Not Sure How to Handle This

Ask questions and discuss your relationships with partners or parents, family or friends.

Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby littlebat » 16 December 2020, 04:23

I'm living in the UK on a visa based on my marriage.

My husband has a drinking problem and is sometimes out of control when drunk, but I thought it wasn't a big issue, as I thought loving one person means accepting their flaws.

However, last night, he drank more than ever, and told me to forge receipts for him to claim money off tax man again. I refused again. He was mad and shut my door with a lot of force (The door is broken so it can't be locked, but he was holding the lock so I can't get out). He eventually left and when I got out, he told me I'm not a good partner and companion. Then, I took off my wedding ring, he picked up the heavy Christmas presents and threw at me. There were quite a number of them. It hurt. I couldn't believe it and I ran outside.

It was really cold as it was midnight and I quickly googled domestic violence help phoneline and called, but they only help women. They referred me to an LGBT+ hotline, but it's out of service hours so no one answered.

Please help me.

Thank you
User avatar
littlebat
 
Posts: 71
+1s received: 20
Joined: 18 February 2017, 20:40

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby René » 16 December 2020, 04:28

Where are you now?

And what's your nationality?
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 7098
+1s received: 2464
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Lanarkshire, Scotland / Maryland, USA
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby littlebat » 16 December 2020, 04:43

René wrote:Where are you now?

And what's your nationality?


I'm at home, my husband is sleeping. I'm originally from a country in Asia.
User avatar
littlebat
 
Posts: 71
+1s received: 20
Joined: 18 February 2017, 20:40

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby René » 16 December 2020, 04:58

You were probably directed to Galop (freephone 0800 999 5428). They should open at 10am.

If no luck, check here under "Organisations for men" for other resources (at least one of which opens at 9am):

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/famil ... ting-help/

Alcoholism is not a flaw you should accept. It's not sustainable. Your husband needs help, and you deserve better than this. :hug:
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 7098
+1s received: 2464
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Lanarkshire, Scotland / Maryland, USA
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby littlebat » 16 December 2020, 05:04

René wrote:You were probably directed to Galop (freephone 0800 999 5428). They should open at 10am.

If no luck, check here under "Organisations for men" for other resources (at least one of which opens at 9am):

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/famil ... ting-help/

Alcoholism is not a flaw you should accept. It's not sustainable. Your husband needs help, and you deserve better than this. :hug:


Thanks Mew. I'll follow your advice.
User avatar
littlebat
 
Posts: 71
+1s received: 20
Joined: 18 February 2017, 20:40

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby Aladdin » 19 December 2020, 05:09

I wish you all the best. Alcohol can do crazy things to people.
Aladdin
 
Posts: 74
+1s received: 10
Joined: 15 December 2020, 05:11
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby littlebat » 19 December 2020, 06:16

Aladdin wrote:I wish you all the best. Alcohol can do crazy things to people.

Thank you
User avatar
littlebat
 
Posts: 71
+1s received: 20
Joined: 18 February 2017, 20:40

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby littlebat » 8 January 2021, 22:33

Update:

I've contacted the local NHS GP for help and told the doctor everything (including previously my drunk husband attempted to choke me that I didn't mention in this forum). The first time he suggested me to talk to my husband about the problems. Obviously he refused to reduce drinking so I told the doctor in the follow-up appointment. He then keeps telling me to 'take my husband for a walk and have a talk with him'. I'm quite disappointed as I've already tried and I did tell him it didn't work.

So I talked to one of my close high school female friend and she told me I need to start gathering evidence to apply for a Domestic Violence visa, so I can divorce and stay in the UK on my own when my husband is aggressive again. It requires a lot of evidence from doctor, police and even the court but when I asked for a medical report, this male doctor just sends me links to refuges... What do I do now?

Thank you for reading.
User avatar
littlebat
 
Posts: 71
+1s received: 20
Joined: 18 February 2017, 20:40

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby Marmaduke » 8 January 2021, 22:56

Your GP is not the person to speak to. Especially not now. He has a 5-10 minute window in which to identify, treat, prescribe or refer a medical issue. Your issue is neither medical in nature, nor resolvable in a 5 minute consultation.

