Need to talk for a bit.

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Need to talk for a bit.

Unread postby Eos » 17 April 2020, 18:58

Hey !

First a little heads up : this isn't a very important thread, a lot of people here will need help so please don't waste your time on me. I just need to talk. Feel less alone.

I've been here for some time. And as I feared, not much have changed for me. Well to enough in my opinion at least.
Lost my mom two years ago. Found the best friend I will ever find. Dealt with my grief last year. Dealing with school. I've restarted my master's degree this January.

Seems like a lot happened right ?
But still, since I have been free (let's say 2 years ago), I tried everything to find the love I've been missing. All I had was the start of a good relationship that both had to stop since we knew it wouldn't work out. It lasted one month. Also had probably around 10 dates (really not sure about the amount) with promising people during those years.
None of them worked out for various reasons. People being too smart. People liking me way too quickly. One who was too shy (and he kept chewing all the time when we were watching things xD). One who looked way younger in-app (I think it could have worked if it wasn't that photoshopped, but here the fall was too much).
I'll always remember the first one I chatted with. This time it was my fault. It was all new to me so I never had anyone telling me hot stuff. I stopped because he was really only talking about that, probably a bit too quick, he was asking me to shave and all, and since I never did that I've been hurt with a product. He didn't care because he was having terrible issues (for real). I understood that but didn't want to deal with that if he couldn't deal with some lighter issues.

Anyway, this pasts months felt a bit like the end of the line.
I learned that I needed time.
But in the meantime I will have to end my studies (with an internship that will make me live in Paris (or even abroad)). It will start March 2021. If I go abroad I know I will still be alone for some time. (I will be there 6 months, but I definitely know that I don't want to be away from my family, and I don't want to take someone with me)

So by the end of the internship it will be September 2021.
I will be close to my 26 years old and still won't have a lived love.
I know I still have sometime until my internship, but I've been looking around for so much time that I can't be hopeful for the coming months.
I don't care that much about the fact I am still a virgin. In the end the first one will feel honoured. But for god's sake, I think after all that I've been through, I deserve to be able to stop fighting, to have a shoulder where I could rest peacefully. I think it's all I want. Feeling the breath of someone close to my neck. Someone to take care of me (I know how this sounds, but I am the kind of person that put the weight of the world on my shoulders, so I know I need someone that can bear this weight for me).
When I talk about the weight of the world, I mean my world. I don't really care about everyone or everything. But I will sacrifice everything for the ones I know. My family, my friend. Anyone I care about. I don't want to be with many, but I really love the few I have.
There is just one person who is missing.

Once I have that, I will be able to achieve one of my dream. Having children. Learn them about what I've learned. Learning from them as well. Loving and beind loved.
If I achieve this I know I will die happy.

Just so you know, I am hopeless. I know I will find the one. I know what I am and what I ain't. I know some day, if I keep fighting, it might work. It's just really tiring to be always fighting through life with this in mind.

And voilà, I think I have vented enough for today. Thanks for staying with me to the end.
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Re: Need to talk for a bit.

Unread postby Eryx » 17 April 2020, 19:13

For starters, you did do a lot of things! They're recent, so they don't have the weight they deserve, but more ahead you'll look back at them and feel like you've achieved a lot of important things that have made you a more centered and mature adult. Those are necessary woes, and you've powered through them.

It wasn't your fault when it comes to the the guy who was asking you to shave. That's not something that should be done for someone else, it's something you want to do or not. Of course, if the guy I'm dating said "I really like a shaved bum, it would be nice for a change," I'd take the initiative to do it, but I wouldn't like all that much if he need´ed´´ that from me. Plus, if everything someone can talk about is sex, that's a red flag for me, simply because I'm not that crazy about sex and he'd probably get frustrated, or ask for an open relationship, of cheat on me outright. It's healthier and easier to be with someone who's at your pace, or at least at a compatible one.

