Real advice...

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Real advice...

Unread postby m0useavengerr » 28 September 2022, 20:58

(I really just remembered I had an account for this forum and I still knew my password by memory so I may as well post something haha...it's been a long time :lol: )

I am a single, 25 year old gay male- confessing I've never had a boyfriend/partner.

For as long as i've been old enough to date and see men...I've never had luck finding a potential partner. I've considered all the possible reasons as to why this could be- from my skin color (i'm black), to the overall toxic mentality and cliqueness of gay men in my area. I don't have a picture of myself up yet and forgive me for being briefly conceited, but I've been told by many men that I'm very attractive as far as physical looks so it couldn't be that.

I don't exactly fit in with the rest of the gay community- I'm not a person who likes to party, go to gay clubs (or clubs in general), I'm very much a introverted and reserved, down to earth kind of guy. I don't have large self-esteem issues, I'm also not the guy that would shy away from meeting someone new- I actually try and meet men very often.

However, pretty much every dude I meet it's never gone anywhere beyond one or two meetups- recently I was seeing a guy and I thought it was going somewhere but admittedly I called it off because I felt the vibes going off in the wrong direction.

Overall, I'm very very unhappy about this. Let me say- I see gay couples and couples in general all the time in my place of work and every time I see them I can't help but to feel somewhat pitiful about myself because I feel if I want that kind of happiness I should have it if I really wanted it and I absolutely do want that for myself. And I know I would be told "be happy being single" and "relationships aren't all that and you should focus on loving yourself first and living for yourself" but the thing is I do live for myself the best I can, and I don't hate myself at all. I just feel like single life isn't for me anymore.

Has anyone been through or is going through this the same as I am? Do I stop trying for a while? I've about exhausted all my energy into finding a partner and I've truthfully been thinking about stepping back but I don't know if completely isolating myself is the right answer.
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Re: Real advice...

Unread postby asianduck888 » 29 September 2022, 17:06

25 still single that still too young. I am 33 now and still haven't found one.
pretty much similar but not the same, I have huge doubt with gay community in my area.
But at least there you can express your sexuality and maybe somebody right for you but you haven't meet him yet, cheers up you still young and has lots of chance.
Here where I live every gay news on TV or media, people look at us as criminal.
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Re: Real advice...

Unread postby m0useavengerr » 29 September 2022, 18:24

asianduck888 wrote:25 still single that still too young. I am 33 now and still haven't found one.
pretty much similar but not the same, I have huge doubt with gay community in my area.
But at least there you can express your sexuality and maybe somebody right for you but you haven't meet him yet, cheers up you still young and has lots of chance.
Here where I live every gay news on TV or media, people look at us as criminal.


I hope you can find somebody for yourself- I'm finding it much harder to meet and just connect with people in general in my adult years so far because another gripe I have is people act like they're too busy to spend time with people, they have too much happening in their personal lives and that often interferes with their personal free time...like sorry if you have too much going in your life, but PLEASE don't be on a dating app if you have all that going on behind the scenes. Some make up excuses or are just too scared, some men I've meet are straight up rude or anti-social, of course some (or most) really just want sex and are incapable of wanting more.

I've been stood up, ghosted, strung along, one time a dude blocked me on grindr after he saw I was black lmao.
It's just so unnecessary !!! I feel like it should not be this hard and my expectations are just the bare minimum but I'm consistently let down. Not to say I don't have higher standards and expectations once I'm more established with a man.

And like absolutely no disrespect towards you- but I don't want to still be single in my 30's- I feel like meeting people gets harder the older you get. I'm seeing people my age or even younger engaged, getting married or even having children and it's everywhere- it's no wonder I want that for myself so much (minus the children) but I have really been into the idea of finding a significant other and tying the knot.

As I've said...I just keep asking myself when is enough going to be enough for me and I just stop if I can't find anyone? Why is all this effort constantly giving me nothing? It's an exhausting feeling.

I like to believe there is someone for everyone- but strangely not anyone is out there for me and I'm just in the back corner of the room sitting and gazing hopelessly at everyone else paired with someone wondering when will I be everyone.
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Re: Real advice...

Unread postby Eos » 30 September 2022, 20:56

I kinda am in the same situation. However we have a different state of mind on this situation.
You seem to be hopeless/desperate to find someone. Sure you can be sad from time to time. Feel alone. But if those feelings are too strong, I think you will be less likely to find, or even notice that someone might be a good fit for you.
Personally I try my best to live my life, building things, little by little. All while looking for someone.
I realized that when I was obsessed with finding someone I lost track of the happiness I was already having.

But then again, I'm still single, so it might not be the best advice you can get, but I just wanted to share my opinion.
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Re: Real advice...

Unread postby m0useavengerr » 30 September 2022, 21:38

Eos wrote:I kinda am in the same situation. However we have a different state of mind on this situation.
You seem to be hopeless/desperate to find someone. Sure you can be sad from time to time. Feel alone. But if those feelings are too strong, I think you will be less likely to find, or even notice that someone might be a good fit for you.
Personally I try my best to live my life, building things, little by little. All while looking for someone.
I realized that when I was obsessed with finding someone I lost track of the happiness I was already having.

But then again, I'm still single, so it might not be the best advice you can get, but I just wanted to share my opinion.


I don't know if it's so much desperation because I haven't completely stopped living my life because of it. I still live single as best I can, now and then I do and can enjoy the benefits of the single life. But every time I'm doing an activity by myself there's always that thought of "wouldn't this be more fun with someone I really want to be with?".

As far as recognizing someone I would already know who would be interested in me that's simply not possible because I am not close to a lot of people. As a matter of fact lately I've been very selective about people I let in my social life because I'm more about quality than quantity so as a result I pretty much have no real friends close by to me for that to be a possibility.

I've become better at not letting it bother me so much to the point I'm crying myself to sleep every night and questioning my self-worth because I still tell myself I deserve the best and eventually someone will enter my life that I can fall in love with and they'll feel the same way.

It's just I feel with all this effort I've put in so far why does it have to feel worthless? and why do I have to wait seemingly so long for that reward?
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Re: Real advice...

Unread postby Eos » 2 October 2022, 08:14

Fuck we really seem alike, I can't really help you. Personally the only thing that keeps me going is thinking that it only take one good person to end this never ending search.

As I am being tired of looking for someone with apps, I recently started going into a gay sauna. I liked it a lot, even if I don't find anyone it allows me to see some gay folks and it makes me feel less alone. And it's a nice place to relax.

Maybe you can try those if there is some near you. I don't know if it can help you.
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