Relationship advice regarding phones!

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Relationship advice regarding phones!

Unread postby Askingforafriend802 » 4 January 2019, 06:02

My partner and I have been together two years now and we have a great relationship but the one issue that always causes contention is his phone. 6 months into dating we were out drinking, I came back to his place and while he was in the restroom I snooped through his phone. Good or bad, I did it. On one hand I regretted it but on the other hand, it exposed a whole world of sexting that I knew nothing about. We talked it out and he agreed to stop. A month or so later I followed up on how that was going and he admitted to feeling constrained and controlled, so really long story short I agreed to that being ok as long as it wasn’t with any mutual friends or my friends. It had become such an issue, I grew tired of fighting about it and I hate to be considered controlling or constraining. 6 months later he got caught up with this guy we met and they started talking and spending time together behind my back. I found out through his roommate at the time that he was at his place. I confronted him about it and the truth came out. He didn’t want to break up with me but he wanted me to wait while he explored his feelings with this guy to see if there’s was any potential. Well that was a big ole hell no and I broke up with him. 48 hours later he came back remorseful and apologizing. We got back together and moved on but that led me to wondering what was really going on with his phone.
A year and a half into our relationship, I look again and there’s sexting with friends of mine and mutual friends as well as with his exes. They would have conversations of regretting breaking up and sexting. Another guy from God knows where tells him that he loves him and wants to marry him but there’s no rebuttable from my partner.
I owned up to my wrong of snooping and explained where it came from, lack of trust. Well he naturally got upset that I saw all of this due to feeling his privacy was violated. It hasnt happened again because we both gave our word of doing better. He has my phone password, he can grab my phone or iPad anytime and read my messages which he has recently and I don’t even flintch. Now he is hella guarded with his phone, will not let me see it even to look anything up and anytime I ask about it the response I get is “I need to trust that you won’t snoop so I keep it from you until until you earn my trust back”

I’m struggling with this one because so much investment has gone into our relationship that is seems crazy that after two years, there’s a need to completely hide the phone.
If I am able to be open about my phone, why can’t he? My gut tells me it’s because there’s things are still happening.
I know snooping is bad and it’s due to not trusting, I get that but earning his trust not to snoop feels like a bs to me. I’m not the one doing things behind his back that disrespects our relationship.
Im asking for advice on how to manage through this. I feel if I can be open and not afraid of what he will see, why can’t I get the same in return.
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Re: Relationship advice regarding phones!

Unread postby PopTart » 4 January 2019, 06:16

He has demonstrated he isn't trustworthy and uses your own reasons for being distrustful, to get his ow way.

By telling you, you are the one that needs to earn *his* trust back, he moves the issue of violated trust from being his error to being yours.

If you want monogamy, this guy isn't giving it to you and likely never will.

I'd give serious consideration to moving on.

Sorry
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Re: Relationship advice regarding phones!

Unread postby Askingforafriend802 » 4 January 2019, 06:22

Thanks for responding. Here’s the thing. We have played together maybe 4/5 times over the two years. We have a joint account and on the rare occasion we will meet a third. We only play together when we do which makes it more frustrating because we’re very open about expressing if we find someone attractive and when we do play together it’s usually a good time. It makes the hiding seem completely unnecessary.
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Re: Relationship advice regarding phones!

Unread postby PopTart » 4 January 2019, 17:05

Then it suggest you both need a serious talk about what it is your both looking for.

What is it he gets out of sexting and flirting with others guys, why does he feel the need to be secretive about it?

You have to ask yourself, how truly comfortable you are with sharing your partner, why do you find yourself mistrusting him (sure, i think you have good reason for doing so, his actions are not those of someone who is be g open and honest and the manipulation he demonstrates is also a red flag)

Is this a relationship that satisfies you both? And it's important you figure the "both" bit out.

Honestly, I dont have issues with a partner or even prospective partner see I g the contents of my phone, but then, I'm not all that big on secrecy and i have nothing to hide, so i can't really speak to the objectionable nature of illicitly snooping on your partners phone.

If your asking if your wanting to know what he gets upto on his phone with other people, is an expectation too far, i think thats quite subjective. Some people will say yes, that it is, and your partner clearly thinks so, but the fact he has been caught out with what amounts to, at the very least, a form of infidelity, betraying your trust and hiding things from you. I think i can say I perfectly understand you wanting to know what he is doing on his phone and with whom and the onus or burden for re-establishing trust, is on him and not you.

His suggesting otherwise seems too much to me, like a means of keeping his secrecy, so that he might continue to behave as he has done so already.

No one wants to be a jealous bitch and no one wants to be with a jealous bitch, but it always amazes me, how when someone behaves in such a way as to make a partner feel insecure and become jealous, they then decry how terrible it is, that said partner has become so.

Don't want your partner to feel insecure and jealous? Then don't give them reason to be, because im pretty sure most of us don't want to be that person. It's not a nice person to be.

So unless you have a history of trust issues and jealousy, I'd suggest talking to your partner and e playing how his behaviour and attitude, needs clarification and explanation, because without it, that's exactly who your likely to become I this relationship and once that happens, it's pretty much done, all that remains is the bitter and painful playing out of that scenario.

Good luck.
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Re: Relationship advice regarding phones!

Unread postby xrayspex78 » 4 January 2019, 18:02

My advice follow your heart and intuition.
“I got no trophies on display
I sign them away
I mean what the heck”

-Pretenders
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