Anyway, the rest of your post is about perspective. Living abroad means you have to stay alone until you come back? That simply isn't true. There was a guy on GTF (I can't remember his nickname) who was from Portugal and we connected very quickly. We hopped onto MSN and actually had an online relationship for a few months. He sent me gifts and I broke it off with him eventually because the distance was bothering me and I didn't think I could handle it. Soon after, he met another guy from Australia and actually went there to be with him. They weren't compatible but they gave it a shot (curiosity: we actually met in Portugal a few years ago and I stayed at his place, but nothing happened because we were both too worried to be too forward -- one of my biggest regrets!).

The guy he's currently with is from another country and they managed to get together and build a life with each other. They've traveled everywhere. You shouldn't put aside the possibility that a French guy could be your one and only. It's only your head that can create that restriction and I don't think it's fair or positive.

And drawing on another comparison, my current boyfriend is 22 (5 years younger than me) and I'm his first relationship. He came to Belo Horizonte (state capital) for work and studying, and all he did from 18 to now was to go on Grindr and meet random guys. The closest he came to a relationship was this guy he saw for three months who lived in the suburbs (annoying to meet because our public transport is what you'd expect). He took a chance with me and we're both happy about it. What I mean with this is that maybe you should emphasize less on the first time or a relationship, and more on just getting it over with. I was raised to not put too much weight on the first time, and it worked in my advantage. My first time was pretty bad and uneventful. I've had much better sex since then, more than ten-fold I'd wager. And that's how it goes for pretty much everyone.

It won't be magical, it will just be a milestone, and one you probably won't care too much about after a year. Getting into a relationship also involves sex a lot of times, so maybe a hook-up can become something else depending on your attitude.

Keep living your life and becoming a more interesting person everyday, that will always help.

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Re: Need to talk for a bit.

Unread postby Eos » 17 April 2020, 19:59

I mean I know I've done a lot of things in life. Especially those last years. I think I have a vision of life that most can't have at my age. I don't mean that with arrogance. I think I would be a lot less thoughtful (and a lot more happy) if I didn't live through some things. But still, they made me who I am today, and I am quite happy to have realised what matters the most to me before it was too late.

About going abroad, still I think it is highly likely nothing would work. I will never do anything that is short-time sighted. I know I doesn't want any long distance relationship. If I go to Canada, I don't want to fall in love with someone that have his whole life here. Making come to my country is also selfish. Who am I to make him go away from his family or friends ? If someone I cared about would want that from me I would eject him from my life ! I know, not everyone has a family or friends. But that's too unlikely. And I doubt I would fall for someone that do not like to be with anyone. Or that is especially alone.
I also know a relative that have a relationship with a Japanese girl. They have a great life, but we can't ever see them because when they are free they always move. It's cool for them. But I wouldn't stand to not be able to live close to my family.

I don't think I hope much for the first time either. As I said, I don't really think it is the thing I lack. The only thing I am hoping is just to be hugged. To rest easy near someone. This seems way cooler than having sex ha ha ^^

About the guy asking me to shave, the truth is also that I always wanted to shave. Even he wanted me to be shaved it wasn't that much of an issue for me. I was just a bit panicking on how to do so. Still he didn't care that I hurted myself so this was the red flag.
And as you said I know the red flag should have come way sooner, but it was way to hard for me as no one ever talked to me like that before ! No it's a different story I won experience !

I don't know how I could be a more interesting person. I used to always be worried about what I should be doing but right now I am OK with what I do, who I am. I used to always underestimate myself (it will sound stupid but I liked being like that, it was a way to always find room for improvement).
Now I have a people that I love. Enough hobbies so I am never bored (Video games, series, books, learning piano, improving my cooking skills, and when we will be free I definitely think of going back to a water pool). And even though I know what I want, I am not giving my expectations too much weight. I just know that someday, if you keep trying, life will change.
But still, knowing this do not make the trip easier.
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