Questions about my romatic orientation

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Questions about my romatic orientation

Unread postby Munti » 2 August 2021, 13:22

Hi everyone,

I have questions regarding my orientation.

Briefly about my person: I am m30, single, and have for various reasons only at the age of 24 first started to date people and become intimate (whether man or woman).
Since then I have had some experiences with men, but not too many.

Sexually, I'm pretty much homosexually oriented: I find men attractive, had sex dreams with men as a teenager, and also mostly just watch gay porn (or straight porn, but where I only focus on the man). Women I find very wonderfully pretty and very sympathetic, also partly very attractive, but I have never had sexual interests in women.

My problem is with feelings. I have never been in a real relationship and I have never really been in love. Now at 30 my need to have someone is growing.

However, it is very difficult for me to imagine being with a man. When I imagine living with a man, doing the housework together, shopping together, having romantic dinners, holding hands, growing old together, calling each other "honey", etc., I honestly don't find it a charming or pleasant thought. In contrast, I find the same idea with a woman very satisfying. Holding a woman's hand feels more pleasurable to me.

Because of this chaos of feelings, I am very unsure of what I actually want and what I am, and what to focus on. I often think it might be a subconscious problem because I grew up in an environment that is very hetero centric and might internalized that the straight lifestyle is more socially acceptable and it is the "right" lifestyle.
I try to push back against these possible internalizations, but the feelings still remain the same to this day.

There are other situations that unsettle my feelings. For example after an orgasm , or after sex with a man, I lose the desire for men completely (desire for physical, sexual and emotional closeness) for a few hours or a whole day.
Or sometimes, but very rarely, I go to gay bars or gay parties (to fight my insecurity). I like sex and naked bodies. But then when I go to such places or parties and see a lot of flirting or hundreds of naked torsos, or see posters or statues of naked men on every corner, I find it very off-putting. And I don't know why. And sometimes I have phases (for weeks) where I just have no or hardly any interest in men.


To sum up my questions:
- What does this emotional chaos in me mean and how can I fix it?
- Have I subconsciously developed an inner homophobia that prevents me from forming an emotional bond with other gays?
- Or am I perhaps just homosexual but heteroromantic (or even aromantic or incapable of love) in orientation? If so, how can I ever form a healthy relationship? Am I better off seeking a woman as a partner even though I am not sexually interested in her? Maybe a sexual interest in women grows when I am in a relationship with one for a while and the love and affection grows. Or maybe a relationship will work out where sex plays an unimportant role.
- Have I perhaps simply not yet found the right person with whom I can imagine a common future?
- Am I perhaps simply not a romantic type?
- Could it perhaps also be due to my rather difficult childhood and youth?

I wish I could say and feel with conviction that I am gay, straight, bi or something else, and that I know what I want for the future.
By the way, I am outed to my closest friends and parents.

Thank you so much.
Munti
 
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