You need to go to the police station and ask to speak to someone in the Community Safety Unit. They deal almost exclusively with domestic violence matters and have a much faster and more effective track into victim support. You need to tell them what has happened. Whether you support prosecution or not, your husband will likely be arrested. Dependent on where you live, that likelihood ranges from 100% in London down to 60-70% in Greater Manchester. It’s called a positive arrest policy. They will pursue charges with or without your support. It’s important that you understand that.

Domestic violence paired with alcoholism doesn’t resolve itself. At best, you stay in the same toxic relationship. More likely, things are going to get progressively worse. If you’re looking to obtain a domestic violence visa, you will find it almost impossible without the involvement of the police, the recording of incidents as crimes and the support of the agencies they refer you to.
User avatar
Marmaduke
 
Posts: 7747
+1s received: 2702
Joined: 23 December 2012, 17:56
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby littlebat » 9 January 2021, 14:06

Marmaduke wrote:Your GP is not the person to speak to. Especially not now. He has a 5-10 minute window in which to identify, treat, prescribe or refer a medical issue. Your issue is neither medical in nature, nor resolvable in a 5 minute consultation.

You need to go to the police station and ask to speak to someone in the Community Safety Unit. They deal almost exclusively with domestic violence matters and have a much faster and more effective track into victim support. You need to tell them what has happened. Whether you support prosecution or not, your husband will likely be arrested. Dependent on where you live, that likelihood ranges from 100% in London down to 60-70% in Greater Manchester. It’s called a positive arrest policy. They will pursue charges with or without your support. It’s important that you understand that.

Domestic violence paired with alcoholism doesn’t resolve itself. At best, you stay in the same toxic relationship. More likely, things are going to get progressively worse. If you’re looking to obtain a domestic violence visa, you will find it almost impossible without the involvement of the police, the recording of incidents as crimes and the support of the agencies they refer you to.

Thanks for the advice. I guess I'll have to continue gathering evidence and be prepared to have police stepping in when he gets aggressive again.

Your reply has helped a lot.
User avatar
littlebat
 
Posts: 71
+1s received: 20
Joined: 18 February 2017, 20:40

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby Marmaduke » 9 January 2021, 14:08

No. I didn’t say you needed to gather evidence. You don’t. Just speak to the police as soon as you are able.
User avatar
Marmaduke
 
Posts: 7747
+1s received: 2702
Joined: 23 December 2012, 17:56
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby littlebat » 9 January 2021, 14:14

Marmaduke wrote:No. I didn’t say you needed to gather evidence. You don’t. Just speak to the police as soon as you are able.

But I don't have any evidence now... I can't risk this comes back and bite me and I end up having to go back to my own country, which is in a war now.
User avatar
littlebat
 
Posts: 71
+1s received: 20
Joined: 18 February 2017, 20:40

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby Marmaduke » 9 January 2021, 14:18

It’s not your job to gather evidence. That’s the job of the police. You can speak to them, or you can end strangled and killed the next time you’re increasingly violent alcoholic husband gets upset.

Go speak to them. Today. They can help you with your concerns. It’s not going to be a case of “where’s your evidence? Oh you don’t have any? Well straight to the airport and back to Syria for you!” That’s not how it works.
User avatar
Marmaduke
 
Posts: 7747
+1s received: 2702
Joined: 23 December 2012, 17:56
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Not Sure How to Handle This

Unread postby René » 9 January 2021, 16:31

Also, maaaaybe if your home country is in a war, particularly if gay people are oppressed there (but even if they aren't), there's a chance the UK would let you stay as a refugee or something, right? (Not as likely with the current Conservative government, but hey, it's not ruled out, is it? Just as a last resort.)
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 7098
+1s received: 2464
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Lanarkshire, Scotland / Maryland, USA
Country: United Kingdom (gb)


Recently active
Users browsing this forum: chucky84, CommonCrawl [Bot], Eryx, PanicP, Seznam [Bot], TedHereford and 71 guests