makes me think I’m even more of an outlier/freak about my feelings and attitudes.

My bf has had a number of girlfriends he’s still close with, and it seems as though he dated or slept with almost all the gay men he’s friends with. I’m not at all comfortable with this situation.

He says it’s no big deal and he wants to be loyal to each and everyone of these people. Sexual relationships are also friendships and he’s not currently having sex with any of them. He even reaches out to random hookups he doesn’t even know well to see if he can further develop those into friendships.

He does still reminisce with them about their past escapades. They are sexually flirty and make suggestive jokes. Some of them he has slept with off and on including up until the week before we started dating. They call each other ‘baby’ and other pet names. Until recently he’d talk to them about our sex life - he said he’s stopped that now because I’m so uncomfortable about it.

I feel like a freak because obviously this is all ok with the gays given so many people sleep with all their friends.

Not really sure what to do. I feel pretty alone in my conservatism as it seems like so many gay people think this is no big deal
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Re: My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby Eryx » 3 October 2021, 20:59

He's definitely on a different end of a spectrum, and I would feel uncomfortable as well, but I'm really impressed with how mature he is (if it all stands up). That's the kind of resolve I aspire to have.

Anyway, you're not forced to do anything. Love him to bits? Get over yourself and get used to him being an affectionate person. Just like him? Break it off and find someone who is more compatible socially and affectionally.

I'm not going to be the one to tell you how to change your boyfriend and convince him to alienate all of the friends he's had for longer than you existed for him, if that's what you're looking for. And I doubt anyone here would.
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Re: My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby pozzie » 3 October 2021, 23:35

I won't go so far as to say it's "not a big deal." Clearly it is. For you.

I think Eryx has pretty much summed up the options: "Love him to bits? Get over yourself and get used to him being an affectionate person. Just like him? Break it off and find someone who is more compatible socially and affectionally."

It's ridiculous to try to change another person. You can either change your views of the situation or move on.
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Re: My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby Cubit » 4 October 2021, 18:08

Thanks guys. I do love him to bits, but I've tried - it's been over a year and this isn't something I can live with for the rest of my life so I'm going to end it.

I was wondering if I'm pretty much the only one for whom this would be a problem or if there are other gay people who are similarly conservative on these issues. I'm resolving myself that a gay monogamous relationship probably isn't in the cards for me given how free and open everyone seems to want to be
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Re: My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby PopTart » 4 October 2021, 18:39

If you really are adamant on wanting what you want. Then I think you are making the right choice with this current bf.

It would be wrong to try to change him from the free spirited, loving person that you have fallen for, into something else.

Why do you love him, anyway? What is it about him, that makes you care about him so much?

That sounds abit harsh, in text but I guess I'm trying to find out what it was that won you over with this guy.
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Re: My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby pozzie » 4 October 2021, 19:17

Don't give up hope - there are lots of guys who want a monogamous relationship. But remember, men are still men, and few are paragons of virtue, even the straight ones stray on occasion.
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Re: My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby Jryski » 9 October 2021, 06:48

Eryx wrote:He's definitely on a different end of a spectrum, and I would feel uncomfortable as well, but I'm really impressed with how mature he is (if it all stands up). That's the kind of resolve I aspire to have.

Anyway, you're not forced to do anything. Love him to bits? Get over yourself and get used to him being an affectionate person. Just like him? Break it off and find someone who is more compatible socially and affectionally.

I'm not going to be the one to tell you how to change your boyfriend and convince him to alienate all of the friends he's had for longer than you existed for him, if that's what you're looking for. And I doubt anyone here would.

I whole heartedly agree. I’m still close with my ex and my boyfriend is cool with it. I make platonic friends and he’s cool with that too. I even invite them over for dinner sometimes and he enjoys meeting them. He knows I’m not sexually promiscuous. If you’re not comfortable with it, you can talk to him and slowly learn to trust him. If he’s cheating on you, you can dump him if you want. There’s nothing to be afraid of.
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Re: My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby katzgar » 10 October 2021, 12:29

Cubit wrote:I’ve seen basically no discussion on this topic on the web, which makes me think I’m even more of an outlier/freak about my feelings and attitudes.

My bf has had a number of girlfriends he’s still close with, and it seems as though he dated or slept with almost all the gay men he’s friends with. I’m not at all comfortable with this situation.

He says it’s no big deal and he wants to be loyal to each and everyone of these people. Sexual relationships are also friendships and he’s not currently having sex with any of them. He even reaches out to random hookups he doesn’t even know well to see if he can further develop those into friendships.

He does still reminisce with them about their past escapades. They are sexually flirty and make suggestive jokes. Some of them he has slept with off and on including up until the week before we started dating. They call each other ‘baby’ and other pet names. Until recently he’d talk to them about our sex life - he said he’s stopped that now because I’m so uncomfortable about it.

I feel like a freak because obviously this is all ok with the gays given so many people sleep with all their friends.


do you think he is hypersexual? There is some thought amongst shrinks that hypersexuals are dysfunctuional. Perhaps you are more asexual? Give that some thought.

Not really sure what to do. I feel pretty alone in my conservatism as it seems like so many gay people think this is no big deal
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Re: My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby HornyBussy757 » 28 October 2021, 21:23

I agree with other posters. U can't fully change a person especially once they get a certain age.

I find it no problem unless they still sleeping with each other. If so...beware of STDs.
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Re: My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby Brenden » 28 October 2021, 21:39

When was the last time, in relation to your relationship, he was tested for STDs? (When was the last time you were?) Is/was he taking PrEP (e.g., Truvada)?

As for yourself, you should probably visit a sexual health clinic ASAP, get the full panel of tests and request a 9-valent HPV vaccine and a hepatitis A+B vaccine, and consider taking PrEP yourself as a precaution, until you are more secure in the relationship.

As for the relationship… if he makes you happy and you both have defined your relationship clearly and satisfactorily (such as that it is sexually exclusive), then you should definitely stick with it and see where it goes.
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Re: My bf has had sex with a lot of his friends

Unread postby Simonsub » 29 October 2021, 02:02

Everyone Is different, we all have varying libidos and as guys i think we find it easier to have uncomplicated sex without too much emotional baggage

But as said, we are all different individuals and that is what makes life both so interesting and fascinating, but also can cause pain for others.

Communication in any relationship is the key and from what you say it seems you have talked the issues. And also in any relationship there need to be some mutual parameters.

If he is not prepared to meet you at least some of the way, given that you are not so long together as his other past friends......then as you say, you are better parting.

Good luck, take care,

Simon :-)
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