Open relationship concerns, hesitant,

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Open relationship concerns, hesitant,

Unread postby CuriouslyConcerned » 4 September 2021, 02:48

My partner of 6 years and I love each other deeply but have never been synced sexually. I know, sounds weird, but it was always more emotional than sexual. Mainly because we have completely different sexual interests. He is into fetish interests and I’m into simple sexual activities and we’ve always been fine with not having sex. In fact, we both just take care of ourselves, sex hasn’t ever really sparked after the first few times.
We have talked about opening our relationship, which in the past I was dreading, fearing it won’t be long before he finds someone else and exits or relationship. Over the past couple years, I don’t feel that dreadful about it as I know he loves me and constantly shows it. In our talks about it, I’m not interested in his kink, and to him, sex is just sex, it’s not intimacy or love. While this makes sense to me, I’ve felt less and less horrified by the thought of him being with someone who shares his interests because we don’t have sex, period.
YET, I do feel scared and anxious about it and know the first few times will be terrifying for me.
We will be creating rules and will have check ins, and it hasn’t officially opened yet, but I still feel like when it starts, the jealously and paranoia might get the best of me. I’ll know instantly if it’s a no-go or not, but I’m worried about the effect it will have on our trust either way.
Although I don’t feel them yet, I can see what benefits it might give (he will be sexually fulfilled, and I will also get the same), I’m still scared of the change or unknown outcome.
I’ve read the horror stories and life changing ones too, but I feel our reason is a good one (we don’t have any other issues other we’re trying to “fix” by doing this, other than completely different sexual appetites).
I’m curious to hear your experiences (good or bad), tips, things to look out for or avoid, or any helpful ideas you may have had?
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Re: Open relationship concerns, hesitant,

Unread postby sheffieldm2 » 15 September 2021, 17:44

I posted something similar just now - hope we both get some helpful insight!
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Re: Open relationship concerns, hesitant,

Unread postby pozboro » 15 September 2021, 19:31

I was hoping someone else would kick of the response cycle: there is way too much to consider. But yes, I do have experience and no, it wasn't easy or good fun. The ex was prone to fits of jealousy and some other issues.

I'm confident that people make it work. I'm just not confident there is an easy recipe for success though finding the right balance in communication seems to be the key and this will be different for each couple. Maybe it's something that is discovered through trial and error? Not sure.

Maybe if you can hone in on some specific concerns or issues, ask specific questions, that will help though I'm not sure how many users have had experience with an 'open relationship' - anyone else willing to admit you have?
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Re: Open relationship concerns, hesitant,

Unread postby Eryx » 16 September 2021, 12:57

I think since this is happening either way, try to make the best of it and learn from the experience. I'm sure the beginning will be trying, but don't forget you can also take advantage of this. You like vanilla sex, right? That means you like sex, you're not a monk. Why not enjoying the experience and keeping the relationship alive by paying more attention to your activities and fun as a couple? At least that's what I'm trying to do in my relationship. By realizing it's something I should probably learn to live with and adapt to if I want to let my partner be truly happy, I decided to not only work on our day-to-day relationship more (as did he) but also get on the fun rather than resist it.

He might like fetishes and you might not, but since you're setting up rules and letting him go out, I believe you should have your fun as well with your boring, vanilla sex (just kidding :P). And you guys can definitely make it work. If he falls in love with someone else and breaks up with you over this, it means he wasn't a good person to begin with. And you should take this opportunity to work on your self-esteem and make sure you look sharp. Just in case, but also because it's good for you :)
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