Paranoia advice! HELP!

Ask questions and discuss your relationships with partners or parents, family or friends.

Am I creating a situation in my head out of guilt?

Poll ended at 24 January 2020, 15:14

Yes
3
100%
No
1
33%
 
Total votes : 4

Paranoia advice! HELP!

Unread postby RG0329 » 17 January 2020, 15:09

I am currently in a 3 year relationship with a great guy. That being said we have had our issues like any relationship. Recently I started my journey to get sober and it’s bringing up a lot of insecurities and paranoia.

My BF and I recently got into one of the worse fights we’ve had (booze was a huge factor) it’s been about 2 weeks and we both decided to come up with our action plan for change and move forward. That being said I still have some serious insecurities.

I have cheated in the past and now I constantly feel he is. I travel for work and it has me stressed out. As I read articles on what signs to look for there really isn’t anything that has changed between us. He is a night owl so him playin gun on his phone or watching videos through out the night is very normal since day 1 but as of recent it’s bothering me more than ever. His habits have not changed he is home every night and as far as looks go nothing has changed. He did add a password on his phone but I don’t think I can accuse him of cheating as he only meets one of the signs in the lists I’ve read.

Help me! How do I overcome this paranoia and enjoy the relationship? With the fight being semi fresh and getting sober I have a lot going on in my head. Is this normal? Am I beating myself up and accusing him from guilt? I asked him the other night if he had to tell me anything because I’m seeing new names on his FB and around his group he looked me in the eye and said absolutely not I’ve been with him long enough to know he is being honest, but why don’t I believe it?? PLEASE HELP AND BE GENTLE!! LOL
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Re: Paranoia advice! HELP!

Unread postby René » 17 January 2020, 15:33

First of all, there's no need to post multiple copies of the same thread in different sections of the forum. People will find it through Active topics either way. So I've deleted one of the threads and moved the other one to the most appropriate place.

I'll respond to your post in a minute.
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Re: Paranoia advice! HELP!

Unread postby RG0329 » 17 January 2020, 15:36

René wrote:First of all, there's no need to post multiple copies of the same thread in different sections of the forum. People will find it through Active topics either way. So I've deleted one of the threads and moved the other one to the most appropriate place.

I'll respond to your post in a minute.


My apologies just trying to get the navigation down.
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Re: Paranoia advice! HELP!

Unread postby René » 17 January 2020, 15:48

Anxiety is a normal part of alcohol withdrawal. You may be able to get some of a medication called baclofen to help you stop drinking and get through the withdrawal without so much suffering, either from your doctor or otherwise (let me know if you need any help acquiring it). Either way, I wish you the best of luck getting sober. I know from family experience that it isn't easy, but baclofen can help.

It sounds like he probably isn't cheating and you're just projecting your past experiences onto him. But it may be helpful to think of it in terms of a truth table, which I don't have time to put into an actual table but here it is in words:

If he isn't cheating an you do keep accusing him: your accusations and insecurities will just wreak havoc on your relationship and make unfaithfulness more likely.

If he isn't cheating and you stop accusing him: you'll potentially live happily ever after.

If he is cheating and you stop accusing him: it'll come out in the end anyway, at which point you can decide what to do about it.

If he is cheating and you keep accusing him: it'll come out in the end anyway, at which point you can decide what to do about it. Your accusations and insecurities will have had no positive impact and will actually have made it more likely that he continues cheating rather than stopping like you did before.

So following this logic, I would suggest you stop accusing him. I think this is the most likely decision to lead to a successful continuation of your relationship. Just put it out of your mind. Stop thinking about things that make you feel bad that might very well not be true (which should get easier once you're not suffering the anxiety caused by the alcohol withdrawal anymore). Even if he was cheating, it's nothing you haven't put him through in the past, and he would be infinitely more likely to stop doing it if he saw you stabilise in a sober, non-paranoid state in which you will be a much more stable and nice partner to be around.
I think it's the only way your relationship can have a future.
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Re: Paranoia advice! HELP!

Unread postby mxguy01 » 17 January 2020, 15:54

I dated a guy who had an problem with alcohol (became obvious in short order) and he pulled the jealous crap. He couldn't have killed any chance of us having a relationship over it any faster. Deal with it like an adult because dealing with it like a child is likely not to go so well.
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Re: Paranoia advice! HELP!

Unread postby Eryx » 17 January 2020, 20:35

I've had a problem with an ex-boyfriend putting up a password on his phone and I was right about my suspicions, so I'm probably not the best person to help you in this case. Good luck though!
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