Relationship advice - ghosting

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Relationship advice - ghosting

Unread postby Alex P » 26 October 2020, 10:04

I wouldn’t normally post about something like this online but I have gone through an awful end to a relationship that I haven’t been able to process or rationalise.

I had a four month relationship that has just ended pretty badly on his part and it’s left me with many unanswered questions. This was my first proper relationship with a man and probably why it has hit me so hard not to mention feelings and emotions being amplified in 2020.

We are both gay and out and started dating over the summer, it was very romantic at the start dates to the park him cooking dinner for me. Within the first month I had a suspicion that he was on Grindr as he was not replying to me whilst he was away visiting family, I searched the location he was in and found his profile. I pulled him up on it and he had complete denial at first accused me of calling him a whore then blocked me on everything.

At this point I messaged him from my work phone to say it was worth talking about as I know it can be a big change going from the gay dating scene to one man and we eventually patched things up and committed to each other. I would also like to point out he blamed him being on Grindr on me as he thought I was just another guy fucking around which I had given him no indication of.

Everything was great from there and he treated me nicely for my birthday, always stayed at my place, told his family and friends about me. We also had everything in common and it was perfect.

I introduced him to one of my female friends a couple of weeks ago we had a good night and later that night in bed I told him I was falling in love with him, albeit I was a bit drunk and might not have been the right moment. I then told him again the next morning just so he knew it wasn’t a drunk throwaway comment. That day he was acting cold towards me and I haven’t seen him since he left my place that day.

I received a message the next day saying he needs to clear his head and he’s upset and overwhelmed. 24 hours after that I got a message dumping me with the explanation that he told me he wanted to take things slowly, it wasn’t the right time to say I loved him and that he felt suffocated and how he needed to take things slowly due to his past of being cheated on 4 years ago. I sent back messages to say we should talk about in person rather than over message and how this wasn’t a reason to panic and also made a video of our memories together.

I have received nothing back from him since, seen him on Grindr two days after he dumped me and he’s since proceeded to block me on everything since. I’ve also realised that he’s deleted all his social media profiles, Grindr accounts and only on Saturday did he read the final message I sent him a couple of weeks ago.

The acceptance it is over has began in my head but is there any advice people can give from similar experiences to rationalise why this has happened and help understand his mindset. We are both a bit older for the gay world close to 30 so I really felt that something substantial rather than countless dates and Grindr meets in a big city was what we both wanted as he had told me so all of this has come as a shock to the system and I find it so cruel to be completely ghosted after 4 months of a relationship where there were no built up issues or arguments. I have for the first time in my life booked in to see a therapist on Wednesday as my life isn’t really functioning properly after this.
Alex P
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Re: Relationship advice - ghosting

Unread postby PopTart » 27 October 2020, 05:21

The sad reality is, that guys sometimes say they want one thing, when infact, they really want something else.

The long and the short of it is, that while, at the outset, this guy might have said he was aiming for something long term and meaningful, his actions have shown, that isn't the case.

He was clearly still looking for hookups via grindr during your relationship, has fled when you confessed your feelings and for the most part, seems to be trying to rationalise his behaviour, by laying the blame squarely at your feet, rather than taking responsibility for the fact, he doesn't really want a relationship and couldn't be upfront about it.

While you may have been more emotionally invested and thus, this break up, no doubt hurts, I think you would do well, to recognise, that its better this relationship has ended sooner rather than later. A relationship in which, one partner doesn't really know what they want or isnt honest and upfront about it with you, is never going to be a happily ever after scenario.

Take some time to heal, from what you have said here, it seems you didn't do anything wrong and this guy treated you with very poor consideration. In time, you'll be ready to try again.

As for this guy in particular, you'll not likely get any of the answers you seek from him. Move on and do your best to distance yourself from him.
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Re: Relationship advice - ghosting

Unread postby Eryx » 27 October 2020, 11:20

Yeah, I don't think I have anything to add after PopTart's comments. He's just a bad person, and sometimes we get unlucky. It wasn't the time for him to get into a relationship and he wasn't mature enough to transmit that to you in a way that could've prevented your heartache.
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