New Relationship - Need Advice on Something

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New Relationship - Need Advice on Something

Unread postby andrewshell11 » 28 September 2020, 14:03

Hello. So this is probably going to be a bit longer post just to give the entire picture.

So, I matched with a guy on Tinder a couple of week ago. We were talking and making great conversation when we decided to meet up. he lives about 1 1/2 hours away, but that's not a huge deal since I'm from the middle of nowhere. Anyways, after we met, we had a great time. I ended up spending the night there (but we didn't do anything sexual in nature). We talked about how we both really liked each other and wanted to see each other again. After I left, we continued talking and FaceTiming and he basically told me that he wanted to be with me and wanted a relationship and all of this stuff. I was on the exact same page, but we didn't make anything official at that time.

We decided to meet up again on Monday .Well, the Saturday before that Monday he told me he was going to go to bed early to get some homework done. I was like okay I understand and we were going to FaceTime that night before he went to bed. I went ahead and took a shower and had this feeling to go on Grindr and see if he had a profile. Low and behold, he had a profile and was online. I can't be extremely upset over that fact because we were not official at that time and so he didn't cheat on me or anything. I was sort of understanding in a way. I didn't mention anything to him because once again, we weren't in a relationship. Well, I decided to kind of test the waters and see what he would say so I basically asked him "what we are". He told me that I should ask him that question on Monday. We FaceTimed with each other and right before hanging up, he got up like somebody was about to arrive.

Once again, we were not in a relationship at the time but he said he deleted Tinder when I left that first night. That monday we met up, had a great time, slept together and he asked me to be his boyfriend. I really like his guy and everything, but part of me feels like he's still holding a secret. Here's why:

The nights that I was there spending the night with him (after we made the relationship official and exclusive), he received a text in the morning from a guy saying "good morning handsome". Okay.. not that big of a deal because I have friends that are like that, but sometimes when he receives snaps from specific guys, he gets kind of nervous I guess you would say and doesn't open those but will open others. I just let it pass because honestly, it could be nothing...

Well, this saturday that just passed he went to take some local photos (he does photography on the side). We texted some through the day, but he was busy and I understood. Later in the day, he told me he was going to his parents and was going to spend the night. Around 8 or so he sent me a pic of him acting asleep on the couch. We continued talking and around 10PM he hold me that he might not reply because he may fall asleep. i told him goodnight and to sleep well and that I would talk to him in the morning. At around midnight he read the text, no reply. (Okay so I wake up and look at my phone in the middle of the night... not a huge deal)... then at 6:55 he texted me and told me good morning. I woke up at around 9:30 AM and told him good morning. Around 12 he messaged me again and told me he just woke back up.

Here's why I feel like he is not being truthful in that sense: He has sent me pics from his parents house in the past.. the couch he has always been on is white and leather.... the pic he sent of him laying down was on a red-ish couch. Okay maybe his parents have a bonus room or something with a different couch in it. The other thing is that if he went to sleep at around 10 and woke up at 7, wouldn't that be a full nights sleep? lol. Would somebody really sleep THAT much? Wake up for a minute, tell me good morning and then go to bed again and wake up at noon? I'm an extremely observant person so I notice little things such as the couch and stuff. That morning when we finally started talking, he was normal. He always seems relatively normal in these things. He will be extremely affectionate and stuff sometimes and others not. Last night he told me he's so excited to see me and wants me to come earlier and stuff....

I apologize for this long post, but I felt it was necessary to post the full story to get a good understanding of this. I am trying SOOO hard to be completely trusting of him. I don't have solid "proof" that he has been lying about his parents house or anything, so I do believe in innocent before proven guilty, but part of me is so nervous ALL of the time. I really like this guy but I'm afraid he is seeing somebody on the side on the weekends. Part of me is afraid it's that guy that said "good morning handsome" who lives like an hour and 15 minutes away from him. He knows nothing about the stuff I know or think. I've kept it very normal and have been hoping for the best. I'm trying to be very level minded on the whole situation - he has the right to talk to other guys (as long as it's not in a romantic way) and have friend. I'm just scared that I'm not really getting the whole truth about last Saturday.

What do you all think? Any advice for me? I really like the guy but am afraid of getting hurt.
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Re: New Relationship - Need Advice on Something

Unread postby René » 28 September 2020, 17:05

I have no idea if I can give you good advice, but I'm just going to type the first thing that comes to mind.

Trust is essential, but it has to be earned. It sounds like you have legitimate reasons to be concerned. I would maybe sit down with him and say something like "I really really like you, but there are a few things that worry me and I was wondering if you could clear them up for me." AVOID sounding accusatory. He deserves a chance to explain, and this seems better than driving yourself crazy thinking about things that, in the end, you don't have enough information about to be able to judge (and can't without violating his privacy). You can then see if his explanation sounds plausible, or if he seems anxious or gets defensive. I feel like, if he's boyfriend material, he'll want to listen to your concerns and do his best to alleviate them.
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Re: New Relationship - Need Advice on Something

Unread postby Eryx » 28 September 2020, 23:25

The "hey handsome" bit can just be someone from his past. My current boyfriend was single for 4 years in our city before we met, so there were lots of older contacts that messaged him occasionally. But as soon as it happened for the first time with us together, he explained it to me and told me he was blocking them as they showed up. I see him doing it occasionally when it happens nowadays, so I don't feel insecure about it.

As for the missing hours and the fact that he was on Grindr before you got into a relationship, I think the best investigation you can do at this point is logging on again when he goes missing. Even if he already went offline and met someone, it usually takes a bit of time for the profile to disappear, so you'd get him at some point. And now there isn't a good excuse for him still being there, unless he could prove to you it's someone else using his pictures.

But I think this is a bad sign if it's happening right at the beginning. I feel maybe you should talk to him. Tell him you found him there before you were dating and ask him if he still uses it, because it's making you feel insecure. I agree with René completely, he'll make sure to calm you down if he's truly invested in the relationship.
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Re: New Relationship - Need Advice on Something

Unread postby René » 29 September 2020, 01:13

Eryx wrote:As for the missing hours and the fact that he was on Grindr before you got into a relationship, I think the best investigation you can do at this point is logging on again when he goes missing. Even if he already went offline and met someone, it usually takes a bit of time for the profile to disappear, so you'd get him at some point. And now there isn't a good excuse for him still being there, unless he could prove to you it's someone else using his pictures.

Just make sure your profile is innocent if you do this, I guess! Maybe marked as looking for friends only, with no sexual preferences? No photos even maybe? :shrug:
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Re: New Relationship - Need Advice on Something

Unread postby Eryx » 29 September 2020, 03:01

Exactly what I was thinking of!
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