Need advice with new boyfriend

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Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Zurdoknoc » 11 June 2020, 13:52

Hi:
I recently got a new boyfriend. Things are going good. Recently his grandma got sick and ended up at the hospital. He takes care of her along with a couple of relatives. His dad had to come to town and help and apparently he is staying with him. Since his grandma ended up at the hospital and his dad is here we have not had communication. Maybe one text message per day. Last time we talked on the phone was 3 days ago. I’ve texted briefly expressing my good vibes for him but no response. I’ve called once or twice and I have not received a call back.
I don’t know what to think or do.
Please advice.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Frigid » 11 June 2020, 15:37

Is he in the closet?
poolerboy0077 wrote:Aren’t you a vegetarian? I hear your people’s farts are quite lethal. It doesn’t matter much if a volcano’s lip is clean when there lava pit is ready to burst at any unexpected moment.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Zurdoknoc » 11 June 2020, 16:09

Oh not at all, not in the closet at all.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Eryx » 11 June 2020, 18:52

The facts that his grandmother is in the hospital and that his dad's in the house are not good reasons to go dark on the phone.
He's probably done with you. Or he isn't sure of what he wants. I'm sorry.

You're boyfriends, right? Officially, or is it that weird thing that people do abroad where they say they're "dating" but actually only met the other person three or four times?

If he's your boyfriend, tell him that it means more than communicating once a week, and that if that's how it's going to be, you're out. If he's just someone you've been hooking up with, I'm pretty sure that he's not coming back, and the sooner you move on to the next one, the less time you've wasted.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Zurdoknoc » 11 June 2020, 19:01

He is my boyfriend not a date. He texted “ I can’t call. I am with my dad figuring out the care for my grandma”. I thought they was weird ....
I already told him I don’t feel comfortable with going black on me. I think the one who’s done here is me. I don’t want to be with a person that just makes me feel a second plate and go dark on me.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Eryx » 11 June 2020, 20:04

I think he's using his dad and his grandmother as excuses to ignore you.

There are places here in Brazil where there are no beds available anymore due to Covid-19, so people get transferred from here to there, from there to the next state, from that state back here, until they can be treated. That can be hectic and stressful, but even if your boyfriend is going through something like that, I can't imagine myself not being able to grab my phone during an Uber ride and telling my boyfriend how things are going and where we're at.

Boyfriends are usually someone we vent to, so I'd actually be sending more messages to my boyfriend about everything than less. I'd want to talk to him so that I could cry to him, share the possibilities of what could happen and calm down.

There's no excuse for 3 days. That could be an excuse in 1990, but it's not possible now.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Zurdoknoc » 11 June 2020, 20:31

You are right. Would it be wrong to stop by his place and give him a few stuffs back I still have with me? I don’t want them here
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Eos » 11 June 2020, 22:16

While I agree with Eryx, I also must say that we don't know your boyfriend.
What is his relationship with his grandma ? With his father ? Did he ever lost someone ? I can imagine that if I first experienced death(or the knowledge that it's coming), I could go dark to anyone as I wouldn't want to bother anyone and because I couldn't handle my emotions (so I just lock myself). Even a to a boyfriend.

I may be overeacting, but I don't think we should give advices without more details on your relationship with him.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Zurdoknoc » 11 June 2020, 22:27

His grandma is 88 years old. His dad lives out of state. He watches her and visits once a week to help with meds grocery shopping etc. He is the main contact in case something happens to her. The lady lives alone. I’ve heard since I met him how much he cares about her. He is somehow close to his dad. Nothing wrong between them. My bf lost his mom from cancer maybe 2 years ago. We spend the first night together last Saturday night and a good amount of the day and we talk all the time during the day either text or phone. From one day to another going dark feels weird without me even knowing he wanted to do that. It’s not fair for me when obviously I care about him. Being quiet about this just makes me feel stupid and played out. I rather talk and know than being shut down out of the blue. All I know is that they are figuring out the 24/7 care for her when she is out of the hospital and that’s it. Does that takes the whole day and night from someone’s time, when someone is helping you on that? I don’t know. It’s just weird. Also when covid-19 started, he decided not to hang out in person because he was afraid of getting the virus and transmit it to his grandma. So we only did phone calls and texts for 2 months. When he felt ready, we finally got together. Those shut downs are just a fucking game for me. I already told him it’s not fair to dark me this way.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Zurdoknoc » 12 June 2020, 05:13

Update
I found out through a text message that he decided not to respond to any text message or call from anyone. Including me. He said also everybody have been understanding except me and I’m the only one giving him a hard time. I sent a text message saying if I did something wrong to deserve the not communicating for 3 days. He said he was a bit annoyed and he asked for space. All what I tried to do was to be supportive and getting a no communication shit to deal with. I am the one annoyed Offended and disrespected here. I don’t need space. I am DONE with this dude
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Choicespecs » 12 June 2020, 06:30

(not gonna lie this post may have triggered me. I debated to post it or not, but decided to. Take what you want from it. Reply - dont reply. Its cool)


I have to agree with Eos on this. I dont think he did anything wrong. No one owes anybody anything, and to think they do is narcisstic. You assumed he was going to text while dealing with family member in the hospital, and when he didnt this invalidated you and now youre throwing everything out. This wasnt about you or the relationship. You made his grandma in the hospital about you.

