Relationship Breakup- One out, the other not

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Relationship Breakup- One out, the other not

Unread postby dob789 » 27 November 2019, 10:09

So, I broke up with my boyfriend last night and while I genuinely didn't think I would feel this way, I feel absolutely awful, I'm having major regrets and I just feel incredibly sad.

The relationship wasn't working and one of the main reasons for that was because I'm out to my family and he isn't and unfortunately, he had no intention of coming out to them in the foreseeable future, so, whenever he was with me, he would lie to them about who he was with and what he was doing etc and after a while, that started to hurt. He was even afraid of mentioning me to work colleagues in case it somehow got back to his family. I'm not in any way sitting here on a high horse and thinking "would you just get it over with", coming out, as we all know, is an exceptionally difficult process. However, since coming out (at 23), I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't be hiding or secretive anymore about my sexuality/relationships so I think it just wasn't going to work with someone who was. We are both 24 and I just feel like a proper relationship cannot develop at this age without complete openness. On top of this, I moved 3 hours away from him at the start of September for work and trying to do long distance was proving difficult, as if he was home at the weekend, I couldn't even drive to see him and spend time with him because he was with family etc.

Basically, I care a lot about him and I want nothing but the absolute best for him but I had to take this reasonably selfish move. My question/the advice I'm seeking is- was I right to have ended it because of this or should I perhaps have stayed with him and kept encouraging the coming out process? Also- does anyone have any advice on dealing with post break-up emotions?
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Re: Relationship Breakup- One out, the other not

Unread postby Eryx » 27 November 2019, 13:08

If it was affecting you, then you did the right thing. He's not under any obligation to come out because of you, but you also are under no obligation of holding out for him. If you could deal with it, and it was something you could see yourself doing for an extended period of time out of your interest in him, then that would be the path to take, but it wasn't working for you and that's perfectly fine.

I'm personally on your side about it, I'm 27 and I could never see myself dating someone who isn't out. I'm sorry you guys didn't work out and I hope you feel better soon!

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Re: Relationship Breakup- One out, the other not

Unread postby mxguy01 » 5 December 2019, 23:17

First it was not selfish. You have to take care of and be attentive to yourself before you can do that for others. Others have posted about this very same issue and they have taken your course of action. I too could never be with someone who closeted at this point in my life. You have every right to decide that for yourself.

Dealing with post breakup emotions: More gym time. Go shopping. Get out and do stuff by yourself. Go out with friends. It's really more of what not to do: sit at home and dwell on it. Take this time to do things for yourself.
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Re: Relationship Breakup- One out, the other not

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 6 December 2019, 13:28

I'm on the "other side" so to say, since I live closeted and I think I never could live out, as it was tough enough to find new friends after losing all contacts in various forced outing incidents in the young life.

Though I can understand the way you went on this, since, if it hurts too much, being locked out and to be denied as a partner, as this must be hard to deal with. I'd second what Eryx said about obligations.
You took the way that you can better deal with and that's okay, he's got to understand, too.

dealing with the pain - well, don't isolate yourself, go out and get distraction, talk to your friends about this. Probably will hurt for quite a while, but you're young, time seems to pass so slowly, eh.
You may take your moments to mourn and cry, nothing wrong with that. As long as there's no drowning in the wallow. And once the pain washes away, you get back on track with your head up high.
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Re: Relationship Breakup- One out, the other not

Unread postby rafe59 » 6 December 2019, 21:00

I Think that each person has to do what is best for them. I truly believe that it was in your best interest to break up with him, not that he is wrong for being in the closet, but because you need to do what is best for you as your ex-boyfriend does. I for one would never judge someone that is in the closet, or try to out them. Every Gay person carries a personal burden in the coming out process, and only that individual can chose what is best for them and makes them comfortable...

Break ups are never easy when emotions are involved, keeping yourself busy and not sitting around dwelling on it in my mind are important, surround yourself with friends and activity's, search out new places and people, you never know what will cross your path, but one thing is for sure, you won't find it sitting at home feeling bad or regretful !!!
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Re: Relationship Breakup- One out, the other not

Unread postby Jryski » 11 December 2019, 04:24

Perhaps just friends is the best way to go in this situation.
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