Need some insight on a relationship

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Need some insight on a relationship

Unread postby cpdude85 » 27 March 2019, 04:38

Hey all. I need your advice on something. I've been dating this guy for a little over seven months. For the most part, things are going very well. However, I feel like there's some seeds of toxicity starting to build. But there's also a side to it that might be me and I'll get to that. This is my first real relationship at age 33 so I'm kind of going through this blindfolded (thanks Christianity and conversion therapy!!). I just finally came out last year.

A lot of it comes down to the fact that while me and him do have a lot in common, but when it comes to shared experiences, we have different tastes for the most part. He's more of a stay at home person and I'm more of a "go out and do things" kind of a person. I prefer to walk and he insists on driving. I prefer eating local for the experience and he's good with fast food. We've really worked on that...and we've found some common ground. I really don't think that's as big of an issue as it was when we first started dating. Actually I would say that until this last weekend I would say things were going very well in this department.

However, I can now see him starting to resent me for my interests because they aren't what he believes they should be. One example is the topics of religion and politics...two topics I'm passionate about. I've made an effort to discuss those topics very minimally with him since he doesn't care for them. He knows just enough about politics to know who to vote for and prefers to not think or discuss the topic. With religion, he's "spiritual" but he doesn't want to discuss it beyond that. However, they are passions of mine, and I bring things up from time to time.

This last Friday, things were going great, and then I bring up something political and he snaps at me about it. He does it again on Sunday. He gets onto me for browsing r/atheism and r/exchristian. I can see his perspective but I'm also the kind of guy who likes to have discussions about deeper and more meaningful topics and he isn't. I have to turn to online forums for that. I think I've done my best to not discuss these topics with him except at a very basic level but I'm not going to give up my interest in them.

Also on Friday, he tells me to stop touching him and to back off, and then he told me I was too clingy the night before

I'm an affectionate person...this has made me worry about whether or not its okay to be affectionate

Sex life isn't that great. A lot of it is because of his OCD about cleanliness and bodily fluids including cum. If we fool around it has to be right before he takes a shower and we can't have anything else planned. Thing is, I'm typically not horny at the times he is and vice versa. I have my own sexual dysfunctions though that are a result of my fundie upbringing. I could actually live with this since cuddling is far more important to me than sex and we cuddle all the time. Wish he would cuddle shirtless more though.

However, no relationship is perfect and there's always going to be arguments. Theres going to be good days and bad days and at six months, this has been long enough for bad days to start to become a thing. There are going to be those days where one person or the other is in a shitty mood and will snap.

He also has health problems and if I stay with him, I'm pretty much going to have to be his caretaker from this summer to next because he's going to need a series of surgeries. I'm really not looking forward to going through this but I'd be an absolute scum of the earth asshole for leaving him because of it.

I worry that I myself might be self-sabatoging this Why? My entire life I've never had anything stable. I've never really been happy for a long period of time. Every time I've found happiness it's been snatched away from me. I'm worried about this happening here, and I worry that I might be creating problems and intentionally causing what I fear. Kind of how my worst fear when I lived in North Carolina after college was having to move back to Oklahoma...and my own actions lead to that being the end result.

Another side of this is I still have an intense desire to move away from Oklahoma. My boyfriend would prefer to stay here.
This brings me to probably our biggest conflict. He prefers living out in the country or on the edge of the city. I prefer downtown. He has extremely resistent to compromising on this. This is why we haven't moved in together yet. That has also led him to get a roommate, which is something that I think is a bigger thing to him than he is letting on. It really should be us living together but I'm not ready to commit to living in the outer suburbs.

Now if I lived anywhere other than OKC, I would live in the suburbs no problem

But here, it's such a conservative, Bible-thumping, culture the only place I can tolerate is downtown OKC

So to be with him, I'm probably going to have to live in the outer burbs of OKC, which is not the life I want. The prospect of that future is soooo depressing

But...is this something to blow up a relationship over?

There's also the question of whether or not I'm ready for a relationship. Answer is, I'm probably not. I kind of stumbled into this. I've only been out of the closet about a year.

But things worked out almost like a romantic comedy. We met in person through a mutual friend and things just kind of clicked. It was almost magical. He's probably the sweetest, most genuine guy I'll ever meet. And it's painful to think about not being with him. I worry that I'm too focused on what I wish my life was instead of letting myself be happy with what I have. Maybe I'm just afraid of how fast things are moving and am looking for a way out. What are your thoughts on this matter?
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Re: Need some insight on a relationship

Unread postby \Tomb Raider/ » 12 April 2019, 22:10

I know where you’re coming from. My husband was the same way. Somewhat of an introvert really didn’t want to do much, as far as going out. I wanted to live downtown and him out of the city. We bumped head a lot on that topic. Eventually we lived downtown and we both loved it for about two years. Over time it was just to noisy and really there was no time to relax as you can hear the neighbor upstairs stomping around, police and ambulance flying by throughout the day and night.

Eventually we moved out of downtown but not far away and absolutely loved it. Yeah it’s quieter and a bit of drive to downtown but him and I started spending more time walking around late at night or on weekends. It seemed more romantic and relaxing to be further away.

As far as the sex goes try and listen to what his fantasies are and you tell him yours. You might learn a couple of things about each other that you both want to try. Try showering together. It can be fun and romantic too.


I can understand the frustration but communication between the two of you can help a lot.
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Re: Need some insight on a relationship

Unread postby sugardreams225 » 25 April 2019, 09:40

your story so encroach me, really insane
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