You shouldve waited till after this is over and told him how you felt rather than add more stress to him. Family dying can make people act different. Some people need complete space, some people want attention. Just because you want attention does not mean thats what he needs.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Zurdoknoc » 12 June 2020, 06:57

Wait patiently and not say anything. That sounds like a woman not speaking after she was raped. Or like the black guy killed and not heard. Not my lady... I speak out. Sorry you will Hear me. You don’t like it. Fudge it. Next!! This is 2020. There is no excuse for comunication feels good to be single!
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Choicespecs » 12 June 2020, 07:00

Comparing your struggle of your boyfriend being distant because hes dealing with a family emergency to a women being raped or BLM just goes to show your entitled narcisstic toxic attitude. Let this guy go. For his sake
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Zurdoknoc » 12 June 2020, 11:20

What needs to be removed is your comment about being quiet and don’t say anything regardless of the situation.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Choicespecs » 12 June 2020, 11:33

I never said to stay quiet. I said to wait till after the situation is over to bring up how you are feeling about the no contact.

You're adding unnecessary stress to an already stressful and very emotional situation. Taking away their feelings and attention about a family member potentially on their death bed to make it about your lonely insecurity. That is selfish and cruel. But clearly you're not mature enough to understand people have lives and emotions that don't revolve around you.

I'm done replying, you've shown your true colours. Making an old lady going into the hospital about your own petty insecruities and then equating this situation to rape and BLM - that is just wrong and insulting to those issues and victims.

Enjoy your single life, I hope you find happiness within yourself.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Zurdoknoc » 12 June 2020, 14:03

Thanks for replying. I appreciate the feedback. I’m here for advice not to be judged. Communication is a key component in our lives. I was not communicated he wanted to stop contact to deal with his issues. From the day before talking many times. Texting a million of times to the next days going to close to zero communication , of course it’s not right. Of course feels awkward. Of course I did t know and I had to ask and that is just fair. Knowing he wanted to he wanted to shut down completely tells me how he deals with stressful situations. I just didn’t know what was happening in his head. All I did was just to text a bit asking what was going on and call 2 times and left one voicemail. All this in3 days. He got back at me all mad and said I’m the only person giving him a hard time and he is annoyed I was annoyed with his text but I responded with a positive message of support and good vibes and prayers and just said we will talk when he is ready. I am not sure if he will call but I hope he doesn’t. In my head I’m done with him. When we deal with stressful situations we don’t push people out of our lives.
I will enjoy the single life.
I don’t agree with Just being informed of a boyfriend‘s decision when I am part of it, it is not correct or kind. Not I’m not being selfish or making it about myself. It’s about us. I wish him well.
Thanks again for your advice
Last edited by Zurdoknoc on 12 June 2020, 17:32, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Eos » 12 June 2020, 16:34

I'm gonna give a piece of advice, well more like an opinion since I don't have experience.
But when you love someone, you need to have a strong will. For you and for him. Lacking of this kind of strength may make you lose more people that you liked.
Don't get me wrong, you were right to feel this way. You chooses to follow your feelings, that's OK, but sometimes you have to make some sacrifices.
I have a friend which I like a lot. His job and the distance make our discussions difficults. Sometimes he don't have the strength to deal with messages since his job take too much of his strength. And that's OK, there is ups and downs. I endure the situation. And that's worth it because in the end he will be there for me as well.
And I'm only talking about friendship. I don't know love yet but I'm sure of one thing. Life ain't always easy. You need to be strong for you and the others.
Even I know how difficult it is to manage a situation where you want to help but can't do anything. But it happens. The only thing you can do is try your best with what you can do. To have no regrets. Without being a burden for the person you want to help.
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Re: Need advice with new boyfriend

Unread postby Zurdoknoc » 12 June 2020, 20:15

Thank you. Wide advice. You need to experience the “ghosting” thing too. I didn’t know what was going on and I just asked. Now that I know I can endure for as long as it’s needed. I was not asking to he texted or called or even contacted. I was asking the reason why no more communication. That’s all. We don’t get rid off people just like this. Specially after you are so close to them 1 day before. Anyway. I liked your opinion and I agree. I wish you find love soon
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